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Together Called 2020 {great expectation}

Since the start, God has used our annual marriage retreat Together Called in remarkable ways that only He can do to meet each one of us right where we are. After 8 years of this thing, we are no longer surprised by it; we come with expectation of it.

Together Called may still be 7 months away, but our leadership team is already filled with great expectation for every husband and wife who will join us there as well as for ourselves. Of course we are. We trust you will be too when you hear about who is joining us this time as our keynote speaker and our worship leaders.

We have been longtime fans of our keynote speaker Curt Thompson. Curt Thompson, M.D., is a psychiatrist in private practice in Falls Church, Virginia, and the author of two of our favorite books, The Soul of Shame and Anatomy of the Soul. With an expertise in integrating psychiatry, how we are wired, and spiritual formation, Curt often speaks with the desire to provide opportunities to reflect on, understand, and experience their faith in fresh, trustworthy ways. Leaders in the adoption community have recognized how much he has to offer families with children who have had hard starts and caregivers who may have come from hard starts themselves. He has taught and served as a resource for foster and adoptive families through organizations such as CAFO, Empowered to Connect, Tapestry, Show Hope, and the National Council for Adoption. In addition to all his professional work, Curt serves as an elder at Washington Community Fellowship, a Mennonite church in Washington, DC. He and his wife Phyllis, who we are delighted to have join us with him, are the parents of two grown children.

We’ve also been fans of our worship leaders Ross and Staci King since they joined us at Together Called 2016. Ross and Staci have been married since 1998 and have been making music together even longer than that. They met in 1997 when they were both a part of the Breakaway Ministries worship team at Texas A&M, quickly fell in love, and sealed the deal. In the 20-plus years they’ve been together, they planted a church, adopted 4 kids, traveled the country leading worship and doing concerts, and have had plenty of adventures. They currently live just south of Nashville, TN where Staci homeschools their children and Ross continues his career writing songs, producing music in his studio, and leading worship. They feel together called to help regular people have honest conversations about real things. And, since they still love singing together and do so as often as they can, we are thrilled to have them back for their third Together Called.

Now aren’t you filled with great expectation too?

Registration for Together Called 2020 will open in early October. Make sure you join our mailing list to be reminded of it. But, we need corporate and/or personal sponsors in place to make it happen. If you own a business and are interested in caring for caregivers with us or want to be a part of supporting foster care and adoption by supporting the moms and dads in it, email us. We’d love to tell you more about why we need you and what sponsorship looks like.

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Where good things come and go

We like good books. And, there are a lot of them out there for grown ups and for children, books that don’t just educate but books that say in one way or another that we matter to each other and offer ways to practice that mattering. 

When we found Meek and Brittany and their shop,  Redirected Wood Co., we knew they were the right people to help us help others by designing and building something special so that we could share some of those good books with our people and encourage them to share too. 

This week, after a long time of idea sharing and putting heads together, we now a little free library outside our office. We’ve stocked it with books for foster and adoptive families that remind us of the importance of relationship and help us build healthy ones. We’re excited to have our first contributions to the library leave with families. (We may be a little too excited to see who our first taker will be!). And, we look forward to seeing what new titles appear in there as friends add books to share with other families. Sharing is so fun. 

Make sure you check out Redirected Wood Co. Brittany and Meek are skilled and creative, using sustainably sourced and reclaimed materials to build remarkable custom pieces like live edge tables and custom cabinets. They have big hearts and dreams to use their business to provide opportunity for kids aging out of foster care to not only learn a trade to be able to successfully earn a living but be redirected in the context of relationship as they learn that they really do matter and can create and do beautiful things. 

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A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood {coming 11.22}


On November 22nd, a film we’ve been long waiting for, a movie billed as a “timely story of kindness triumphing over cynicism” arrives.

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, starring Tom Hanks as the hero Mr. Rogers, is a true story of friendship–Fred’s friendship with Esquire journalist Tom Junod (called Lloyd Vogel in the film). In 1998, Tom was given the assignment of writing a profile of Mr. Rogers for a special magazine issue on American heroes. With a bit of an edge and a reputation for controversy, Tom wasn’t sure it would be the best fit. Not surprising, what evolved was an unlikely yet entirely unsurprising friendship between them. As Junod later said, “Once I sort of got in his sights, I think he was looking to minister to me.” This new movie tells the story.

 

It’s no secret that we’re big Fred Rogers fans around here. We’re marking our calendars now.

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Introducing Sparrow Family Services

We are a team eager to go deeper in how we serve families. As of today, we are doing that in a big way. Today marks the start of Sparrow Family Services, specialized child and family therapeutic services for foster and adoptive families provided by our cofounder and codirector Kelly Raudenbush and supported by our team.

