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Tears, Tantrums, and Tummy Troubles

Oh my! That’s an ominous title.

But friends, I want to be real with you. I want you to know that even with the easiest of adoptions, there will be difficulties.

Why is that?

Because we’re adopting human beings here…little persons who sometimes (or often) sin.
And not only are they human beings, but they are human beings who have experienced trauma, in the past, and who have just experienced trauma by leaving the place that they know and entering into a whole new world.

Oh how I wish that I would have understood this more completely with our first adoptions! Tantrums brought me to near breakdown, and I took many of my childrens’ outbursts far too personally. I was more concerned with how I might look, than with helping to heal their little hearts. I was always trying to catch them up (emotionally, physically and socially), rather than appreciating how amazing and brave they were for coming through such intense trauma with so many wonderful qualities!

Up until this past weekend, this little angel boy has displayed hardly any of the behaviors that are so common with adopted children.

But then Kaikai got sick (serious tummy trouble–he threw up on the dog!). And then, he didn’t sleep well for two nights. And then, he was g.r.u.m.p.y. on Saturday. Everything and everyone was “very bad” (his words–yay for learning so much English already!) and he had a couple of full-fledged tantrums. He was tired of feeling yucky and tired of not being able to communicate his needs to us.

Whew! It was a loooooong day.

But friends, even though it was difficult (and I will admit, I hid away in my room for a half-an-hour when I was in serious need of a break), I look back and know that it was such a good day! We overcame some real difficulty and came out on the other end with Kaikai being a little more sure that we will love him no matter what. I truly consider it an honor that God has entrusted David and I to help our son to heal from his past wounds. What  a privilege to partner with God to pour love out on this little man!

Most days it is easy (and I am sooooo grateful for that!). But, at the end of a difficult day, there is the satisfaction of knowing that Kaikai’s life is being redeemed, that he is learning how to love and trust us more and that we are being formed more into the image of Christ, as a result.

Thank you, Jesus, for wonderful days! But thank you, also, for days that involve tears, tantrums and tummy troubles, because those days help our son to trust us more, and they help us to trust You more.

Oh my goodness!

I LOVE adoption!

_____________________________________

sarah-bandimere-picDavid and Sarah have been joyfully married for almost 18 years. They have been blessed with 6 wonderful children (one homegrown son, a daughter from Ukraine and four children from China) and are never sure if they’re “done yet”! They love Jesus and are grateful that He has recently led them to the urban core of Kansas City where they are learning to give their lives away as they build His church in the inner city.  You can read more about what God is doing in their lives at http://davidandsarahb.blogspot.com.

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Adoption…a clearer picture

Yesterday morning I checked Facebook and saw another adoption t-shirt
design and I can’t ignore it anymore.

I love the hearts of those making the shirts, for fundraisers, for orphan care, for awareness and I know they are worn like a badge of honor…
BUT…
I just can’t get past it, because most of them paint only the “butterfly and rainbows” picture of adoption that simply isn’t the full picture.
I am an adoption advocate, but firstly I am a family preservation advocate and a child advocate.  It’s not about adoption, it’s about the children.
Adoption is more than just having love.  It’s more than joy, blessing, family, happiness etc.
Adoption is a beautiful thing…in it’s own messy way.
My assumption is the shirts are being purchased and worn by PAP’s and AP’s but I feel like as representatives of adoption (because we’ve been there or are going to be there), can we please paint a clear picture?
Not one of doom and gloom but not one of only roses either.
Having a family knit together through both biology and adoption is one of the best things ever and I want to burst with joy when I see our unique little family…
but…
adoption is also one of the hardest things I’ve done.  Some days I want to burst in tears with the loss and hurt we’ve encountered through this process.  I know that I’m not alone in either of these thoughts.
So my challenge, to all of us as PAP’s an AP’s.  Can we stop pretending and painting a picture that isn’t a view of the full masterpiece?  Can we paint a clear picture of the joy and sorrow of adoption while still protecting our kiddos hearts?
Let’s celebrate the beauty of adoption but not gloss over the loss that comes with it, both in our wardrobe and in our speech.
_______________________________
Lindsie BlairLindsie has been married to her husband and best friend, David, almost 9 years.  She is the homeschooling mother of four-ages 7, 5, 5, and 3.  Their youngest two children are Ethiopian born and Korean born. While always Midwesterners at heart, they are loving living in Colorado.  She loves Jesus, her family, hiking, good coffee, and cooking, as well as learning to embrace Life with a capital “L”, as she shares on her blog.
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Oh, The Joy!

Once upon a time there was a mama of 4 girls.

She was happy and content in her world of baby dolls, hair bows and polka dot tights.
Then one night she was aimlessly surfing her agency’s website…..
when her heart literally skipped a beat.
Her husband sleeping, she called her friend in Florida..
“I think i’m looking at my son….” 

