Uncategorized Archives - Page 10 of 16

May 14, 2014May 13, 2014

Some Powerful Words of Approval

Blessing. It is the simplest of things to do, as are so many of the things I forget to be intentional about in the daily swirl of parenting!

I love to tell my daughter, “You are just amazing! I love who you are and I love it that I get to be your mommy.”

It is a joy to say to my son, “What a strong young man you are! It is just plain fun to be with you.”

Who of us does not desire that kind of approval?! I still see, after these many years later since our children first came home, that the need for blessing in our adopted children is even more key to their wholeness and identity than with our biological children.

Father God spoke powerful words of blessing over His Son:

And behold, a voice from heaven said, This is My Son, My Beloved, in Whom I delight! (Matthew 3:17 AMP)

There is a lot in this short scripture for us!

The voice that spoke the blessing was the Father. There is something powerful about a daddy’s blessing. We mamas can and should bless too, for we have a voice of significant influence, but you fathers have a unique and powerful role in blessing your children.
My Son”–find ways to speak belonging, relationship, and connection. Father didn’t say, “this is the son.” He said “this is My son.” I just love that!
“My Son“–never grow tired of speaking sonship to, with, about, and over your adopted child. A son or daughter is not an orphan. I see my children’s perceived need of this truth to come and go over the 14 and 12 years they have been home, but I am absolutely convinced that they always are hungering for this declaration. Even now as young adults, maybe even more so actually because they are going through the sometimes complicated process of making sense of their identities, they sometimes struggle with what it means that they are no longer orphans.
God spoke this defining blessing out loud where others could hear. I love speaking words of affirmation and blessing to my children in the hearing of their siblings, peers, and other adults. Sure, they may act embarrassed at some stages, but I can see they really love it underneath! For all of us, it just plain feels good when someone speaks of their pleasure in us. We are empowering our children when we bless them in front of others.
“My Beloved”–we find ways to highlight that this is not just our son or daughter. Not only a child who was adopted, and so now has a familial connection to us. No! This is a much loved child. Oh how our children need to hear this. This reality may not be true for your children, but for ours, the fact is that they know from experience that not all sons and daughters are much loved.
“My Beloved”–again, notice that Father God highlights the personal connection with His son. Jesus is not merely a beloved son, he is my beloved son.
“In Whom I Delight“–I love how God doesn’t stop at familial relationship as He blesses Jesus. It’s like He is saying, “There is even more than that! I like him–a lot. I enjoy him. He pleases me.” Find ways to show your approval. Even, and especially, in those times when it is hardest to find something of which to approve!

And you know, God spoke these power words over His son before Jesus had done any miracles, or fulfilled His destiny, or made the choice to yield to the Father’s will of death on the cross. We also can and should bless our children, not based on their performance, but on their identity–even and especially when their actions don’t reflect the truth of who they are as a true son or daughter.

So my fellow parents, let’s be intentional in speaking these kind of powerful words of approval and blessing and life into, about, over and with our children. I am seeing the fruit of it in our 4 adopted children who are now 19, 19, 21 and 23– there is very little more satisfying than that for this mama!

___________________________

Beth has been married to her husband Stephen for 27 years. They have seven children, ages 18-24. Several years after giving birth to three girls God called their family to the adventure and blessing of adoption. In 2000, they brought home a brother and sister, ages 5 and 10, from Russia. Then they returned to the same orphanage 18 months later and brought home two more brothers, ages 7 and 10. Beth’s heart has been deeply and forever changed as she has watched the love of Father God poured out on her whole family through adoption. She leads Hope at Home, a ministry dedicated to help adoptive and foster parents encounter the Father’s heart for their families, partnering with God to transform orphans into sons and daughters. For more parenting insight and encouragement in the Lord, go to Hope at Home.

May 12, 2014June 11, 2018

Wrestling

I’m a rule follower. I’m usually not that interested in blazing a trail or forging a new path. I like tried-and-true. I like safe. Perhaps I feel like if I follow a set rule or the “right” way the outcome will be guaranteed. Guaranteed to be positive, productive, and pleasant. Who doesn’t like pleasant, right?

So, I’ve done my fair share of reading. I should clarify, I am not a reader of novels and quality literature. I really wish I was, but I’m not. But, I do read helpful how-to books. Books about how to grow spiritually, parent successfully, and nurture effectively.

