To topple the “stronghold of our experiences” we must “let God be found true, though every man be found a liar” (Romans 3:4). The only One who has a right to shape our lives is Jesus Christ. We must determine to allow nothing and no one to shape us, not even our personal experiences, unless they are consistent with the promises of God. In truth, who is ruling our lives, God or our experiences?
Francis Frangipane, The Three Battlefields
Who is this child?
I heard once that personhood can be defined in three parts: (1) Identity, (2) Acceptance, (3) Approval. This intrigued me, as I have become increasingly convinced that our precious adopted children’s wholeness and healing directly correlates with their understanding and belief in who they are. Do you remember what God the Father said about Jesus when He was baptized? “This is (1) My Son, (2) My Beloved, (3) In Whom I Delight!” (Matthew 3:17) Jesus received this public affirmation from His Father–his identity as a son of his Father, his acceptance as one who is loved, and the approving delight of his Father. When we ask the question, “Who is this child?” as parents, we have the opportunity to partner with the Holy Spirit to see God’s eternal purposes manifested in his or her life, going way past the surface issues of behavior into the depth of their identity in Christ.
What is God Seeing? What is God Saying?
My favorite example of this is found in the story of Gideon (Judges 6)– I love this story! There is Gideon threshing wheat in secret, hiding in a wine press so that the Midianite enemy can’t steal it from him. And then the Angel of the Lord shows up and says, “The Lord is with you, you mighty man of valor.” Notice, Gideon is not even wearing armor, he has no sword, he is hiding in justified fear–there is nothing about him that would indicate that he is indeed a “might man of valor.” What in the world was God thinking?! More importantly, what was God seeing?
Facts or Truth?
Do you see the huge gap between the Word of the Lord and the facts at hand?! There is a disturbing and direct opposition between God’s words and what can be seen at the present moment. In this situation it is key to recognize the difference between facts and truth. Facts are simply an accurate description of a circumstance. Facts change, but Truth–God’s Word–remains.
How often do we look at our children and see only a repeated negative behavior or character trait. We must look to who they are in the Spirit. Notice, God did not say, “You will be a mighty man of valor once I finish my work in you.” I don’t know about you, but to me it almost feels like God made a mistake here. But rather, I think what is going on is that God saw something in Gideon in the Spirit, something that had not yet manifested but was, nevertheless, TRUE. Also, let’s take note that God did not attack him with words like, “Gideon, you are a gutless wimp. Shape up here.” As with Jesus, God spoke out loud into Gideon his identity in the very midst of the facts that spoke as loud as any words, “Fearful, not Mighty.”
Calling Forth the Treasure
Part of our role as fathers and mothers is to speak WORDS OF LIFE and TRUTH
If a commission by an earthly king is considered a honor, how can a commission by a Heavenly King be considered a sacrifice?
-David Livingstone
I just stumbled on this quote on a website. I fell in love. It SO spoke to my heart. It was the balm God had intended to soothe this soul.
You see, yesterday we were given a little peek into an opposing view. It seems that at least one person out there believes we are “ruining Raegan’s and Alex’s lives” by adopting our littles. I probably don’t have to tell you that this Momma-Bear got hot in a hurry! Thankfully, my awesome husband broke this news to me when we were tucked safely in our home alone.
It’s not that I expect the whole world to agree with us, hardly. I know there will be those who think we’ve lost it, and I am fine with that. These words though, these words hurt. Deep. They hurt because our littles may not be ours legally yet, but they are ours in our hearts. You don’t mess with my babies and this felt like an attack not on me or us, but on my babies. Even typing this out my blood starts pumping faster within these veins of mine.
We’ve heard other lunacy of course as we’ve been on this journey. Satan has effectively put the blinders on many people, which is a huge part of the reason there continues to be an orphan crisis around the world if you ask me.
Alright, this all brings me back to the Livingstone quote above. Why is it that this is EXACTLY how so many consider serving the God of the Universe? Begrudgingly. Sacrificially. Moaning and groaning and sad faces. Yes, the Lord calls us to hard places sometimes. Yes, He calls us to leave things behind. Yes, He changes the landscape of our lives. Yes, He grows us and nurtures us and loves us. He disciplines us and disciples us. Sometimes change, growth, discipline is painful. None of it happens out of anything other than His LOVE for us. None of it.