 
This mama was scared….A BOY???!!
Lord!! What would she do with a boy???
Her best friend would tell her, “there’s something about the way a boy loves his mama…”
and she would listen, but not fully understand.
Until Monday, December 6, 2010, in Guangzhou, China…..
In the International adoption world, a female child under the age of 3 is still the most requested child across every county and continent, including the United States. In 2011, for China, there were 1,888 females to just 699 boys (http://adoption.state.gov/about_us/statistics.php), adopted and brought home to their forever families.
With a shared list of literally hundreds of waiting children in China, the overwhelming majority of them are male. When little girls come to agency lists, the emails come pouring in…..and young boys with minor needs sit.
And wait.
Simply because they are boys.
Now hear my heart.
When the Lord called us to adopt the first time, we knew it was a daughter. It wasn’t written in the sky or spelled out in black and white, but we knew.
We had barely recovered from jet lag when the Holy Spirit began to convict me about my willingness to follow HIS plan for our family, or mine….and it took me digging into His Word, and continually, daily, laying my plans on the alter and and offering them as a sacrifice.
Sometimes, we just have to be willing for this adoption thing to not look like we thought it would.
Lord, did you call us to adopt a daughter…..or a child?

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

If you’re on this adoption road I’d challenge you today to seek deep the heart of your Father. Be willing for the end not to look like you planned it would.

Perhaps it will.
Maybe it won’t.
But rest assured….He knows *exactly* what you need.

 Even when you didn’t realize what was missing.

Psalm 133:1

“Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity!”

*Shepard, Jude, and Judah pictures courtesy of Steph at Nihao y’all and Anna at AnythingbutLokey and K&RPhotography
_______________________________
 
Emily Flynt
Emily Flynt

Emily and Jay have been married for 11 years and have 5 childen–Avery 8, Ally 6, Annalyse 4, Ashley 3, and (finally) our BOY, Asher 2. Ashley and Asher were adopted from China and were both special needs adoptions.  Emily spends her days chasing toddlers and waiting in line at carpool. Her favorite place in the world is in her van, all alone with the worship music blaring! She would count it an honor to have you be encouraged at her blog:  www.ourhimpossiblejourney.blogspot.com.

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Why Knit?

Iknitpic took up knitting not long after our first adoption. I knitted a scarf first, imperfect with its holes randomly scattered, revealing to all that not only was I a novice, but also that I am decidedly not a perfectionist. The holes didn’t bother me really– but the sense of satisfaction I felt at having actually finished a project was soon to become an addiction. I’ve lost count of how many scarves I’ve knitted over the past 13 years, but suffice it to say that even my husband and 3 sons have scarves– I totally knew they’d never wear them! I didn’t care though because I soon realized that the hobby I began as a way to connect with our Russian daughter, who loved to knit, turned out to satisfy a need that parenting definitely does not. That is, I could set out to accomplish a goal and actually see it finished within a week or two. How refreshing in the midst of the parenting goals which consume our thoughts, our time, and our emotional and spiritual energies. Goals like bringing our children into healing from the deep wounds of their pasts, teaching them to give and receive love, to think before acting and to understand consequences, to learn English and to get along with others, to handle their anger well, not to mention personal hygiene, sharing toys etc, etc, etc……..!

Delayed Gratification

Talk about long-term goals–parenting surely can lay claim to being the job with the most delayed gratification ever! We realize early on that our efforts in raising our children often don’t see the fruit we desire and believe for until an undisclosed but greatly anticipated and hoped-for day. So we parents learn to sow seeds in all kinds of climates, stages, and circumstances. 

  “Happy and fortunate are you who cast your seed upon all waters [when the river overflows its banks; for the seed will sink into the mud and when the waters subside, the plant will spring up; you will find it after many days and reap an abundant harvest], you who safely send forth the ox and the donkey [to range freely].” Isaiah 32:20 (Amplified)

sowingpicI’m excited to share this scripture with you because it has been such an encouragement to me in the past few weeks. I am encouraged once again as a parent to continue to sow the seeds of love, wise counsel, firm boundaries, unconditional acceptance, words of Truth, kindness and firmness….

“You Will Find it After Many Days….”

Adoptive parenting is one of those jobs that is vast in scope with only occasional (but glorious) signs of accomplishment and finality. We treasure those moments when, like the tying off of the last piece of yarn on my latest knitting project, we see that one of our long-term goals have been met. As this scripture says, “you will find it after many days…” I want to encourage you parents to continue to cast in hope the seeds of your love (in all its many forms) on all the waters of your child’s life, all the waters of your families’ circumstances. For indeed, that seed will sink into the mud of your child’s life, deep into his identity. And though hidden from you for what may seem an impossibly long season, so long that it may call upon you to believe with faith-filled hope, it will indeed “spring up.” 

Glorious Satisfaction

Just recently we experienced the glorious satisfaction, (far more gratifying than any completed knitting project I am here to tell you!) of seeing seeds of healing spring up before our astonished eyes — seeds sown over and over and over and over in hope. To hear our child speak words to us that could only be spoken from a place of deep healing, confirmed in both eyes and tone of voice, left both Stephen and me full of praise to God for His faithfulness. This experience, so fresh and pleasing, reminded us that we must not grow weary of casting our seeds when all we see is a muddy stream and truly wonder if we’ve made any progress at all. 

Father God, we are believing You for the promised abundant harvest. Help us to parent in faith when our eyes don’t see any evidence of plants and fruit in our children. May it be to us and our children as you have said. Amen.

___________________________

Beth Templeton

Beth has been married to her husband Stephen for 27 years. They have seven children, ages 18-24. Several years after giving birth to three girls God called their family to the adventure and blessing of adoption. In 2000, they brought home a brother and sister, ages 5 and 10, from Russia. Then they returned to the same orphanage 18 months later and brought home two more brothers, ages 7 and 10. Beth’s heart has been deeply and forever changed as she has watched the love of Father God poured out on her whole family through adoption. She leads Hope at Home, a ministry dedicated to help adoptive and foster parents encounter the Father’s heart for their families, partnering with God to transform orphans into sons and daughters. For more parenting insight and encouragement in the Lord, go to Hope at Home.