I’m also surrounded by friends and family whose input an opinions I value. Honest, God-following, straight-shooting, encouraging, wise people. I’m not afraid to admit when I don’t know something or need to grow in an area, and I’m quick to seek out the wisdom and experience of others.

But, what I’m really looking for in all of that is a rule. A “right” way of doing things. The right way. Because if I can figure out the one right answer to whatever challenge or decision I am facing, I will be guaranteed to like the results.

The only problem is, as much as I really, really want there to be one. right. answer. There usually isn’t.

What works for you, might not work for me.

What worked for one of my children, may not for the other.

Which makes this whole parenting gig challenging, to say the least. Besides the typical decisions of parenting, there are questions and decisions about what my children – biological and adopted – need to grow into emotionally healthy, spiritually strong people. And as they grow, the questions and decisions change. In parenting, instead of a to-do list where things are crossed off leaving you with a feeling of accomplishment, one decision or question often leads to another.

Does she need more time with me?

How can I encourage bonding in a way that she will connect with?

Are her outbursts a normal phase or is she working through something adoption related?

How will my two daughters with two very different adoption stories feel about their story?

When is it appropriate to share each detail of their story? When are they ready?

Is she too attached to me? Is it healthy attachment?

How do I encourage our bio daughter who feels left out being the only one not adopted?

Big questions. Big decisions. No real “right” answers. No one rule to follow to guarantee results. Just a wrestling.

Wrestling with the options, the experts’ opinions, the input of wise counsel and the prayers to my Heavenly Father to guide me. To guide me in some clear and unmistakable way, please. And while there have been times when He has done so, I find that more often than not I am left to wrestle.

Wrestle with the options and choices and decisions. We wrestle with the what as well as the why. We wrestle with Him.

“Then Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak.” Genesis 32:24

“…your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel; for you have struggled with God and with men and have prevailed.”
Genesis 32:28

“…he wrestled with the angel and prevailed; He wept and
sought His favor.”
Hosea 12:4

However, wrestling is never wasted.

I believe God actually wants us to wrestle. Wrestle with decisions and wrestle with Him. He doesn’t spell out every right answer to every question we face. You just have to look at all the Christian denominations there are to see that people interpret his Word in different ways, all wrestling with what it means to follow Christ. We want black and white, but often we feel like we find a lot of gray, and so we wrestle. We want clear explanations to the struggles we face, and so we wrestle.

It is in the wrestling that we develop a closer relationship with God. There is a closeness – an intimacy – necessary in wrestling. It can also be messy. It is a struggle that brings us near to God and strengthens our faith, changing us as He touches the parts of our character that need shaping.

So, while I still want one right answer to each parenting and attachment question, I’m often times left to wrestle. Wrestle with the choices set before me and wrestle with God, yearning to hear His voice and see his leading. And in the end, praying to be strengthened in the process.

I’m not sure that my desire for the Book of Right Answers will ever go away, my list of questions, concerns and decisions about my children sure isn’t. But, I am growing in my appreciation of the growth and intimacy that comes from the wrestling.

_____________________________

18 years in the classroom as a teacher was easy compared to parenting three little ones at home full-time. Through their three daughters, God has revealed Himself most clearly to Stephanie and her husband Matthew. He not only worked a miracle in giving them their biological daughter, He continued to show Himself in mighty ways throughout adoption journeys in China and Bhutan that were anything but normal. Nowadays she enjoys encouraging and connecting with other adoptive families through speaking and her work on the leadership team of “We Are Grafted In”. You can read more about their family on their personal blog We Are Family.

May 7, 2014May 10, 2014

The Other Side

I’ve had this post swirling around in my head for almost two months now, but simply haven’t been able to find the time or energy to figure out exactly how to write it. You see, as an adoptive mom, it’s very important to me to protect my children’s stories in the best way I can. I try to be very intentional about what I do or don’t share with the world. Along the way, I’ve made many mistakes with this, sharing too much I think, so I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not I should write this post at all. BUT, when it comes down to it, I’ve always seen this blog as a way to connect with others going through a similar journey. I’ve been fortunate to “meet” people who say our story has been a big part of what led them to adopt. I’ve also been on the other end of that where I’ve “stumbled” upon someone’s blog and God spoke directly to my heart through their words. That being said, if what I have to say can help ease some other adoptive mama’s mind and heart or make them feel less alone then it will be worth it.

