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From an Adoptive Sister

Go back to August of 2005. I was a 10-year-old girl. I was happy with my life. I loved my family; life was good. I had a mom, dad, and two biological brothers. When my Mom and Dad had just gotten married, my Dad mentioned international adoption to my Mom. She thought it was a crazy idea at the time. She wanted a boy and a girl, better known as “the average American Family.” My Mom went to a spa day that my Dad had gotten her for Mother’s Day but she had put off going. God had a plan. She finally went, and the woman who did her massage talked about her China adoption and how beautiful and wonderful it was. God planted a seed. When my Mom left the spa she called my Dad and said “Hal, I think we have a daughter in China.” My Dad had a simple response, “I have been praying you would say that.”

So, it began. My parents announced they were adopting in a fairly simple way. They really didn’t have much choice since I was 10, Adam was 6, and Hayne was 2. My Mom came to me and said, “So, Ashton, How do you feel about a little sister?” I was estatic and was jumping “I would love one!! Is there one in your stomach?!” She laughed. “No, not this time. We are going all the way to China!”

I couldn’t believe it, but from that moment, I was thrilled. I didn’t question; I didn’t wonder; I just knew. Soon I would have a baby sister! When we started the China adoption process, the wait was said to be 6 months for paperwork and 6 months waiting for a referral. God’s hand was clearly on our adoption as we finished all of our paperwork in 2 months! It was unheard of in the adoption world at the time! We were expecting to have a baby by January. Boy were we wrong. The wait slowed down. Slowly the wait went from 12 months to 18 months to 24 months and so on. We waited. And, while we waited, we prayed.

On May 1, 2007, we finally received “The Call.” We had a beautiful baby girl waiting for us in Xiushan, China! She was 7 months old and just what we had prayed for and so much more!

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So, Why All the Traditions?

When Tim and I married long ago, I knew I wanted to have strong family traditions. I wanted to establish certain things we could do each year for certain celebrations as well as family time. Some we did when it was just the two of us (like the Tree of Thanksgiving); others we started when Ethan was born, and we continue to add some each year.

WHY?

Doesn’t this add to your to-do list, you might ask. My answer would be yes. But, it is things that I love to do. I think it is very important! Family traditions are just that…FAMILY traditions. We have so many things in our lives that include others–church, sports, clubs, etc. These are great things that I want to be involved in, but I am very protective of our family times. Times when it is just us–growing and enjoying one another, hopefully strengthening our relationships.

I would recommend the book Celebrating the Christian Year by Martha Zimmerman. I love this book, and the fact that she agrees with my view on family traditions doesn’t hurt either! 🙂

Jesus taught that the His Father’s desire for us was not a religion but life. The best way to experience joy in that life is through meaningful relationships. How do relationships happen? What causes a relationship to grow? Relationships grow as people experience things together. It is psychologically true in relationships that doing things for the one you love increases your love for that person. Observing family traditions is one way to demonstrate your love for the Lord. At the same time your actions are speaking volumes to your children, and all the while the love between you and them is growing.

I really think that having these special little things we do together creates a common bond between us, especially the boys as they grow older. I have so enjoyed listening to the boys tell the girls about what we are going to do on this day or that. And, just when I think “oh, maybe this year we’ll skip that part,” I hear the kids talking in anticipation about it. And, I realize that it IS important to them. Their family and its silly and serious traditions are important to them.

This morning the kids woke up to find our Christmas countdown thingy out. We open a door a day to find a note, verse, project, or candy inside.

The Dec. 1st door opened to “Prepare a road for the Lord through the wilderness, clear a highway across the desert for our God…thus shall the Glory of the Lord be revealed” Isaiah 40:3, 5.

As we begin this season of Advent, I pray that you and your family will find special ways to “prepare a road for the Lord” in your busy schedules. December is full of traditions in our house, that I am happy to share. I would love to hear of any of your family traditions, as I am always open to more!

Handwoven fabrics are special! Like babies and snowflakes, no two are ever exactly the same. Families are like tapestry. Many threads run through each piece. As you participate with the Lord in the weaving of your family, choose the threads carefully. Remember time helps to hold the fabric together.

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Kelly Apisa

After our daughter’s adoption in 2007, we were sure we wanted to adopt again. While in China, our hearts broke for our daughter’s story of abandonment, and our eyes opened to the desperate needs of millions of orphans. We returned home with our beautiful daughter and also with a new priority in our lives. We talked about adoption with everyone we knew and were able to start an adoption and foster care ministry in our church with another like-minded couple. I am a homeschooling mom of 4, soon to be 5. We are waiting for the referral of our son or daughter from South Korea. You can follow more of our family traditions, as well as our busy life, on our blog.