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It Takes a Village {Together Called 2014}

Together Called 2014 is only 5 weeks away!  In addition to hearing from Stephen and Beth Templeton in the main sessions, couples who are attending will have the opportunity to hear from some others who have been prayerfully preparing to share with them during two different breakout session times.  We are so thankful for their commitment to helping make Together Called 2014 a time of restoration and refreshment for attendees.  Won’t you join us in praying not only for the attendees, but for the following speakers — part of the “Together Called Village” — as they prepare to share what God has laid on their hearts.

Photo: Can't wait to fill this room at this year's Together Called in 5 1/2 weeks!

The Biological and Adoptive Family: Parenting With Grace in a Blended Family – Tim and Nancy Shaw

Adoption is born out of loss and disruption. Primarily a loss for the child(ren) you are adopting but also a disruption to your marriage and the lives of the children who are anxiously awaiting the arrival of their new sibling. Blending the family God intended for you will be hard. But, in accordance to His perfect plan, God has provided us with all we need and come to a place of great joy in this process. In this session, Tim and Nancy will share the good, the bad, and the ugly of their adoption story and practical strategies for blending biological and adoptive children. They’ll discuss preparing the family for the arrival of new family members, using your children’s natural personalities to your advantage, what to do about the inevitable squabbling and sibling rivalry, and how discipline changes as blending occurs.
About the speakers: Tim and Nancy both grew up and live in gorgeous Arizona. Tim is an adult adoptee, and Nancy is a soccer mom and reluctant city girl. They were highschool sweethearts and are now parents to 7 children (4 homegrown and 3 through the blessing of special needs adoption), none of whom have actually ever played soccer. Tim and Nancy put their faith in the Lord to direct their path and get them though each fabulously crazy moment.  Nancy blogs at Ordinary Miracles & The Crazy 9.

It Takes a Village of Two – Mark and Kelly Raudenbush

Intentional parenting of kids from hard places is not easy. All the traditional methods of correction we know have to be reconsidered. As we set out to meet the unique needs of each of our children, it’s imperative that moms and dads approach correction as a team. This session will provide a little bit of why and how and then give an opportunity for couples to wrestle through some real life application for their own families.
About the speakers: Mark and Kelly Raudenbush founded The Sparrow Fund in 2011, having been changed by the adoption of their youngest child and desiring to serve adoptive families. Kelly holds a Masters degree in counseling, and they both have been trained to teach the Empowered to Connect material which is based on TBRI, Karyn Purvis’ research and methods for children from hard places. They consider it a joy to pour into both mothers and fathers who are eager to do the right thing for their families, encouraging parents to understand their own hearts more clearly as they seek to care for the hearts of their children. Mark and Kelly have been married for 15 years, have 4 children, and also work professionally with a nonprofit reaching students in Asia.  Kelly blogs at My Overthinking.

Let’s Play: Building Blocks, Building Attachment – Cheryl Walters

Play isn’t only about fun and games. In this session, Cheryl Walters will explain the importance of child’s play in building attachment and fostering positive parent-child relationships. She will also share different ideas about how to play with your children during different seasons of life for the “play-challenged,” focusing on how we can be attuned to our children and maximize interaction.
About the speaker: Cheryl Walters is a Licensed Psychologist since 1985. She is a Registered Clinician with ATTACh (Association for the Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children) as well as a Certified Theraplay Therapist. Cheryl designed, implemented, provided services, and fulfilled the role of Supervisory/Consulting Psychologist in a specialized treatment program for children/adolescents and their parents/families with diagnoses associated with Reactive Attachment Disorder, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, and Developmental Trauma Disorder. Currently, Cheryl specializes in providing outpatient psychotherapy for attachment issues and early trauma as a psychotherapist at Bethany Christian Services.

Nutrition for Our Kids: Some Things to Chew On – Wanda Graham

You don’t have to bite off more than you can chew to provide your children with good nutrition! With her love for cooking and passion to have healthy kids, Wanda Graham has invested herself in learning how good nutrition can bless children who have experienced trauma. In this session, Wanda will serve up an overview of the impact of nutrition on our children and the role we have as parents to meet our children’s needs in this way as well as provide bite-sized tips to healthy meal and snack options that will be well received and won’t make parents feel like they need to be masters of the kitchen or spend a fortune at the store.
About the speaker: Wanda Graham has been married to Matt for 14 years. Their home here in Lancaster County is a busy one, bustling with 6 children, all of whom have joined their family via adoption (one private domestic adoption, five adoptions through foster care). She is passionate about caring for the fatherless and the families who graft them in as their own. Wanda and Matt have been joyfully serving on the leadership team for Together Called since last year’s retreat.

