What Was I Thinking?

It may seem a bit odd, but I love to take pictures of my girls sleeping.  Besides the fact that they all seem so sweet as they peacefully sleep, I often find myself marveling at the fact that they are even here.  These children, gifted by God, were desperately prayed for, cried over, and pursued.  There were many years of uncertainty that they would ever fill this room, these beds.  And yet, here they are!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Away from the hustle and bustle of the day-to-day chaos of raising three girls so close in age, watching them sleep is also a time when I think back over what it took to get them here.  And while there is mostly just amazement when I think of what God did, I’m surprised by how often recounting their story brings up almost a sense of fear in me.  Miss L’s story in particular brings thoughts of I can’t believe God did that and I followed!  That is so unlike me!  I must have been crazy, because that is something I would never do!  What in the world was I thinking…

…saying yes to doing an independent international adoption?

…saying yes to adopting from a country that has only done 6 foreign adoptions in the last 7 years?

…being our own travel agent and navigating travel requirements in Bhutan and India? 

…taking the risk that the US Consulate wouldn’t issue her a US visa?

…piecing together what hoops to jump through without an agency’s help?

…riding in a taxi by myself to the Consulate in New Delhi?

Seriously, I was crazy!

But what I’m finding is that just like God is in the business of giving grace for the day, I also believe He gives us bravery when it is necessary.  Looking back it is easy to see reasons to be terrified, and while I certainly had a sense of fear at the time of her adoption, I had a greater sense of God calling us to it that overcame my own hesitations.

One of my favorite verses is Habakkuk 3:17-19. (Amplified)

Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, [though] the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation!
The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!
 

Throughout the longing and yearning phases of building our family, I drew comfort in the first two verses.  Though I didn’t yet have what I desperately wanted, I was determined to rejoice in the Lord. My focus was on the word yet.

But in these hurried days of raising these girls who have remarkable God-stories, I find myself drawn to the last verse. Looking back in amazement at how God brought them to us and how He chose to use me in the process, and I am more convinced than ever that He was my personal bravery.

In circumstances that today would make me say no way, He gave me the strength and desire at that moment to move forward.

In situations that today would make me say that is too risky, He gave me the courage in those days to press on.

So today, when I am faced with parenting challenges that seem to great for me, may I lean on Him to give me the strength, courage, and wisdom necessary to press on.

He was my personal bravery in the amazing circumstances of Miss L’s adoption, may He be so again today.                                          __________________________________________

stephanie smit18 years in the classroom as a teacher was easy compared to parenting three little ones at home full-time. Through their three daughters, God has revealed Himself most clearly to Stephanie and her husband Matthew. He not only worked a miracle in giving them their biological daughter, He continued to show Himself in mighty ways throughout adoption journeys in China and Bhutan that were anything but normal. Nowadays she enjoys encouraging and connecting with other adoptive families through her work on the leadership team of “We Are Grafted In”.  You can read more about their family on their personal blog We Are Family.

 

An Unwelcome House Guest

It’s been pretty quiet here in my little corner of the blogosphere. I know. We’ve been in a hard season with things. This season has been exhausting. Frustrating. Desperate. Isolating. Painful. Exhausting. Draining. The pace of our household has hardly relented in deference to the hard season. It couldn’t.
 
I can tell you exactly when it started.
Let me tell you the story.
In early December, Trauma came to visit. He snuck into the house, bringing Control, Anxiety, and Fear with him. They are the kind of house guest that rolls into your pretty little guest room unannounced. The kind of house guest that brings his unpleasant friends stowed away in his suitcase before you can even process that his suitcase has been tossed on your guest bed. On the good linens no less. They are the kind of house guest the adage speaks of: “Company and fish start to stink after three days.”
Let me tell you, it stunk way sooner than three days.
It seems as if Mei Mei’s first surgery brought Trauma out of hiding. It’s totally understandable and we knew to expect it from lots of previous experiences – Trauma lurks in those hospitals for lots of kids. Kids from great, loving, nurturing beginnings. Kids from hard places. Kids with serious sicknesses. Kids with simple playground accidents. But it really feels like he was waiting for her in that room. Hiding under that oh-so-institutional crib cage. Hovering under the ugly, rough blankets.
Worse, he felt it necessary to follow her home from the hospital. He toyed with her, making a game of randomly waking her. He got his buddy to help. Fear clutched at her throat. Trauma whipped Control into a frenzy of raging tantrums over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that weren’t cut “just so.” He’d whisper in Anxiety’s ear a teensy little musing, thus starting the “Telephone Game” of insecurities repeated and grossly warped beyond recognition by the time they got to my girl’s ear. It took us a few weeks of muscling through our own sleep deprivation and the dirty laundry of these unwelcome guests to figure out that they thought they were here to stay.
When the awareness took root that these weren’t visitors, but squatters, The Boss and I dug into our bag of spiritual warfare tactics and started making things very uncomfortable for these intruders. It’s been hard work, this remediation of the damage they sought to inflict. It’s taken all of our energies. Certain Fruits of the Spirit have gotten extra work-outs, through the muddle of sleep deprivation.