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Wrestling With Angels

Lady-Bug and a friend

I heard a quote from Wrestling With an Angel: A Story of Love, Disablity and the Lessons of Grace. It went something like this, “I often hear people saying that God will never give me more than I can handle. But, this is not true. God often gives us more than we can handle. Alone. He will allow trials of all kinds in order to draw us to depend on Him.” It occurs to me too that trying times by definition are difficult by the mere fact that our strength and abilities come up short. We are brought to our knees. We are forced to rest at His feet and cry out that we are totally unable to handle this…alone. Only by His strength and the Truths we rest on and in will we be made strong enough to handle the curves of life.

I am standing today as a living testimony to this truth. After falling into the deep dark pit in which I found myself after our children came home, completely overwhelmed and overcome by the circumstances, I had no personal strength to draw from. There was nothing there. Even my reserves were tapped, and it was weeks, months of prayer and pleading (wrestling with an Angel) before I began the process of standing upright and strong in Him. I”ve said it before, and you know it”s true, just as I did, but adoption is hard work, harder than I ever thought it would be.

It”s also true that His mercies are new every morning and His strength is a renewing one. It”s more than a little scary to say but, in a way, in a singular way, I can honestly say that I”ve arrived. It took a year before I was the mother I thought my children would come home to, and it”s been another 5 months before I can say that I am standing strong and I really love those kids. It”s not that I didn”t love them before, for I can honestly say that I did love them. I loved them before I knew them. I loved them the moment I met them. I chose to continue loving them, over and over I chose, when things were really tough. But, truly, I think I wasn”t capable of really loving them until now. It”s visceral now. Not just a decision or something I knew in my head. My heart is now in the game, and it”s good. Really good.

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Leslee Matthews

California native transplanted to Texas and loving it. Married to the man of my dreams for 18 years. Together, we have two homemade children fondly known as Big Fish 14 and Tuck Tuck 12 and three Ethiopian made: Lady-Bug and Twinkles, both 8 1/2 and Scout 7. Our adoption journey is miraculous. Our children came home to us in June of 2009, and, although the road has been bumpy, we wouldn”t change a thing and we are growing more and more in love everyday! You can follow their story here.

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Questions to Ask Potential Adoption Agencies

I am a researcher—ask my husband. He’d probably tell you I overthink and research, well, nearly everything. So, in an effort to use my research skills (or obsessive compulsive nature?) for good, I put together some questions that I would suggest using when you are calling adoption agencies for the purpose of selecting one for your international adoption.

When you have a list of agencies you want to contact, find a quiet place, get your paper and pen ready, and get your well-charged phone in hand. Pray for discernment and wisdom, and trust that He will guide your family in the path He has called you to.

  • Ask to speak to the person who directs the specific country program in which you are interested. Make a note of his or her name.

  • Start open-ended- “I’d like to learn more about your X program.” Allow the agency representative to talk freely. Not only will it provide you with answers to your questions or confirmation for what you already know, it can raise issues that you might not have considered. And, it will also give you a feel for the person’s personality as well as the culture of the office, how they work, and what they value or see as important to communicate to potential adoptive families. Remember that you will be working very closely with him or her, revealing a lot about your family.

  • What makes your agency different or stand out from other agencies?

  • Do you have a religious affiliation? Do all the individual staff members?

  • How many staff people do you have?

  • Are your overseas staff contract employees or do they represent various agencies? I believe it is to families’ benefit if the overseas staff works exclusively for your agency.

  • How many years has your agency been working with adoptions in this program?

  • How many placements did you make in this program last year?

  • Does your agency do any sort of relief programs in the country beyond arranging adoptions?

  • What should we expect communication to be like? Will we receive regular phone calls or email updates while we wait?

  • How do adoptive families from your agency connect? Do you offer gathering events for local families? Do you have an active yahoo group or other online community? Do you intentionally connect waiting families or families newly home with their children? This may or may not be important to you. But, it is helpful know what they offer. If you do not desire to connect with families now, you may want to later for your child’s benefit.

  • Do you help families prepare their dossier?

  • What type of parental training programs do you offer? Is this an additional cost? Is it required?

