In the six months that our daughter Grace has been home from China, she has continued to bond beautifully with my husband, son, and me, in particular. Whenever she is sad, frustrated, scared, or lonely, she doesn’t hesitate one second to call out for me or run into my arms. She wraps her arms around my neck in a tight hug, and I thank God for the special priviledge of being able to reassure or cheer up my baby girl by simply holding her or looking into her eyes. While Grace can definitely be clingy at times, I am grateful she has bonded so well to her immediate family and grown enough in her security to begin branching out in acceptance of and affection for others.
But even with this incredible progress, moments of grief still occasionally surface. And during those (now rare) times, nothing I do seems to help. Such a moment happened yesterday during Grace’s nap. While she normally gets out of her bed and comes to find me if she feels scared or insecure, she woke up screaming and crying in bed. She was crying out for “Mommy,” but my face and embrace brought no comfort. In fact, they brought more anguish. Grace pushed me away, arched her back, pumped her fists, and screamed with agonizing cries of anger and deep sadness for at least 10 minutes before she would even let me touch her. All of these things are expressions of trauma and grief. And, given that Grace is such a strong and happy little girl, I sometimes forget what huge changes she endured in the first 16 months of her life. I sometimes forget that she was torn from a home and a foster family that she had grown to love for 10 months. When she cried out for “Mommy” yesterday and yet seemed even more agitated to see my face, I wondered if maybe she had dreamed about her foster mom. Consciously, she may not even remember China. But, she’s not so far removed from that part of her life that images would not surface during the mind’s vulnerable state of slumber.
There are typically triggers for regression in sleep, night terrors, grief, etc. If you have adopted or are planning to adopt, keep these in mind so you won’t be caught off guard (as I was yesterday):
- changes in routine
- overstimulation
- separation from parents
- introduction of new activities or experiences
- stressful circumstances like hospital visits or doctor’s appointments that may trigger preadoption memories
Grace experienced four of these factors over the last few days, so I’m not sure which one is to blame. Probably the combination of them all! The mind works in mysterious ways, so a child may respond very positively to a new experience and not be conscious of the effect on his or her brain. (You’ll find more details on this in adoption/attachment books.) So for example, I took Grace to Disney’s Princess Wishes on Ice. She had a blast! But, it was the largest crowd she’d ever seen. Add on the lights, music, skaters, and her beloved Mickey Mouse in “real life,” and her brain may have begun working overtime to process the excitement and stimulation of it all. Often, the brain copes as if it were under stress, and regressive behaviors or responses can result. The show may not have been at all what led to her naptime disruption, but I had to remind myself of the triggers so I don’t combine so many potential factors in the future as I mistakenly did this past week.
Truthfully, I hope Grace’s mind does hold onto a few images or memories from her life in China. It will eventually help her as she struggles to understand and build her identity. I can’t imagine having the first 16 months of my life be a black void… no pictures, no stories, no details of babyhood. But, it breaks this mommy’s heart to see her daughter wrestle with grief. Some comfort comes from knowing Grace feels loved. I feel certain she loves me. And, I am sure she sometimes misses her foster mother, even if it’s through vague and implicit memories. Moments like we had yesterday are very normal for adopted children. But, I pray everyday that the Lord will fill the dark areas in her mind and heart with light and redemptive love. And I hope she continues to dream.
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Kelley is a stay-at-home-mom living in Birmingham, Alabama with her husband Scott and their two toddlers (who are 10 months apart!). Carter is their miracle baby and biological son born in January 2008. Their daughter, Virginia Grace, was born in November 2008 and brought home from China through the miracle of adoption in April 2010. They are anxiously waiting to adopt and bring home their newest daughter, Caroline Liyun (age 11), from China in late spring of 2011. Kelley and Scott also have six babies in Heaven, lost through miscarriages, who never made it into their arms. Having finished seminary right before Carter’s birth, Kelley is now enjoying motherhood, freelance writing, and a bible teaching/speaking ministry for women. She enjoys documenting the trials and joys of family building, adoption, parenting, food allergies, and walking with the Lord on her blog
Thank you to Kelley for taking the time to share this. We have been home with Khloe just one month less than they have with their beautiful Grace, and I have experienced a couple of similar situations with Khloe. Things she seems to ‘snap out of’ in her conscious state, so it was good to hear someone else’s experience with this during a state of slumber.
Like Kelley, I feel so blessed that God has allowed me to be the recipient of Khloe’s love and snuggles, so it pains my heart when I am not able to comfort her as quickly as normal…but also reminds me, that she had another life before us. Neither were chosen by her. But they are her life. Her story. And I, too, hope that she will always keep some memory of her life in China. I pray that when she grows, she will feel secure because of her identity in Christ, but to have some memory and understanding of her life before us, will surely help fill in the gap.
Thanks again, Kelley! You have a very beautiful family!! <
That sounds to me like a night terror and not her rejecting you intentionally. Yes, they can happen during nap time too. She may not even have any clue she was doing that. A night terror is very different then a nightmare. During a night terror the child may seem awake (even have their eyes wide open) but really they are actually unconscious. They are completely inconsolable and can even be violent. It is best to just let them work through it and go back to sleep and NOT try to wake them up or console them too much. When a child wakes up after a night terror they have absolutely NO MEMORY of it so never fear. Night Terrors are hard on the parent(they can be terrifying to watch) but not the kiddo. Even non adopted kids can go through this. My daughter actually gets them as a reaction to ibuprofen (I know it totally weird. so yes we stick with Tylonal)
Thanks Jessica! Yes, we’ve wondered if episodes like this one were night terrors. Having had some “by-the-book” night terrors, these episodes seem different. And Grace usually does not go back to sleep like she does after a night terror. But perhaps they’re simply a lesser version of them. Either way, you are right that it’s hard on the parent!