During the seemingly endless & excruciating 18 month wait for our Joshua to come home from a Ugandan orphanage, there were so many times when I felt forgotten by my Heavenly Father.
Disruption
I cannot remember exactly when I was following her blog. We were either waiting to travel for Joy, or had just returned home with Joy. Whenever it was, I do remember not understanding why this woman would travel all the way to the other side of world to adopt a little boy, but change her mind once she met him. She never detailed her reasons, but people on the adoption forums made their assumptions. I admit that I, too, passed judgment on this lady, albeit quietly, not on forums. But that was before.
Disruption is a dirty word in the adoption community. Opinions are very strong on this topic. Many adoptive moms say that they would never even consider a disruption. And, I have to admit that it never once crossed our minds. When we started the adoption of Yang in 2008, we knew that she had a variety of delays. But, I also believed we could work through them. I did a lot of research and reading preparing myself for this adoption. While doing the paperwork, waiting, and doing more paperwork, I never once considered that we would not bring Yang home with us. Never. We were prepared.
We traveled in 2009 and met Yang in Nanchang. She looked just like her pictures with the happiest smile on her 8 or 9 year old face. Her delays terrified me. I thought I was prepared, but hindsight, no amount of reading could have prepared me for the face to face reality of the disabilities. I filled out paperwork, but could not rid myself of this gnawing feeling in my gut, this fear. We were her parents briefly. My husband and I talked, cried, prayed all night long as I watched this beautiful child sleep. Without going into details, we knew that Yang’s needs were so great. We had to make a decision for our family as a whole, not just what I wanted. We had 5 other children back home to consider, each that would be impacted greatly in one way or another. We chose not to continue the adoption. Shortly thereafter, the emails and comments came.The adoption forums started their discussions and judgments about our decision, all without even knowing what was happening in our lives.
It was not an easy decision. I never thought I would be in this situation…having to make this choice. We once had to make a decision about removing our child from life support. We could see our daughter deteriorating before our eyes, but we didn’t want to accept it. We knew we were prolonging the inevitable, unless God intervened. With both decisions came grief and the loss of a child. The feelings were the same.
One lady on a particular forum stated that those who choose to disrupt are not “good human beings”. Another stated it was just a wrong decision to disrupt. These are both judgmental attitudes. No one knows what a family is experiencing. No one knows their financial or emotional situation. A serious, unexpected special need could be detrimental to a family financially. No one knows what is happening with the other children in the home. One child at home could be resentful of the new sibling that takes mom or dad away many days a week for various therapies. Everyone has to make a decision based on what is best for their families at that particular time. If Yang had been our first or second child, I’m sure the outcome would have been very different.
With China special needs adoptions becoming more common than non-special needs, there may be more disruptions. My hope is that the adoption community would be one of support and not one that tears down. If you’ve never disrupted, you cannot understand what a family is going through. It would be like comforting a mother who just lost her child by saying, “I know how you feel. Our child ALMOST died.” I’ve heard people’s “almost disruption” stories numerous times. It is not the same.
I’ve learned never to say “never”. You may say you know in your heart you would never disrupt. I’m glad. I hope you are never put to the test. I’ve learned that I have limits and am not perfect. It is very humbling to leave China without your child.
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Cheri lives in Virginia with her husband, Mike, of 23 years. They have 3 biological children, ages 20, 16, and 11. After struggling with many pregnancy losses, they felt God was calling them to adopt a little girl from China. Upon returning home from their trip in 2006 to adopt Eva, they became more aware of the need of orphans. They traveled to China again in 2007 to adopt Joy. Always having the older children on her heart, but feeling incapable, Cheri felt an older child was in their future for adoption. In February 2010, Cheri traveled alone to Guangdong, China to adopt 7-year-old Ivy. Cheri started blogging to share her travels to China with friends and family but has also enjoyed sharing the ups and downs of adoption and family life.