{Really, moms, isn’t the irregular sort of sleep deprivation the worst kind of all? I think I could probably get used to 4-5 hours of sleep if that was the new norm. But 8 hours, then 4, then 6 then 4 again? Oh.MY.WORD.}

Scripture is being spoken, sung, hummed, and prayed. The new rocking chair is logging many, many miles. Old hymns of Truth and Promise are being called to mind, used as lullabies, even if the verses are mixed up and tunes are badly mangled. The security and anchor of The Word that my folks encouraged me to memorize and sink deeply into my heart as a young believer are pouring out when I’m too tired to coherently put together my own prayer.
Practical things had to be tended to, to aid the eviction of the unwanted tenants. So January was spent re-establishing household routines and my beloved systems.(Gasp! Yes, even I was shocked at how long it took me to get back on that bandwagon I so love!) I grocery shopped multiple times between snow storms. I baked and cooked whenever the snow dumped on us, and we were snowed in. Menu planning, preparation of the daily dinner, and laundry days all were re-instituted. Many days those tasks were literally ALL that I could handle. But handle them I did. Anxiety had no choice but to pipe down in the wake of the loud, proud boasting of permanence and structure that our return to routines gave. I much prefer when Security and Confidence hang out with my gang, don’t you?
February was focused on establishing some kind of social schedule for the little extroverted Mei Mei and her extrovert momma. Too many unstructured days staying home all day gave Trauma and Control way too much freedom to wreak their havoc. Play dates here at home and busy mornings out to do our errands made way for Joy, Cooperation, and Peace to hang out with us. It continues to amaze to me just HOW much of an extrovert this little girl is!
And while we aren’t certain that Trauma has left the building just yet, we do feel as if he’s recognized that his days are numbered. When he slinks off into the darkness and muck from whence he came, he will have no choice but to pack up his traveling mates with him. The foundation upon which we have built our home has made Trauma’s stay an uncomfortable one and he’s learning that we cannot, WILL NOT co-habitate with him.
Since our name is on the mortgage, he’s the one that’s got to go.

________________________________________

tracyTracy, aka The Gang’s Momma, has been married to Todd, aka The Boss, for almost 24 years. Together they parent 6 kids (ages 19, 18, 14, 12, 6 & 2 ½).  She loves to read, write, cry over weekly episodes of Parenthood, and share a good cup of coffee with a friend. A confirmed extrovert, Tracy has met her match in their newest daughter for both strength of will and love of socializing. While parenting her two youngest who came home through China’s special needs program is definitely the most challenging thing she’s ever done (between attachment issues & some complicated medical needs), the Lord is also using it to make her a stronger, better mommy. (At least that’s what she tells herself over her 2nd or 3rd giant Tigger mug full of coffee almost every day!)  You can find the occasional musings of the momma at www.whitneygang.blogspot.com.

 

What Adoption Won’t Do

Adoption is a topic close to my heart. My husband, Matt, and I adopted our twoyoungest children. After having our oldest son, we were not able to have morebiological kids due to a rare medical issue I didn’t even know I had. We adopted ouryounger son as an infant and are still waiting to go to court to finalize the adoptionof our daughter, who came home in November at age four. Their stories are here

and here.

In our seven years as part of the adoption community, we’ve noticed some common

misconceptions. I want to help clear some things up for you, especially if you’re

considering adoption for your family.

What Adoption Won’t Do:

Erase the pain of infertility
. We tried for longer than I would have liked to have

our son, and I distinctly remember the grief that came every month. I didn’t expect

the same kind of pain with secondary infertility (after all, at least I already had one

baby, right?), but there it was. It turns out that having a child (or more than one)

doesn’t make infertility any easier. Our biological son is now nine, and I still grieve

the loss of the ability to conceive, carry, and deliver another child. Our two adopted

children bring such joy to our lives, but they do not erase the pain of infertility and

cannot be expected to. If you are considering adoption after infertility, please give

yourself time to really experience and grieve your loss before adopting.