Kelly has practiced at the Attachment & Bonding Center of PA for the past 4 years with Cheryl Nitz, ACSW, LCSW, well known for her expertise in trauma and attachment and service to families and professionals from all over the country. We are excited to now have Kelly bring together her leadership skills and experience with her clinical practice and experience to continue to serve families in significant ways through The Sparrow Fund.

Please click HERE to read more about the vision of Sparrow Family Services and HERE to read answers to what we anticipate to be the most frequently asked questions about our new services.

We look forward to caring for caregivers in deeper and deeper ways!

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Now serving families adopting domestically too

Families adopting internationally aren’t the only ones who need a little extra support like what we offer through our Sparrow Services grants. We realize that families adopting children here in the United States either privately or through foster care/social services could benefit from what have to offer too. The support for them may look a little different, but that’s what our support is about–meeting each family where they are and customizing what support we give based on their needs.

As of July 1st when our Sparrow Services grant application window opens again, we are encouraging families adopting internationally or domestically to apply. We can’t wait to see who we get to serve next.

Wanna learn more about what a Sparrow Services grant includes and how to apply? Click HERE to learn more.

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Real and Natural Mother

As one who reunited with my Korean parents in 2009, I most often refer to my Korean parents as, well, my Korean parents. I call my Korean father by either Korean father or Appa, and I call my Korean mother by either Korean mother or Omma. However, I do at times employ the terms biological and/or birthmother/father when the context of adoption is not already understood by the person or people with whom I’m conversing. I, then, eventually switch to saying Korean or American parents once the context is clear. With whom I am talking and the context of the interaction often affects what term I might choose to use. Some may call this wishy-washy; I call it survival and stress management.

I have to admit that biological sounds very cold and aloof to me. Because I am a deeply emotional person and feel a profound emotional connection to my Korean parents and family, I do not prefer the term biological. Furthermore, the term birthmother/father/family can carry other patronizing connotations with it with which some feel very uncomfortable. I honestly have never felt very patronized or emotionally negative toward this term, but I understand why others do. Particularly, I understand why the first/original mother/father would feel patronized by this term.

I rarely use the terms real or natural simply because, for me personally, psychologically, and emotionally these terms feel too divisive and diminutive in either direction. I’ve actually heard real and natural used in the context of describing both adoptive and biological parents. In my own personal encounters with different people, I’ve heard people refer to my Korean parents as my real or natural parents as well as to my American parents as my real or natural parents.

If forced into a corner and demanded to make a distinction (which is a whole other pesky and irritating issue that surrounds being an adoptee), I would have to honestly say that, in my case, I consider both sets of parents–both my Korean and my American parents–to be my real and natural parents. I know that there are others who would take issue with this, and that’s understandable. The adoptee experience is so diverse and varied that we must consider and acknowledge the validity of each adoptee’s viewpoint and experience, particularly when those experiences and viewpoints differ. Failure to do so dismisses the inherent complexities and realities of the adoption experience. Of course, these relationships with my two sets of parents are complex and imperfect, laden with unresolved issues and dysfunction. But, nonetheless, I personally consider all four of them as my parents. Certainly and obviously, our relationships are characterized by different dynamics, histories, and roles. Yet, ultimately, I prefer to use none of the above identifiers, but rather simply to refer to them as my parents.

But, of course, it’s not that simple, and I often do feel compelled, or I am in some ways often required, or at least prodded and pried, to clarify and make distinctions to those addressing me. I make efforts to simply say in conversation my American parents and/or my Korean parents because that is what feels most natural and real to me. And, honestly, I wish that was simply enough. But, in adoption, rarely are things simple and rarely is one option enough.

Mila is a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, as well as a Korean adoptee. She was born in Seoul, South Korea in 1975 and adopted by a White American family 6 months later. She has been in reunion with her Korean family since 2009. You can hear Mila’s voice at collective site Transracial Eyes where she serves as one of 20+ adult adoptee contributors.

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After Together Called 2019

How do you measure the success of an event? We’re not sure.

But, what we are sure of is this.

Laughter heals so many hurts.


Being together in safety crushes feelings of isolation and helps us to know we’re not alone.



And, closeness with the one who is exclusively our own increases our capacity for pretty much everything.


When asked to share one thing they would not changed from Together Called 2019 as we dream towards Together Called 2020, here’s how a few couples responded:

All of it? 😉 My biggest take-away from our first time at Together Called was that this is an incredible community of humble servants. The overall atmosphere, including all of our interactions with everyone we met, had this general sense of humility, open, and honest conversation, and a desire to always be learning and growing in an effort to better serve God through serving our families.