  • How long is your current waiting list for a placement? How long would you expect we would wait? Look for obvious discrepancies between agencies. Agencies that are vastly different than others should make you ask the question why.

  • Do you make the travel arrangements for me (i.e., plane tickets, hotel reservations, etc.)? Do you take care of in-country needs such as our guide, interpreter, money (e.g., orphanage donation) transfer, etc.? Not all agencies handle this the same. It is very helpful if your agency wires money for things like your orphanage donation if it is required so that you do not have to carry large sums of money on your person. And, though many people like to make their own travel arrangements, if you find that you are traveling in a hurry at the end of your wait as sometimes happens, it is a real benefit to be with an agency who does these things for you if you want them to.

  • Do you work with specific agencies in my state (if the agency is not local to you) for our home study and postplacement follow-up reports?

  • What is required for X program with regards to postplacement reports? What kind of follow-ups do you offer? Do you offer anything additional to the country’s requirement?

  • Can you provide a description of all fees, broken down so that I can compare agencies?

  • Does your agency provide options or suggestions for grants or financial assistance?

  • Can you provide me with a copy of the contract prior to paying an application fee to you?

  • Do you have families who have used you recently who we could call or email? Make sure these are recently formed adoptive families (families who have been home for less than 1 year) so that the information they provide to you as current as possible. The most helpful information I got about our agency and about adoption in general was from other adoptive families.

Take copious notes as you are able. Write down the answers to the questions as well as just feelings you have. Follow up with the families who have used the agency and keep those notes together.

Remember that though this may feel like an overwhelming decision, the Lord desires for you to seek Him in it and take the burden from you. And, He will bless you in your decision as you surrender it to Him.

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Kelly Raudenbush

Kelly is a stay-at-home mom/manager to 4 children who don”t seem to appreciate her researching skills unless it involves coupons for Chick fil A or a new toy. She is a part-time editor and part-time blog-surfing junkie, always on the lookout for good resources and essays to post on this site. And, she will talk adoption with anyone willing to listen. You can learn more about their adoption story as well as follow day-to-day life on their personal blog.

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He’s Gently Leading

Christmas 2007, Mike and I felt the clock ticking for our family. If we were going to try for a third kiddo, it was now or never. Comments that season, including one about the fact that odd numbers do not work well at amusement parks, seemed to seal the deal. We both were ready to call our family complete. Gentle 4 it would be.

January 2008 came. I was happy with our decision. Two weeks later, I had my first real lightening bolt, strike-you-down-in-your-tracks message from God. How was I going tell Mike that God was calling us to adopt? Mike would think I was nuts! God doesn

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I Think She Sometimes Dreams About Her

In the six months that our daughter Grace has been home from China, she has continued to bond beautifully with my husband, son, and me, in particular. Whenever she is sad, frustrated, scared, or lonely, she doesn’t hesitate one second to call out for me or run into my arms. She wraps her arms around my neck in a tight hug, and I thank God for the special priviledge of being able to reassure or cheer up my baby girl by simply holding her or looking into her eyes. While Grace can definitely be clingy at times, I am grateful she has bonded so well to her immediate family and grown enough in her security to begin branching out in acceptance of and affection for others.

But even with this incredible progress, moments of grief still occasionally surface. And during those (now rare) times, nothing I do seems to help. Such a moment happened yesterday during Grace’s nap. While she normally gets out of her bed and comes to find me if she feels scared or insecure, she woke up screaming and crying in bed. She was crying out for “Mommy,” but my face and embrace brought no comfort. In fact, they brought more anguish. Grace pushed me away, arched her back, pumped her fists, and screamed with agonizing cries of anger and deep sadness for at least 10 minutes before she would even let me touch her. All of these things are expressions of trauma and grief. And, given that Grace is such a strong and happy little girl, I sometimes forget what huge changes she endured in the first 16 months of her life. I sometimes forget that she was torn from a home and a foster family that she had grown to love for 10 months. When she cried out for “Mommy” yesterday and yet seemed even more agitated to see my face, I wondered if maybe she had dreamed about her foster mom. Consciously, she may not even remember China. But, she’s not so far removed from that part of her life that images would not surface during the mind’s vulnerable state of slumber.