Together to the Throne – hosted by Stephen and Beth Templeton

There are times when what we need most is simply for someone to stand with us in prayer. This session is set aside just for that. No teaching except what you hear from God in prayer; no topic except the one you bring for prayer. Jesus said, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.” During this time, Stephen and Beth, our keynote speakers, will stand together with couples, believing God for His kingdom to break in to the situations that are on your heart and for His voice to speak louder than all the others as you walk this adoption journey.
About the facilitators: Stephen and Beth Templeton, our keynote speakers, serve as elders at Northlands Church where Beth also leads a ministry to mothers and Stephen is a worship leader. Thirteen years ago, after having had three biological children, the Lord called Stephen and Beth to adopt four children from Russia, so now there are 9 Templetons. Both Stephen and Beth have a passion for communicating the joy, peace, and victory available to us as adoptive parents. Stephen is also a physician and practices dermatopathology in Atlanta.  You can read their blog here: Hope at Home.

Trauma and the Adopted child: What it is and What to do – Dr. Phil Monroe

Does adoption represent a trauma for the adopted child and his or her new family? Might trauma explain some of the problem behaviors your child exhibits? In this session, Dr. Monroe, director of the Global Trauma Recovery Institute, will review the characteristics of posttraumatic stress disorder and complex trauma along with options for treatment adoptive parents should consider. Dr. Monroe will also discuss recommendations for parents and loved ones, those who are most impacted by the adoption of children who have experienced trauma.
About the speaker: Phil Monroe is a licensed psychologist and Professor of Counseling & Psychology at Biblical Seminary. He directs both the MA in Counseling degree program and Global Trauma Recovery Institute. Phil has been married to Kim for the past 23 years and together they adopted two infant boys who are now 15 and 13. Phil’s professional and personal musings can be found at www.wisecounsel.wordpress.com.

What’s Romance Got to Do With It? – Jeff and Cheryl Nitz

All of us experience unique challenges balancing the needs of our children and maintaining a growing vital marriage. And, loving and caring for our spouses, including having some semblance of a love life, is an important way that we care for them, ourselves, and even our family as a whole. Come join Jeff and Cheryl as they share some of their own journey as adoptive parents and offer thoughts about how best to foster a fun, growing, intimate marriage that equips parents to lead healthy families.
About the speakers: Jeff and Cheryl Nitz bring both professional and personal experience to share as they offer insights, challenges, and encouragement to families whom God has brought together through adoption. Jeff and Cheryl both have over 25 years of professional experience in the field of adoption and foster care. Jeff is currently the Vice President of Adoption & Family Services for Bethany Christian Services. Cheryl is a therapist and the Director of the Attachment & Bonding Center of PA, specializing in working with families impacted by adoption, trauma and attachment challenges. But, Jeff and Cheryl often say their best education has come from being parents to their four kids (two of whom came to the family through adoption) and grandparents to four. Most importantly, Jeff and Cheryl are presenting as fellow sojourners—sharing with other adoptive parents the joys and challenges and lessons learned and deeply committed to fostering a fun, growing, supportive marriage in the midst of chaos!

Where Are My Green Pastures? – Stephanie Smit

If the Lord is your Shepherd, shouldn’t you be enjoying some green pastures? Perhaps you feel like your adoption journey has felt much more like the valley of the shadow of death than green pastures. Maybe He walked you through the “valley of the shadow of death” in your adoption process; but, now that you are home, you are still waiting for some “green pastures.” By adjusting our understanding of the green pastures David was writing about, we will gain a better understanding of how God provides for His people. Whether you are still waiting to complete your adoption or have been home “in the trenches” for many years, find encouragement by getting new perspective on the promises of Psalm 23.
About the speaker: Stephanie’s 18 years teaching in the classroom were easy compared to mothering three little ones at home full time. Through the process of growing her family with her husband Matt, God has revealed Himself most clearly. He not only worked a miracle in giving them their biological daughter, He continued to show Himself in mighty ways throughout their adoption journeys in China and Bhutan that were anything but normal. Through times of heartache, disappointment, and uncertainty God proved Himself to be not only the God of the end result, but the God of the right-there-with-you. In addition to being a full-time mother, Stephanie loves connecting with and encouraging other adoptive families through her work as administrator of The Sparrow Fund’s blog “We Are Grafted In.”  Stephanie also blogs at We Are Family.
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Science Questions

Always inquisitive and literal, my four year old looked at me at the end of our meal and asked, “Mom, how can God live in my heart if He is living in heaven?”

“Well, honey, God is everywhere, so He can live in your heart AND in heaven.”

“Even when we go on vacation?”

“Yep, even when we go on vacation. He can be in both places at the same time.  That’s kind of hard to understand, isn’t it?”

Looking puzzled she replied, “Yes, Mom.  That’s like a science question.”

To her, a “science question” is a really hard question – a question whose answer is either “I don’t know”, or is too hard to understand. As I pondered our little conversation, I couldn’t help but find so much truth in it.

Ask anyone who has adopted and they will likely tell you that it was during the course of their adoption that they saw God move in powerful, undeniable ways.  Those stories are such an encouragement to hear and are readily shared with others.

But most adoptive parents will also tell you that it was during the course of their adoption that they questioned God the most.   Why is this so hard, Lord?  Why are we hitting yet another road block?  Is this the child you would have us adopt?  Why are the feelings of love not coming as quickly as I assumed they would?  Why did our adoption fall apart?  When will the waiting end?  How can this be happening?

Hard, faith-testing questions. Questions that often have no earthly answer or explanation. 

“Science questions.”

We all have them.  And I dare say that those “science questions” are just as important to share as our “success stories”.  Sharing our struggles and questions – even unanswered ones – with each other allows us to experience authentic, faith-filled community.  You struggle with that?  I do, too!

