I remember her well. My 1st-grade self loved her big smile and her early 80s perm. Everyday, she’d stand by the classroom door at the end of the day and hug each of us as we ran to our grownup. I was excited to go to school everyday because of her and those hugs I could count on. 

Touch is powerful. It makes neurons fire in our brain like the fourth of July. Touch is a remarkable tool to build relationship and connection. And, it’s something our children who have experienced hard things often have a hard time with. Some kids can’t get enough of it; some kids struggle to receive it at all. And when they struggle with giving and receiving touch one way or the other, we as parents often struggle along with them.

When our kids are small, we can hold them, literally “wear” them, sleep side-by-side, and guard moments of physical closeness to best build trust and connection. As small kids grow bigger, our strategies to help them give and receive appropriate physical touch have to grow with them. One way we can support our children in this area is to communicate clearly with other grownups who spend time with them how they can support our child and us. 

Here are two examples. The first is a message parents of a child who seeks hugs and kisses could share with their child’s teacher. The second is a message parents of a child who resists giving and receiving affection could share with their child’s teacher. May they encourage and inspire you to communicate to the grownups around your family what your child and family needs. 

Regarding a Child Who Seeks Physical Affection

Dear Mrs. Reid,

We’ve enjoyed all that Jenny has been sharing with us about her experiences at school so far. While the transition back to school hasn’t been all rainbows and unicorns, we’re encouraged by how well she (and we!) are doing. 

Jenny has learned strategies to get what she needs. One of those strategies is through physical affection. It makes sense to us. Grownups typically respond readily to children when they put their arms up and when they want hugs or  kisses. It works. We’ve been working hard to teach her better strategies than using physical affection to get what she needs.  

At home, we communicate to her that we are always available and willing to give hugs and kisses but if there’s something she needs, she can use words and simply ask for it. We say things like, “You know, if you need something, all you have to do is ask!” Another thing we have been working on teaching her is that hugs and kisses are for family, and high fives and fist bumps are for everyone else. She is still learning appropriate boundaries. It would be really helpful to us if you reinforce that same message at school. 

We are excited to experience all the ways she will learn and grow this year. And, we’re so glad to have you part of that. 

Genuinely, —-

Regarding a Child Who Struggles to Give and Receive Physical Affection

Dear Mrs. Reid,

We’ve enjoyed all that Jenny has been sharing with us about her experiences at school so far. While the transition back to school hasn’t been all rainbows and unicorns, we’re encouraged by how well she (and we!) are doing. 

Jenny has learned strategies to protect herself and lower stress. One of those strategies is avoiding giving and receiving physical affection. It makes sense to us. Physical touch often makes her feel vulnerable and, therefore, threatened. As her parents, we’ve been working hard to help her feel safe with us and intentionally practice giving and receiving touch, hugs, and kisses in safe and healthy ways so that she can experience them differently. We’ve also been very careful to guard that closeness, intentionally reserving physical affection to family only. We tell her that hugs and kisses are for family; high fives and fist bumps are for everyone else. It would be really helpful to us if you reinforce that same message at school. 

We are excited to experience all the ways she will learn and grow this year. And, we’re so glad to have you part of that. 

Genuinely, —-

Edited from the original written in 2018 with her 9-year-old daughter in mind.

Parents talk about a lot of things with other parents; you know that. We talk while we drink coffee together; we talk on the phone; we talk back and forth on Facebook; we text, text, text—believe it or not, all of that can help us help each other learn how to be better parents. And, that’s a good thing, because we really do want to be better parents. 

One of those things parents who have kids they adopted talk a lot about is something called attachment. It’s kind of a big word that refers to big things. And, big words that mean big things are often hard for us parents to explain to our kids. 

But, you know what? I think we should try to explain it to you anyway. After all, you are the one who makes it important to us. 

Try to imagine a baby… what do babies need? There are so many things, right?

Milk.
Food.
A blanket to keep them warm.
Some place safe to sleep.
Clothes.
Medicine when they are sick.
Diapers… and diaper changes! 

Of all those things, what do they need most of all? A grown up! They can’t get any of those things they need by themselves. What do babies do when they need something? They cry. Crying is how babies say, “I need something! I need something! Something’s not just right.” And when a baby cries, a good mom or dad saves the day and brings a bottle of milk or a cozy blanket and then the baby is calm again. 

Babies cry for milk when they are hungry or for a blanket when they are cold, but they cry about other things too. They might cry when there are crashes of thunder or when they see something for the first time and don’t know what it is and wonder if they are safe. They might cry when they feel lonely inside and just want to be held. After all, babies shouldn’t be alone. Every time they cry, it’s like they are saying, “Mama! Daddy! I need you! I don’t want to be alone! Make me feel better!” And when a baby cries, a good mom or dad saves the day and holds their baby tight and whispers in her ear, “It’s okay. You’re safe. I will take care of you.” 