Make you a savior. If you are going into adoption with the idea that you’ll ride in

on a white horse to rescue a child who will in turn be appreciative and loving, you’re

setting yourself up for disappointment. No matter the age of the child being adopted,

you are not their rescuer. God is. When you reverse those roles, you will set the

stage for resentment and an unhealthy dynamic. God is the only one who rescuesIf

He calls you to adopt, let Him do the rescuing. The best thing you can do is to obey

and thank Him for letting you play a part in that child’s life.

Allow you to parent the same way you parent your biological kids. Adoption

is born out of loss. The birth family and child have all experienced deep loss, and

the adoptive family has often had their own losses as well. Adoptive parenting has

to be different from parenting our biological kids because of the child’s history.

Whether infant or older child adoption, the loss of their birth family plays a role in

their development, attachment, self-concept, and relationships. We can love our

children the same regardless of how they joined our family, but we need to parent

them differently.

Make your marriage better
. Whether you’ve endured years of infertility or are

adopting because it’s what God has put on your heart, adoption will not make

your marriage better. It’s easy to think “if only we had a baby, things would be

better.” No more hormones, no more monthly disappointments, no more doctor’s

appointments. Or maybe for you, it seems like your marriage was so much better

when you were both focused on your babies; and now that they’re older, things are

more difficult again. Whatever the case, adoption is difficult and adds stress to a

marriage and family. It doesn’t “fix” anything.

Make your life easier. This one is probably obvious. Adoption, when done with

intentionality, is hard. And that doesn’t end when the baby or child is in your arms.

That’s only the beginning. Adoption is heart-wrenching and overwhelming at

times. I’ve sat with our six-year-old son while he wept over not knowing his birth

family and not being able to fully understand why he was placed for adoption. Our

daughter has wounds only God can heal. She has emotional triggers that we may

never know the root of. And we grieve too because we didn’t see her first steps or

hear her first words. We didn’t get to rock her to sleep or soothe her when she cried.

Whatever the circumstances, adoption is hard for everyone involved.

But what adoption does is more powerful than anything it doesn’t do.

Adoption has brought our family together in a way only God could orchestrate.

His hand has been evident in every step. He literally provided a father for our two

fatherless children, and is the Heavenly Father for us all. We will forever be grateful

for the gift of all three of our children and on our knees with humility that we have

the honor of parenting them.

Adoption has given us a glimpse into God’s grace like nothing else could.

The grace I show my children when they act out is only a tiny shadow of the Grace I’ve received(and continue to need daily). The financial and emotional cost of adopting ourchildren is nothing compared to the cost of my own adoption by God. In order forme to become His daughter, God sacrificed His only Son.Adoption has revealed God’s love for us like we hadn’t seen before. When we look at

our adopted children with the same love we have for the one who shares our genes,

we grasp a little bit more the love God has for us. When He looks at me, He doesn’t

see second-best. He sees His daughter.

Adoption is hard. But it’s worth it.

____________________________________

Becca WhitsonBecca Whitson writes with her husband Matt at WhitsonLife.com. They write about marriage, parenting, and life through the lens of a married couple, parenting team, and pastor and professional counselor. Their desire is to provide hope and restoration by giving you a glimpse into their lives- the failures, the successes, and the brokenness and beauty of everyday.

 

Trust

As a mother, I am always measuring my parenting by the Word.

I especially desire to have my parenting be a foundation for my children as they begin to develop a relationship with God of their own. My prayer and my hope is that the things I have taught them, the way I have disciplined them and trained them, the character I have shown them will be a good reflection of our Heavenly Father. I know that I am not perfect and that I will make mistakes, but my desire is that my parenting and actions help them to have an accurate idea of who the Father is.

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This is my desire for all of my children,
but I can see the need for this even more clearly with my adoptive children.

And so often as a parent, you learn about God from your children.

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But even more so, with my adoptive children,
I see the parallels of myself and my own salvation.

I can see how much they need to see a reflection of that kind of love through me, because I remember how much I needed to know that love. I remember how hurt and bruised and empty and broken and distrustful of people I was when I first came to Him. I remember how I had grossly inaccurate perspectives of the kind of God He was. I remember how much I needed to learn to trust Him.

Trust.

Years of suspicion, fear, rejection.
Being let down and forgotten.
Stepped on, abused, taken advantage of.

This was me at once.
To some degree this was my children.
This was some of you in one form or another before we knew Him,
or when we have walked away and rejected His love.

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I see a HUGE need for me to teach all my children to TRUST me,
and especially my adoptive children.

What they deeply need me to instill in their hearts with my everyday actions is that they can TRUST me. They can trust my love for them and ultimately God’s love. To show them I will be faithful to love and forgive them, stand by and defend them. And that when I make mistakes, I will honestly seek forgiveness and own up to my own wrong actions.