There was such an intense longing with Gideon’s adoption. We had been through years of infertility, lost our precious baby, and had to fight so very hard to become his mama and baba. The moment they walked him into the room, my whole world became instantly brighter. I fell head over heels in love with him long before that moment, but it was instantly intensified to a place I didn’t even know existed. And that love has just continued to grow from each day going forward. He IS my heart.

This time has been, well….different. We entered into this adoption process in quite a different way. We felt God nudging our hearts when we’d only been home with Gideon for about 6 months. I thought, “NO WAY!” It is too soon! But when it came down to it, we knew that in our life, when God says GO, we would say YES! I wrestled with that choice constantly thinking that maybe Gideon didn’t have enough time with just us. Maybe I didn’t have enough time with just him, but we knew it was what we were supposed to do.

When we were presented with Bishop’s file, VERY QUICKLY, I felt panic, but Ryan fell instantly in love. We had 72 hours to make our decision and we took it down to the last hour. Fear was paralyzing me, but I didn’t want fear to be my deciding factor. Through lots of intense prayer and talking it through with one another, we knew God was saying he was ours. Even after making that decision though it took me several months to feel a connection to him. I realize some people may read to this point and start thinking how awful of a person I must be. If you’re already thinking that, I warn you to just stop reading now because it gets worse.

I’d read stories about adoptive parents not feeling connected to their child for quite some time even after having them in their arms and to be really honest I judged them harshly. Not out loud, but in my mind I thought how terrible. How could you possibly feel that way!?

Well, let me tell you something. I was about to learn my lesson. After a VERY long wait to get all of the necessary paperwork to bring Bishop home, there was a mama bear fight that grew in me. I cried many times at the injustice of stupid paperwork being what kept me from holding my boy in my arms and getting him out of his current circumstances. I really feel that God used that time to grow my connection to him. Looking back, I am so grateful for that time. So when the big day came I was anxious to finally see his face and hold him in my arms. I couldn’t wait to get there. I was nervous about what changes it would bring for all involved. I was scared of how Gideon would react. But I was excited to see his face. I was excited he would finally be ours forever.

We walked into that room and saw him and when they placed him in my arms I felt….

nothing.

Hold on, this couldn’t be right. This was a child I had fought for for almost a year. He was my son. He was Gideon’s little brother. We had prayed for him and waited for this very moment for what felt like forever. How could I feel this way!?

As he cried and thrashed to try to get away from me, the stranger he was looking at with his fearful eyes, all I could think was no no no no no! This isn’t right. What have we done? I didn’t feel compassion or the feeling that I wanted to calm and comfort him. I wanted to hand him back to his nanny whom he obviously loved and run far far away. In the long 45 minutes it took to get him to calm down, I was frozen. I literally didn’t know what to do. So I just did what I did with Gideon, hoping it would snap me back into reality so I could be what he needed in that moment. I sang Jesus Loves Me to him and held him close, but it didn’t work. So, I walked him to a different room and sat down with him in my arms. I kept looking at his face, those eyes that were searching for something in mine to tell him he was going to be okay, but it wasn’t there. My sweet Gideon came over and brought him his bear and rubbed his head saying the words he should’ve heard from his Mama, “It’s okay Bishop. It’s okay.” I just held Gideon close and cried with Bishop. The tears were for the sweetness in my compassionate child who knew what to do when his Mama didn’t, but they were also for all the times I harshly judged others for feeling exactly as I did in that very moment.

I went through the motions from that minute forward…holding him, rocking him, feeding him, bathing him, changing him, until it was bedtime that night. It was then, with my parents and husband, that I was finally able to let it all out. I just sobbed and said what a horrible person I felt like for feeling this way. I prayed that it was just the shock of everything changing so quickly. I got on my adoption boards that I belong to and bravely put it all out there, hoping I wasn’t the only one. Some of the ladies instantly added me to a Safe Haven group where I learned that about 90% of adoptive parents feel exactly like I did. A dear friend said something I will always remember…”Adoption is beautiful and it is redemption, but it is not natural so why would you expect it to feel natural. Give yourself grace.”