It’s also important to keep approaching God with our questions.  He’s big enough to handle our questions.  Even our “science questions”.  And while He certainly could give us answers, He just may be more interested in having us wrestle with Him over the questions.

Wrestling requires closeness.

Wrestling produces strength.

Wrestling may also cause hurt (as it did when Jacob), but with God it will be a hurt that will serve as a reminder of the holiness of God and the intimacy of your relationship.

So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. … The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip.
Genesis 32:24-25, 31

So share those questions with others in your faith-community.  Find support and community with others.  You are not alone in your questioning.  But also approach God with your questions. Wrestle with Him.  He longs to draw you closer to him and will use anything He can to get you there.

Even “science questions”.

____________________________

Stephanie Smit18 years in the classroom as a teacher was easy compared to parenting three little ones at home full-time. Through their three daughters, God has revealed Himself most clearly to Stephanie and her husband Matthew. He not only worked a miracle in giving them their biological daughter, He continued to show Himself in mighty ways throughout adoption journeys in China and Bhutan that were anything but normal. Nowadays she enjoys encouraging and connecting with other adoptive families through her work on “We Are Grafted In”.  You can read more about their family on their personal blog We Are Family.

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waiting

He started making eye contact a few days ago and when that happens, it’s impossible to not fall in love with the little boy whose big eyes stare at me over the bottle day after night after day. I tell him that he’s perfect, that someone is praying for him right now, begging that the next phone call will bring the news that their baby is ready. He grabs my finger and I tell him he’s so strong and that one day, maybe he’ll use that strength to fight for the ones who are waiting for families.

 

 

Waiting.

It’s impossible to hold one of these waiting ones or to look into the eyes of the ones I love across the ocean and not think, “Are there children out there waiting – right now – for me?” My friends walk off those airplanes with sons and daughters, beautiful and tall, whose eyes tell a story of long years spent waiting. And I’ve been there – lived there – long enough to witness their waiting. I know the ones who have watched friend after friend walk away with their new family and one of them scoots up next to me and says, “Will my family come next?”

 

 

So to keep my heart from breaking and theirs from growing hard, I take their faces in my hands and say it over and over and over. You’re beautiful. You’re loved. You were created on purpose.  I tell her that she is loved – that this God she reads stories about is real and He’s a Father to us all, but especially to the ones who wait. I tell him that there are things in life that hurt us and if they hurt us they hurt Him, too. They can talk to Him like a Father.

On Mother’s Day this year, I tiptoed into the hospital nursery and scooped up one of the tiniest ones who was waiting. Just a few weeks later, I got to tell her forever mommy and daddy that I held her that day, told her they were coming, and prayed she would feel safe.

And I pray almost daily that there is someone doing the same for my children who might be waiting out there. I pray that someone is tucking them into a bed at night and kissing their foreheads and treating them with respect. I pray that when they look into the eyes of their caregivers, they see delight and safety reflected there. I pray that if they are alone, He would fill them with an unexplainable confidence that this is not their forever – that someone will come for them.

Isn’t that what our Father did for us? While we were waiting, He made a way for us to know that this is not out forever.

So while they wait for me and I wait for them and this little boy in my arms is waiting for someone else and I’m sure you’re waiting for something, too, let’s cling to the truth that this waiting is not forever and that the Father who planned our lives is good even when the minutes and hours aren’t. He promised.

Maybe your waiting looks different. Maybe you’re waiting for a new job or for a spouse to come home from deployment or for school to start or for your child to attach to you fully or maybe just for the baby to finally fall asleep. If, like me, you just need to be reminded over and over that He is good, pop on over to this littleInstagram space where my friend posts daily lifelines to the Father who keeps His promises. 

 

 

________________________________

Mandie Joy Turner copyMandie Joy is a foster parent and in-process adoptive mama of two beautiful little girls in Africa. She blogs at www.seeingjoy.com.

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Overthinking Foster Care

Rewind 7 years.

We’re going to do foster care.

My sister and her husband shared the news. And, I shared my thoughts, which really were a number of reasons why foster care was not a good idea.

should I do foster careEloquent argument #1: It is a lot of work. There’s paperwork and training and meetings and appointments just to get permission to foster in the first place. After you have a child in your home, those meetings and appointments won’t end. Then, add in the normal care-for-a-child stuff inherent to caring for a child. That’s a lot of work for a child who isn’t your own. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just avoid it altogether?

And…

They have worked hard. A lot of training. A lot of meetings. A lot of teacher conferences and doctor appointments and social worker visits. It hasn’t been easy. But, you know what? It’s been worth it. They’ve been developed individually and as parents together. But, greater than that, they’ve experienced the blessing of getting to play a significant part in a child’s life and getting a front row seat to witnessing every child they’ve served grow and learn and experience healing in part or in whole. I admit that it’s been pretty amazing to watch from the sidelines.

Eloquent argument #2: You have to face hard stuff. If a kid needs a foster home, something has broken that should not have been broken. And, when you start foster parenting, you step into that brokenness. Simply acknowledging the messyness can be hard. But, when you step into that mess, you have to not only recognize that that mess exists, you get messy too. Hard stuff. Wouldn’t it be so much more comfortable to just avoid it altogether?