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I know this may sound elementary.
I know you guys have all read the Connected Child. ;)

But I think if you’re like me and miss it sometimes
ok
ALOT,
you probably need to be reminded of these things sometimes,
who are we kidding,
ALOT.

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When I am trying to control myself as I kindly correct my child, and they hear that slightly detectable change of tone and completely shut-down.

I hear the voice of the Lord whispering,
“Teach them they can trust you. Teach them they can trust Me.”

And I remember how patient the Father is with me.

When I see them again doing that behavior I thought we had addressed.

I remember how faithful God has been to me to help me renew my mind to His Word.

When I see them have a physical need and not come to me with it for help,
either from lack of sensitivity to pain or from the lingering misconception that nobody cares.

I remember how loving and gentle the Father was to me as the wounds of my past healed.

My actions need to help them build trust in me.
This year.
Next year.
As long as it takes.

Just like I had to learn and am still learning to trust My Heavenly Father.

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That I can come to Him when I am sad, nothing is too small for Him.
I can come to Him when I am fearful, nothing is too BIG for Him.
When I need provision, there is Someone who is faithful to His promises.
When I am distrustful of people, I can remember His forgiveness and love for me.

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Help my actions in parenting, Lord, to help my children trust you more.
Help them to trust me and my love for them, Lord.

And help me to be faithful to the task, worthy of the calling.
I pray that when I am tested that I will remember all You have done for me,
how patient You have been with me, how much You love me, and I will use that wisdom as I teach and train my children.
Help them to turn from the fear and rejection they may have known to the freedom of love, faith and trust.
I know that you are the Healer and are working in us spirit, soul and body to make us whole.
Thank you for your grace to finish the race you have set before us.

 

The Unknown Future

After almost four years of trying to get pregnant, we got the green light from God to start the adoption process.  And boy, are we glad for the path God led us on because it led us to this sweet, little guy.

And then, a little over a year later we started the adoption process again and God led us to another sweet, little guy.

When our youngest was about 6 months old, I started dreaming of the next little babe that would come along.  I started obsessing about when it would happen or if it would ever happen again.  Growing our family consumed a lot of my thoughts.

Then God graciously pointed me back to these two faces.

I was so wrapped up in what our family could be that I was failing to see and truly appreciate our present reality.

This family of four that I belong to is far better than I could have imagined.  God is teaching me to be thankful for what I have today.

I, of course, still think about our future.  Dreaming about and wanting more children is not a bad thing, but why waste time dwelling on the unknown future when God already has it taken care of?  He has proven to be trustworthy in the past and I know he can be trusted for our future.  So, instead of me planning out our future, I’m praying for our future.  My perspective has changed and I can rest in his plan.

 I can rejoice over our unknown future because God is trustworthy.  

If I’m a mama of 2, I will rejoice.

If I’m a mama of more, I will rejoice.

 In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name.  Psalm 33:20-21

____________________________________

1010448_10151694184529120_1677268010_nAbby and her college sweetheart husband Wes began the journey of domestic adoption in 2009. Blessed with a {more than they had planned but oh so thankful for it} open adoption experience, they were able to witness the birth of their first child Max in the summer of 2010. Little brother Sam joined their team in September of 2012. Wes and Abby are trusting God as he leads them in their relationship with their sons’ birth families. You can follow their story at Akers of Love.

The Whole Truth and Nothin’ But the Truth

Ok–so my ambitions were BIG in writing on the blog this week…..and then LIFE happened! Birthdays, and pneumonia (for Charlie), schoolwork, and practices swallowed me up.