Even after knowing I wasn’t the only one to ever not love their child right away, I still felt like something was wrong with me. I mean, I didn’t feel at all like this with Gideon. Well, through my social workers and other adoptive families, I learned that my experience with Gideon is actually the exception. I am so grateful for what we instantly shared. I guess I naively assumed it would be the same with Bishop.

I asked a dear friend of mine if I should write about this because, like I said, I never want to share something that could potentially be detrimental for my children to read. So, I figured I would wait. Surely in a few days, I will get to the other side of this and feel differently. I just knew that would be the case. Well, the days turned into weeks and weeks and weeks. I was still “faking it til I made it”. I knew enough to know that Love is an intentional choice. Once you go through the motions long enough, surely the feelings will follow. Well, what I’ve learned is sometimes that takes a very long time. But that’s okay. I was, immaturely, indulging in my dislike, instead of CHOOSING love regardless of his behavior. I see how this could definitely put a distaste for me in your mouth, but I’m trying to keep it real in the interest of hoping to help other mamas. Do yourself a favor and try your best to pull out of that funk as soon as you possibly can. Your kids deserve it, but so do you. And if you can’t do it yourself, seek help. Contact me if you have no one else to help you.

We have been VERY fortunate to have a few friends who have very intentionally been walking on this journey with us, literally day by day. They know there are many things they CAN’T help us with, but there are things they can do like coming over to spend a morning just carrying the burden with me, grabbing some groceries for us when they are shopping for themselves, bringing us dinner on a rough day, among other things. Having this help has been instrumental in helping me number one…remain sane and number two…pulling myself out of the yuck! So if you are not being offered this help, please ask someone for it!

Let me be clear, even through all of the trauma Bishop is experiencing (that which I will not discuss on the blog in detail) there really is nothing unlovable about him. He is funny and sweet and kind(when he wants to be). He is as deserving of my love as Gideon was from the beginning.

We have been a family for almost two months. Things are slowly changing. I have more patience for his challenging behavior. I find myself smiling at something he has done or just his pure cuteness. I talk more lovingly about him and the sweet and funny things he does. I want to be the last face he sees on his surgery day and the first face he sees when he wakes up. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I spend lots of time kissing him on his cute little cleft lips and hugging him and walking around with him strapped to me in the Ergo. We dance together and laugh together and act silly together.

We LOVE together.

And the best part is…

I’m not faking it anymore.

_______________________

Melissa has been married to her amazing husband, Ryan, for almost five years. In a story that only our faithful and incredible God could write, they were led to bringing home their two sons, Gideon (home since December 2012) and Bishop (home since February 2014), via China’s Special Needs Program. Melissa spends her days at home loving up her two boys. It is the most challenging thing she has ever done, but, without a doubt, the most rewarding. Melissa has a deep desire to share the TRUTH about adoption, good, bad and ugly with other adoptive mamas. She uses her blog, You Were Born In Our Hearts, to do just that. Go check it out!

April 30, 2014May 28, 2014

It’s nest building time

It’s that time of year again. The Sparrow Fund team is all abuzz because May means it’s time to build the nest. This May marks our 4th annual fundraiser which is what allows us to continue our work to support adoptive families through grants, support, and training as well as our new work in orphan care as we lead teams to serve at an orphanage in Shaanxi, China.

Building the nest for The Sparrow Fund isn’t an independent task; it takes a lot of people to build that nest so that we can help others as they build theirs through this thing called adoption. All the businesses linked up below have joined us by making a pretty big commitment to donate at least 10% of their total sales during the month of May to The Sparrow Fund so that we can continue to serve adoptive families in a significant way.

Visit their sites, shop with purpose and make that 10% something crazy. Then, after you do, come back and leave a comment here sharing who you purchased from and what you purchased. For every purchase you make, you get one entry to…

Pretty awesome, right?

*in order to to qualify for an entry to win, orders or purchases must be made within the month of May. Comment must include the name of the business and what you ordered. The winning entry will be chosen during the first week of June and announced on The Sparrow Fund Facebook page and Twitter feed.*

Jewelry Design

Art and Design

Home

Clothing & Accessories

Special Gifts

Services

Sponsors for Building the Nest

To get the nest started…

Sparrow Sponsor

Norman L. Graham, Inc.