No Debate
This post has been being written over and over again in my brain several times over the last few months. Last night I couldn’t sleep at all over it, so it’s time to get it out and put it to rest so I can get some rest! Way to often recently, an ugly debate has been raising its head on social network sites and quite honestly, I believe it grieves the Lord, and fuels the enemy’s fire to steal kill and destroy.
Domestic Adoption
vs.
International Adoption
If you have sensitive toes, you may want to stop reading about now. Because some things just need to be said.
First of all:
This is an argument we should NOT be having.
Disunity in the Body of Christ is a disgrace to the Lord. John 17:23 says that by our unity, the world will know that we are Christians and they would know how much we love people. Ephesians 4:13 says that unity is a sign of maturity. We are immature believers if we are arguing over this issue. We are NOT showing the world Jesus and we are NOT showing the world how much He loves them. If you want to talk to a family about their motivations behind one or the other, do it in private. I am 100% willing to bet that you will come to complete understand about their reasoning. At the end of the day, this argument only brings DISTRACTION from the real issue….every child deserves a family. And the enemy is having a party if he can take the focus off these children, and onto one another and ridiculous arguing.
Second:
No one child is more deserving than another.
I have worked for an adoption agency for 5 years now. The first three were spent in the domestic program. Over the course of that 3 years, I got to be in the delivery room 32 times to welcome precious children into this world. I took custody of 32 babies and handed over the majority of those tiny, squirming infants into the arms of adoptive mamas and daddies. I helped new parents figure out infant car seats and walked sobbing birth mothers out of the hospital and drove them home. Often times, the birth mom didn’t want to see the newborn. I spent many hours, in empty L&D rooms, with fresh newborns, rocking and praying over them, assuring them that they had a family coming. And they always did. More often than not, I was in tears as well just watching the process.
Those babies are just as orphaned as the ones in China. They are no more deserving of a family……and to say, “why go overseas when you can adopt right here in your neighborhood” is a very western, selfish, american, ugly, thing to say.
NO one child is more deserving than another.
NOT. ONE.
I dare you to look at my children and say that they were less deserving because they were born in China. I bet not one person who has made that statement above would believe that if they spent one hour with my kids. Adoption is a picture of the very gospel….and to say one person is more deserving than another is a slap in the face to our call to care for the orphan. People who make this debate would never comment on a missionaries post and say, “why are you going to serve overseas when there are people right here who need Jesus?” Doesn’t that sound absurd? It sounds just as absurd when you ask it of the orphan.
Third:
Families go where God calls them.
Why did we adopt from China?
We had children there.
The Lord made that crystal clear.
We would’ve gone to China, Africa, Arkansas, or the North Pole if the Lord had asked us to. The Lord calls us the Body of Christ….we each have a function. If we were all called to the same place and the same thing, the world would be boring and lots would go undone. If we were all called to care for China’s orphans, the rest would go unnoticed. When families call me and ask about the process, the first thing I say, every single time, is “pray about WHERE.” Then call me back when God tells you, and we’ll move forward. Praise the Lord we are all called to different places!!! We get to be His hands and feet right here in our backyards and overseas!!! That ought to make us rejoice, not debate!!
Lastly:
Be respectful and prayerful.
People need Jesus. Children need families. Families need children. Before you take a stab at an adoptive parents motivation, consider what YOU might do. If you look around and you aren’t doing a thing, please keep your opinions to yourself. Adoptive parenting is HARD ENOUGH. Adoption brings baggage. Even to a two day old infant. It’s a lifetime process and is a beautiful thing. It’s a good hard. Instead of debating, we should be praying for one another. Asking the Lord what we can do. Holding the hand of a broken mama who’s birth mom has changed her mind, and the baby has to go back. Bringing dinner to the family who just came home from two weeks overseas and can’t get their days and nights turned back around. Serve one another! (1 Peter 4:10)
Toes ok?
