A few weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend who had recently received her referral. The first thing she said to me was, “No one told me it would be so hard.” As soon as I heard the words, I realized she was right. Receiving your referral call is amazing, but there is more to it than that. It isn’t something that we talk about much. While it is true that adoption is beautiful, it is also brokenness and each life involved needs redemption. When we first started the adoption process, I thought it was clear cut. There are children who need families and we are a family who want children. What I am learning and accepting is that adoption is deeply complicated. Every person in this world has a story, things happen that are beyond our control, decisions are made, lies are told, truth is told, good intentions, bad intentions, pain, love, selfishness, selflessness. It is complicated.
All those months of waiting, you expect a flood of joy and nothing else on the day you get “the call.” The call makes it all real. No longer are you imagining your child, you can see their beautiful face. With your referral, you will begin to know their story. The same love that fills your heart with joy is the love the breaks your heart for the pain and loss in their little lives. My sweet friend could not bring herself to feel the full measure of joy because her heart was aching with each word she read of her child’s past. Your friends and family who have been waiting with you expect to see you dancing on Cloud 9. You are happy, but you cannot and should not forget the sacrifices, the difficulty that brought this child whose photo you are now staring at, your child, to a place where they needed a family. The pain that they have felt and the pain they will feel as they lose everything that they know in this world to join your family. It is joyful, but it is hard. Change is often hard, even as it is bringing healing. Nothing can prepare you for the moment that you really realize the child you have waited for, prayed for and loved has pain in their hearts, pain that you could not protect them from and pain that will always be a part of their story.
There are many days now that my heart and mind are filled with anguish at the reality that I have the amazing privilege of mothering these two precious lives instead of their mothers a world away. Each day, I get to kiss Maya’s soft cheeks and watch her grow. That is my joy. I love her more than I could have ever imagined. As I kiss her cheeks, I remember the one who brought her into this world and I grieve for her. For all she is missing. I grieve for Maya and the pieces of her life that are missing. One day, we will start having conversations with Maya about how she became our daughter and those conversations will be filled with smiles and tears. Joy and pain. But there is hope. There is a future. As her parents, we will have to walk her through moments of grief and loss along with all the good moments we get to be a part of. I will never understand every piece of her story. I think I am grieving for her now, so that in the future I will be better prepared to grieve with her. For both Alain and Maya, I pray that God will turn their broken pieces into joy and that in Chris and I can be a part of that healing.
As you are waiting, prepare your heart for the complexity of it all. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself or you family to feel any one way or another. Expect to feel a range of emotions both at the time of your referral and when you meet your child. Be encouraged that you aren’t alone.
Psalm 30:11-12:“You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.”
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Jennifer and her husband Chris have been married for four years. Very early in their marriage they made the decision to grow their family
only through adoption. They are both small business owners and love the time they get to spend with each other and their two children, a 17 year old son from Rwanda and one year old daughter from Ethiopia. When they began their adoption process in 2010, there were many things they thought they knew about adoption. Three years later, their viewpoint of adoption has changed tremendously. One thing they know for sure, adoption is complicated. It is brokenness, wealth, poverty, and passion with a huge helping of good intentions. All the while, the precious lives of children hang in the balance. Through this continuing journey, they have grown in their faith, their compassion and the fire to be a part of what God is doing all over the world. You can follow her blog at Pure and Lasting.