Giving Tuesday is our single biggest fundraiser of the year. It’s a big deal for us so that we can keep doing what we’re doing. But, we’re not just fundraising on Giving Tuesday, we’re vision-raising. We want to engage more and more people in the vision for caring for foster + adopted children and their families so that families can be transformed. It is our hope that as we share stories and images on Instagram and Facebook over the next two weeks, people just like you will want to give in small, medium, and large ways to join our tribe and become part of what we are doing now and where we are headed as we care for vulnerable children and families.
For Giving Tuesday, December 3rd, our giving goal is $75,000: $25,000 for general operating, $25,000 to care for families growing through foster care or adoption, and $25,000 for growing our staff and space in 2025. To help us get there, four faithful and generous donors have pledged a match of $25,000. What that means is that when we reach $25,000 in giving, these donors will give another $25,000 to bump our giving up to $50,000!
Stay close, read the stories we share, and look at the faces of the families behind them. Consider how you are able to join us.
Originally published in 2012. Republished in honor of a family in the Sparrow Family Care Grant Program who is navigating similar feelings following their own loss.
Dear Baby S,
We got the call on a Friday. Three weeks and three days ago, we first heard about you. You had been born the Sunday before, and you needed a home. I spoke at length to the social worker, and it seemed so perfect. Everything you needed, we were. Everything your birth mom wanted, we were. Even down to your name, which your birth mom wanted you to keep. It was perfect. We were so happy. We so wanted to be your parents, and we thought we would be. We would leave the next day to come and get you. To bring you home.
We went to dinner that night at our friends’ home. Everyone who was there either has adopted or is adopting, and they were so excited. While we were there, I texted with your birth mom a few times. Then she sent me your picture. I was so happy to see you for the first time. You’re beautiful, S. I showed your picture to our friends, and they agreed. The dinner was a joyful, wonderful, happy time. They would have loved to meet you, to hold you.
Late that night we got a call from those same friends. They showed up at our door with diapers, gift cards, sweet baby girl clothes, a blanket, a soft toy. They are such sweet friends to share in our joy that way.
Saturday, we drove the next day to Florida. As we drove, we talked about your name: would we make your birth mom’s choice you first or middle name? What would we call you? We thought about how we’d have to get a luggage rack in order to fit your carseat in the van. We talked about your birth mom, and I she and I texted back and forth all day. We were so happy as we made phone calls, talked to the social worker, told our families what was going on.
Sunday morning, my mom, Laina and I went shopping for a dress for you, to match the shoes in the puzzle picture. We found a sweet one.
Sunday night, we met you…what can I even say about that? Your birth mom is amazing, and you are precious, valuable, priceless.
Tuesday we learned that you weren’t ours.
Wednesday, we returned the dress.
Thursday we came home without you.
I pray for you still, sweet S. I pray that your mommy and daddy know Jesus and teach you about Him. That you are happy and loved. I’m sure you are.
You weren’t our daughter, but we wish you were. I grieve not being your mama; I wanted to be. And I also grieve the loss of relationship with your birth mom. She loves you so much, and she”s so special. I wanted to be in her life.
Someday, we will bring our baby home, and we will understand what I hope you are already experiencing: that this was how it was meant to be. But we won’t forget you or your birth mom. We know already at least one good thing that came out of this: so many people were praying for your birth mom and you, during a time that was probably the hardest in your lives. Our church was praying. Our families were praying. If we had to go through this in order for you and your birth mom to have so many people lifting you up to the Father during this time, it was worth it. She is worth it. You are worth it.
Adoption is such a mix of joy and grief. Right now, ours is the grief. Yours is the joy–and I hope for you that it is always true, that you grow up strong, joy-filled, loving, and loved.
We have a lot planned for Together Called 2024 in addition to hearing from J.R. Briggs and Graham + Abby Allen throughout the weekend.
Preconference Session Friday Afternoon
Lessons in Listening and Thoughtful Repair: Relational Practices to Support Your Family
Relationships are hard. Arguably, foster and adoptive parents know this more than most. We invite you to start your Together Called weekend experience here, joining with others to reflect on our experience of relationships, explore what the term attunement means, and practice in real time how we can offer and receive it through the tool of reflective listening and thoughtful repair. Our goal is for this workshop to be experiential, practical, and a helpful bridge into the weekend..