We came in exhausted from “the battle.” We left so refreshed.

There is something about this event that feels so special and like a real retreat not just a conference. The heart behind Together Called is so evident.

We don’t know how best to measure the success of an event, but we truly believe that Together Called 2019 was one.

Together Called 2020 is already booked for March 13th-15th. Put the dates on your calendars now. We’d love to have you join us there.

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Sneak Peek at Together Called 2019 Breakout Sessions

Only a couple more weeks! Here’s a sneak peek at what we have planned in addition to hearing from Peter Greer of HOPE International and Ross and Staci King.

Preconference Session Friday Afternoon: Better Together

Parenting vulnerable children can often bring relationship problems to the surface. We can blame those issues on our kids, or we can recognize that we need to work through our histories while growing in relationship with our spouse. In this workshop, we will look at the covenant of marriage that God designed, what we bring to the relationship, and why we might be struggling to stay connected spiritually, emotionally, and physically to our spouse. We will discuss how we can collaborate in our parenting, communicate with each other effectively, and address conflict as we parent kids with a trauma history. We’ll be better together when we are living in harmony and headed in the same direction.

About the speakers:
Ryan and Kayla North are experts on childhood trauma and its impact on adults and children. Personally, they spent 10 years as resource parents over which time they cared for 30 different children and adopted 4 who joined their 2 bio kids. They are both TBRI trained practitioners and served as Lead Trainers for Empowered to Connect. They currently lead Tapestry Family Ministry, a nonprofit in Dallas, TX that supports and equips churches and families with tools and resources to wrap around and bring hope and healing to adoptive and foster parents, children, and their families. You can hear them on The Empowered Parent Podcast and read their writing on Empowered to Connect, the Today Show Parenting team, and at One Big Happy Home.

Saturday Afternoon Breakout Sessions:

Holy Devotions: Notes to my Brothers and Sisters

We can approach our relationship with God in a way that looks a lot like how we approach our relationships with the people around us. We know it’s important and wonder if we are doing all we should. We want a how-to manual so we can tick the box and know we did enough. We want to stock our shelves with tools to help us because we need it. Maybe we mistake hard work or service for deep connection. In this session, Kelly will share parts of her own spiritual journey and how she moved forward from devotions motivated by a desire for self-improvement to dynamic times of connection with God that overflow into her connection with others. Come ready to learn and practice a way to engage with God through His word using your head and your heart.
About the speaker:
Kelly Raudenbush, MA cofounded The Sparrow Fund with her husband Mark in 2011. She also is a therapist at the Attachment & Bonding Center of PA specializing in coming alongside foster and adoptive families. Kelly has a particular interest in (a) engaging and empowering parents who are struggling in their attachment to their children, (b) helping parents walk with their children as they process their hard stories, (c) encouraging couples in their pursuit of each other and unity in parenting, and (d) empowering orphanage staff in China to foster connection with children and each other. Mark and Kelly have been married for 20 years this year and have four children, one of whom joined their family through adoption from China as a toddler in 2010. You may want to check out her Instagram where she shares her daily notes to her daughter which are a part of her relational connection both with her daughter and God.

Let’s Start Now: Cultivating a Relationship That Prepares You for Adult Relationships With Your Kids

Do you wonder how you are going to get through the teen years? Can you imagine enjoying your children as adults? Join Jeff and Cheryl in this session as they share their own experiences–successes, failures, and lessons learned as they transitioned their four children to adulthood–as well as a mindset and practical tools to help set the stage today for thriving relationships with your children as they grow into adulthood (however old your children are now).
About the speakers:
Jeff and Cheryl Nitz bring both professional and personal experience as they offer insights, challenges, and encouragement to families whom God has brought together through adoption. Jeff is the Chief Operating Office at Patrick Henry Family Services in Virginia and the former Sr. Vice President of Adoption & Family Services for Bethany Christian Services. Cheryl is an Associate Professor at Liberty University as well as the Founder and Director of the Attachment & Bonding Center of PA, specializing in working with families impacted by adoption, trauma, and attachment challenges. But, Jeff and Cheryl often say their best education has come from being parents to their four kids (two of whom came to the family through adoption) and grandparents to four. Most importantly, Jeff and Cheryl are presenting as fellow sojourners—sharing with other adoptive parents the joys and challenges and lessons learned and deeply committed to fostering a fun, growing, supportive marriage in the midst of chaos.