Please don’t ever look on anything our family is doing as sacrifice to God. It is privilege. It is our honor to serve alongside our Jesus. It is our awesome privilege to walk this path of faith with God. Do me a favor and look on our journey with awe, but not sympathy. Regardless of the road ahead it is all because of LOVE. His love for us and our love for Him and His…and the ones He entrusts to our care whether by biological means, legal means, or just pure and simple heartstrings.
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Chasity Cole
Chasity is a daughter of the Father, a wife to her soulmate, and mother to 2 children by birth and 2 by heart strings whom they are in the process of adopting very soon. She blogs about life, faith, adoption, orphans, and the occasional random rambling at All Things His.
Izabella is starting to figure out babies come from a Mommy’s tummy. She first started noticing this when we were at church during Christmas–she calls her “Mommy Mary.” Then she’s says, “You Mommy Lisa.” Pretty precious.
But, the other day, she came upstairs holding her baby oh-so-tenderly and with the sweetest, soft little voice, she began this conversation with me.
I: Mommy. I had a baby. My baby come from my tummy. Isn’t she beautiful!
M: Oh yes! She’s very pretty Izabella.
I: Mommy you have baby in your tummy?
M: No. I didn’t grow any babies in my tummy.
I: Izabella in your tummy.
M: No. You grew in your China Mommy’s tummy.
I: Oh. I grew in your heart. China Mommy tummy.
I have never felt a “void” for not having bio children. Never even a pinge of disappointment. It’s not that I didn’t want to have children. I wanted a family. I just never thought that meant giving birth to a child. I always wanted to adopt, and that was as exciting to me as anything, if not more. I will say, the roller coaster ride we were on when we tried to get pregnant early in our marriage was not fun. But that wasn’t disappointment about not being pregnant each month as much as it was the thought of not being a mom at all. As Dan was so opposed to adoption at that time.
BUT, for some reason, this question, coming from this precious little girl–looking up at me with those dreamy brown eyes, holding her little beautiful baby doll I got her for Christmas touched me in a very deep way. It was as if I was hit with a JOLT of reality, as the words poured out in answer, “No. I didn’t grow any babies in my tummy.” Brings a tear to my eye now just writing this. Oh goodness!! I thought to myself, “Wow. I never grew a baby in my tummy. AND I never will.” Good thing Izabella was sitting next to me, or I might have melted into a complete emotional wreck right then and there. Good thing the question came from the lips of the most precious thing I’ve ever met–even if I didn’t grow her in my tummy. God is good to have delivered this jolt of reality from such a beautiful source of love–His gift to us–her.
Deep breath, exhale, and on with our evening. In the coming days, she started asking at least once a day, usually at bedtime. “Mommy, did you ever hold me like this?” As she cradles her arms together as if to cradle a tiny baby. This conversation is equally as difficult…although I think for me more than her.
Then a few days ago, I was cradling her in my arms, like “my baby.” And I realized I do this a lot. And often when I do it, she will talk and act like a baby. And, I have to admit, I love her complete submission to me in those moments as I look in her eyes and tell her how very much I love her and kiss her forehead sweetly. She coos like a baby then is up and off doing her toddler thing.
Recently, we were doing this and instead of running off–she locked eyes with me. She stared at me for what seemed an hour but was probably more like 15 minutes. All the while, I watched her scan my face with the most blank look. As if she was taking in every detail of my face. I couldn’t look away. It was as if I was hypnotized by her face, her look.
She’s done this before for brief moments–always memorable, but this one will remain so clear in my heart.
Next time she asks me if I cradled her like a baby. I will tell her, “Yes, and I will do so until you’re a very old woman if I can.”
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Lisa Arndt
Lisa had the spirit of adoption laid on her heart the young age of 13 and longed to be a mom all her life. After meeting Dan at age 39, they married and began life as a couple in 1999. In 2007, with no children yet, a desire to have a family and the dream to be an adoptive mom to fulfill–they started their journey to grow a family–through international adoption. And God delivered their dream in the sweetest, most joyfully spirited, compassionate, and courageous little girl from Shaanxi, China they named Izabella Daniellei. Lisa feels passionately about following God’s plan for her, her family, her friends, and the miracle of adoption. She is a freelance graphic designer with an in-home design studio that has blessed her with the ability to be a stay-at-home mom. Dan is a big hearted, Harley riding, heavy equipment operator who’s completely in love with his new family of 3. Izabella rocks their world to levels they never knew possible–as evidenced in their family blog.