Put it to rest, friends. Give it up. Let it go. If you are called to this road, celebrate it with one another. It will change you…….and it’s not a glamorous life. Adoption changes the way you see the Lord, changes your checkbook and how you spend your money, and gives you a burden that some days is all consuming. If you haven’t been on this road, respectfully keep your opinions to yourself. Be the Body of Christ that we are called to be to one another and to a dying world that needs Jesus like nobody’s business. And if we are going to fight over something, let it be:
Philippians 1:27
Above all, you must live as citizens of heaven, conducting yourselves in a manner worthy of the Good News about Christ. Then, whether I come and see you again or only hear about you, I will know that you are standing together with one spirit and one purpose, fighting together for the faith, which is the Good News.
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- Emily and Jay have been married for 11 years and have 5 childen–Avery 8, Ally 6, Annalyse 4, Ashley 3, and (finally) our BOY, Asher 2. Ashley and Asher were adopted from China and were both special needs adoptions. Jay is an associate pastor at Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, GA, and Emily spends her days chasing toddlers and waiting in line at carpool. Her favorite place in the world is in her van, all alone with the worship music blaring! She would count it an honor to have you be encouraged at
How Dare I Not?
My mother has a friend, an elderly man, who was preparing to go on a cruise. This first required a flight and before leaving for the airport the man, knowing that he might be walking on some uneven territory, grabbed an old cane, a walking stick that had belonged to his grandfather. It had sat in the corner, used only occasionally.
The man and his traveling companions stood in line for security at the airport. They noticed that those to whom they had entrusted to keep them safe were eying his cane very carefully, examining it from every angle. Suddenly, to the extreme surprise of the gentleman, the agent pulled on the cane and out whisked a very long, very sharp sword.
Chaos ensued. The travelers were rushed away, interrogated, but fortunately were deemed harmless and allowed to travel, sans the antique threat to national security.
It’s been dry around here lately. My heart, I mean. My spirit is parched.
Last November I spoke at a retreat on the extremely weighty issue of how God uses our suffering for His glory. I believed that God had called me to tackle this topic but the stress of it was overwhelming. After reading every book I could find on suffering, listening to every podcast, and pouring over every bible verse, and trying not to throw up in between sessions, I was drained. I had immersed myself in the Word for weeks and when it was all over, my sin nature immediately said “No more! Bring on the chick lit! DVR up the drivel! I need a break from all things deep and godly!”
It’s disgusting, actually.
About this same time, I discovered things about the adoption industry in Ethiopia that ushered in more nausea. Overwhelmed by information and confronted by the shocking ugliness of sin, plus accepting that bringing our daughter home is probably not on God’s agenda for 2012 caused my spirit to withdraw even more. Am I angry at God? I don’t think so. Am I jaded and cynical? More than ever before. Am I in despair? Yes.
Throw in the all the other worldly diversions and my bible has sat neglected for weeks.
My soul almost recoils at the thought of reading it. My short prayers consist mainly of, “I’m really sorry God. Thank you for loving me anyway.”
Oh wretched woman that I am! Who shall deliver me from this body of death?
Fear Not
I often think of the foster children who have passed through our home.
Ramblings From a Selfish Jerk
It is funny what people say when we are talking, and it is amazing what funnies we can miss if we don’t actually stop and pay attention to what is being said. I’ve documented a few conversations I’ve had at work over the past little while, and have reprinted them here in exacting detail.*
Little Bing in the middle – our newest just turned 3
after being in Canada for only 6 weeks!
… flashback a few months ago…
Coworker: So, are you going to tell Ping that she is adopted?
Me: *blink* *blink*
Coworker: What?
Me: You know I’m not REALLY Chinese right? I only pretend to me.
Coworker: Huh?
*awkward silence*
Coworker: AAAaaah! Wait! You are white!
Me: Yea.
Coworker: And she is Chinese!
Me: Yea.
Coworker: So I guess you’re gonna tell her then?
Me: Well, I’m gonna try to hide it for as long as I can, but I think eventually she will figure it out.
… flashback a couple months ago…
Coworker: You’re wife doesn’t work, right?