About the facilitator:
Kelly Raudenbush and her husband Mark cofounded The Sparrow Fund with the mission of caring for foster and adopted children and their grownups by empowering relationships within and between families. What started as a small ministry where they could serve together has grown into full-time work for them both. With a Master’s degree in counseling from Missio Seminary and a certificate in Infant and Early Childhood Mental Health from Georgetown University, Kelly has a particular interest in partnering with parents to help children process and understand their histories in healing ways; encouraging, equipping, and empowering parents as they navigate the effects of trauma; and helping caregivers and teachers in her own neighborhood and across the world best experience the power of relationship. But, her biggest passion resides in glorifying God within their own family, as a wife and a mother to their four children…and their two dogs.
Optional Breakout Sessions Saturday Afternoon
Managing All the Meltdowns (Theirs and Ours)
Oh no, here we go again! Another flare up, just a different day! Our children’s tough situations often become our tough situations as we try to manage their meltdowns and our own. In this workshop, we will unpack frustration in children, the whys and wherefores, and offer you tools to help you manage your own anxiety and regulation and equip you to support your children in the same. Sounds like magic? No, it’s not magic, but it is an effective method that has empowered many families in managing all the meltdowns while maintaining respect for themselves and promoting self-respect and positive identity in the children they love and care for.
About the facilitator:
Maude Le Roux, OTR/L is an occupational therapist and director of A Total Approach, a private therapy center in Glen Mills, PA since 2001. She opened her online academy in 2019. She trains extensively nationally and internationally, empowering both professionals and parents in their care of children. Maude is a great believer in the human spirit and believes that God created the human brain and, therefore, holds the key to true healing of body, spirit, and mind.
What Teen Adoptees Need: Seeing the Valuable Child Within Your Growing Adolescent
Teenagers are hard to care for. Teenagers with a history of trauma are hard to understand. Parents often ask: Is it trauma? Is this the stage of adolescence? Is it our parenting strategy? In this session, we will unpack how adoption trauma can manifest itself within a teen’s unique developmental stage. Sara will lend personal insights and offer practical ways parents can support teens to grow their sense of feeling seen, valued, and heard and connect in ever deeper ways.
About the facilitator:
Sara Odicio is a licensed social worker and an adult adoptee who was adopted from an orphanage in China when she was 13 months old. Sara has worked with adoptive families since 2018 in various capacities including post permanency case management, parent education, mentoring, support group facilitating and clinical therapy. Through these opportunities, Sara felt challenged to engage with her own adoption journey on a deeper level. Sara founded CORE of Adoption, LLC in 2021 to combine her life experience, skillset and passion in supporting teen adoptees through coaching and support groups. Aside from CORE, Sara works in a local foster care and adoption agency as an outpatient therapist with the goal of earning her clinical license in social work. Sara currently resides in Lancaster County, PA with her husband Jared and two fluffy cats, Misty and Milo. She enjoys finding hole-in-the-wall food places, taking walks, deep and edifying conversations, and serving as a worship leader at her local church.
Intimately Acquainted: Reclaiming Connection, Friendship, and Pleasure With Your Spouse
We may know what it is to be in love; to share hopes, dreams, and desires with our spouse. But, life has a way of filling up and crowding out the deeper connection that many of us envisioned in our marriages. How do we build intimacy in the midst of life’s chaos and challenges? How do we find our way back to one another when seasons have changed us? How do we make space for pleasure in a world where “doing hard things” has become our way of life? Together, let’s unpack these questions and more as we reimagine our relationships with greater pleasure, connection, and desire.
About the facilitator:
Adriane Dimmitt and her husband Mike, have been married for 14 years, and together are raising four wild and wonderful children. As former foster parents, they know firsthand the struggle of staying connected in the midst of life’s demands. As a writer and speaker, Adriane is passionate about advocating for foster care, parenting children with neurological autoimmune issues, and grieving well. And, oh yes, she’s also passionate about having a marriage that gets better with age and helping others do the same! This year, Adriane has launched a new initiative, Redeeming Childhood, to better equip families facing behavioral and mental health struggles as a result of underlying autoimmune conditions. Her work has given her the privilege of connecting with many families as they pursue wellness for their children. Most days, you will find her at her dining room table, homeschooling her kids, taking long walks in the fields nearby, or dreaming up a new project with her husband.
We gave the 29 families in our Sparrow Family Care Grant program an invitation to enjoy a date night on us this month. It’s one small way we can care for them. We also created and offered them this resource of date night conversation prompts that we’re now sharing with all of you. We hope it can be a tool to prompt smiles, nods, listening noises, and a sense of togetherness.