Norman L. Graham, Inc. is a premier builder of custom homes and additions in South Central Pennsylvania. From design to construction, every Norman L. Graham project is built with care and careful attention to detail. What better partner to build the nest than a company who is all about nest building.

Other Sponsors

If you would like your store or business to be a part of this May fundraising event, please contact Kelly at The Sparrow Fund to be added to this post and future posts as part of this effort.

April 28, 2014April 28, 2014

Seasons Change

To every thing in life there is a season.
So cliché, right?
But really.

Life is about seasons.

Right now you and I are in a Season of Life.

There have been seasons of no sleep with feeding babies, tear-filled times of waiting for adoptions, days when my family was small and play dates with friends were plenteous.

Seasons when I felt lonely, the stressful times of potty training, the bittersweet moments of sending them to school, the shaking and trembling decision to homeschool.

I think of seasons when my life was slower, when I had to take time to nurse my baby and I had an excuse to hide away from the world.

Days before kids, when my hubby and I could make a midnight run to Sonic just because we wanted to, or take a spontaneous trip, or go on a date, and it affected no one.

I think you get the idea.

And I have found myself in seasons when I thought…
When God will this end??!!
AND
Please God don’t let this end??!!

Right now, you and I are in some of season of life, either one I mentioned above or maybe something unique to you.

But He is Faithful no matter what season we find ourselves.
And here is where I see my opportunity.

Whenever we are in a season we rarely have the perspective we need to appreciate the season that is taking place.

We can usually only see things to complain about.

But there will always be things to complain about.

Instead we should focus on truly reveling in the things we enjoy about the season we find ourselves.

Look around at the season you are in. If you don’t know what you enjoy, figure it out.

Your season will only last for just that, a season.

When it is gone you don’t want to regret that you focused on the negative things of that season so much you missed the good.

Then, when you look back, you can be fulfilled in knowing you took part in those moments and were present there, instead of getting caught up in regret or trying to recreate the past.

There are things in each season you just never get back.

But that’s ok, because you are living it.
And this season is all part of the beautiful tapestry God is weaving of your life.
You are you because of everyone of them.

____________________________________

Anna Lokey and her husband Shaun have four girls (one from China) and FINALLY a boy (also from China). She’s a normal mom, living a life for God, raising a family that does the same, homeschooling, and trying to keep up with everyone’s schedules. She says, “If I can get my kids to school and gymnastics on time and then fix a real meal for dinner, it’s been a good day!” You can read more about them and their anything but LoKEY life on her blog www.anythingbutlokey.com.

April 21, 2014April 22, 2014

what makes us really free

The mail came just as we were walking out the door, in it a surprise package for the girls. Tearing into the paper, they found crayons and coloring books and one precious item that Emma immediately grabbed. “I snuggle with this in the car,” she announced.

The 45 minute drive to a friend’s house was quiet as she admired her treasure. To a child whose life has afforded very little to call her own, anything given directly to her holds deep value.

We walked into the house where she was meeting our new-to-her friends and within minutes, I saw her place the treasure in her new friend’s hand and say, “This for you.” Less than an hour of ownership and she was already generously giving this treasure away to a stranger.

I’m embarrassed to admit that part of me wanted to jump to her rescue and assure her that she did not have to give anything away, but who wants to adjust that level of generosity? I say that I want a culture of generosity in our home, but I can learn so much from these girls.

Not two hours later, the little girls reappeared from their games and loom band bracelet creations, Emma carrying a tiny gold necklace and glowing like she was carrying the moon. One of her new friends had returned her generosity 10-fold.

And I had to wonder, what security do these little girls know that allows such radical (in their economy) giving? They give without second guessing, without wondering how it will be received or whether they might regret it tomorrow. Could it be that they have watched the goodness and regular provision of their parents and realized that no matter how much they give away, there is a steady stream of both calculated and extravagant goodness that flows their way?

No, she’ll probably never get a replica of that little popsicle stick flower that she loved and her friend will probably never get another bumble bee necklace exactly like the one she gave, but they have a child-like trust that they are loved and that whatever happens, the people who love them are working for their good. Even for the former orphans living in my home, empty is becoming less about fear and more about getting to watch Mommy fill the bowl again…and again.