And guess what I did? I felt guilty about not doing what I had said I would. Felt like I kinda set myself up for failure..and that everyone would judge me.
I recently passed on a link on FB that was so powerful, I now see it being spread amongst many of my mom friends. It’s called “Don’t Carpe Diem” and it is such an insightful article..and SO NEEDED!!
Read it HERE…and then come back!
I have a tendency to look on the bright side of things…remain somewhat unruffled by kid stuff…and to keep things cheery…at least to the outside. I cannot TELL you how many times I have been told while out with the kids…minding my own business…
“oh you must enjoy having all those kids around”
“So many reasons to be happy”
“What a blessing they are..enjoy them now..it goes fast.”
“What an incredible person you are”
“You are a saint!” (at this I literally laugh out loud…)
And I ALWAYS give the answer that they want to hear….
“Yes…our house is SO much fun!”
“Oh they make me smile everyday!”
“I am SO enjoying every minute..I’ll be sad when they’re gone!!”
as for the accolades about me being a great person and all….well I always respond….”these children have blessed me waaayyy more than I them.”
And I actually do mean everyone of those responses..I truly do.
Just not EVERY day.
And why is it that we can’t, as human beings… just tell the truth?
Why, instead of giving wanted answers…can we really say how we feel? Maybe not to the cashier at Target…or the well-meaning grandma…but how about to our friends?
What is it…Fear of being judged?
Fear that you might come across as…I don’t know…normal???
Fear of breaking the perfection illusion that you have created?
Or in us adoptive parents..fear that people will think you regret your adoption? Or that you have gotten yourself in way too far over your head?
Because, as I posted that link…I got thank you’s from my niece who is caring for her first infant…and feeling guilty when she just wants to scream from her baby screaming. But she’s afraid to say it because she should be grateful she has a beautiful healthy infant .
Or the private message from a friend that has many kids that feels like she’s drowning some days…and won’t fess up because she got herself into it in the first place.
The email from my friend who is navigating her way as a single mom..and doesn’t want to give off the impression that she’s struggling.
WHY?? Why can’t we share??
I know that when a mom tells me of any kind of trouble with her kid, personal life..whatever…I am so happy to hear that I am not alone!
When someone lets you in…you feel closer to them..and it can have a great impact on the quality of your friendship. I know that I LOVE real people. The kind I can dish with over coffee…and that I can tell about the craziness at my house..and all of the sudden be laughing so hard I can’t stop!
I think it is WAY healthier than keeping it all bottled up inside…so on that note…I will share. I will give you (in bulletpoints) an honest look at the past few weeks.
I will promise you that all of the following statements are fleeting feelings…that we all have…and I DO LOVE MY KIDS….really I do……
Here are some things that I could have answered to the above statements….
 
*Well-meaning samaritan:
“Oh you must enjoy having all those kids around!”
 
My “real” response:
 
“You think? Yes I really enjoyed waking up to 4 kids, two dogs, and 10 matchbox cars in my bed this morning. In addition, I enjoyed discovering that my 4 year old wet the bed..again..and I have to wash all his sheets….again. I also enjoy seeing that as I go downstairs in my hazy fog..I discover that someone has drawn smiley faces on my white spindles..in red….with a sharpie. I also enjoy the mad scramble of feeding 7 kids..5 of whom are always running late for the bus..and all of whom argue about everything that I prepare.
Now THAT, my friend…sure is enjoyable…especially before 7:30 am!!
Yes..having all these kids is a daily joy-fest. Have a nice day….”
 
*Kind..usually elderly person: *”What a blessing they are…enjoy them now, time goes fast”
(this would be the carpe diem comment)
 
My “real” response:
 
“How fast does it really go? Because right now my dreams consist of being able to have one nano-second to myself..like for the luxury of peeing in peace. Yes—please tell me it goes fast..I would like to go into the pantry for a pretzel, and eat it without hiding in fear… of the “seagulls/kids” that will swarm me if they see me having a morsel of food.
Yes, dear kind person…I would like to watch something besides the Disney Channel..and I do NOT want to know all the words to every Justin Bieber song. I would like to watch movies without 3D glasses, and go to restaurants that don’t have a kiddie menu. Fast, you say? Yes, fast will get me through the day…thank you very much!”
 
And the best…of them all..as I tote around my adorable Chinese children..from all kinds of people:
 
“you are an incredible person, saint, Mother Theresa..whatever..”
 
My “real” response:
 
Well, thank you kindly…but I seriously doubt that saints, or the dearly departed Mother looked forward to a beer at 5:00 pm to get them through to bedtime.
I also don’t think those of a saintly status had times where they lied to their kids and told them it was 8 pm…time to brush their teeth..when in actuality it was 6:30.
Or I am quite certain that saints don’t second guess themselves…thinking that if we had only had two…we would be doing this, that and the other….(usually quite frivolous things..like trips, and the like…)
I also know that the Holy do not throw temper tantrums worse than a two year old at times when their kids don’t listen. So ….thanks for the compliment…but…..
 
The saintly would also be quite calm and patient when kids do things like….
hide mom’s car keys..so well that the car has to be towed to the dealer for a new set
or
stuff 12 juice boxes down the toilet…mixed with applesauce..for fun..
or
take food from the pantry..and when they have eaten half of it..just stuff the remaining half in the couch..to be found..quite awhile later…
or
carve their name in the kitchen table…
YES..these things would NEVER ruffle a person with “holy” describing them.
 
