The girls went through a period of time recently where they asked a lot of questions about their first mom mostly in the car on the way to school. And by “the girls,” I mean Peanut and the Cuddle Bear. Princess has a script she uses whenever she thinks someone wants her to talk about her first mom (“she only yelled and only fed us sweet cereal and always spanked us and never gave us baths”), but she never EVER brings up anything about her first mom that isn’t scripted (every statement in this script ranges from slightly true to completely false and does not touch at all on the real reasons for their removal). However, she is always there for these conversations, so I tailor them for her specifically.

Peanut’s questions tend to be “why” questions, and I answers them as factually and sensitively as I can. Which is hard, because although I know the facts from that time, I really, really, REALLY don’t understand. And, I try to leave it at that.

After Peanut exited the car for school that week, the Cuddle Bear asked some different questions. The Cuddle Bear was 18 months when parental rights terminated, so she doesn’t have much memory from that time. She wanted to know what First Mom was like. What did she look like? What kind of hair did she have? Did she have brown skin or peach skin? What was she like?

I had the privilege of knowing First Mom a little, so I did the best I could.

When we got home I got out a picture and color-copied it for her. She was playing in her room. I handed it to her and said, “that’s what First Mom looks like,” and I headed back downstairs.

At the stairway, I thought to stop and turn back. The Cuddle Bear was looking at the picture with a dreamy, beautiful smile. She raised a finger and softly fingered First Mom’s face. I stood there watching, and I checked myself over to see what my feelings were.

Nothing. I felt totally okay.

Then, the Cuddle Bear turned and saw me there.

“Mom! Why are you watching me!”

“I’m just loving you, baby girl.”

Her smile changed from a dreamy smile to full-on brightness.

“I love you sooooo much, Mommy!”
“I love you too, sweetness.”

I went downstairs.
She stared at her picture.

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Kerrie is the mother of a family of six through birth and adoption through the foster care system. Their days include a mix of reactive attachment disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, visual and language processing disorders, and general strangeness mixed with joy, peace, and healing. You can get to know their family more on their blog, Good Moms Are a Lot of Things.