Me: Well, I don’t know. Depends on how you define work. If you mean, dose she work from 8am to 5pm, get a benefits package, a decent wage, time off, the respect of coworkers, and satisfaction from a job well done… then no. But, if you are asking is she busy from dawn till dusk, 24 hours a day, with no pay, no thanks, and a never ending to do list…then yes.
Coworker: Wow. Uh, what does she do?
Me: Stays home with the 5 children.
Coworker: Oh, so she DOESN’T work.
Me: *blink* *blink* Yea, she does nothing all day.
… flashback a few weeks ago…
Coworker: Hey, you speak Chinese!
Me: Yea.
Coworker: So, is your wife Chinese?
Me: Uhhhh, no.
Coworker: Why then?
Me: Um, because her parents were English? (Now, in her defense, the question in Chinese made perfect sense, as in “why [do you speak Chinese] then”, I was just being a smart … )
… flashback a few days ago…
Coworker: So, 5 kids now right?
Me: *snoork* Whaaaaaza, some … one talking… *zzZZZzzz*
Coworker: Right, 5 kids I get it. So you gonna have any more?
Me: WHAT?! 6?! Are you crazy!
Coworker: No, but apparently you are! 5 kids!
Me: Oh right, well, yea… maybe.
… flashback to a couple days ago…
Coworker: So, why did you adopt?
Me: Oh, it was an accident. My wife and I were up a little late, had a little too much wine, and before you knew it, we had filled out 27 copies of paperwork for international adoption.
Coworker: I mean, you can have your own kids, why adopt? Is it your faith?
Me: Well, yes… and no. I mean, it is. There is something in the Bible about caring for the widows and orphans. However, that is not why we adopted. It would be easy to say that and sound all noble and righteous, but in all honesty, I choose to adopt because I’m a selfish jerk.
Coworker: Wha?! Oh no, you are not selfish!
Me: Oh, but I am. If I really wanted to help care for the orphans, than I should have taken the thousands of dollars this international adoption cost and built a new orphanage in Africa! I could have drilled two wells in an Kenyan village, installed a grain feed system for cattle, purchased 4 acres of land for sustainable farming, and supplied a means of food for over 30 children and all their generations to come. But instead, I was selfish. We wanted another child, and we adopted. I only managed to help 2 children so far. What a waste of resources, I know. We could have taken care of TWO Kenyan villages and all their orphans. If we built the wells, the grain feeders, and the farms, then maybe those children would not have had to have been orphans! Who knows. So was it my faith that made me adopt? I would rather say my faith made me capable to love all people, and in that, I had a desire to love a child into our family. Was that the perfect or correct expression of my faith? Well, that is a different matter.
Coworker: … so, it was your faith then?
See yea, there you go. I’m a selfish jerk. I mean, when God said to help the widows and the orphans, I though I was answering the call through adoption. But in the end, I was really only helping a couple of kids. If I really wanted to help orphans, I should/could have taken the thousands of dollars it costs to adopt internationally and built schools, farms, and orphanages in parts of the world where they are very needed. For example, check this place out; see what wonderful work they are doing! The UN even had a World Farm Day at their farm 2 years ago, setting youfeedthem as the example for all sustainable farms to follow.
Yet, Silas and Kimberly (the couple who head up youfeedthem) are NOT being stopped on the streets by strangers going “oh look at you, you are doing such a wonderful thing.” Yet, they are helping hundreds of orphans everyday. I only helped 2. I suck at this helping orphans thing!!!
So, what, as a Christian, in response to our “faith,” are we to do for the orphans and widows?
If you are called to adopt, great. Adopt! But if you are NOT called to adopt, there are still so many many things you can do to help the 147 MILLION children who are in need!
Do not sit idly by and say “Well, we’re not called to adopt, so we can’t help the orphans.” And, at the same time, don’t say “I’m helping the orphans by adopting!”
I’m a selfish jerk. I hope to fix this in the future as I am in the process of setting up a monthly donation to Youfeedthem so I can actually get around to “helping some orphans” like people think I do.