We invite you to delight with us in the outpouring of financial support we have received for Giving Tuesday! We joyfully anticipate all the ways those dollars will help foster and adopted children and their grownups in 2024.
For us, Giving Tuesday has always been more vision-raising than fundraising. When we engage more people’s hearts with a shared vision, we are stronger in all the ways. Our mission is to care for foster and adopted children and their grownups by empowering relationships within and between families. It is our hope that as we share images and stories on Instagram and Facebook over the next 2 weeks, more people will embrace the vision for what are doing now and where we are headed as we care for families.
Our giving goal by Giving Tuesday on November 28th is $60,000: $20,000 for general operating needs so we can keep all of our lights on, $20,000 for our Sparrow Family Care Grant program currently supporting 29 families until they are home for a full year, and $20,000 for new opportunities because it has become more and more clear that we are being called to grow. To help us get there, a few generous, committed donors have pledged to match all gifts dollar-for-dollar up to $20,000. What that means is that whatever you give–small, medium, or large–will be doubled until we reach $20,000 to give us a strong start towards that $60,000 goal.
I remember her well. My 1st-grade self loved her big smile and her early 80s perm. Everyday, she’d stand by the classroom door at the end of the day and hug each of us as we ran to our grownup. I was excited to go to school everyday because of her and those hugs I could count on.
Touch is powerful. It makes neurons fire in our brain like the fourth of July. Touch is a remarkable tool to build relationship and connection. And, it’s something our children who have experienced hard things often have a hard time with. Some kids can’t get enough of it; some kids struggle to receive it at all. And when they struggle with giving and receiving touch one way or the other, we as parents often struggle along with them.
When our kids are small, we can hold them, literally “wear” them, sleep side-by-side, and guard moments of physical closeness to best build trust and connection. As small kids grow bigger, our strategies to help them give and receive appropriate physical touch have to grow with them. One way we can support our children in this area is to communicate clearly with other grownups who spend time with them how they can support our child and us.
Here are two examples. The first is a message parents of a child who seeks hugs and kisses could share with their child’s teacher. The second is a message parents of a child who resists giving and receiving affection could share with their child’s teacher. May they encourage and inspire you to communicate to the grownups around your family what your child and family needs.
Regarding a Child Who Seeks Physical Affection
Dear Mrs. Reid,
We’ve enjoyed all that Jenny has been sharing with us about her experiences at school so far. While the transition back to school hasn’t been all rainbows and unicorns, we’re encouraged by how well she (and we!) are doing.
Jenny has learned strategies to get what she needs. One of those strategies is through physical affection. It makes sense to us. Grownups typically respond readily to children when they put their arms up and when they want hugs or kisses. It works. We’ve been working hard to teach her better strategies than using physical affection to get what she needs.
At home, we communicate to her that we are always available and willing to give hugs and kisses but if there’s something she needs, she can use words and simply ask for it. We say things like, “You know, if you need something, all you have to do is ask!” Another thing we have been working on teaching her is that hugs and kisses are for family, and high fives and fist bumps are for everyone else. She is still learning appropriate boundaries. It would be really helpful to us if you reinforce that same message at school.
We are excited to experience all the ways she will learn and grow this year. And, we’re so glad to have you part of that.
Genuinely, —-
Regarding a Child Who Struggles to Give and Receive Physical Affection
Dear Mrs. Reid,
We’ve enjoyed all that Jenny has been sharing with us about her experiences at school so far. While the transition back to school hasn’t been all rainbows and unicorns, we’re encouraged by how well she (and we!) are doing.
Jenny has learned strategies to protect herself and lower stress. One of those strategies is avoiding giving and receiving physical affection. It makes sense to us. Physical touch often makes her feel vulnerable and, therefore, threatened. As her parents, we’ve been working hard to help her feel safe with us and intentionally practice giving and receiving touch, hugs, and kisses in safe and healthy ways so that she can experience them differently. We’ve also been very careful to guard that closeness, intentionally reserving physical affection to family only. We tell her that hugs and kisses are for family; high fives and fist bumps are for everyone else. It would be really helpful to us if you reinforce that same message at school.
We are excited to experience all the ways she will learn and grow this year. And, we’re so glad to have you part of that.
Edited from the original written in 2018 with her 9-year-old daughter in mind.