And their mama who wanted to stop all this giving and just let them keep what was theirs? That’s because lack is scary to me these days. I wonder how I’ll provide for them financially and still find time for their hearts. I second guess a family trip and a birthday gift, wondering if what was given should have been saved instead. Of course there’s wisdom in saving, but this little note isn’t for the extravagant spenders. It’s for the savers, like me, who hold back what could easily be given and make that into a habit of holding onto everything.

Would my level of generosity be dramatically changed if I truly believed that God would provide everything I need –especially if I give it away? What would I freely give away if I truly believed that He would not allow me to suffer any level of lack that was outside of His loving plan for my good and my heart’s health?

Seeing Emma hand over her little trinket stirred up so much love in me and all I wanted to do in that moment was take her to Target and buy her all.the.things. I’m so grateful God allowed me to watch and feel the delight of a parent when their child truly rests in provision, so much so that giving becomes a complete joy and not a threat of lack.

Because when you’re truly trusting, not only do you feel secure in what you have, but also in what you give away.

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children,

how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”

(Matthew 7:11)

free printable download available here

**Yes, I know that so many are generous without any assurance of future provision. I want to be like them, too, but for today, my take-away is that I DO have a Father who promises to provide – not always in my timing or my plan, but always just the same.

________________________________________

Mandie Joy is a foster parent and mama of two beautiful little girls newly home from Africa. She blogs at www.seeingjoy.com.

April 14, 2014

Zo Ba! {Let’s Go!}

“We love the lovely because it is flattering to us to do so.God loves the unlovely, and it broke

His heart to do it. The depth of the love of God is revealed by that wonderful word, ‘whosoever.’The Bible reveals God to be the Lover of His enemies.” – Oswald Chambers

There’s no secret I have a favorite on this trip.
His smile and laugh grabbed me within the first 20 minutes of entering the orphanage.
This kid is a firecracker…wherever I am, he always seems to show up.
Outside with the older kids….he’s there….inside with the infants, he comes swaggering in for lunch….and comes right to me with arms UP.

Of course, as soon as I felt comfortable, I asked about his adoption status. I was told details that I can’t share publicly, but the fact is, this child will never be eligible for a family.

It is, in fact, impossible.

On day one of this trip blog, I said there were two ways that these kids would hear the Gospel.

One, by being adopted by families who live and shout Jesus with their lives.

Two, by people coming to them.

22 children of our orphanage are currently available for International adoption. Close to a dozen on top of those, are already matched and waiting for parents to come. They represent the first group.

He represents the second.

This kid.

He represents

millions.

147 million orphans worldwide in

Asia, Africa, Haiti, South America…. and only a

tiny

fraction are available for adoption.

Jesus said, in Matthew 25, “whatever you do for the least of these, you do it to me”

Today, I go to tickle one of the least of these.

I got to see him cry for the first time, and while the nannys ignored him, scooped him up and

rocked him, noticing he was patting his diaper area….he just needed to potty and didn’t want

to wet his pants…. Rushed him to a potty seat and the smiles returned.

I got to give him a sucker and watch as he didn’t bite it like most American kids do…

he licked it for 15 minutes till there wasn’t a grain of sugar left on the stick.

He doesn’t understand that Jesus loves him.

He’s still too young.

But he will one day. If people who say they love Jesus,

are willing to step outside their comfort zones,

eat some nasty food and travel around the world,

leave their families and their smells and all familiarity

and GO.

To the least of these.

And if the “least of these” to you means you tollerate

your neighbors kids,

you need to have this baby boy grab your cheeks and get as close to you

as he can…..HE is the least of these.

Luke 10:36-37
“Jesus asked, which of these three would you say was a neighbor to the man who was attacked? The man replied,
“the one who showed him mercy.”
Then Jesus said,
“Yes, GO now and DO the same.”

_______________________________________________________________

Emily and Jay have been married for 11 years and have 5 childen–Avery 8, Ally 6, Annalyse 4, Ashley 3, and (finally) our BOY, Asher 2. Ashley and Asher were adopted from China and were both special needs adoptions. Emily spends her days chasing toddlers and waiting in line at carpool. Her favorite place in the world is in her van, all alone with the worship music blaring! She would count it an honor to have you be encouraged at www.ourhimpossiblejourney.blogspot.com.