There are typically triggers for regression in sleep, night terrors, grief, etc. If you have adopted or are planning to adopt, keep these in mind so you won’t be caught off guard (as I was yesterday):

  • changes in routine
  • overstimulation
  • separation from parents
  • introduction of new activities or experiences
  • stressful circumstances like hospital visits or doctor’s appointments that may trigger preadoption memories

Grace experienced four of these factors over the last few days, so I’m not sure which one is to blame. Probably the combination of them all! The mind works in mysterious ways, so a child may respond very positively to a new experience and not be conscious of the effect on his or her brain. (You’ll find more details on this in adoption/attachment books.) So for example, I took Grace to Disney’s Princess Wishes on Ice. She had a blast! But, it was the largest crowd she’d ever seen. Add on the lights, music, skaters, and her beloved Mickey Mouse in “real life,” and her brain may have begun working overtime to process the excitement and stimulation of it all. Often, the brain copes as if it were under stress, and regressive behaviors or responses can result. The show may not have been at all what led to her naptime disruption, but I had to remind myself of the triggers so I don’t combine so many potential factors in the future as I mistakenly did this past week.

Truthfully, I hope Grace’s mind does hold onto a few images or memories from her life in China. It will eventually help her as she struggles to understand and build her identity. I can’t imagine having the first 16 months of my life be a black void… no pictures, no stories, no details of babyhood. But, it breaks this mommy’s heart to see her daughter wrestle with grief. Some comfort comes from knowing Grace feels loved. I feel certain she loves me. And, I am sure she sometimes misses her foster mother, even if it’s through vague and implicit memories. Moments like we had yesterday are very normal for adopted children. But, I pray everyday that the Lord will fill the dark areas in her mind and heart with light and redemptive love. And I hope she continues to dream.

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Kelley Brown

Kelley is a stay-at-home-mom living in Birmingham, Alabama with her husband Scott and their two toddlers (who are 10 months apart!). Carter is their miracle baby and biological son born in January 2008. Their daughter, Virginia Grace, was born in November 2008 and brought home from China through the miracle of adoption in April 2010. They are anxiously waiting to adopt and bring home their newest daughter, Caroline Liyun (age 11), from China in late spring of 2011. Kelley and Scott also have six babies in Heaven, lost through miscarriages, who never made it into their arms. Having finished seminary right before Carter’s birth, Kelley is now enjoying motherhood, freelance writing, and a bible teaching/speaking ministry for women. She enjoys documenting the trials and joys of family building, adoption, parenting, food allergies, and walking with the Lord on her blog

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Being Our Girl

One of the great things about having older children who don’t live at home is they see us through fresh eyes. They know us extremely well, but they aren’t with us day after day.

Sweet Pea made an insightful comment last weekend that I’ve been turning over in my mind for days. For 3 1/2 years, Russ and I have been trying everything we possibly can to bring healing to Dimples’ broken heart, teach her to be a “family girl,” give her strategies for calming herself, and on and on. Sweet Pea observed that for the first time Dimples seems to be working with us – not just waiting for us to fix her or even resisting healing. She wants this for herself.

I realized that Sweet Pea is right. Dimples wants to be happy! She wants to be our girl! She wants affection and closeness! She wants to be attached to us!

Deborah, her therapist, challenged her to have a good month of positive behavior. This includes controlling negative behavior that has plagued us. Each night, when we mark the calendar with a small red star, her sense of confidence and mastery seem to increase. The sweetest thing is that when she successfully makes it through November, her special prize is lunch with Daddy.

I am hopeful…cautiously hopeful. I don’t know what it is that seems to be clicking. Is it therapy, time, a technique we’ve learned, school, rocking in the ugly chair, conquering food problems? There are so many variables, but I know without a doubt that it is flowing from God; He is the healer of broken hearts.

We are enjoying our little Dimples – there is love flowing back and forth – not just painful, grinding, effort.

I think we just might make it (imagine a deep sigh of relief right here).

If you are in the midst of deep trial with your adopted children, I want to encourage you to press on. We grow weary, scared, and hopeless, but I am here to say that it takes time, lots of time, for children from “hard places” to heal. Don’t give up too soon.

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Lisa Qualls

Lisa Qualls has been married to her husband Russ for 26 years and is the mother of 11 children who came to her by both birth and adoption. As she winds her way through the challenges of attachment, trauma, healing, and life, she shares what she is learning in the hope of helping other families. She earnestly believes in the power of God to heal children”s broken hearts and is privileged to participate in that process with her own children. Her life is a journey filled with moderate successes and some brilliant failures, all covered by the grace of Jesus Christ. To learn more about Lisa and her family, please visit her blog, A Bushel and A Peck.