And…

They have faced hard stuff—a toddler found walking on the highway, a teenage girl given only a few clothes she could fit in a backpack and enough money for a one-way bus ride, and children having children. But, you know what? They can do hard stuff. They have been changed as they have come face to face with brokenness in their own neighborhood. They’ve gotten messy as those caring for children from hard places inevitably do, but they also know the God who is right there in the mess and, because of Him, they know how to wash the feet of the children in their home, bringing restoration into broken lives. And, that is what it’s all about.

Eloquent argument #3: Your heart may get broken. The goal of foster care is not adoption. While there are adoptions out of foster care, fostering isn’t designed as a way to grow a new family; family reunification is the goal. That means you are likely going to give and give to a child only to see him or her go to another family long term. Wouldn’t it be so much safer to just avoid it altogether?

And…

Their hearts have more texture than they had 7 years ago. Some newborns stayed for only a few days. Some children stayed for over a year. We’ve watched them open gifts on Christmas morning. We’ve clapped when they’ve blown out birthday candles. My mother made a teenage girl jump up and down with pure joy when she gave her a pair of big-girl footie pajamas after she said she had always wanted a pair and never had them as a little girl. They have braided hair, left quarters under pillows from the tooth fairy, helped with homework, read bedtime stories, and taught them how to pray. The family celebrated when the first child they fostered became their son. But, we’ve said goodbye to many more. All of our hearts have more texture today than they did before we knew these children. If you took an x-ray of my sister’s heart, you’d see a lot of cracks and craters of stories in there, stories of children they loved and served for a time. But, that heart is also bigger than it was before, capable of even more love than it was before they took that step to become foster parents and stand in the gap for the children who need it the most.

Somewhere along the way, my eloquent arguments seemed to lose steam and the reality of foster parenting became a bit more real to me. When Mark and I spoke last month to a group of foster parents about connecting with the children in their care, it became even more real to me. My textured heart was stirred.

Foster care. It’s all about life. Life giving all around. Life changing all around. For children. For those ordinary heroes we call “foster parents.” It’s not easy or comfortable or safe. But, the best things in life simply aren’t.

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Kelly Raudenbush
Kelly Raudenbush

Forever changed by their experience of being adopted and adopting, Kelly is a stay-at-home mom/manager to 4 children and a professional juggler, juggling her calling as wife and mother with her secondary callings (editing and serving adoptive families through The Sparrow Fund). You can learn more about their adoption story, how they’ve been changed, and what life for them looks like on their personal blog.

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My Fairly Uneducated, Slightly Inexperienced Advice on Older Child Adoption in a Nutshell

So, not that everyone has been waiting on the edge of their seats or anything…

but it’s about time I got these few points out there to maybe benefit someone else.

Also, I would like to go ahead and mention, that I know there are some really hard things that go with older child adoption and by no means am I demeaning those experiences. Nor do I believe that these few things that I feel like have been important learning experiences for me even come close to touching all the issues that can/do arise in these situations.

Whew. I feel better now that I have that off my chest.

Now.

I think the biggest thing I was unprepared for in this whole experience was how delays in maturity really effect you in the everyday and how to be prepared to handle these things.

I like to call this first point:

CROWD CONTROL.

The good news about handling crowd control is that all you really need is a good sense of humor and perspective. That doesn’t sound too bad eh? Well, it’s not too bad if your thinking about it.

The tough part is we sometimes forget things as parents and overreact at times. Do I sound like I am speaking from experience???

Umm, yes.

So, this is something I have had to remind myself about on a regular basis this first year and probably about 1-2 years more for all I know.

Crowd control is understanding that there is a difference between knowing that your child is about 2 years younger on the inside because of what they have been through and seeing that play out every where you go.

Because when a 2 to 4 year old says, “Hey, Mom! Look at that fat man.” It is embarrassing, but everyone understands; that little kid doesn’t have a filter yet, he’ll learn.

But when a 6 or 7 year old says things like that…you start having some ‘splainin’ to do.

When a 2 to 4 year old says, “Hey, when you two get married are you going to take your clothes off and get in the bed?” most people laugh and snicker. They’re not assuming the worst, but understanding that most likely that child was just speaking in a literal sense from what he has seen his parents do.

Ah, but when your 7 year old says it…it’s a little different. It’s harder for others to see the lack of the maturity that I know exists, that his world is being redefined, that he is learning new things culturally and societally. And quite frankly, I can’t put out a psa to every kid’s parent in his classes or everyone in my church. I have had to put out a few fires in this first year.

This is why I call it crowd control.

I have come to learn in these situations that sometimes I need to make sure I am patient with my son because he is just learning, with others because they can’t be expected to always know or understand, to not overreact myself and fear the worse, and especially pepper the situation with a little sense of humor.

Now, I am not saying that sometimes there couldn’t be other underlying issues or that everything can be laughed off. But a good bit of it in our situation can, and I need to remember that.

Another underlying point with crowd control is me getting over myself and this perfect family image thing. Which honestly, didn’t we abandon that already a long time ago? Go figure.

My second point, which kind of follows along with point one is:

REDEFINING LIFE WITH A FAMILY CIRCLE.

What is family?
What is a mom and dad, really?
It is a word, a title they are familiar with.

It has begun to occur to me that the actual concept of that and all it entails will take him some time to truly understand. And we have to define what that means for him.

In his mind, he had created an image of what he thinks a family is or does, but the reality of what a family truly is and means is very different from that.