* What I find so awesome about blogging is that in all the 360+ posts, not once have any of the stories I’ve told resulted in the comments section being filled with people in the stories clarifying the happenings. For example, when I blogged about the wife and her “mafia accidents,” not one of her friends commented with “I can not see your Wife doing that crazy thing you have described!” Nope, normally the comments are filled with “I can totally see your Wife doing that!” which means, as unbelievable as some of these stores are, they are really quite factual and accurate. Keep that in mind next time you are laughing through them thinking “Oh the Yeti MUST be exaggerating!” And I’m picking on my wife there for example only…the stories with my coworkers are just as accurate as any one of them who reads the blog would correct me if I were speaking out of turn.
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Adrian and Roberta have been married for over 13 years. They
Lucky?
I’ve spent the better part of every day for the past week stalking my friends in China.
I’ve watched Gotcha Day come and go. Watched orphanage visits come and go. And watched as my friends try to help their little ones go through this very traumatic time.
I go from happy for these little loves and the future they NOW HAVE in front of them.
The future that up until three days ago was dark, at best.
But, now their lives have taken a 180 degree turn and have future that now holds MUCH promise.
But, then I have cried. Ugly cries. Tears streaming, hardly able to catch my breath, type of cries.
When I see the pictures of these sweet little loves who are so hurting so deeply.
They are scared.
They are confused.
They are grieving the loss of their loved ones, their nannies.
I can HEAR in my head the cry of a little four year old adopted on the same day as Grace… it was the deepest gut level scream you can imagine. I will never forget that sound. As his nannies walked out of the building. Oh man. I remember it like it was yesterday.
You see, these children didn’t ask for this. They didn’t ask for a family. They don’t even know what a family is.
We think we know that this is better for them. It is. There are no doubts about that. A life in a an orphanage is NOT a life for any child.
But, adoption is routed in deep and profound loss. Several losses in fact.
and GRIEF.
Grief for everything that has been lost to them.
It is absolutely heart wrenching to watch. To experience.
It is these days that I hate adoption. I hate that this children have to suffer through this. NO CHILD should have to experience this pain.
So, when someone says Grace is “lucky”… I want to scream.
I mean, I know a compliment is being paid, they are merely commenting that she is lucky she now has a family. And maybe they are trying to say that we are “good family”.
But LUCKY? ACK!
Hardly.
Grace and others that have come through this journey before her and those that have come after her…. they have suffered more than any child should have to suffer. They have experienced loss like no child should. They have experienced profound pain.
So, next time you want to say the word “lucky” in terms of adoption . . . give it a quick thought. Maybe there is a better way to say what you mean to say.
and certainly, don’t ever. ever. ever. tell one of these children they are lucky. Because, they might not feel so lucky. and saying it to them might make them feel like they SHOULD feel lucky, and that is just unfair.
My thoughts.
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Deb has been married to her husband, Steve, for 10 years. They have been blessed with four children, ages 9, 6, 4, and 1. The littlest is from Henan Province, China and joined their family in February 2011. You can follow their ups, downs, giggles, tears, and chaos of their family, now a full family of 6,
I was adopted too!
I’m sitting in the play area at Chick-fil-a and the kids are climbing, running and playing. A girl of about eight walks up to me and points to Emma.
“Was she adopted?”
I was a little surprised. Most people just assume my African-American daughter is adopted. But of course, eight year olds don’t assume. They ask.
It also struck me that she used the past tense. The few adults who ask usually say “is she adopted” as if the act of adoption is a status (like “I’m American” or “I’m married”) instead of an event that happened (like “I was born”).
“She was adopted,” I replied.
The little girl beamed.
“I was adopted, too,” she said.
I blinked back surprise again. A moment I had thought was about my unusual looking Korean-Ethiopian-American family was actually not about us at all.
Instead, it was a moment of affirmation for this precious eight-year-old girl, who knows that a piece of her history is different from many of her friends, but caught a glimpse that told her it was normal. Good. Positive. Accepted.
I smiled back at her. “That’s very special. I’m sure your mom and dad are so happy you are their daughter, just like me with my Emma.”