I don’t know anything about Jaydn’s biological father. The only information we have about her first 5 months of life (aka pre-orphanage) involve her biological mom alone. I don’t know if her bio father was a presence or a stranger, and I don’t think Jaydn will ever remember either. That is just one of the mysteries we have to learn to live with the tension of when you adopt a child. There are just some questions that will never be answered.
But as Father’s Day approaches, my attention doesn’t turn in the direction of Jaydn’s biological father but to the Father to the Fatherless. He has been providing for her needs long before she could ever know she needed it. As far as she knew, there was no male role model in her life. No one was there to show her respect and authority in a loving manner. She didn’t have a male presence that represented honor and strength combined with tenderness and support. But, behind the scenes of her precious little life, God was grooming a man to fill that void in her future world. He knew that eventually she would need a hand to hold and a lap to crawl into that represented all God was to her. So for years, even before she was born, God began growing a love for Jaydn in the heart of a small-town Kentucky boy who would one day have the courage to get on a plane and change both of their lives forever.
The grimace on Jaydn’s face when we saw her for the first time was so harsh. Her eyes avoided contact while her hand reached out for a comforting touch. “Who are these Mzungus [white people] and why are they here to see me?” she must have thought. It was clear the idea of us being her parents was far from her comprehension or desire in that moment. As the day continued on, she would let us hold her but any facial expression other than that original of complete anger was not being shown to us. We shared a meal with the mamas and other children and talked for hours but then it was nap time. I use that term loosely b/c my version of nap time is much stricter than the orphanage’s version was. Basically, it was just time for the kids to stay in the building for a while. Something in Nathan “clicked” during that section of time, and he sought Jaydn out. He went into her room and to the side of her bed and started tickling her. After a few times, the sweetest sound I had ever heard came to kiss my ears… laughter.
Our daughter was laughing!!! Nathan, being the comedian that he is, made silly faces and played peek a boo and did everything he could to keep this once angry, eye-contact-avoiding little girl laughing! Soon the whole room was erupting in playful noises and chuckles-it was such a joyful scene to observe from the lens of my video camera. But, then…it happened. Nathan ducked out of the room and hid from Jaydn’s sight and she called out for him, “DADDY??!” The tears poured from my eyes as I witnessed my daughter identifying the man in front of her, making her laugh as the man who would provide for her, lead her, and comfort her in the days ahead. Nathan came around the corner, “Did you hear that!? She called me Daddy!!” I couldn’t speak I was in such awe of the moment. It was as if God’s strategic intersecting of her need for a Father and Nathan’s desire to represent the Gospel message to the world could finally be heard through those 5 little letters D-A-D-D-Y. My daughter’s first word was “daddy.” Nathan represented everything that term of endearment was meant to imply, and she knew it!
So, I don’t know anything about Jaydn’s biological father, but I know a lot about her heavenly one and even more about her earthly one in Nathan. God handpicked Nathan to be Jaydn’s daddy. I know that she couldn’t have had a better man appointed to teach her leadership through sacrifice and obedience through love. This Father’s Day, we celebrate the remarkable example God gives us of unconditional love as our own personal Abba and also Jaydn’s first year of knowing, through tangible experience, how loved she has always been by her Daddy’s. Happy Father’s Day!
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Bethany Gaddis
I have been married going on 8 years to a worship pastor, a rock star, and the most involved and intentional dad I have ever seen! Together, we have the privilege of parenting three amazing children (Jaxon- 5 1/2, Jovie, 2 1/2, and Jaydn 2). Jaydn recently came to us through adoption from Uganda, Africa. We just moved to Little Rock, Arkansas, but I am a west-coast girl at heart. I enjoy photography, adventure recreation, and teaching high-school students about the most important decision they could ever make: to follow Jesus.
I guess since it is getting pretty close to Fathers Day, it would be a great time to reminisce and pontificate over the roles and impact fathers can have on their family. It would also be a great time to dig out a dictionary and look up what the word pontificate really means. Because really, I just used it ‘cuz it sounded good.
