Two years ago, our family started the domestic adoption process in which we planned to adopt a healthy infant. As often is the case, the Lord had a different plan for us. Our perspective changed when we heard Him saying,
In the six months that our daughter Grace has been home from China, she has continued to bond beautifully with my husband, son, and me, in particular. Whenever she is sad, frustrated, scared, or lonely, she doesn’t hesitate one second to call out for me or run into my arms. She wraps her arms around my neck in a tight hug, and I thank God for the special priviledge of being able to reassure or cheer up my baby girl by simply holding her or looking into her eyes. While Grace can definitely be clingy at times, I am grateful she has bonded so well to her immediate family and grown enough in her security to begin branching out in acceptance of and affection for others.
But even with this incredible progress, moments of grief still occasionally surface. And during those (now rare) times, nothing I do seems to help. Such a moment happened yesterday during Grace’s nap. While she normally gets out of her bed and comes to find me if she feels scared or insecure, she woke up screaming and crying in bed. She was crying out for “Mommy,” but my face and embrace brought no comfort. In fact, they brought more anguish. Grace pushed me away, arched her back, pumped her fists, and screamed with agonizing cries of anger and deep sadness for at least 10 minutes before she would even let me touch her. All of these things are expressions of trauma and grief. And, given that Grace is such a strong and happy little girl, I sometimes forget what huge changes she endured in the first 16 months of her life. I sometimes forget that she was torn from a home and a foster family that she had grown to love for 10 months. When she cried out for “Mommy” yesterday and yet seemed even more agitated to see my face, I wondered if maybe she had dreamed about her foster mom. Consciously, she may not even remember China. But, she’s not so far removed from that part of her life that images would not surface during the mind’s vulnerable state of slumber.
There are typically triggers for regression in sleep, night terrors, grief, etc. If you have adopted or are planning to adopt, keep these in mind so you won’t be caught off guard (as I was yesterday):
Grace experienced four of these factors over the last few days, so I’m not sure which one is to blame. Probably the combination of them all! The mind works in mysterious ways, so a child may respond very positively to a new experience and not be conscious of the effect on his or her brain. (You’ll find more details on this in adoption/attachment books.) So for example, I took Grace to Disney’s Princess Wishes on Ice. She had a blast! But, it was the largest crowd she’d ever seen. Add on the lights, music, skaters, and her beloved Mickey Mouse in “real life,” and her brain may have begun working overtime to process the excitement and stimulation of it all. Often, the brain copes as if it were under stress, and regressive behaviors or responses can result. The show may not have been at all what led to her naptime disruption, but I had to remind myself of the triggers so I don’t combine so many potential factors in the future as I mistakenly did this past week.
Truthfully, I hope Grace’s mind does hold onto a few images or memories from her life in China. It will eventually help her as she struggles to understand and build her identity. I can’t imagine having the first 16 months of my life be a black void… no pictures, no stories, no details of babyhood. But, it breaks this mommy’s heart to see her daughter wrestle with grief. Some comfort comes from knowing Grace feels loved. I feel certain she loves me. And, I am sure she sometimes misses her foster mother, even if it’s through vague and implicit memories. Moments like we had yesterday are very normal for adopted children. But, I pray everyday that the Lord will fill the dark areas in her mind and heart with light and redemptive love. And I hope she continues to dream.
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Kelley is a stay-at-home-mom living in Birmingham, Alabama with her husband Scott and their two toddlers (who are 10 months apart!). Carter is their miracle baby and biological son born in January 2008. Their daughter, Virginia Grace, was born in November 2008 and brought home from China through the miracle of adoption in April 2010. They are anxiously waiting to adopt and bring home their newest daughter, Caroline Liyun (age 11), from China in late spring of 2011. Kelley and Scott also have six babies in Heaven, lost through miscarriages, who never made it into their arms. Having finished seminary right before Carter’s birth, Kelley is now enjoying motherhood, freelance writing, and a bible teaching/speaking ministry for women. She enjoys documenting the trials and joys of family building, adoption, parenting, food allergies, and walking with the Lord on her blog
One of the great things about having older children who don’t live at home is they see us through fresh eyes. They know us extremely well, but they aren’t with us day after day.
