Category: Handling Questions With Grace

Our response to others around us

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I Don’t Want My Children To Be Happy

Dear children,

Recently we were told by people whom we love and respect why they oppose our plans to adopt. One of the reasons given was that we would not be able to pay for your college education.

It’s true.

You all have college funds – college funds which recently took a terrible hit – but “they” say that by the time you’re 18, college will cost anywhere between $200,000 to half a million dollars each. You might as well know now, we won’t be covering that. I’m telling you now, babies.

The people said that the day would come when you would look at us with resentment because you had to apply for school loans while many of your friends got a free ride from their parents.

Maybe you will. Maybe you’ll resent us. I really hope not. But maybe I should tell y’all now why your dad and I have decided to do what we are doing.

I know you’re going to think I am going off topic (I do that a lot) but several years ago I saw a story on a TV show about how the latest trend was for parents to give their daughters boob jobs for high school graduation (I don’t know what they gave their sons.) When interviewing one of the moms, she said, “I just want my daughter to be happy.” And as I tossed a throw pillow at the television, this really huge thought occurred to me:

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Grace

Responding with grace is hard, but lately that is what I have felt in my heart. I was reading an adoption blog, and there was a small sentence about extending grace to people around us. That stuck in my mind as I thought about some difficult conversations I have had with a family member. She does not understand our adoption and is rather vocal about it in family situations. My instant reaction was to defend my position, defend my family, and argue my way through the conversation. I have tried to have private conversations explaining our journey, all the way God has provided and orchestrated every single detail. I thought, if I just explained it eloquently enough, she would see that something beautiful is transpiring and she would join in our excitement. Well, that didn’t happen no matter what my strategy was.

Then, I decided to respond with grace. When a hurtful comment was made, instead of feeling righteous, I responded with grace and kindness. When she did not ask questions about the status of our adoption, instead of feeling hurt, I enjoyed her company as it was. When a funny story from our trip to Ghana came to mind, instead of forcing her to listen to it, I shared it with someone else. Grace. Grace. Grace. I can’t say that it was easy. My lip was bloody from all the times I bit it to prevent my mouth from responding in anger and hatred. I practiced deep breathing to lower my blood pressure as it began to rise.It was a constant effort to overcome my own sin in the responses I gave.

As the dynamic of our relationship began to shift, I realized that responding with grace was just as much for me as it was for her. Slowly, the tension began to melt, my guard came down and I relaxed again in her company. Trust was being built and conversations have honesty behind them. True reasons for this hesitancy to support us became clearer and progress was made. Once I was able to extend grace, she responded with honesty. This would have not happened with my typical response.

A few weeks ago, we realized that in order to afford the final part of our adoption, we would need to raise funds. As we were praying about our options, this same family member called and offered to help. She is now fervently advocating on our children’s behalf, and I can see that God is using this situation to foster healing.

I know there must be others struggling with someone less than enthusiastic about something in their lives. It could be because of an adoption or any life situation that God has called them to that is “out of the comfort zone” for most people. What is the response that we should have? What yields the desired result? For me, it has been grace. Over and over and over again.

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Jenni is first and foremost a daughter of our Heavenly Father. She has been married for 16 years to Eric. Together, they have a daughter Emmi (12), Jakob (6), and recently received news that their Visa interview in Ghana will be at the end of this month so they can become parents to Kofi (6) and Agyeiwaa (3). Jenni’s prayer is to have all her children under one roof soon. Jenni began her adoption process a year ago when God broke her heart for the fatherless. Jenni writes a blog about their adoption journey.

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What Just Happened?

Where do I start? What do I say?

We are at home, without Maggie, trying to figure out what happened, how it happened and why it happened. But mostly, WHAT happened.

The last couple of days have been confusing. Confusing because we are not sure whether to cry or laugh. So we do both. Lots of both. Lots of crying. Lots of laughing. And lots of questioning.

I wasn’t sure if I would continue to write our adoption story down….not sure if anyone was really ready to hear the truth. Or rather, I wondered if anyone was interested in hearing the truth.

We Americans like everything to be neatly packaged and tied with a bow. We like to believe in a prosperity doctrine that says if we claim it or if we believe it…everything works out for the best. We don’t like to believe that there is really evil and suffering in this world outside of punishment.

The comments made by well-meaning friends, neighbors or perfect strangers during a crisis can be quite comical. My favorite so far is this: “well, you just have to trust that the baby is better off with her mother.”

Woa, Nellie…don’t get me started on what is wrong with that statement. What theology do you believe in? What rock have you been living under? What God do you believe in?

This adoption failed not because that is what is best for the baby. It failed because we live in a broken world. Because life is not fair. You see…God can make good come from anything he chooses, but I don’t believe everything happens in this world as it should. That’s ridiculous. God did not desire there to be dishonesty, betrayal, selfishness, nor pain…to name a few.