There was once a young man standing in a SuperStore store pacing nervously back and forth just outside of the dirty grungy washroom. He looked to be the age of 16, but in truth was probably closer to 20. His distant stare shifted back between the $4.95 Timex SPORT watch on his wrist and the light green door with peeling paint and a slightly off centered iconic woman embossed in white, against a plastic background.
Elsewhere, a slightly older gentleman was sitting in an office, staring at a pile of paper. Government stamps abounded on the paperwork and his hand was slightly tired from signing so many pieces of paper covered in words to which he was still trying to come to terms with. His focused gaze calmed moved from paper to wife sitting beside him – staring at the same stack of papers, with the same questions racing through her head as his.
Slowly the peeling green door started to open. A slightly older woman a little heavy set begins to step out and is startled by the wild eyed young man who instinctively moved towards the door when it opened. As his face fell from the disapproving eyes of the older woman, he noticed a slight figure slip out from behind her. His face lifted as the slight figure was the very reason he had been pacing for the last 20 minutes, as if waiting for the world to change. Her green eyes met his, and in a fluster she grabbed his hand and started walking out from the washroom area as fast as she could without breaking into a sprint.
The slightly older gentleman reached across the table to hold the hand of his wife reassuringly. She smiled slightly and shook her head as if to say “We are crazy for even trying this. Everyone thinks so.” With a confident smile he reassures her that this is the right decision, and that despite what friends, family, and even their own doubts think, this is the right decision.
Racing for the doors, the young disheveled man finally plants his feet as asks the only question which can quell his racing mind. “Are you pregnant?” he asks. The young girl nods her head as they stand staring at each other knowing their whole world has changed…hopefully, for the better. “Only thing we can do now, is wait,” the young man offers as if to provide a small measure of reassurance to a terrified young woman.
The social worker interrupts the silent conversation the gentleman was having with his wife. The type of conversation which can only be had by two people who had been married for over 15 years and gone though life together as if they truly were but one person. “All done, you are ready to adopt! All that is left now is to wait,” the social worker offers, as if to provide a small measure of reassurance to a hopeful couple, wanting desperately to hold onto an old dream, almost forgotten, and almost given up on.
Time passes for both couples. Both men struggle to come to terms with what it means to be a father and husband. One young and full of blind optimism and confidence that all things can be overcome, lacking in wisdom or any real parenting skills of which to speak. The older gentleman, well versed in parenting theology, having consumed many books on the subject matter, yet lacking in wisdom or any real parenting skills of which so speak.
However, as time marches on, both fathers can be found each night walking their new baby girls.
A tiny blond girl in the arms of her young father, feeling safe in his strong arms as he sings Aerosmith rock ballads to her before laying her down in their bed by her exhausted mother. Praying over his new baby girl, she drifts of to sleep.
In the aged arms of the other father rests a slightly larger daughter with black hair, brown eyes, and a very different complexion. While she begins to come to terms with her new life, and leaving everything she once knew a half world away, she finds peace in the strong arms of her newly found father who gently sings Steven Curtis Chapman to her and lays her down with a prayer and a kiss as she drifts off to sleep.
Now, it may be shocking… okay, not really, I’m sure you’ve figured out the story by now… but, just so the younger readers can follow along, I am both Dads.
Our first pregnancy was not exactly planned. I mean, we were married already, had a 700-square-foot apartment which we paid $419 a month for – but had just bought a one-bedroom condo and a two-door car. I wasn’t even in school and had no real education to speak of. We had just decided to wait 3 to 5 years before having children. And, yes, we really did run to the closest SuperStore and bought a pregnancy test. The wife ran into the Women’s Washroom (she wasn’t gonna wait for us to walk ALL the way home) and peed on the stick while I paced back and forth for what seemed like an eternity.
Three biological children later, we started adopting. Our first child is home from China, and our second is still waiting for us, hopefully coming home this fall. Getting these children into the family was a little more…deliberate. Adoption dosn’t seem to happen by “accident.” I have not run across anyone who said to me, “I don’t know what happened. My wife and I were at home just filling out paper work and BAM! 27 Months later, a kid showed up! Dang, I should have used a pencil!”
In the end though, all my children know they are loved, growing, bright, confident and exactly where God wants them to be. Which means, I must be the father God had chosen for them…for some reason…I don’t always see that reason though. But, if I follow Gods leading in this journey of parenthood…then I can be a good father.