Sweet Pea made an insightful comment last weekend that I’ve been turning over in my mind for days. For 3 1/2 years, Russ and I have been trying everything we possibly can to bring healing to Dimples’ broken heart, teach her to be a “family girl,” give her strategies for calming herself, and on and on. Sweet Pea observed that for the first time Dimples seems to be working with us – not just waiting for us to fix her or even resisting healing. She wants this for herself.
I realized that Sweet Pea is right. Dimples wants to be happy! She wants to be our girl! She wants affection and closeness! She wants to be attached to us!
Deborah, her therapist, challenged her to have a good month of positive behavior. This includes controlling negative behavior that has plagued us. Each night, when we mark the calendar with a small red star, her sense of confidence and mastery seem to increase. The sweetest thing is that when she successfully makes it through November, her special prize is lunch with Daddy.
I am hopeful…cautiously hopeful. I don’t know what it is that seems to be clicking. Is it therapy, time, a technique we’ve learned, school, rocking in the ugly chair, conquering food problems? There are so many variables, but I know without a doubt that it is flowing from God; He is the healer of broken hearts.
We are enjoying our little Dimples – there is love flowing back and forth – not just painful, grinding, effort.
I think we just might make it (imagine a deep sigh of relief right here).
If you are in the midst of deep trial with your adopted children, I want to encourage you to press on. We grow weary, scared, and hopeless, but I am here to say that it takes time, lots of time, for children from “hard places” to heal. Don’t give up too soon.
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Lisa Qualls has been married to her husband Russ for 26 years and is the mother of 11 children who came to her by both birth and adoption. As she winds her way through the challenges of attachment, trauma, healing, and life, she shares what she is learning in the hope of helping other families. She earnestly believes in the power of God to heal children”s broken hearts and is privileged to participate in that process with her own children. Her life is a journey filled with moderate successes and some brilliant failures, all covered by the grace of Jesus Christ. To learn more about Lisa and her family, please visit her blog, A Bushel and A Peck.
These few featured families are all families whose buttons for fundraising are featured on our site. Please read about them and consider supporting their efforts as they pursue God’s call for their families.
We are Josh and Candace Jones and have been happily married for over 6
In light of this month
I watch her–across the crowd–this tall awkward beauty. She’s the girl a visitor might not remember–no big personality or shining grades or showy talent. She is quiet, and I’ve watched her stand, so often,
And, tonight, she has risked. This dark-skinned girl, finding refuge at Breanna’s House, wants to learn the dance with the others. And, the team of Americans shows steps, and she tries to keep up. But, her arms seem too long and her feet seem two steps behind.
And, then, another girl whispers. Perhaps a criticism, maybe a bully-instruction to do better. Girls are girls, everywhere, after all.
And, this awkward beauty is sunk low.
Tears form. Emotion made raw. And, we catch eyes, and I’ve seen it. And, she knows I have.
But, the music has started now, and she doesn’t have the luxury of wallowing. And so, she struggles through mistimed steps and timid turns. She grits teeth and blinks back weakness and pulls armor around.
And then, the lesson finishes.
And, she files out with the rest–the chatter of the crowd filling the humid night air.
And, the comment, the insecurity, the struggle,
by awkwardly beautiful shoulders.
And, my car drives away, but my heart doesn”t. My thoughts can”t either, because I know I”ve peeked into a daily, stretching-into-years reality for this young teenager. And, I wonder how her life, her confidence, her view of God would be different if she got to taste the evening like my own daughter, who also danced that night, and who rode in the backseat,
home,
chatting all the way,
to a mother who listened,
and loved.
And, I think that perhaps, if she had, she wouldn”t have been so scared to dance in the first place.
From hands that help run the orphanage to hands that take the orphan home, let me say thank you. Your rescue of a child from the crowd, is such an important way to love. There is no substitute for a family.
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Laura, her husband, and their three small children currently live in Chiang Mai, Thailand, where they direct a Children”s Home for orphaned, homeless, or impoverished girls. Laura is able to write honestly about what it means to love orphans from the other side of the adoption coin. She has written articles for Relevant Magazine, {In}Courage, and several other online sites, and chronicles their journey in the jungle at Laura Parker {Life Overseas}. The Children”s Home they direct is Breanna”s House of Joy. Her Twitter is @Lauraparkersays.