March 31, 2014

FROM ATTACHMENT DISORDER TO ATTACHMENT REORDERED

“I know it’s not THAT papaya…..but I still can’t bring myself to try it.”

Years ago, I used to love papaya…..
until that fateful afternoon in tropical Costa Rica, when eating a bad papaya made me so weakly dehydrated from food poisoning that I had to suffer the repeated humiliation of being carred to the commode by my new husband.

Even though that was over 30 years ago and I KNOW that today’s papaya is not THAT papaya, my stomach still turns in disinterest at the sight of one.

My papaya story has helped me understand how some of our children felt after having suffered great harm at the hands of their first parents; while we know and they know that we are not THOSE parents, the experience of fear and rejection and self-protection often seems woven into their very framework.

And all of these emotions often come to the surface during the teen years, when each of us has to work on figuring out who we are.

One particular day I was surprised to hear these words from my beautiful, outgoing, winsome,16 year-old, “Every day when I look in the mirror I always am wondering….”
“Wondering about what?” I asked.
“Wondering if she every thinks about me and remembers me and wonders how I am doing.”

The ‘she,’ of course, was her Russian mama, whom she had not seen since age 4 when she was taken away from her home by the authorities.

It was during this same time period that outbursts of rage would sometimes arise like an unpredictable thunder storm. I would hear things like,
“You are NOTHING to me! I am going to tear up those x*&$@# adoption papers and you will be NOTHING to me! NOTHING!”

I cried because I felt so deeply saddened and confused and desperate for some comfort from above, and for some wisdom and insight into the cause of such outbursts, and for some leading about how to respond in love.

Only later did I come to understand reflection. She was reflecting what she felt in that mirror: one feeling rejected naturally reflects rejection. And as the mama or daddy, at this moment we can choose to reflect rejection or distance or judgment or anger or disdain BACK to them, OR we can, instead, reflect Jesus’ unconditional and indestructible love to them.

In other words, we can respond out of who God is and not out of how we feel (read Ezekiel 20 in the Message!…you will see this 4 times!). When I think about reflecting who God is, I think of being gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

It is as if Jesus is ever whispering to us, “Copy me, not them.” It is what Paul says in Ephesians 1 “Be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love.”

I think of this as attachment reordered. God’s love helping me respond rather than react.

Allowing me to reflect Him, not them.

And with time, we are seeing they have this same attachment reordering that I do…..becoming secure in how much God loves them, in spite of the failures of even those they most expected love from.

So how did all this end up?

After years of rebellion, this same child tells me Sunday night, “Mom, you are the person I try to copy!”

Amazing grace….aaammmmaaazzzziiinggg grace!!!!

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Susan Hillis, PhD, MS- has been a believer for 38 years, married to a godly servant for 36, a mother for 27, a US government federal official for 20, and a university professor for 10 years. She is the mother of 11 children, 8 of whom were adopted from Russia after the tragic death of her first-born son on the day before his tenth birthday. It is her deep joy and privilege to have received untold personal blessings from the living God. She has worked and ministered in countries in South America, Africa, and Eastern Europe. She participates widely as an invited speaker at scientific and Christian conferences. She has published more than 80 articles in scientific medical journals and is considered one of the leading infectious diseases experts on the HIV risk among vulnerable youth around the world. Dr. Hillis is a recent recipient of the Outstanding Service Medal as a Captain in the U.S. Public Health Service.

During her married life she has worn many hats, including stay-at-home mom, graduate student, missionary, government official, nurse, scientist, and university professor. She has experienced infertility, caring for a son with a fatal heart condition, loss of her son through a fatal biking accident, and 8 international adoptions of older children from Russian orphanages. She, her husband, and their 10 children recently lost their home in the 2009 Atlanta floods, which were declared a presidential disaster. Her experience suggests that God’s goodness is bigger than all the storms of life.

You can read more of Susan’s encouragement at Hope at Home.

March 26, 2014March 25, 2014

His Plan.

Sometimes I stand and just stare at my children in disbelief. Sometimes I still almost can’t believe God chose us to parent them. After all the pain and distress of infertility, His plan rocked my world.