Nurturing Care

The primary casualty of trauma is the brain. Every other negative outcome is because our brains have been impacted by abuse (physical, emotional, sexual), neglect (physical, emotional), and other adverse experiences. These experiences cause the brain to get miswired, and it is only through nurturing care, patience, and the presence of a caring, available caregiver that we can change the wiring of the brain and experience profound levels of healing. In this breakout session, Ryan and Kayla North will show parents how to incorporate fun activities that build trust such as feeding, role play, and games into a family nurture group in order to foster better connection and begin to rewire the brain for healing.
About the speakers:
Ryan and Kayla North are experts on childhood trauma and its impact on adults and children. Personally, they spent 10 years as resource parents over which time they cared for 30 different children and adopted 4 who joined their 2 bio kids. They are both TBRI trained practitioners and served as Lead Trainers for Empowered to Connect. They currently lead Tapestry Family Ministry, a nonprofit in Dallas, TX that supports and equips churches and families with tools and resources to wrap around and bring hope and healing to adoptive and foster parents, children, and their families. You can hear them on The Empowered Parent Podcast and read their writing on Empowered to Connect, the Today Show Parenting team, and at One Big Happy Home.

Sensory Processing: What You as Parents Need to Know

We have 8 senses to learn and grow. You may know the “Big 5”–taste, smell, hearing, touch, and sight. But, we also have proprioception, vestibular, and interoception senses to make sense of our own bodies and the world we live in. All children can have challenges processing the breadth of messages they take in through those 8 senses. And, it can be very hard for us as parents to differentiate what is a behavioral issue and what is a sensory processing issue. In this session, Jamie will teach us how to understand our sensory systems, how to integrate sensory rich activities into everyday life in a way that works for your family, and how trauma may impact all of it.
About the speaker:
Jamie Wilkins is an accomplished Occupational Therapist specializing in pediatric care across multiple settings. Her clinical expertise is focused on children and adolescents with autism and sensory integration. She loves to share knowledge to her community and teach other therapists in classroom settings nationally. She earned her Master’s degree in Occupational Therapy from West Virginia University. She currently lives in Texas with her husband, 3 children, and black lab.

Teaching Our Kids About Sex…Without Passing Out

When it comes to teaching your kids, whether biological, adopted, or fostered about sex, there is no one more qualified than you. That’s right–you! But, most of us feel ill-equipped, awkward, maybe even terrified. The voices in our head ask, “When? Where? How?” And we beg, “Oh please, Jesus, may this cup pass from us?” In this breakout, together, we will explore the when, where, and how, which will equip us to move through the awkward and empower us to have courageous conversations with our kids . . . without passing out. Course requirements: An open heart and a sense of humor.
About the speaker:
Carolyn Ruch is an author, speaker, child advocate, and founder of the Rise and Shine Movement. But, her role as mother to seven children (three biological, one adopted, and three foster) is where she’s had her most joyous successes and her most painful failures. Carolyn enjoys serving as God calls from 30 years of parenting and over a decade of prevention training. She joins parents in the trenches as she seeks to equip and empower parents to protect and guard their children.

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the now and the not yet {advocating}


He turned 11 today. And, he may have had the biggest party ever because it extended way beyond the room in his orphanage.

I wonder if anyone giggled with him as he got into his cot last night, reminding him that it was his last night as a 10 year old. I wonder if he paused to consider if he was any bigger, any stronger, any healthier when he got up this morning. You know, he’s 11 now; 11 feels so much different than 10. I want to know if he bounced around all morning with anticipation, if the nannies had to tell him to settle down. He smiles so much already; I can’t imagine how much he must have been smiling today.

His nannies prepared the cake. They added some birthday-themed embellishments to a room already outfitted in red and pink and piggies for Spring Festival. I know them and can picture them perfectly, standing back and admiring the beautiful room with joy and dismissing with humility whatever praise was given by other staff.

I’m sure every child marveled as they entered the room, without envy of who it honored but joy that they were invited to join in. Each nanny and teacher offered him a birthday greeting. They all sang, likely in Chinese and in English with Miss Feng leading the charge, as children danced around him and nannies laughed as they watched and worked with the older children to pull up the little ones when they collided. I bet his cheeks hurt from smiling as he took it all in.

He got a gift. A doll in a pig costume. His good friend presented it to him. In 10 days, that friend is leaving. He’s being adopted.

Just like aunties would corporately mother a nephew, the nannies coached him to thank the crowd. He did graciously. After all, he knows his manners. They’ve taught him well. And, then he made a wish as his friends helped him cut the cake.

 

He wished he would have “a happy family in the United States like other children and have a loving father and mother.”

