With Scarlett being 3, she knows she is being taken from everything she knows, but she doesn
Love Story
Dear Miss A,
I always knew you liked him. I did. I saw it when you smiled at him. I saw it when your eyes lit up when he entered the room and how your first giggle was for him. It has always been there. But, it was too hard for him to see.
From the beginning, you would go to him freely. No fussing. At all. It’s just that you always kept your eyes on me. You’d squawk when I left your sight. You’d squeal when I returned. You kept track of my every move, even while he held or entertained you. And, at first, he was fine with it because it was subtle and everything was new
On the flight home, your fondness for me grew to a definite preference. You only wanted to be by me, on me, with me. The first weeks home were a blur of survival for all of us, and I knew that having you close to me was key in helping you feel safe and secure. We kept your routine predictable, outings to a minimum, and put you in the wrap anytime we went out. It made you feel safe and happy and solidified your bond…with me.
Your preference for me was undeniable, and he began to feel left out. He wanted to bond with you and experience affection instead of rejection. Seeing you reach for me time and time again was hurtful and took its toll. I still saw the way you smiled at him and were excited to see him, but he was beginning to get frustrated. He understood, but it hurt.
However, being who he is, he never gave up. He continued to reach out for you, spend time with you, care for you, be silly with you, comfort you, hold you, bathe you, and feed you…while you reached for me. The smiles and giggles I saw you give him were often overshadowed by your whining for me. But, you are his daughter, and he knew it would come…eventually.
Then, as if someone flipped a switch, things began to change. The whining and reaching for me lessened, making the smiles and giggles you gave him more obvious. You began to run full tilt to the door when he came home from work. You squealed as he “chased” you, urging him to keep doing it. You smiled at him just to get his attention. He noticed and soaked it up.
Over the past month, I’ve had a front row seat to watching the love between you two blossom and grow. My heart swells as I watch you run full speed to greet him at the door. As you lean out of my arms and into his. As you bring him book after book to read to you and then walk backwards until you plop into his lap settling your head against his chest. As you giggle and play peek-a-boo with him in your highchair. As your whole body wiggles in celebration when he comes to pick you up from nursery.
You see, he’s waited a very long time for you to return his affections. He’d have waited indefinitely, but I’m so glad he didn’t have to. I’m so glad you two are forging your own love story through silly rituals and goofy games. I don’t even mind when you prefer him over me.
I always knew you liked him and that the love would come. I’m just so glad that he’s beginning to know now, too.
He’s waited a long time to be your Daddy.
Love,
Mommy
________________________________________
Stephanie has been married to Matthew for over 5 years. She
Two Moms
The girls went through a period of time recently where they asked a lot of questions about their first mom mostly in the car on the way to school. And by “the girls,” I mean Peanut and the Cuddle Bear. Princess has a script she uses whenever she thinks someone wants her to talk about her first mom (“she only yelled and only fed us sweet cereal and always spanked us and never gave us baths”), but she never EVER brings up anything about her first mom that isn’t scripted (every statement in this script ranges from slightly true to completely false and does not touch at all on the real reasons for their removal). However, she is always there for these conversations, so I tailor them for her specifically.
Peanut’s questions tend to be “why” questions, and I answers them as factually and sensitively as I can. Which is hard, because although I know the facts from that time, I really, really, REALLY don’t understand. And, I try to leave it at that.
After Peanut exited the car for school that week, the Cuddle Bear asked some different questions. The Cuddle Bear was 18 months when parental rights terminated, so she doesn’t have much memory from that time. She wanted to know what First Mom was like. What did she look like? What kind of hair did she have? Did she have brown skin or peach skin? What was she like?
I had the privilege of knowing First Mom a little, so I did the best I could.
When we got home I got out a picture and color-copied it for her. She was playing in her room. I handed it to her and said, “that’s what First Mom looks like,” and I headed back downstairs.
At the stairway, I thought to stop and turn back. The Cuddle Bear was looking at the picture with a dreamy, beautiful smile. She raised a finger and softly fingered First Mom’s face. I stood there watching, and I checked myself over to see what my feelings were.
Nothing. I felt totally okay.
Then, the Cuddle Bear turned and saw me there.
“Mom! Why are you watching me!”
“I’m just loving you, baby girl.”
Her smile changed from a dreamy smile to full-on brightness.
“I love you sooooo much, Mommy!”
“I love you too, sweetness.”
I went downstairs.
She stared at her picture.
________________________________________
Kerrie is the mother of a family of six through birth and adoption through the foster care system. Their days include a mix of reactive attachment disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, visual and language processing disorders, and general strangeness mixed with joy, peace, and healing. You can get to know their family more on their blog, Good Moms Are a Lot of Things.