His beautiful, amazing, precious children, entrusted to us.

I think again about the agony their birth parents must have felt as they walked away from those sweet little babes, never to look back.

I think again about things they experienced that we will never know about.

I think about the time in their precious lives that we missed.

I think about my anguish and distress and that all consuming desire I had to have a child.

But through all this God had a plan.

He patiently waited for us to seek Him. He wanted us to stop focusing on our problems and to turn our eyes to Him.

THEN He showed us His plan.

A plan for our lives and a plan for their lives.

A plan that was and still is far beyond our understanding or comprehension.

A plan I am living day after day.

So when uncertainty surrounds us in our lives as is so apt to happen, what do we do?

Do we turn our eyes to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith?

Are you ready for HIS PLAN?

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After struggling with infertility for 5 years, God led Suzanne and her husband, Adam, to His Plan A for their lives—adoption! Their daughter, Grace Lihua, came into their lives May 2011 on Mother’s Day from Fuzhou City, Fujian Province, China. And, their son, Anthony Jianyou, joined their family in January 2013 from Shanghai. After a career in politics, Suzanne now works as a Pilates instructor and teacher trainer while home schooling their children, writing and working as a part of the Sparrow Fund Blog leadership team. You can follow their adoption journey and life on her blog, Surpassing
Greatness.

March 24, 2014

What Was I Thinking?

It may seem a bit odd, but I love to take pictures of my girls sleeping. Besides the fact that they all seem so sweet as they peacefully sleep, I often find myself marveling at the fact that they are even here. These children, gifted by God, were desperately prayed for, cried over, and pursued. There were many years of uncertainty that they would ever fill this room, these beds. And yet, here they are!

Away from the hustle and bustle of the day-to-day chaos of raising three girls so close in age, watching them sleep is also a time when I think back over what it took to get them here. And while there is mostly just amazement when I think of what God did, I’m surprised by how often recounting their story brings up almost a sense of fear in me. Miss L’s story in particular brings thoughts of I can’t believe God did that and I followed! That is so unlike me! I must have been crazy, because that is something I would never do! What in the world was I thinking…

…saying yes to doing an independent international adoption?

…saying yes to adopting from a country that has only done 6 foreign adoptions in the last 7 years?

…being our own travel agent and navigating travel requirements in Bhutan and India?

…taking the risk that the US Consulate wouldn’t issue her a US visa?

…piecing together what hoops to jump through without an agency’s help?

…riding in a taxi by myself to the Consulate in New Delhi?

Seriously, I was crazy!

But what I’m finding is that just like God is in the business of giving grace for the day, I also believe He gives us bravery when it is necessary. Looking back it is easy to see reasons to be terrified, and while I certainly had a sense of fear at the time of her adoption, I had a greater sense of God calling us to it that overcame my own hesitations.

One of my favorite verses is Habakkuk 3:17-19. (Amplified)

Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, [though] the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls,

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation!

The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!

Throughout the longing and yearning phases of building our family, I drew comfort in the first two verses. Though I didn’t yet have what I desperately wanted, I was determined to rejoice in the Lord. My focus was on the word yet.

But in these hurried days of raising these girls who have remarkable God-stories, I find myself drawn to the last verse. Looking back in amazement at how God brought them to us and how He chose to use me in the process, and I am more convinced than ever that He was my personal bravery.

In circumstances that today would make me say no way, He gave me the strength and desire at that moment to move forward.

In situations that today would make me say that is too risky, He gave me the courage in those days to press on.

So today, when I am faced with parenting challenges that seem to great for me, may I lean on Him to give me the strength, courage, and wisdom necessary to press on.

He was my personal bravery in the amazing circumstances of Miss L’s adoption, may He be so again today. __________________________________________

18 years in the classroom as a teacher was easy compared to parenting three little ones at home full-time. Through their three daughters, God has revealed Himself most clearly to Stephanie and her husband Matthew. He not only worked a miracle in giving them their biological daughter, He continued to show Himself in mighty ways throughout adoption journeys in China and Bhutan that were anything but normal. Nowadays she enjoys encouraging and connecting with other adoptive families through her work on the leadership team of “We Are Grafted In”. You can read more about their family on their personal blog We Are Family.