“They are,” she said. “They are.”
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Aaron Klein and his wife, Cacey, are the adoptive parents of two beautiful kids: Spencer, who was born in South Korea, and Emma, who was born in Ethiopia. The Kleins serve on the board for Lifesong Ethiopia and advocate for adopting, fostering and caring for orphans in their community. In his spare time, Aaron is CEO at Riskalyze, a technology startup changing how we make investing decisions.
We Need Prayer
Three blog drafts later, I am giving an update. But it might be shorter than those three and perhaps a bit sweeter too.
We need prayer.
I got a phone call today from their preschool. I was asked to come get one of the twins.
The same twin who missed preschool yesterday, and all last week, and once or twice a week since their first week.
They are defiant, rebellious, deceitful and disruptive….Over the last 22 months, I’ve watched some people favor this struggling twin, and I know that that is not helpful. Our children – both of them – should never feel like they are or aren’t on the end of favor from someone – against their own twin or a peer. They need to understand that winning people’s attention is not a result of sympathy, but an outcome of their right spirit. Yes – I want people to love my children, and to understand them. But not pity. I definitely don’t want them seeking out that same pity when they are older, because the world has little time for adults on the victim train. And it certainly is not biblical to go about life believing the world owes us something grand.
This child has struggled a lot these last 3 weeks, and it has gotten much worse this week. We have been careful to exercise grace to them, since God is quick to give it to us. Yet, today, we saw how perhaps we were possibly enabling them to continue even further down their path to wrong choices. Perhaps, sometimes the grace was being given out of pity. If you’re a parent, you know! Seeing your child saddened to be held accountable is awful. I hate it! We are learning. But apparently even we – their own parents – tip the scale and pity them too much to their detriment. Their flippancy about their own bad behavior is almost scary. Yesterday, they were asked if they obeyed their preschool teachers on Tuesday, to which they replied, “NOPE!” very casually. Almost giggling. Argh. I thought my schpeel about respect and rebellion towards authority was being listened to.
Apparently it took 3 adults 5 minutes of struggle to calm them down for a little time out. And one of the teacher’s got hives because it upset her so much.
They have been confronted a LOT of late with Biblical truths about rebellion. Andrew and I are striving to communicate Truth to them. They have been clearly given an explanation of authority. The whole reason we want them to do preschool is because they do not respect other adults. If they don’t learn this, we are in for serious issues in kindergarten.
Anyway, I’m not here to defend our decision to do preschool. We absolutely believe it will be extremely helpful for them to learn to respect other adults. Apparently we were RIGHT ON with that being an area they had to grow in because now we can see how far they still have to go.
We have spent a lot of time in prayer over that child (to make me concerned we aren’t praying for the other one as much as we should!), and we have been quoting several scripture verses to them. And talking about how pleased S*tan is when they rebel, or lose their temper or whatever. How much he hates them. How happy he is that they are in trouble.
Then we have explained how Jesus loved THEM SO MUCH that HE DIED on a cross for their sins. How He is grieved when they do wrong. And despite it all, He loves them very much.
This decision to start bringing it home in this way could very well be the reason they are under so much attack. NOT PRESCHOOL. NOT BEING AWAY FROM ME FOR 2 1/2 HOURS. NOT NEW FAMILY MEMBERS. NOT THEIR BACKGROUND. NOT THE TIME OF YEAR. NOT SOME PSYCHOLOGICAL JUNK GOING ON IN THEIR HEAD. Though those things have weight in describing who they are, IT REALLY SEEMS TO BE A SPIRITUAL STRUGGLE. WE ARE IN A WAR ZONE.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PRAY for US AND FOR THEM. We will NOT hold back from sharing the GOSPEL OF CHRIST to our children. We will NOT hold back from quoting THE BIBLE to them. JESUS CHRIST CAN CHANGE THEM! And, He can change all of us–and all the children–adopted or otherwise–who are struggling as they are.
