Two years ago, our family started the domestic adoption process in which we planned to adopt a healthy infant. As often is the case, the Lord had a different plan for us. Our perspective changed when we heard Him saying,
In the six months that our daughter Grace has been home from China, she has continued to bond beautifully with my husband, son, and me, in particular. Whenever she is sad, frustrated, scared, or lonely, she doesn’t hesitate one second to call out for me or run into my arms. She wraps her arms around my neck in a tight hug, and I thank God for the special priviledge of being able to reassure or cheer up my baby girl by simply holding her or looking into her eyes. While Grace can definitely be clingy at times, I am grateful she has bonded so well to her immediate family and grown enough in her security to begin branching out in acceptance of and affection for others.
But even with this incredible progress, moments of grief still occasionally surface. And during those (now rare) times, nothing I do seems to help. Such a moment happened yesterday during Grace’s nap. While she normally gets out of her bed and comes to find me if she feels scared or insecure, she woke up screaming and crying in bed. She was crying out for “Mommy,” but my face and embrace brought no comfort. In fact, they brought more anguish. Grace pushed me away, arched her back, pumped her fists, and screamed with agonizing cries of anger and deep sadness for at least 10 minutes before she would even let me touch her. All of these things are expressions of trauma and grief. And, given that Grace is such a strong and happy little girl, I sometimes forget what huge changes she endured in the first 16 months of her life. I sometimes forget that she was torn from a home and a foster family that she had grown to love for 10 months. When she cried out for “Mommy” yesterday and yet seemed even more agitated to see my face, I wondered if maybe she had dreamed about her foster mom. Consciously, she may not even remember China. But, she’s not so far removed from that part of her life that images would not surface during the mind’s vulnerable state of slumber.
There are typically triggers for regression in sleep, night terrors, grief, etc. If you have adopted or are planning to adopt, keep these in mind so you won’t be caught off guard (as I was yesterday):
Grace experienced four of these factors over the last few days, so I’m not sure which one is to blame. Probably the combination of them all! The mind works in mysterious ways, so a child may respond very positively to a new experience and not be conscious of the effect on his or her brain. (You’ll find more details on this in adoption/attachment books.) So for example, I took Grace to Disney’s Princess Wishes on Ice. She had a blast! But, it was the largest crowd she’d ever seen. Add on the lights, music, skaters, and her beloved Mickey Mouse in “real life,” and her brain may have begun working overtime to process the excitement and stimulation of it all. Often, the brain copes as if it were under stress, and regressive behaviors or responses can result. The show may not have been at all what led to her naptime disruption, but I had to remind myself of the triggers so I don’t combine so many potential factors in the future as I mistakenly did this past week.
Truthfully, I hope Grace’s mind does hold onto a few images or memories from her life in China. It will eventually help her as she struggles to understand and build her identity. I can’t imagine having the first 16 months of my life be a black void… no pictures, no stories, no details of babyhood. But, it breaks this mommy’s heart to see her daughter wrestle with grief. Some comfort comes from knowing Grace feels loved. I feel certain she loves me. And, I am sure she sometimes misses her foster mother, even if it’s through vague and implicit memories. Moments like we had yesterday are very normal for adopted children. But, I pray everyday that the Lord will fill the dark areas in her mind and heart with light and redemptive love. And I hope she continues to dream.
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Kelley is a stay-at-home-mom living in Birmingham, Alabama with her husband Scott and their two toddlers (who are 10 months apart!). Carter is their miracle baby and biological son born in January 2008. Their daughter, Virginia Grace, was born in November 2008 and brought home from China through the miracle of adoption in April 2010. They are anxiously waiting to adopt and bring home their newest daughter, Caroline Liyun (age 11), from China in late spring of 2011. Kelley and Scott also have six babies in Heaven, lost through miscarriages, who never made it into their arms. Having finished seminary right before Carter’s birth, Kelley is now enjoying motherhood, freelance writing, and a bible teaching/speaking ministry for women. She enjoys documenting the trials and joys of family building, adoption, parenting, food allergies, and walking with the Lord on her blog
One of the great things about having older children who don’t live at home is they see us through fresh eyes. They know us extremely well, but they aren’t with us day after day.
Sweet Pea made an insightful comment last weekend that I’ve been turning over in my mind for days. For 3 1/2 years, Russ and I have been trying everything we possibly can to bring healing to Dimples’ broken heart, teach her to be a “family girl,” give her strategies for calming herself, and on and on. Sweet Pea observed that for the first time Dimples seems to be working with us – not just waiting for us to fix her or even resisting healing. She wants this for herself.
I realized that Sweet Pea is right. Dimples wants to be happy! She wants to be our girl! She wants affection and closeness! She wants to be attached to us!
Deborah, her therapist, challenged her to have a good month of positive behavior. This includes controlling negative behavior that has plagued us. Each night, when we mark the calendar with a small red star, her sense of confidence and mastery seem to increase. The sweetest thing is that when she successfully makes it through November, her special prize is lunch with Daddy.
I am hopeful…cautiously hopeful. I don’t know what it is that seems to be clicking. Is it therapy, time, a technique we’ve learned, school, rocking in the ugly chair, conquering food problems? There are so many variables, but I know without a doubt that it is flowing from God; He is the healer of broken hearts.
We are enjoying our little Dimples – there is love flowing back and forth – not just painful, grinding, effort.
I think we just might make it (imagine a deep sigh of relief right here).
If you are in the midst of deep trial with your adopted children, I want to encourage you to press on. We grow weary, scared, and hopeless, but I am here to say that it takes time, lots of time, for children from “hard places” to heal. Don’t give up too soon.
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Lisa Qualls has been married to her husband Russ for 26 years and is the mother of 11 children who came to her by both birth and adoption. As she winds her way through the challenges of attachment, trauma, healing, and life, she shares what she is learning in the hope of helping other families. She earnestly believes in the power of God to heal children”s broken hearts and is privileged to participate in that process with her own children. Her life is a journey filled with moderate successes and some brilliant failures, all covered by the grace of Jesus Christ. To learn more about Lisa and her family, please visit her blog, A Bushel and A Peck.
These few featured families are all families whose buttons for fundraising are featured on our site. Please read about them and consider supporting their efforts as they pursue God’s call for their families.
We are Josh and Candace Jones and have been happily married for over 6