It’s no secret we have a large family. Through birth and adoption, God has blessed us rather abundantly. And, it’s no secret that with a large family comes noise and chaos and a lot of demands and a general overall crazyness, lots of laughter, supporters at every turn, a hug at every corner, and never having to go through any of it alone.
“But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
1 Corinthians 15:57 (NIV)
If there was ever a secret for unleashing God’s powerful peace in a situation, it’s developing a heart of true thanksgiving. My son, Jackson, knows this. I came to understand how powerfully he knows this when editing a paper he wrote recently. Jackson hasn’t always lived in the safety and security of our home. For the first 13 years of his life, he lived in a forgotten orphanage in the third world country of Liberia, Africa.
Jackson’s paper was about the corruption and greed that caused the civil war in his native land. He did a great job recounting the facts of the story. But the difference between Jackson and most other kids explaining a historical event, is before we adopted him – he lived in the midst of the horrific conditions of this war.
During one part of the paper, he described what it felt like to be naked digging through the trash looking for the treasure of thrown away food.
The treasure of thrown away food.
I can hardly type those words without crying. This is my son.
And yet, despite the horrific conditions of his childhood there was an unexplainable thread of peace woven through his recollection of the story. A powerful peace centered in the awareness of God’s presence.
The truly thankful person is a truly peaceful person. They have made a habit no matter what to notice, pause and choose.
Noticing something for which to be thankful no matter what circumstance they’re in.
Pausing to acknowledge this something as a reminder of God’s presence.
Choosing to focus on God’s presence until His powerful peace is unleashed.
I doubt any of us will find our treasure in thrown away food today. But will we be a noticer, a pauser, a chooser – a person of thanksgiving no matter what circumstance we’re facing?
I find this truth about the power of thanksgiving over and over in Scripture. What was the prayer Daniel prayed right before being thrown in the lion’s den and witnessing God miraculously shutting the lion’s mouths? Thanksgiving.
After three days in the belly of a fish, what was the cry of Jonah’s heart right before he was finally delivered onto dry land? Thanksgiving.
How are we instructed to pray in Philippians 4:6 when we feel anxious? With thanksgiving.
And what is the outcome of each of these situations where thanksgiving is proclaimed? Peace. Powerful, unexplainable, uncontainable peace.
“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus,” (Philippians 4:7, NIV).
One of Webster’s official definitions of thanksgiving is: “a public acknowledgment or celebration of divine goodness.”
I wonder how we might celebrate God’s divine goodness today?
I wonder what might happen if we decide in the midst of our circumstances today to notice, pause, and choose something for which we can truly be thankful….
Dear Lord, will You help me to notice things for which I can be thankful in each circumstance I face today? Will You help me remember to pause and acknowledge this as evidence of Your presence? And will You help me to remember to choose to focus on Your presence until Your powerful peace rushes into my heart and helps me see everything more clearly? Thank You for the reality that being thankful truly changes everything. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
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Lysa TerKeurst is an author and speaker who helps everyday women live an adventure of faith through following Jesus Christ. As president of Proverbs 31 Ministries, Lysa has led thousands to make their walk with God an invigorating journey. Lysa
On this Thanksgiving,
I am surrounded by a feast beyond compare;
143 million children are wondering if there will be enough to eat.
I am surrounded by friends and family;
143 million children are taken care of by government-paid workers or, worse yet, no one.
I am surrounded by advertisements, beckoning me to purchase the latest hot merchandise;
143 million children are digging through trash to find a thrown-out pair of shoes to wear.
I am surrounded by grown men fighting over a brown ball and trying to move it 100yrds;
143 million chidren are fighting to survive another day on the streets.
I am surrounded by gridlock on the highways and in the airports;
143 million children are walking to the nearest water pond to get water for the day.
I have for my enjoyment bottled water, soda, ice tea, coffee, and alcoholic beverages;
143 million children drink dirty water filled with parasites, diseases, and germs.
I am blessed by God;
143 million children are loved by God.
I am surrounded by 224 million “Christians” in the US;
143 million children are “the least of these.”
I am a sheep.
What are you?
All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. … The King will reply,
Miss E likes to play “Bumpy Road” with me. She sits on my knees while I bounce her and chant, “Bumpy road, bumpy road. Smooth road, smooth road. Bumpy road, bumpy road. Ditch!” And, on the word