I wish I could sweep the last 6 months under a rug and forget that it ever happened. Sometimes it seems easier to live in na-na land…to blindly accept the outcome and not look back.

But God reminded me that that is not how I roll…nor is it what HE wants. So after much arguing and wrestling (I don’t tend to win against God but it’s not for lack of trying), I decided to work through all the emotions, questions and facts of the past week.

I will fan into the flame the only real gift HE has given me…and that is my ability to write honestly about my own personal experience.

So hang on tight…the next week could be quite ugly. But I trust in the end, when my fingers are exhauseted from furious typing…that I will see HIM revealed.

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Sharee Morris is a wife, mother, follower of the Most High King, dessert junkie, dog loving, adventure seeking normal gal. She lives in Texas with her husband Chip and daughter Sydney. In her former life (pre-kid), Sharee was a broadcast journalism drop-out turned event planner and fundraiser. She even taught elementary school for a few years in hopes of building a perfect career to maintain while having kids. Sharee had everything planned out

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When Wisdom Ends

The Bible has a lot to say about wisdom. A keyword search for “wisdom” produces 219 results. I’m a planner, and also a bit of a perfectionist, so the admonition in Luke 14:28-30 about estimating the cost BEFORE building has always struck a warning chord in me.

But, as Trent and I delve deeper into this adoption journey, I’m also confronted with the question: Where does wisdom end and faith versus fear begin? Because from a pragmatic viewpoint, international adoption doesn’t seem especially wise.

Sam is 13, a great kid, and, to be honest, parenting an only child has a lot of perks. Adding another child through international adoption will create some stress:

  1. Financially — adoption fees plus the cost of raising and schooling another child
  2. emotionally — attachment issues and parenting in general can wreak havok in families
  3. physically — twenty plus hours of travel time just to GET to Lesotho, plus the threat of illness and injury along the way

It’s no wonder well-meaning friends have asked, “Um, are you sure?”

So where’s the line between wisdom and faith versus fear? We confront this same question about our mission trip to Tijuana. This year, we promoted the mission trip to the Christian school where I work. Not a lot of takers, to be honest. What I got instead where a lot of rebukes. “Haven’t you heard that Mexico is NOT SAFE?” “It is irresponsible of you to promote a service trip to MEXICO! Are you foolish?” No matter that we’ve been to Tijuana five years running, are in regular contact with those who live every day in Tijuana, and our critics’ only knowledge of Mexico is what they’ve heard on the news (which happens to be focused on another part of the country completely).

Sometimes, we must step forward with action that seems to defy wisdom. Adoption. Mission trips. Service. Charitable giving. Heck, even venturing out in a thunderstorm to go to church. When wisdom ends, our only decision is whether we will venture forth in faith…or stay home in fear.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.

1 Cor. 1:25

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The Nitty Gritty of Adoption

When we first announced our plans to adopt, many (though not all) of the responses we received were…shall we say…less than ecstatic. We weren’t expecting the same thrills and cheers that people receive when they announce when they’re pregnant. But, when sharing something that has begun to consume your heart receives a negative response, it stings a little bit.

This pic was our initial announcement.

To those who have never thought about adoption and have only been educated about it through the nightly news, it can be a foreign concept that stirs up feelings of risk, danger, impracticality, and fear. Why would you adopt when you can have biological children of your own? What if your adopted child is mean to your biological child? Why would you put your family at risk for something difficult when your life is so easy right now? You’re adopting from Africa, does your adopted child have a communicable illness? Are you sure having an interracial family is a good idea? (Just look at a current family picture for the answer to that one.) How can you love an adopted child the same as a biological child? You

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“We’re Adopting!”

This week alone, I connected with two families actively fundraising for their first adoptions and two families who just announced they are adopting for the first time and adopting again. I have the joy of hearing a lot of

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Questions, Questions, Questions…

“My first momma couldn’t care for me? Why?”

“Will I see my China momma in heaven?”

“Do you think I have a brother or sister in China?”

“Can I write her a letter?”

“I guess it is kinda cool to know I have three mommies.”

“Will I ever meet her?”

“Did I use a pacifier?”

“What was my first word?”

“Was I a cute baby?”

“Do you think she misses me?”

“Is it because of my cleft palate?”

“Why couldn’t I grow in your tummy?”

*Deep breath.*

These are all questions that Shea and Avery have asked me over the past several years. At first, the questions literally took my breath away.

Especially the first one.

I was so unprepared.

Shea was only three and a half when she asked me why her first momma couldn’t care for her.

It was utterly heartbreaking…

We were reading Shaoey And Dot: Bug Meets Bundle

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