Please pray for strength and encouragement for us. We are especially weary and often confused as to what is going on in their head. Please pray that CHRIST changes them. He is our only hope.
I don’t like sharing as much as I did. But if I’m not honest, people won’t know how to pray. And as you can tell, we need prayer.
I know I put a lot in caps. I know I was snarky at times. But I am quite rattled as to why they rose the stakes. Why on earth they acted out in such a violent way that was totally reminiscent of Spring, Summer and some Autumn of 2010. The teachers are tired. And as of this afternoon, scared. We are bewildered and frustrated.
Thankfully the preschool hasn’t given up and kicked them out yet. We are so grateful to have their support. It’s been priceless. To have yours too would be amazing.
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Esther and her husband Andrew became first time parents to twin toddlers with 24 hours notice, and a year before planned. Though they still have far to go in the healing process, Isaac & Mikayle have come leaps and bounds from their arrival date almost 2 years ago. Andrew and Esther accepted Christ as their Savior when they were much younger, but only recently have begun to scratch the surface in understanding the miracle of their own spiritual adoption. Currently Andrew and Esther are also host parents to two sweet Korean sisters here for a school exchange program. They hope to adopt more children in the future. Esther is the caretaker of their children (who as of last week are no longer in preschool and are home with her full-time [insert sigh]), the cook, the baker, inventory control manager and home manager. Andrew works with Bethany Christian Services in Church and Community Relations assisting South Eastern Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Delaware area churches in fulfilling the command to care for the orphans around the globe and close to home (you can connect with him at abrunk@bethany.org).
Things I’ll Never Tell You
I’ll never tell you how much this hurts.
The waiting, wondering, not knowing. Loving someone who you can’t touch, who isn’t real. Feeling an ache, a hole. And then out of nowhere that feeling turns into a sharp pain, as your gasping for air, a moment in time when life literally seems to have been sucked from your body. Why? Because that is all she is…a feeling.
I’ll never tell you that I contemplate the potential I am going insane.
As I check my email upwards of twenty times a day, constantly wonder what time it is in Taiwan, and burst into tears when I wake up and have no emails. Because while I sleep, she could be awake. The people who hold my future in their hands are awake. And when I wake up and realize I will have to survive another 12-16 hours before I can crawl into bed and dream about waking up to some sort of morsel of news…it feels like a wasted life.
I’ll never tell you I question God.
As I sit alone in Adelyn’s nursery, struggling to believe she’ll ever be real. As I wonder why this road was chosen for me. Why didn’t I ever even want to be pregnant? Did I cause this for myself? Did my dream of adoption first render me incapable of being pregnant ever? Why can’t I just go back to being the me I was a year ago? The me that was 100% healthy, the me that actually had a choice.
Are You sure, God? Where is she God? When?
I’ll never tell you how deep the words can cut.
From the friends, family, and strangers who don’t understand. When I am attacked for past fundraising and called a beggar. When my intentions are misconstrued and my heart is dragged through the mud. When someone tells me “I never really thought your daughter would come from Taiwan anyways.” “You should just try and have your own.” “If it’s so difficult maybe your not doing the right thing.”
But those questions bring out the mother in me…
I don’t care where she is – God will be sure we find each other.
Yes this will happen. When God is ready, this will happen.
And no – I don’t want to risk my life or my unborn child’s life to “give it a go.”
It seems that it’s in those moments where I’m at my lowest that God calls on my mothers heart to remind me that He gave me one. And that our Kayla made it beat in that sweet and knowing rhythm.
But…
You didn’t hear any of this from me.
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Brooke is a beloved daughter of Christ and a dedicated social worker who lends her expertise to the lives of over 30 children with disabilities. She is a passionate advocate for both the disability community as well as adoption and her passion is rooted in her adopted brother, Brad, who has down syndrome. Brooke has been detailing the ups and downs of the journey she and her husband Michael have been on as they set out to adopt from Taiwan but just recently started blogging about the amazing story of receiving their new bundle of joy…from Florida…sweet Adelyn.