Parents talk about a lot of things with other parents; you know that. We talk while we drink coffee together; we talk on the phone; we talk back and forth on Facebook; we text, text, text—believe it or not, all of that can help us help each other learn how to be better parents. And, that’s a good thing, because we really do want to be better parents.
One of those things parents who have kids they adopted talk a lot about is something called attachment. It’s kind of a big word that refers to big things. And, big words that mean big things are often hard for us parents to explain to our kids.
But, you know what? I think we should try to explain it to you anyway. After all, you are the one who makes it important to us.
Try to imagine a baby… what do babies need? There are so many things, right?
Milk. Food. A blanket to keep them warm. Some place safe to sleep. Clothes. Medicine when they are sick. Diapers… and diaper changes!
Of all those things, what do they need most of all? A grown up! They can’t get any of those things they need by themselves. What do babies do when they need something? They cry. Crying is how babies say, “I need something! I need something! Something’s not just right.” And when a baby cries, a good mom or dad saves the day and brings a bottle of milk or a cozy blanket and then the baby is calm again.
Babies cry for milk when they are hungry or for a blanket when they are cold, but they cry about other things too. They might cry when there are crashes of thunder or when they see something for the first time and don’t know what it is and wonder if they are safe. They might cry when they feel lonely inside and just want to be held. After all, babies shouldn’t be alone. Every time they cry, it’s like they are saying, “Mama! Daddy! I need you! I don’t want to be alone! Make me feel better!” And when a baby cries, a good mom or dad saves the day and holds their baby tight and whispers in her ear, “It’s okay. You’re safe. I will take care of you.”
Crying then fixing. Crying then helping. Crying then making everything better.
Do you see that pattern? How many times do you think that pattern may happen every day for a baby? 5 times a day? 10 times a day? Try hundreds of times a day! So, so many times! When that pattern happens over and over again every day, a baby learns some super important things about who she is and how the world works. She learns that she matters and that big people take care of little people.
Not every baby gets a good start like this though. Some babies may cry to say, “I need something! I need something! Something’s not just right,” and no one comes right away to fix it.
Maybe when that little baby cries, sometimes grownups come and fix the problem and sometimes they don’t, making a pattern that is not really a pattern at all. That little baby might wonder about who he is and if he really matters and feel confused about how the world works.
Some babies may have had a big goodbye with the mommy whose belly they grew in and now other grownups are in charge of taking care of her. When she cries to say, “I need something! Help me!” a grownup comes and fixes the problem, but that grownup is one of a bunch of grownups who do that job. Her problems might get fixed — she gets fed, her diapers are changed, she gets wrapped in a blanket when she’s cold.
But, sometimes she’s helped by a nice lady with glasses who snuggles her a little before putting her back in her crib. Sometimes she’s helped by an older lady who gets the job done and doesn’t have time to give her anything extra. Sometimes she’s helped by someone who doesn’t like their job at all and has a strong-sounding voice. Sometimes she’s helped by someone who believes that baby is perfect and checks on her first.
Even though her problems are getting fixed, this pattern is confusing too… so confusing for a little baby. This baby may have a harder time learning that she matters and that she can trust with a deep-down kind of trust, that this world is a safe place, and that big people take care of little people.
God makes us to need each other. Did you know that God makes babies’ eyes only able to see about 12 inches away at first? When babies are nursing from their mamas or drinking a bottle, the distance between their eyes and their grownups’ eyes is 12 inches. So, a whole lot could be going on all around him, but a new baby is only able to focus on his mama’s or his daddy’s eyes.
It’s like God is saying to babies right from the start, “Psssttt… pay attention to this person. This grownup will be who helps you make sense of everything.”That’s attachment.
When that doesn’t go well for a little one, because the grownup doesn’t give that baby what he or she needs or the pattern is messy and confusing, as that baby grows into a little boy or a little girl, he or she might have a harder time than other kids with some things. It could be hard to let a grownup be in charge. It could be hard to give and receive help and affection. It could be hard to ask for what he or she needs. It could be hard to trust that he or she is safe. It could be hard to know deep down that you matter and that you are wonderful. There could be lots of hards for little kids and even for big kids who didn’t have the best attachment early on.
We’re still learning what your hards are… and what all my hards are too. I’m so glad that I get to be your grownup — not just a grownup who takes care of you but your grownup, here for good, your not-going-anywhere grownup. I wanna help you with all those hards and give you the best attachment I can – despite all those hards – so that you can learn you are the most wonderfulest wonderful and that you can rest because I want to and am able to take care of you.