So, that’ the REAL truth…and nothin’ but the truth…so help me God!
And at the end of the day, I would never, ever, trade this life for anything. No life of leisure could compare to the love that I feel for every single one of my kids. No amount of money could replace the amazing experience of having this family. And quiet, perfect, houses make me a tad nervous.
I’m just saying’….it aint perfect ALL the time. And it’s ok to let it all out. Tell a friend, sibling, partner, your dog…anyone….how you REALLY feel at times. It gives such a sense of freedom.
And to be honest…..I think it helps you to appreciate your life on a whole new level, because when youREEAALLLY picture your life without all “this”(whatever “this” entails to you”)……..it just seems empty.
SO vent away my friends….take a load off your shoulders and your heart…and your tomorrows will take on a whole new meaning.

________________________________________

Amy Dinello

My name is Amy, and I have been married to Darrin for almost 16 years. We have 4 biological kids (Hannah 12, Joseph 8, Caroline 6, Charlie 5) and two children from China (Hope 5 and Samuel 3). Both of our blessings from China were born with limb differences. We are incredibly blessed by the miracle of adoption and would love to talk to anyone about adopting a child with a limb difference. I am a stay-at-home mom who also is a volunteer for Love Without Boundaries. I am the Fundraising Coordinator for their Orphanage Assistance Program. It is an incredible way to remember those children still waiting for a family! I am just happy to be living an amazing life with my family and sharing a bit of our continuing story on our blog.

True Words

A few months before leaving for Uganda, I heard something from Bethel Church about four phrases they teach to their youngest children’s classes to begin sealing truth
on their little minds and hearts early. The phrases are:

God is good, nothing is impossible, Jesus already won, and
everyone is important.

Immediately, I wrote them down, knowing that one day I would want to teach them to
my children. Little did I know at the time, however, that these words (and the ones
that followed them) would turn into a lifeline, not just for my children, but for
me.

The struggle to keep lies out of my head has been lifelong. I can remember lying in
bed as young as 4 and 5 years old and trying to shut out lies: you’re not safe,
people don’t like you, you’re a bad friend, tomorrow will be a bad day. Somehow,
over the years, I learned to repeat truth to myself over and over and prevent what I
assume could have turned into truly crippling fear.

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Enter this adoption. As a single woman. In a country where fear has
captured generations. Of two children who knew fear intimately.

As much as the desire of my heart is to show my children that I am safe, my
own fears and the very reality that nothing about life is really safe led me to
realize that the only way to truly make my children feel safe was to introduce them
to Safety….Himself. Not necessarily a promise of physical safety,
but of an intimate relationship with a God who guards hearts and minds.

And so it came about that at night, before bed and long before their English allowed
them to understand the words, we recited those four little phrases above. As new
fears surfaced in them and in me, we added new phrases, eventually landing on nine
phrases that seemed to answer every lie that surfaced during the day. It is amazing
how quickly the girls took ownership of “our true words“, as they call them
now. Just yesterday, one of them was struggling under lies and said, “Mama, can
you please help me say some true words
?”

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Then last week, in the car, I made an error in judgement that resulted in something
breaking. The value was small, but it shaded my attitude about the day. Wondering
how much our true words were really taking practical effect in the girls hearts, I
said, “Girls, I made a mistake just now, and I’m really feeling bad about it. It
feels like the whole day is ruined because of the thing I broke. What true things
can you tell me to help me get my heart back on track?
” Immediately from the
back seat came,

“Mama, don’t worry. Even grown-ups make mistakes sometimes. That thing was not
so important. You can get a new one.”

I read (in this amazing book) that the most valuable gift a parent can
give their child is the ability to return to joy from any negative emotion. If
nothing else, these true words are giving them that gift. They are learning to
recognize lies and speak truth to themselves and the people around them at such an
early age and I am reaping the benefits. My 6 year old can look me in the eyes and
say, “Mommy, I was wrong. I know that everyone is important,
but I did not treat you like you were important. Will you forgive me?

So many friends have asked me to put the true words up here so they can begin using
them with their own kids, so here they are….finally. Click on the picture below to
access the PDF download.

And in case you’re wondering where these words come from:

  1. God is good (Psalm 100:5)
  2. Nothing is imposible (Luke 1:37)
  3. Jesus Already Won (Philippians 3:12)
  4. Everyone is important (Psalm 139:14)
  5. My mommy and daddy love me (Isaiah 49:15)
  6. Tomorrow will be a good day (Lamentations 3:23)
  7. I am God’s treasure (Malachi 3:17)
  8. I am the one Jesus loves (1
    John 4:19
    John 3:16)
  9. Our family is the best (well, that one isn’t Biblical, but we say it anyway)

TrueWords

________________________________

Mandie Joy Turner copyMandie Joy is a foster parent and mama of two beautiful little girls newly home from Africa. She blogs at www.seeingjoy.com.

