If you had been mine from the beginning, I would have cried tears of joy as soon as I knew you were growing inside me.

If you had been mine from the beginning, Daddy and I would have stayed up late at night dreaming about you: who you would be, what you would look like, who you would become. I would have sung lullabies to you, and Daddy would have read books to my tummy as I rocked gently in my rocking chair.

If you had been mine from the beginning, Daddy and I would have walked through the baby store, hand in hand, making plans for you. I would have been so proud of my big baby belly, and thrilled with each tiny kick from inside. As the time grew closer for you to come, we would have been so excited; we hardly would have been able to wait to meet you.

If you had been mine from the beginning, Daddy would have held my hand, lovingly urging me on as I struggled to bring you into the world. Your first cry would have filled us with a joy like no other, and I would have cried happy tears as I held you in my arms for the first time. Recognizing my voice, you would have looked up at me with your beautiful, trusting brown eyes…

…and you would have known instantly that I would love you forever.

If you had been mine from the beginning, I would have held you close to my heart: nursing you, covering your downy baby head with millions of tiny kisses, marvelling at all your perfect little fingers and toes. I would have held you for hours, drinking in your warmth and your sweet baby smell.

If you had been mine from the beginning, your new-baby cry would have broken my heart. I would have spent hours soothing you, if you needed to be soothed. I would have rocked you and held you and changed you and fed you and burped you and kissed your sweet baby face another billion times.

If you had been mine from the beginning, I would have spent hours looking into your darling face. I would have cooed at you and smiled at you, and Daddy and I would have gazed down at you with love in our eyes, and we would have celebrated those first little sounds that you made…and every little thing you did after. When you rolled over, sat up by yourself, clapped your chubby hands, spoke your first words, took your first steps…we would have been right there cheering you on.

If you had been mine from the beginning, I would have kept you with me always. I would have made up a gazillion silly little songs to animate our days together, and I would have read books to you and dressed you up and put tiny little bows in your hair. As you grew, I would have taught you your numbers and your colors and your ABCs, and I would have pushed you on the swings at the park. You would have laughed and squealed in delight, and looked at me with your beautiful, chocolate brown eyes…

…and you would have known that Mama would love you forever.

If you had been mine from the beginning, you would never have worried that someday, you might be abandoned. You wouldn’t, deep down, think that you’re worthless and unlovable.

If you had been mine from the beginning, you wouldn’t feel the need to control everything. You wouldn’t be so full of anger and fear and you wouldn’t have the need to fight against me and Daddy and against everything we ask you to do.

If you had been mine from the beginning, things would have been so much easier for you…and for me…and for our family. You would have been a happy, care-free child. You would have let the adults worry about adult things, and you would have spent all your energy on simply being a child.

If you had been mine from the beginning, you would trust me, and you would trust my decisions.

You would trust that I’ll love you forever, no matter what.

It’s been a tough day, huh, kiddo?
It was the kind of day that makes me cry out to God, asking Him to take away the suffering I see in your heart. The suffering that’s in my heart, too. I wish life could be easier for us, and especially for you, dear one.

But I know you’re going to make it.
We’re going to make it.
I believe in you, and I believe in us.
We’re fighters, you and me.

Oh, girl. How I wish you had been mine from the beginning.

No matter how many days like today we have, no matter what you do or how angry I am or how horrible you feel, I promise you…I’m so thankful that you’re mine now.

Mama loves you, Butterfly.
And I’ll love you forever…no matter what.

___________________________

I’m married to a man that makes me laugh so hard that I usually end up in tears. He was saved four years into our marriage, and then we turned our union over to God and His plans. God took our offer and blessed it with four children in two years (two through the U.S. foster care system and two through good old-fashioned baby-making), and has since given us two more little biological sons, now 2 years and 3 months old. If anyone’s keeping track, that’s six children in seven years. Did I mention I’m insane? No seriously, God is good. He’s gently leading me down the paths of mothering, partnering with my incredible hubby, dealing personally with impulsive ADHD, homeschooling, and helping our adopted kids overcome Reactive Attachment Disorder. I’ve got a lot to learn, and most days I wonder how God could possibly love me with the absolute abandon that He does. I’m so thankful and so blessed, and I write about raising RAD kids, my family, and my lifelong journey of Overcoming Myself. Feel free to visit, but don’t expect perfection…the only good in me comes from Him.