I mean, in his foster family he called his foster parents mom and dad, and at the orphanage everyone is big brother, big sister, aunt, etc.

So many people have taken care of me.

So why wouldn’t everyone we meet at church be my big brother and sister. Why can’t I cuddle with every person I meet. Don’t they all love me, know my name, readily want to hug me?

I had to fight for attention in the orphanage. I would get it from doing things like this. Shouldn’t it be the same? I need attention. That is how you succeed.

Maybe this stuff is obvious. Maybe I even read it. Seeing it come to reality is different.

I began to understand first hand how a mom and dad (and siblings too) become the center of a baby’s universe. They are the nucleus from which their world revolves. For my son, maybe it was his nanny’s or crib. Which isn’t exactly a central point, especially since that changed when he was three. From three till 6 it was his foster family, and he recognized them as mom and dad.

I am sure they probably tried to clarify they were just fostering, but he wasn’t at an age I think to truly grasp that. Most of the time I marvel at the reality he has created in his precious mind. I know it will take time to redefine that.

At the moment, we have a lot of conversations about the fact that we are his forever. He talks about not staying here forever, that he can’t. Not in a spiteful way, just matter-of-factly. So in the kindest loving way possible, I explain to him that while we may take him back to visit, China/the orphanage is no longer his home unless he decides to leave when he is older. I try to tell him that his foster parents were just helping him while he waited, that they couldn’t be his family forever. They weren’t allowed. I try to explain that we could visit the orphanage or try to work there one day, but that they couldn’t take him back if he wanted to go and we would never leave him even so.

I wonder how long it will take him to see these concepts; how long it will take for him to understand that life will never change as far as us being his family is concerned.

Some of the ways we reinforce this is by spending quality time together, which I would consider an obvious solution. But there are other things we have been led to do as well, such as:

—Remind him that there are things we discuss with family that we don’t discuss outside of our family unit. And when he asks why, it gives me a great opportunity to reinforce the nucleus of family.

—Remind him that physical affection is saved for mom and dad.

—To try to explain what strangers are and how and when to let someone in to become acquaintances and then friends.

—That all attention is not good attention.

—That though others care about you that doesn’t necessarily mean that they love you or want to be your family. You can’t just pick any Joe from down the road because they seem better and they’re kinda nice to you.

My last and probably the most surprising for me was:

WHEN PEOPLE DON’T LIKE THEM

Ok, maybe this should have been obvious. And I know this is an issue that my biological children could have, but none the less it didn’t occur to me.

So much love had grown in my heart for this kid I had never met, just like for Lily. And you assume it does for others too. But she was a cute little 2 year old girl and he was a big 6 year old boy. I just didn’t allow myself to realize that all the things that come with that aren’t as cute to others or as easy to get over.

News flash: things that he does aren’t nearly as endearing as when a little 2 year old girl does them, or even a little boy for that matter. Not even close.

Which, some of that is boy, I guess. And I am not going to lie, all of us have had some adjustments to make getting used to this in our previous estrogen-filled life.

But I just wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be for him to make friends. I wasn’t prepared for the fact that kids in our circles of life wouldn’t like him, that he would be picked on, called “weird”, and get hit. That even adults would have a hard time “liking” him.

What got me was that it wasn’t about prejudice because he was Chinese.
I had been prepared for that.
It wasn’t because he has a special need.
I had been prepared for that.
It was because he is mentally, socially delayed.
It was because he acts…different.
I wasn’t prepared for that.

I will admit this is where I have struggled the most. I want him to be accepted and make friends. I want him to have buddies. We try to help him learn what people like and don’t like. We teach him how to read social clues. While also trying to teach him when/how to stand up for himself and balance that with forgiveness, kindness and love. Which again, is not totally different than when parenting biological children, or with parenting boys, or with parenting children with special needs. But, I just wasn’t prepared for it.

I really thought he would make friends easily and that people would understand. I was more focused on him being willing to let his guard down to make friends instead of realizing that it would also be difficult for others to accept him and understand his needs.

I should have realized that this would be a challenge for others as much as it was a challenge for us. There were many times my own daughters had a difficult time understanding his actions, and I had to take time to help them see things with the proper perspective. I just didn’t have a good enough game plan in this area, or heart prep, or something.
There is so much more than just these three things, but I think these are the three things that have struck me the most. Maybe I knew, but never understood or maybe I underestimated??

People ask me know about our experience adopting an older child and these are the responses that I feel like I would have wanted someone to talk to me about more before hand. It is one thing to read it in a book. A total new one to handle in real life.

I have learned to really listen to the Holy Spirit. I don’t have all the answers or know how to handle every situation. Even having read the books, each situation is sometimes so unique and people are staring at you for answers…in those moments I need help.

However, I wouldn’t change a thing about what we have done. We have beaten some pretty negative odds out there too, I suppose; adopted an older child into a large family, out of birth order, the first of his sex in our family. In many ways though, this adoption has been easier than Lily’s was. However, more difficult on his side for the things he lost. Which I know he still mourns in his own way. Though, you would never know it to look at him. He covers it up in his silly, attention getting ways.

Anyway, this is kinda long and if you made it this far you really wanted to know my thoughts on this. So there ya go, some of my thoughts on older child adoption. It’s beautiful and fun and I would do it all over again. The good has far outweighed the hard and he has brought a lot of joy to a lot of people. He is one cool dude and our family has been changed for the better!