The Dance of Life: the Song of Sonship

I used to teach middle school right after Stephen and I got married. One of our most memorable times from that period in our lives was chaperoning the middle school dances. Oh my goodness! See if this doesn’t sound familiar to you– the boys all lined up on one side of the gym, the girls on the other. The music is playing, but only a few are actually dancing. The rest are hesitant, scared, painfully self-aware, or ashamed, embarrassed, unsure…..

They want to dance– desperately. But their fear is so real, so big. They doubt they belong in the crowd cool enough to get out on the dance floor. They fear they don’t have what it takes, that they will fail in some way- so it is easier just to hang back and watch, acting as if in reality they don’t actually want to dance.

Stephen and I laugh when we remember the inevitable posse of girls moving in a chattering, giggling unit over to a friend, ready to drag him or her out on the floor. The friend would resist, of course, but no doubt was thrilled that the issue was being forced, relieved to have found a way to overcome the barrier.

A dance is an intimate thing. It speaks of romance and partnership, and fun. There is a dance going on and sometimes I see the adopted children I know struggle like those middle school students. The best song is playing– the one everyone loves. It is the SONG OF ALL SONGS! It is the music of adoption, of acceptance, of unconditional love. There is no better song to dance to! And the dance is happening right before their eyes, this DANCE OF LIFE.

and yet, they hesitate
denying even the desire to dance
covering their fear of the intimacy of it all with denials
declaring “that’s just not who I am”
the voice of rejection whispering (or yelling) in their ear
you don’t belong in that dance
rejected, dejected
not a son, not a daughter

and you and I KEEP DANCING
for we can do nothing else with such a song
we have been captivated by the tune– it is beautiful and so very good
we swing by our child
extending our invitation to join in with abandon
and some come with joy
and some hesitate
but all desire to join in, secretly loving it when we grab hold and pull them into the longed-for movement of life
because this is what they are born to do, to dance to this
SONG OF SONSHIP

___________________________

Beth Templeton

Beth has been married to her husband Stephen for 27 years. They have seven children, ages 18-24. Several years after giving birth to three girls God called their family to the adventure and blessing of adoption. In 2000, they brought home a brother and sister, ages 5 and 10, from Russia. Then they returned to the same orphanage 18 months later and brought home two more brothers, ages 7 and 10. Beth’s heart has been deeply and forever changed as she has watched the love of Father God poured out on her whole family through adoption. She leads Hope at Home, a ministry dedicated to help adoptive and foster parents encounter the Father’s heart for their families, partnering with God to transform orphans into sons and daughters. For more parenting insight and encouragement in the Lord, go to Hope at Home.

Where Are My Green Pastures? {Together Called 2014}

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures.” 
Psalm 23:1-2

Green pastures.

We all want them, right?  Psalm 23 conjures up images of lush, green rolling hills, or perhaps an enormous meadow of knee-high green vegetation.

Seriously green.  Kentucky green.

Lush and more-than-enough.

What a gracious God we serve that he does indeed bless us at times in such huge ways that we feel this sense of being in those green, green fields, enjoying the enormity of his grace towards us!  Provision so full and complete.  More than what we expect.  But what if your adoption or parenting journey has you wondering…

Where are my green pastures?

You’ve struggled long enough.  The red tape continues to entangle you.  The wait doesn’t get any easier, in fact, it lengthens.

Your child is home, but so far as you can see there are no green pastures.  The night terrors take their toll on everyone’s sleep.  Your beloved child still feels like a stranger to you.  The stress of loving a hurting child is taking a toll on your marriage.

You ask, Where are my green pastures?

In my two-week hiking tour of Israel back in 2004, we trekked across the general area where David led his sheep, to see the setting of perhaps the most well-known passage of the Bible: Psalm 23.

And what we saw gave a whole new meaning to the concept of green pastures.  Take a look:

Aside from a few shrubs, you can see that these “pastures” are anything but green by our standards.  And yet, if you look closely, you can see a present-day shepherd still leading a flock of sheep over these very hills.

So what do the sheep eat? you may ask.  They are eating just one mouthful of young, green vegetation at at time, following the shepherd to the next mouthful. (See below.)