There is no wrong time to become a father, nor is there right or wrong way to become a father…if you are called to be a father, then you know what, be a father. Don’t worry about being a perfect father…just be a good father.
So, to all you Fathers out there (or soon to be)…good on ya! Cherish every moment you have with your children, however they came into your life, because they will be gone far too soon.
How a father is made is not nearly as important as what the father is made of.
Keep your sticks on the ice, and go hug a child… hopefully, one of yours. If not one of yours, ask permission first.
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Adrian Berzenji
Adrian and Roberta have been married for over 13 years. They
Originally posted about 8 months ago as Rachel waited…
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When we started our adoption process, I used to cringe at the thought of being gone for so long when we travel to get Amelia. At least 5 weeks without Caroline. At least 3 weeks without my husband, trying to fare with a new baby in a very foreign place. While part of me romanticized Africa, another part knew how difficult my time would be.
I still realize it will be difficult. I am sure it could be one of the more lonely periods of my life. I have heard that many fellow adoptive parents become depressed by the end of trips that go on for weeks or more, especially when they are separated from children and spouses in a place that so lacks familiarity with home.
I have thought about this trip for a year and a half
Originally written May 11th, 2011 as Christi and Dan prepared to travel 2 days later to meet their son in Ethiopia.
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Sweet Boy
Sweet boy,
We leave in 23 hours to come meet you for the first time. To say we are excited is SUCH an understatement. We love you so much already, and we haven’t even met. It’s really incredible how God can bond our hearts together in this way… you’ll learn that as you grow older. He’s done the same thing along this journey with so many believers across the globe. We’ve been encouraged so much as we pursued you and worked to bring you home…and you’ve been prayed for by so many! It’s really incredible!
Our hearts are literally pounding out of our chests in anticipation for seeing your sweet face for the first time. We pray that you aren’t scared and that you feel the love we have for you, sweet boy. Oh, I just can’t wait to hold your little hands and kiss your sweet lips. When we look at pictures of you that so many sweet friends have sent us, we just melt. Your daddy and I lay in bed at night talking about how amazing you are and staring at your pictures!
I just have to tell you how much your daddy loves you! We went for a walk late last night cause momma had cleaned every nook and cranny of our home and straightened your clothes 3 times and was still energized, and he just kept telling me how amazing it was that God brought you to our family. We reminisced about our conversations of children when we dated at 18 and 19 years of age. You see, as we prayed for when the Lord would bring children into our home; daddy felt very clearly that it would be several years. For some reason, he always said it would be 7 years. Momma kinda cringed sometimes as he would say that, because I so longed to hold you in my arms. But, your sweet daddy reminded me last night that had we not waited on the Lord’s timing, we wouldn’t be leaving tomorrow to meet you!
As we inched towards 5 years of marriage, your mommas heart was BROKEN for children in need. I flew home from Guatemala and told your daddy that I KNEW the Lord wanted us to adopt. Daddy was a little scared at first, but God soon changed his heart too. So, that day, Christmas of 2009, we looked over a packet of information we had received as we drove to Grandma’s to celebrate the birth of Jesus, and we both cried. It was that same cry I will cry each time you are hurting! God spoke so clearly to our hearts that day. He told us that YOU were in Ethiopia waiting for us!
Just a few days later, we started the paperwork process to bring you home! We worked so diligently and stayed up many nights filling out paperwork as we felt this sense of urgency that you needed us. As we continued on this journey of faith, there were many times that we weren’t quite sure why it was taking so long. However, on February 17th, 2011, God reminded us of His sovereignty as our agency called to tell us that they had you, our son! And, we wouldn’t have it any other way.
Waiting for you has been difficult at times. But, as I write to you today, sweet boy, I can finally say that we are coming! And, you remember how I mentioned that daddy said 7 years? Well, our 7th year anniversary is just 13 days after we will meet you for the first time.
You, sweet child, are SUCH a blessing from the Lord! We love you so much and will do our best to raise you up in the ways of the Lord. You are loved by SO many, and they are all anticipating your arrival. We anticipate no lack of love in your life!