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Lokey 197Anna Lokey and her husband Shaun have four girls (one from China) and FINALLY a boy (also from China). She’s a normal mom, living a life for God, raising a family that does the same, homeschooling, and trying to keep up with everyone’s schedules. She says, “If I can get my kids to school and gymnastics on time and then fix a real meal for dinner, it’s been a good day!” You can read more about them and their anything but LoKEY life on her blog www.anythingbutlokey.com.

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how to love in uncertainty

 

When you decide to say yes to a child who might only be in your life for a few days, there’s a choice to be made.

How much will I love? Where will I draw the line of investing in this child’s emotional, spiritual, and physical wellbeing? How much of myself will I allow to be vulnerable so that this vulnerable child can feel safe?

When that baby is placed in your arms – when that child slips her hand into yours – you hope they will feel safe. But how much safety can I expect to exude if my own heart is guarded by so-called wisdom and held back by fear of letting go one day? It’s well known that I advocate a deep heart-giving in these kinds of situations. There are too many days when a particular child is hard to love, nights when someone wakes up just.too.many.times. On those occasions, I need to be fully invested. I need the attachment even more than they do on those days.

 

 

[photo by Morgan Perry]

Of course, this kind of commitment – this emotional and spiritual connection – leaves room for a deep sense of something missing when the child moves on. In fact, Rachel and I have found that when we’re honest about missing our Ugandan kiddos, it makes people uncomfortable. It’s as if the intensity or prolonged existence of the pain somehow calls into question the legitimacy of our grief. A few people have said that we should, “get over it already.” But somehow I don’t think it’s inconsistent to say that you miss someone while still rejoicing and profoundly approving of God’s plan for them to move on. Of course, choosing a heart posture that honors God in that grief is necessary. Maybe the rejoicing brings all the more glory to God because of the place of pain from which it comes.

But this post is not a discussion of how much to attach or how much to grieve. It’s about what to do when you attach all the way and then need to let go. I’m learning that there’s a healthy tension of loving fully, guarding my heart, and allowing myself to miss and it can only be maintained if I remember two things: who I am and who God is.

Let me tell you what I mean:

Everyone has their own style of attachment. Mine is to jump in no holds barred and love each child right nowbelieving, at the same time, that they might be in my life forever and they might be gone tomorrow. Those two very real possibilities call out the same level of commitment, intensity, steadfastness, and purpose in me. If this baby in my arms is my daughter, would I want to remember that I held back from her in our first months together? If she’s someone else’s daughter, loving her someone else means I lay down my life for them by caring for this child as if she were my own, ready to humbly return her to Jesus and allow him to place her in that someone else’s arms when the time comes.

 

 

There’s no profound revelation behind this heart stance. It’s simply what I’ve learned from the way Jesus loves me.He chose me before I loved him and he loves me whether or not I choose him. He loves me today with the same passion as tomorrow and yesterday, whether I’m walking close to him or turning by back to him in fear. His love is constant, consistent, sure. It’s this love I’m drawing on most days. There are days when I’m drawing from my own leaky bucket and on those days, he scoots in closer than ever and whispers, “Remember where you started this day? Come back.” It’s his consistent love that compels me to joy even when my circumstances (or those of the children I’ve loved) are not what I think they should be.

Trusting God’s goodness for the children I cared for in Uganda is not difficult at all. They are each living in homes where they are adored, where they are learning love, where they will grow up knowing God’s goodness on every level. But I still miss them, because when you dive in wholeheartedly in love towards a child who suddenly moves on, that place in your heart is left empty. The great thing about having empty places that no one understands and no one else can fill is that Jesus moves into them – if we ask him to.

In the case of several of my foster children (from long ago), the someone else who I was standing-in for turned out to be someone I didn’t trust. When it came time for them to go, I didn’t agree. Seven years later, I still don’t know where they are. This is not ideal, obviously, but sometimes it’s reality and my only salvation in a situation like that is to remember that the God who committed them to me for a season has committed Himself to them for a lifetime. That’s the promise.

 

 

My perspective of God’s goodness is too limited for me to attempt to tell him what that everlasting covenant should look like today – for me, for my family, for anyone I love. The fact that I don’t understand his timing is not a reflection on God’s goodness. It is a reflection of my struggle to trust his goodness.  I can as soon fully understand the goodness of God as a baby can understand why her loving parents allow the doctor to give her a life saving, but painful, surgery. But whether or not I can fully understand him, I have him. And he is good.

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The moments of missing are few and far between these days. They’re limited to anniversaries and the times when Rachel and I let ourselves reminisce about the improbabilities and chaos of that year in Uganda. But, when they do surface, my go-to phrase for Jesus is, “OK, I feel lonely here and I miss so-and-so today. What do you want to show me about yourself in this? Where are you for me right now?”

And let me just say, that little series of questions is like a key that unlocks things I didn’t know about Jesus and me. It turns the areas of my life that I don’t understand into spaces where I can go deep with Jesus. It turns fear into the most trusting friendship. It turns shame into the deepest acceptance. It turns loneliness into the sweetest communion with my truest Friend. And I’ll take that over avoiding pain any day.

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Mandie Joy Turner copyMandie Joy is a foster parent and soon-to-be adoptive mama of two beautiful little girls who are waiting in Africa. She blogs at www.seeingjoy.com.

 

 

 

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