I am, obviously, an adoptive parent. I like to read blogs (some being adoption blogs). I read adoptive parent forums. I have even read a couple books written for adoptive parents. I don’t consider myself an expert, not even close. But, I do want to say something to adoptive parents, and I respectfully hope they’ll listen.
Over the past few years, I have read MANY posts and articles written by adoptive parents about what everyone else should and shouldn’t say to adopted children, what people should and shouldn’t ask an adopted, more specifically. an adopted, non-white child. I’ve read posts that lecture the general public about what they should ask, where it would be appropriate to ask it, what not to ask, etc. And, I’ll be frank, it wears me out. I find all of the pointed advice overwhelming to the point of giving up, and I often hear a small voice saying, “Forget it! I just won’t ask you, or any other adoptive parent, anything about adoption since it’s such a sensitive topic.” After such articles, my thought is always this, “If I feel this way, how must the non-adoptive general public feel?!”
Here’s the reality–when a family decides to adopt, more specifically, adopt a child who is of another race, then they have kicked the door wide open for curious questions because racially blended families aren’t the norm. This isn’t just a United States thing; they aren’t the norm anywhere in the world. It is pretty much common knowledge that whenever you make a decision to go against social norms, you’re inviting questions, opinions, and curious looks. This is reality, and it is a reality everywhere in the world because people who break tradition or don’t follow “normal” paths ALWAYS get this reaction, no matter what country you live in.
For example, when a teenager dyes his hair red and spikes it into a four-inch Mohawk, people look. Why? because it’s not the norm. When a family chooses to have no TVs in the home, people ask questions; its not the norm. When a family moves half-way around the world to be missionaries, people question and inquire about it because it’s not normal. If I’m going to be honest with you, I too am curious as to why people do these types of things. Why did that boy put his hair in a red mohawk? Why did you make the decision to not have TVs? What led you to uproot your family to be a missionary? I truly want to know (
I could not agree MORE Heather!!! That part of adoption (the part where you look different and field all kinds of looks, questions and inquiries) was not an issue for us. Nothing I do is much the norm. We didn’t get married until we were 40 and fielded lots of questions about “Why aren’t you married yet? (which could be interpeted at “What’s wrong with you?” And when hanging out with my niece we heard, “Are you her grandparents?” So we were prepared and I might even say “practiced”. Then we adopted our only child from China in 2009 at the ripe age of 49 and 51. So not only do we get lots of questions about our bi-racial family, but we also get the grandparent question as well. I’ve learned to help folks on that one–by saying something to Izabella like, ‘Izabella, stay with Mommy, ok?” And that is a hint–I’m not the grandmother. 🙂
I’m most always out of the box–doing things the way God leads me to–or so I hope I’m honoring His plan for ME. I find it’s always more a blessing than a negative thing. Many times the people who ask are thinking of adopting themselves–and just have some questions about that. If their questions getting answered leads them to take the leap and adopt an orphan–I’ll answer questions all day long.
Again–I agree whole heartedly with you–WONDERFUL Post! I hope lots of families read it and heed your advice..it’s solid, it’s grounded in reality. Thank you.
Lovely and wise. Thanks. :o)
Thankyouthankyouthankyou….for this wise and thoughtful post. What great Truth and wisdom. I have thought of this many times since originally reading your post on your blog.
Thanks for those encouraging words.
Thank you for your kind responses! I think as Christians, we need to think more about what God wants us to do, and where He is leading us rather than what others will think or say. After all, The Bible says, “You’ll be fools for Christ.” (and I believe that if you’re not His fool, you’ll be someone else’s) Following God may not lead us down typically paths, but it is our duty to be obedient and follow the voice of our Shepherd regardless of where that leads us.
Wow! This has been on my mind for quite some time. I appreciate your frank response to it all. It is so refreshing and what Christ would want. And yes, we are demonstrating a behavior to our children, either patience and kindness or the opposite. Thanks!
As a soon to be first time adoptive mom, I loved your post! Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I totally agree with what you have shared!
Thank you so much, Heather! I am still in the “hoping to adopt” camp, and I’ve read so many blog posts about how to respond to unwelcome questions about adoption–some humorous, some frankly cold and off-putting. But I can’t recall one that was meek and mission-minded, as yours was. I’m grateful for your wisdom and Christ-like love for the world around you! I pray earnestly to have the chance to follow your example some day.
Walking the walk and talking the talk is part of the witness!
If someone wants to ask me about my children who are obvious not biologically made by my husband and me, I will tell them. I will encourage them to consider supporting third world countries, poverty near by, medical missions, etc. They might not think they could do ‘it’ (adopt) but they can be apart of finding families for the lonely or supporting families so that they don’t have to be separated from their families, or promoting life so that the quality is available for all.
About a year ago my family was at a near by pizza place celebrating a graduation. There were about 20 of us. 2 African children, and the rest not african. As an elder gentleman got up to leave he came over to me and whispered into my ear….(At this point I was getting creeped out b/c he was headed straight towards me and everyone knew it) he whispered, “I like what you’re doing, thank you.” Single, White, Elderly – and he liked what we were doing….
Thanks for your heart,
Thank you for your space.
Maria
Well said! I must admit, I often fall into the “What are they looking at?” frame of mind, but I try to quickly check myself. I have had many conversations with strangers about our family, and I do not regret any of them. I would love to be the person that put adoption into someone’s mind, even if they explore the option and decide it’s not for them, at least they thought about it. My husband is VERY good at recognizing this, he always tells me, “Maybe we are the first family they have felt comfortable enough to talk to. Maybe our family can raise awareness of the need.” We have such a great responsibility as parents (adoptive or bio) and Christians, we should feel privileged!
well said. beautifully written.
I love this! I have often felt frustrated at the sensitivities you mentioned. When people ask me “those” types of questions, I need to see them as an opportunity to educate on adoption and give an answer filled with grace and not arrogance and exasperation. If I walked into a car shop, I would have no idea what to ask and I would probably say something dumb simply because I have no clue about cars. People that haven’t even thought about adoption before shouldn’t be held to a different standard. We need to be patient and teach and enjoy the privilege that the Lord gave us. You said it perfectly!!
This is very refreshing! I hope to be able to extend grace to people when they stare and ask questions about our adoption (taking place in about three months).