Crying then fixing.
Crying then helping.
Crying then making everything better.

Do you see that pattern? How many times do you think that pattern may happen every day for a baby? 5 times a day? 10 times a day? Try hundreds of times a day! So, so many times! When that pattern happens over and over again every day, a baby learns some super important things about who she is and how the world works. She learns that she matters and that big people take care of little people. 

Not every baby gets a good start like this though. Some babies may cry to say, “I need something! I need something! Something’s not just right,” and no one comes right away to fix it. 

Maybe when that little baby cries, sometimes grownups come and fix the problem and sometimes they don’t, making a pattern that is not really a pattern at all. That little baby might wonder about who he is and if he really matters and feel confused about how the world works. 

Some babies may have had a big goodbye with the mommy whose belly they grew in and now other grownups are in charge of taking care of her. When she cries to say, “I need something! Help me!” a grownup comes and fixes the problem, but that grownup is one of a bunch of grownups who do that job. Her problems might get fixed — she gets fed, her diapers are changed, she gets wrapped in a blanket when she’s cold. 

But, sometimes she’s helped by a nice lady with glasses who snuggles her a little before putting her back in her crib.
Sometimes she’s helped by an older lady who gets the job done and doesn’t have time to give her anything extra.
Sometimes she’s helped by someone who doesn’t like their job at all and has a strong-sounding voice.
Sometimes she’s helped by someone who believes that baby is perfect and checks on her first. 

Even though her problems are getting fixed, this pattern is confusing too… so confusing for a little baby. This baby may have a harder time learning that she matters and that she can trust with a deep-down kind of trust, that this world is a safe place, and that big people take care of little people. 

God makes us to need each other. Did you know that God makes babies’ eyes only able to see about 12 inches away at first? When babies are nursing from their mamas or drinking a bottle, the distance between their eyes and their grownups’ eyes is 12 inches. So, a whole lot could be going on all around him, but a new baby is only able to focus on his mama’s or his daddy’s eyes. 

It’s like God is saying to babies right from the start, “Psssttt… pay attention to this person. This grownup will be who helps you make sense of everything.” That’s attachment. 

When that doesn’t go well for a little one, because the grownup doesn’t give that baby what he or she needs or the pattern is messy and confusing, as that baby grows into a little boy or a little girl, he or she might have a harder time than other kids with some things. It could be hard to let a grownup be in charge. It could be hard to give and receive help and affection. It could be hard to ask for what he or she needs. It could be hard to trust that he or she is safe. It could be hard to know deep down that you matter and that you are wonderful. There could be lots of hards for little kids and even for big kids who didn’t have the best attachment early on. 

We’re still learning what your hards are… and what all my hards are too. I’m so glad that I get to be your grownup — not just a grownup who takes care of you but your grownup, here for good, your not-going-anywhere grownup. I wanna help you with all those hards and give you the best attachment I can – despite all those hards – so that you can learn you are the most wonderfulest wonderful and that you can rest because I want to and am able to take care of you.

When things feel hard, it feels good to hear that we’re going to be okay. Your grownups can tell you. That’s good. But, what might be even better is if your grownups tell you and help you be able to say it yourself.

There’s a book I like for helping kids use words to share what feels hard and for figuring out things that could make it feel less hard. The words are pretty easy to read; you could read it yourself. But, I think it’s best when Moms or Dads read it with their kiddos, because when it’s time to talk about what it’s like for that kid and what that kid could do, more brains working together are better than one.

Here’s a video of the book with me flipping the pages for you to read together. One friend told me I went a little too fast sometimes (oops!). But, it’s okay; you can just pause the video so that you can read it as slowly as you like.

Here’s a video I made of me reading it too, just for fun.

Once you’ve read the book, think together about what feels hard to you. Maybe you could print some copies of this page (like as many as you want) and make your own “I will be okay” book with your grownup.

If you do and you want to share it, I’d love to see it. Sharing how we are figuring things out is good for everybody!

Kelly Raudenbush founded The Sparrow Fund along with her husband Mark in 2011 and launched Project Puppy Love, a canine-assisted therapy program for foster and adoptive families in June 2018. As a child and family therapist, Kelly has a particular interest in (a) encouraging and empowering parents who are struggling to attach with their children, (b) helping parents walk with their children as they process their stories, (c) helping couples continue to pursue each other and grow together while they parent their children as a team, and (d) training and empowering orphanage staff in China to build relationships with children and each other. Kelly and Mark have been married since 1998 and have 3 biological children and 1 daughter who was adopted as a toddler from China in 2010. You can contact Kelly directly at kellyraudenbush@sparrowfund.org.

Whenever someone hears about Louie for the first time, they perk up.

