I remember her well. My 1st-grade self loved her big smile and her early 80s perm. Everyday, she’d stand by the classroom door at the end of the day and hug each of us as we ran to our grownup. I was excited to go to school everyday because of her and those hugs I could count on.
Touch is powerful. It makes neurons fire in our brain like the fourth of July. Touch is a remarkable tool to build relationship and connection. And, it’s something our children who have experienced hard things often have a hard time with. Some kids can’t get enough of it; some kids struggle to receive it at all. And when they struggle with giving and receiving touch one way or the other, we as parents often struggle along with them.
When our kids are small, we can hold them, literally wear them, sleep side-by-side, and guard moments of physical closeness to build trust and connection. As small kids grow bigger, our strategies to help them give and receive appropriate physical touch have to grow with them. One way we can support our children in this area is to communicate clearly with other grownups who spend time with them how they can support our child and us.
In the back-to-school season we’re in, here are two examples of messages to caring grownups around your child that might be helpful. The first is a message a parent of a child who seeks hugs and kisses could share with their child’s teacher or care provider. The second is a message a parent of a child who resists giving and receiving affection could share with their child’s teacher or care provider.
May they encourage and inspire you to communicate to the caring grownups around your family what your child and family needs.
Regarding a Child Who Seeks Physical Affection
Dear Mrs. Reid,
We’ve enjoyed all that Jenny has been sharing with us about her experiences at school so far. While the transition back to school hasn’t been all rainbows and unicorns, we’re encouraged by how well she (and we!) are doing.
Jenny has learned strategies to get what she needs. We’ve noticed that one of those strategies is asking for physical affection. It makes sense to us. Grownups typically respond readily to children when they put their arms up and when they want hugs or kisses. It works. While it’s very sweet, we’ve been working on teaching her other strategies to get what she needs.
At home, we communicate to her that we are always available and willing to give hugs and kisses but if there’s something she needs, she can use words and simply ask for it. We say things like, “You know, if you need something, all you have to do is ask!” Another thing we have been working on teaching her is that hugs and kisses are for family, and high fives and fist bumps are for everyone else. Boundaries are not an easy thing for her to learn! It would be really helpful to us if you offer her consistent messages at school. That may mean having to decline a hug which I know may be hard, but it would help us a lot if all the grownups around her help her with this.
We are excited to experience all the ways she will learn and grow this year. And, we’re so glad you are a part of that!
Genuinely, —-
Regarding a Child Who Struggles to Give and Receive Physical Affection
Dear Mrs. Reid,
We’ve enjoyed all that Jenny has been sharing with us about her experiences at school so far. While the transition back to school hasn’t been all rainbows and unicorns, we’re encouraged by how well she (and we!) are doing.
Jenny has learned strategies to protect herself and lower stress. We’ve noticed that one of those strategies is avoiding giving and receiving physical affection. It makes sense to us. Physical touch seems to make her feel vulnerable and threatened. As her parents, we’ve been working hard to help her feel safe with us. Part of that has involved practicing giving and receiving touch, hugs, and kisses so that she can experience them differently. We’ve also been very careful to guard that closeness, intentionally reserving physical affection to family only. We tell her that hugs and kisses are for family; high fives and fist bumps are for everyone else. It would be really helpful to us if you offer her consistent messages at school when appropriate.
We are excited to experience all the ways she will learn and grow this year. And, we’re so glad you are part of that!
Genuinely, —-
