Responding with grace is hard, but lately that is what I have felt in my heart. I was reading an adoption blog, and there was a small sentence about extending grace to people around us. That stuck in my mind as I thought about some difficult conversations I have had with a family member. She does not understand our adoption and is rather vocal about it in family situations. My instant reaction was to defend my position, defend my family, and argue my way through the conversation. I have tried to have private conversations explaining our journey, all the way God has provided and orchestrated every single detail. I thought, if I just explained it eloquently enough, she would see that something beautiful is transpiring and she would join in our excitement. Well, that didn’t happen no matter what my strategy was.
Then, I decided to respond with grace. When a hurtful comment was made, instead of feeling righteous, I responded with grace and kindness. When she did not ask questions about the status of our adoption, instead of feeling hurt, I enjoyed her company as it was. When a funny story from our trip to Ghana came to mind, instead of forcing her to listen to it, I shared it with someone else. Grace. Grace. Grace. I can’t say that it was easy. My lip was bloody from all the times I bit it to prevent my mouth from responding in anger and hatred. I practiced deep breathing to lower my blood pressure as it began to rise.It was a constant effort to overcome my own sin in the responses I gave.
As the dynamic of our relationship began to shift, I realized that responding with grace was just as much for me as it was for her. Slowly, the tension began to melt, my guard came down and I relaxed again in her company. Trust was being built and conversations have honesty behind them. True reasons for this hesitancy to support us became clearer and progress was made. Once I was able to extend grace, she responded with honesty. This would have not happened with my typical response.
A few weeks ago, we realized that in order to afford the final part of our adoption, we would need to raise funds. As we were praying about our options, this same family member called and offered to help. She is now fervently advocating on our children’s behalf, and I can see that God is using this situation to foster healing.
I know there must be others struggling with someone less than enthusiastic about something in their lives. It could be because of an adoption or any life situation that God has called them to that is “out of the comfort zone” for most people. What is the response that we should have? What yields the desired result? For me, it has been grace. Over and over and over again.
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Jenni is first and foremost a daughter of our Heavenly Father. She has been married for 16 years to Eric. Together, they have a daughter Emmi (12), Jakob (6), and recently received news that their Visa interview in Ghana will be at the end of this month so they can become parents to Kofi (6) and Agyeiwaa (3). Jenni’s prayer is to have all her children under one roof soon. Jenni began her adoption process a year ago when God broke her heart for the fatherless. Jenni writes a blog about their adoption journey.
Oh, Jenni, this is so good. I was just venting this a.m. to my sister about a situation or two in my life and she reminded me that grace and truth are not impossible to combine into a response or reaction, it just requires self-control and wisdom to do it… I’m really appreciating this post in light of that. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Thank you for your comment. It has been a learning experience for me to overcome my own imperfections when it comes to grace. I try extend grace whenever possible now and it is helping ME so much. Never thought it would work out like that 🙂
What a great story – I’m so glad that she turned around. I always wish I had more grace, but I barely have enough for myself.
Shannon, it has been a slow process for this family member to accept our desire to adopt. It is hard to extend grace when I felt it wasn’t being returned back to me. Slowly though I felt that the grace I gave, came back to me 1000 times in peace of mind, renewed relationships and reduced anger. I am not perfect, but it has helped,
I also had a family member or two who initially struggled with our decision to adopt. Meeting our new daughter changed their hearts and they fell madly in love with her. They were completely supportive our second time around.
Tamara, I am glad to hear that things do turn around. A friend had a similar experience and once the children arrived some of their harshest critics became their closest supporters. It’s wonderful to see how God changes hearts!
I love how powerful and empowering Grace is! Good for you for choosing the path of life available through Grace. So cool to hear how not only did your grace response change your relationship with your family member, but even opened the door for her to completely change her response from negative to actively positive. Such a great testimony of the power of the gospel!!
Beth, thank you so much for your comment. His grace is perfect and works even as I fail. I have been amazed at the change in this person and for her to allow this change in herself. It is slow and it takes time, but grace has changed both of us for the better.
I’ve read this post before as an avid reader of Jenni’s blog…but it still gets me. It convicts me over & over. “He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace.” 2 Timothy 1:9 God gives us all grace we don’t deserve, so that we might be in relationship with Him…so it only makes sense that we would also need to extend grace to those who we don’t feel should be deserving, so that we maintain a relationship with them as well. Thanks for the reminder Jenni! God bless you & your family. <3