Really? You use him in therapy with foster and adoptive families? That’s so cool.

We usually talk a bit about the whole training process and how I got interested in all this to begin with. And, then I’m usually asked something to the effect of…

So, what exactly does he do?

Louie and I were invited last week to visit a camp session at Paws & Affection where kids were spending their days with service dogs in training and learning about the field. The staff sent me a list of questions and prompts they hoped I’d address as I talked about my experience as a facility dog handler and having Louie as a co-therapist. Of course, in that list was a question like the one that nearly always is asked—what exactly does he do? How does he make a difference?

I wish I could create a scene where Louie and I could sit with a whole bunch of you circled around us, and I could tell you how having him for a short time already has made a difference and let you experience it yourselves even if just a little.

So, circle up. This isn’t the same, but it’s still an opportunity to be together in a way. And, I’m taking it.

A couple months into Project Puppy Love, I’ve noticed some distinct ways Louie is making a difference everyday on the job.

• • He is fun – therapy should be fun. It shouldn’t be something that makes families’ hearts sink when they see it on their calendars. It’s work, yes, but it should be something that smiles families into smiling too. I try to be fun, but I’m not nearly as fun as a puppy (and I’m okay with that). Being greeted with a classic golden-retriever smile and tail wag and starting with a game of hide-and-seek just makes the work we do here fun and makes kids and parents alike more likely to want to come and come again.
  • He makes hard things easier – A few weeks ago, an upset tummy earned Louie a sick day. A little girl who came with her dad that day was disappointed to not see him and beautifully articulated a reason why: “Louie helps me focus because he keeps my hands busy.” The fancy way to say that is that he promotes self-regulation in the repeated motion of petting and the sensory input of long soft fur and of deep pressure when he lays his head or whole body on people’s laps. But, there are other ways he makes hard things easier. For example, I’ve noticed how much easier it is for kids—particularly teenagers—to talk about hard things when they are able to focus attention on Louie and have their parents and me gazing at him too instead of at them. He seems to bring more words and feelings out, and that’s important.
  • He magnifies our soft sides – Puppies bring out our high-pitch baby voice and gentleness. It’s science. And, I’ve witnessed that here. I’ve seen parents’ eyes grow wide as they see softness in their child that they didn’t know was there. And, I’ve seen children’s jaws drop as they see softness in their parents that they didn’t notice before. And, that’s been a good thing because it shows them both that it’s in there and that with a little bit of watering and intention, we can grow it to be seen more and more (and directed towards people!).
  • He gives us opportunities to work on what we’re working on – His fun tricks to show his expression of our feeling words (mad, sad, glad, and scared) does seem to encourage kids to be brave and express their own. But, what I’ve noticed as more meaningful than his performance is a families’ mutual enjoyment of his performance. The shared experience of ooo-ing and ahhh-ing and giggling together in response when Louie closes himself in the bathroom to show mad builds connection between moms, dads, and kids. And, building connection is a big deal around here. Beyond mutual enjoyment, Louie gives us lots to talk about that always seems to align well with what we (both kids and parents) need to talk about—things like impulse control, giving and receiving affection, asking for and getting what we need, letting someone else be in charge, making compromises, understanding others by noticing body language, navigating choices, and handling mistakes.

It still feels new to have Louie on The Sparrow Fund team joining me in the therapy room and joining us during events here at the office. I’m still learning how to do my job and help him do his. And, he’s still learning how to do his job and help me do mine. That’s a good thing. We’re learning together. As we do, it feels really good to have people circling up around us—campers, donors, families, and cheerleaders.

– Kelly (and Louie)

Louie has a voice on Instagram.
Check it out. Have your kids check it out.
@ProjectPuppyLove

Project Puppy Love is the first attachment-based canine-assisted therapy program for foster and adopted kids in the Philly area. In order to launch the program, we have been raising designated funds and borrowed funds from our other programs’s funds. We are currently running at a significant deficit. If you want to help so we can get back in black AND fund a training this Spring so we can do this work better, we invite you to click the little yellow button below to give. It’ll take you right to our PayPal account.

Kelly Raudenbush founded The Sparrow Fund along with her husband Mark in 2011. In addition to serving families through The Sparrow Fund, Kelly works part time as a therapist at the Attachment & Bonding Center of PA. Kelly has a particular interest in (a) encouraging and empowering parents who are struggling to attach with their children, (b) helping parents walk with their children as they process their stories, (c) helping couples continue to pursue each other and grow together while they parent their children as a team, and (d) training and empowering orphanage staff in China to build relationships with children and each other. Kelly and Mark have been married since 1998 and have 3 biological children and 1 daughter who was adopted as a toddler from China in 2010. You can learn more about their journey on Kelly’s personal blog. You can contact Kelly directly at kraudenbush@sparrow-fund.org.