The sheep follow the shepherd’s leading, trusting that he will lead them to what they need.  They can’t just stand in one spot and eat their fill; they need to continue to follow their shepherd, staying near enough to hear his voice, to be lead to the next mouthful.
When the lush green pastures of God’s provision seem non-existent, you are not being forgotten or passed over or left alone.  Your Shepherd is right there, leading you to mouthfuls of His grace. Just the mouthful of grace you need to remind Him of His care for you.
As my husband and I went through some pretty deep and dark valleys in our adoption journey, we found God’s tender care for us revealed in these mouthfuls of green pastures; He continued to provide us with His grace for the day.  
The sermon that seemed as if it was written just for us.
The phone call from a friend.
The gift of a warm cup of coffee and a listening ear.
A note with an encouraging verse.
Mouthfuls of His grace provide through a community of believers who acted on His promptings.  Just enough to sustain us.  Just enough to encourage us to keep on the path, to remind us He sees us.
As you walk through your current valley, can you look back and see where God gave you a mouthful of green pasture?  Can you see how He has been providing grace for the day to remind you He is with you?  
This past weekend, at Together Called 2014, couples were encouraged to work together to make a list of where they have seen God’s provision of mouthfuls of green pasture.  They were encouraged to record how each had been a source of grace for the day to the other.  Husbands and wives shared with each other what a “mouthful of encouragement” would look like to them, so their spouse could look for opportunities to be used by God to provide grace for the day.  We are God’s hands and feet and He uses us to minister to each other, especially in times of struggle.
Have you felt defeated lately?  Left alone or abandoned by God?  Does your adoption journey feel hopeless and does it seem that He simply isn’t working in your journey right now?  Are you struggling for the strength to patiently work towards attachment just one more day?  Ask God to open your eyes to the mouthfuls of grace He is providing.
Can you think of some people God has placed around you who are in need of some grace for the day?  Will you listen for those God-promptings to pick up the phone or drop them a note of encouragement?  You can be the mouthful they need to make it another day.
“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures.” 
Psalm 23:1-2
**NOTE: My Israel trip was led by Ray VanderLaan of Follow the Rabbi, and this blog post is based on one of the faith lessons he taught on our 2004 trip.**

____________________________

Stephanie Smit18 years in the classroom as a teacher was easy compared to parenting three little ones at home full-time. Through their three daughters, God has revealed Himself most clearly to Stephanie and her husband Matthew. He not only worked a miracle in giving them their biological daughter, He continued to show Himself in mighty ways throughout adoption journeys in China and Bhutan that were anything but normal. Nowadays she enjoys encouraging and connecting with other adoptive families through her work on “We Are Grafted In”.  You can read more about their family on their personal blog We Are Family.

Together Called to rest

together called 2014 fireI’ve realized something lately. I’ve realized it over the last few months as we’ve prepared for this day. I’ve seen it; I’ve experienced it. There’s a lot of weary going around. It is not the kind of weary that means tired. Being tired is something a good night’s sleep and a tall cup of coffee can fix. It’s deeper than that. It’s w e a r y, an exhaustion that fills what can seem like a never ending season of winter.

We added something new to Together Called this year. Some couples come this weekend to be fed and simply be able to reconnect with each other. That’s great. Other couples come to Together Called to be fed, maybe reconnect with each other, but also connect with other couples who “get it.” This year, we wanted to be intentional about helping them do that. The weekend goes by fast, so we have tried to do some work ahead of time so that they can skip some of the higher level conversation and get to the conversation that we all really are looking for anyway. We asked couples to fill out an online survey of sorts, noting areas they could use someone’s connection and areas where they may be able to pour into others.

As the responses came in, the weariness became visibly apparent in the form of an Excel spreadsheet on the screen in front of us. Nearly 1/4 of the couples coming this weekend shared that they fell into the category of coming up for air and asked for someone to connect with them to encourage them.

Weary.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. -Matthew 11:28

That’s what we want these couples to get this weekend. We’ve got great stuff planned, gifted speakers, good food, warm fires. But, we don’t want Together Called to be their tall cup of coffee. We want to point them to the One who called them in the first place and calls them still when they’re in the hard places and when things seem to be working out okay.

We are coming weary and burdened. We pray that we will leave having experienced rest and understanding that life with Jesus can be rest even in the midst—perhaps more so in the midst—of brokenness and the tender pain of the grafting process, that He desires to us to experience rest in Him because He is our Father and simply loves us because we are His.

Come, friends. Come, and let’s share the weariness and find rest together.

_________________________________

Wanna learn more about Together Called 2015? Join our mailing list for more information.

_________________________________

Kelly-NHBO1-150x150
Kelly Raudenbush

Kelly has a passion for supporting adoptive families, specifically to encourage parents to be intentional and understand their own hearts more clearly as they seek to care for their hearts of their children. Kelly has a Master’s degree in counseling and has been working with adoptive families since she and her husband Mark founded the nonprofit The Sparrow Fund (www.sparrow-fund.org). Married to Mark since 1998, they have 3 biological children and 1 daughter who was adopted as a toddler from China in 2010. You can learn more about their adoption story, how they’ve been changed by the experience of adoption, and what life for them looks like on Kelly’s personal blog, My Overthinking.

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