This is hope. Being willing to ask for something he knows is big and believing it can happen.

His birthday celebration was lovely, but we want it to the last one with him making that wish. “Grayson” is currently available for adoption through Madison, a very good agency which wants to help him so much that they are offering a $4,000 agency grant to the family who wants to make him their son. Reece’s Rainbow is also offering a grant towards his adoption. Contact us info@sparrowfund.org to learn more about where he is and our experience with him, and contact Sarah at Madison to learn more about his heart condition and what is required of a family to adopt him.

Kelly Raudenbush founded The Sparrow Fund along with her husband Mark in 2011 and launched Project Puppy Love, a canine-assisted therapy program for foster and adoptive families in June 2018. As a child and family therapist, Kelly has a particular interest in (a) encouraging and empowering parents who are struggling to attach with their children, (b) helping parents walk with their children as they process their stories, (c) helping couples continue to pursue each other and grow together while they parent their children as a team, and (d) training and empowering orphanage staff in China to build relationships with children and each other. Kelly and Mark have been married since 1998 and have 3 biological children and 1 daughter who was adopted as a toddler from China in 2010. You can learn more about their journey on Kelly’s personal blog. Contact Kelly directly at kellyraudenbush@sparrowfund.org.

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In God’s nest

There’s a lot that happens the first time I spend with an adoptive family. I have a whole list of activities and assessments I go through each time. One of them is called “Draw a Nest.” It’s a simple test really that helps us explore the way the child understands relationships and how they fit into them. I provide paper and markers and the simple prompt “draw a nest.” When the child is done, they get a score based on all sorts of different things—color choices, if birds are present, if the nest is supported in a tree, elements in the story they tell about it in the end, etc. I’ve seen all sorts of different drawings—some colorful and sweet in every way with mama birds feeding baby birds and some very dark and sad with broken eggs, missing eggs, cut down trees, and so on.

A couple months ago, a middle school boy and his parents came to see me. His parents who had adopted him as a baby had been struggling to connect with him. They worried about choices he was making and worried they were losing touch with him. When I asked him to draw a nest, he got to work with an end result I had not seen before. He drew a home, his home. When I asked him to tell a story about it, he talked about how he knew it was not traditional but that in his view, a nest is where you always have a place, where you belong. And, to him, that meant his home.

In the New Testament in chapter 14 of the book written by John, Jesus said:

In my Father’s house are many rooms. I am going ahead and will prepare a place for you. I will come back for you. I will greet you by name and welcome you home, where we will be together forever.

As part of God’s family, we always have a place where we are known and loved regardless. We are accepted as we are right now and loved as we are becoming who we will be. As part of God’s family, we are desired.

As part of God’s family, we are both loved individually and as a community. We are a son or daughter, but we’re also a brother or sister. Our Father’s house has many rooms, and He fills them. We know today that we are not alone. And, we never will be. As part of God’s family, we can experience the joy of belonging.

As part of God’s family, He provides for us like how a Mom and Dad provide for their children. He gives us what we need today and helps us to trust Him to give us what we need tomorrow and the next day and the next day. And, when we trust Him to do that, we can feel safe even when things around us aren’t right.

As part of God’s family, we can feel confident because we always have someone to rely on, and not just any someone. The same God who spoke each star into being and placed each drop of water in the sea has our back. We have His power for us and in us.

As part of God’s family, as we are known and loved, as we belong in community, as He gives us what is best, as He puts His power in us, we can be whole even though we are broken. Only through Him are we able to live a life of purpose, not simply getting through days to get to the next days or working hard in pursuit of our own goals. We have a bigger and better story because He has a bigger and better story for all eternity. As part of God’s family, we get to be a part of it.

This Christmas, may you know in a deeper way what it means to be part of God’s family and embrace it more fully in whatever way that may mean for you.

Merry Christmas.

Kelly Raudenbush founded The Sparrow Fund along with her husband Mark in 2011 and launched Project Puppy Love, a canine-assisted therapy program for foster and adoptive families in June 2018. In addition to her service through The Sparrow Fund, Kelly is a therapist through the Attachment & Bonding Center of PA. Kelly has a particular interest in (a) encouraging and empowering parents who are struggling to attach with their children, (b) helping parents walk with their children as they process their stories, (c) helping couples continue to pursue each other and grow together while they parent their children as a team, and (d) training and empowering orphanage staff in China to build relationships with children and each other. Kelly and Mark have been married since 1998 and have 3 biological children and 1 daughter who was adopted as a toddler from China in 2010. You can learn more about their journey on Kelly’s personal blog. Contact Kelly directly at kraudenbush@sparrow-fund.org.