As I walk by your room each night on the way to ours, I can’t help but peek in your crib, close my eyes, and dream of the day that you are in that crib. I think you’re going to get sick of mommy staring at you all the time while you sleep! I promise I’ll be really quiet when I sneak out of bed and over to your crib each night, and I’m sure that daddy will find me sleeping on the floor next to your crib more than once! Feel free to wake up during the night, just so I can stare in those beautiful eyes and hold your sweet hands.
I wish I could put into words the miracle you are! You see, God knew your name before the creation of the world. Only He knows the plans for your life, and we are SO humbled that God would call us to be your mommy and daddy and for the way that He has shown us His love in this journey. You’ve changed so many hearts already, and I can’t wait to see you shine for Jesus!
I’ll see you in 48 hours, buddy!
Love,
Momma
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Christi Ucherek
Dan and Christi Ucherek have been married for 7 years and live in Central Illinois. They are currently waiting to bring home their 20-month-old son from Ethiopia, whom they just met mid May. After spending time serving in orphanages in the Dominican Republic and Guatemala, Christi knew the Lord was calling her and Dan to adopt. Shortly after, God worked in Dan’s heart, and they began the adoption process of little ‘A’ in January of 2010 and are hoping to have him home this June or July. They are truly blessed by serving with Lifesong for Orphans, where Christi is the program coordinator.
Measuring.
We do it all the time.
I could go on a tear about how we as Americans do it, with everything, but that might be a whole ‘nother post…and the point is that we do it consciously or unconsciously…ALL THE TIME.
But, let’s stay focused: as parents we measure…what? Everything, right? Right!
And no matter how you became a parent, you still measure everything…right?
Hmmm. Think maybe not? Consider.
If you are having a baby (meaning you are pregnant and are gonna literally give birth to a child), from the very moment you find out you are pregnant, there you are: measuring.
You count the days since your last period; you measure how many weeks along you are;
Concluding this series today, I thought I’d post about why we’d do adoption again, particularly international adoption, if God let us. Of course, He just might. But, that’s really up to Him and a discussion to be had later.
First comes the question about money. Money wasn’t an issue when we adopted our little peanut. For our part, I’ll say that we had a few people contribute to the cause, but we also worked really hard on saving for it. It was an expensive process, well over $20,000. That’s a lot of dough. But, God provided. My lovely wife worked some extra, we cut back some, and it came together. Amen. We’re also seeing some of that come back now through the adoption tax credit. Amen to that too. I know others who have struggled significantly. I don’t want to deny that or denigrate them. I will tell you that God provides. Faithful is He who calls you, and He will bring it to pass (1 Thessalonians 5.24). We held tightly to that Truth for so many things through this process.
Second, we’d do it again because through adoption, we changed the world. I don’t mean that in some triumphal, conquering, slam-dunk sort of way. We’re way more humbled by the process than I imagined. But, I also know with great confidence that there’s a little girl sitting in the next room who’s eating breakfast with her brother that this same morning would’ve woken up next to another kid, been untied from her crib, fed porridge because she couldn’t have fed herself, and played the day away with 20 others in a room supervised by 2 nannies. Just now, she walked in having gone to the potty and letting me know that she pulled her big girl undies up “all by myshelf.” It’s not that we changed the entire world. But, we changed it for her and for us and for our sons, our extended family, our church family, our neighbors, and, Lord willing, our grandkids and generations of Hendersons to come.
Third, the need isn’t going away. According to my cool friend, Jon Singletary, there are 120,000 adoptable kids in the U.S. How about this one: 3,000,000 kids in the world ready to adopt. The need isn’t going away. We chose China because it seems about 1,000,000 of those are in China.
Lastly, our family is better because of it. I know some of you walked through the adoption with us, and you saw the sanctifying process that we went through and, hopefully, are seeing its fruit in our lives. I know I can. Perspective. Patience (?). Trust. Compassion. Gospel. Selflessness (?). Love.
I don’t know if God will let us adopt again. I don’t know if He’ll let you adopt. But, it’s amazing.
But that’s just me thinking thoughts…
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Trent Henderson
Trent is the husband of the amazing Ginny and father to the thoughtful Jack, adventurous Sam, and hilarious Ruthie Mei. He also serves as pastor to the saints of Heritage Park Baptist Church near NASA in Houston. He tries to say something worthwhile in his preaching and at his blog. Feel free to go check it out.
