11 Replies to “Who’s the Protector?”

1. Kevin,
   THANKS for sharing! Both of my Asian-born kiddos point out other “yellow” people when we’re out & try to guess where they may be from. And, they talk about how their skin doesn’t match mommy & daddy.
   Can’t wait to check out your blog.

   Sheri

2. This is wonderful. Thanks so much!

3. Kevin,

   Thank you for being willing to help others learn. I have really learned a lot from what I have read on your blog. This post helps me understand even better why I need to be prepared and take the initiative with my child. As the parent, I am the protector. My child should not have that burden.

   Thanks,

   Nora

4. Kevin, thank you so much for this article and for your honesty. I was just thinking through where I thought my 6 year old was on the issue of race/ adoption/birthparents as we had not talked about it for awhile. This helps me to step up and start talking and listening more!
   Shannon

5. Thank you for your insight, Kevin. I always appreciate your words.

6. Good article and good points. Especially helpful were the reminders that just because the child isn’t talking about something doesn’t mean he/she isn’t thinking about it.

   But here is my hesitation and I’m hoping Kevin or someone can give me suggestions. My daughters are almost 5 & almost 4, home from China since 11/06 with the older and since 7/08 with the younger. Both girls are well aware (and proud) of the fact that they were born in China and we came to meet them and bring them home. Both of them haul out their China books often (these would be the books I made of our two trips to China) and we’ve had several discussions about each of them being born to a different mommy who is still in China.

   But that’s it. They’re young, are they thinking about things they can’t communicate enough about to ask questions about? I don’t feel like forcing the information on them is a good option, but don’t want to necessarily wait until they ask to answer those questions either.

   I picked up the book “Forever Fingerprints” to read to them, but skimmed it beforehand. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the book, but my feeling was that it would somewhat force the listener into questions that he/she may not be ready to deal with (ie, for my girls, issues of abandonment). I hope this makes sense.

   I am 100% committed to being honest and forthcoming with the girls, but in light of this post, am also concerned that just being willing to discuss what I know when I am asked is not the best option for my girls, either.

   So, with kids my girls’ ages, what is the best course of action for me?

   I’ll be appreciative of anyone’s thoughts and suggestions.

   TB

7. TB,

   At this age my main goal would be to create an environment where the girls know it is ok to talk about any questions they may have.
   Instead of forcing topics on them I think just having general on-goin conversations about China and their birth parents is important.
   As adults we often make things bigger than they need to be. So instead of sitting the girls down and saying, “we are going to have the talk about China and your mom now,” it is an on-going conversation that could be sparked by seeing something on TV or at the mall.
   For instance, you are at the mall and you see another TRA family,this is a great opportunity to talk about TRA issues with less focus on your girls. You could say, “Look at that family, they are like us. Where do you think they are from? Do you think they talk about their mother from China, Africa etc.” How they answer these questions will give you insight in to how they are feeling and then you have the opportunity to get more personal if necessary.
   Here you are establishing that this is an safe conversation to have, a normal conversation and as they get older you can ask more personal questions.

   I hope that helps and makes sense. If not let me know.

8. Kevin,

   Thanks so much for your prompt response. This is something that I’ve been grappling with for a while and it’s good to know that the things we’ve already been doing with our girls is apparently on the right track.

   We read a lot of books in our house (not all adoption related though) and one of my favorites is “I don’t have your eyes” by Carrie Kitze. That book has sparked many different discussions about our family and how the little girls don’t look like either Mommy or Daddy or their three big brothers. Both of our girls seem okay with their stories thus far, even with the (limited) understanding they have of not being born to me, in America. My niece is pregnant again and seeing her always brings up the “I wasn’t your tummy though” conversation.

   Truthfully, I have never asked either of my girls if or what they think about their birth mother/family — I could be incredibly naive, but I don’t think they have processed the fact that though they weren’t born from me and were born in China that there is actually another person involved in the equation, despite the fact that they have often heard the term birth mother. I guess I’ll deal with those questions when they come up, and in the meantime have lots of other wonderful and challenging conversations with our almost 4 and 5 going on 13 year old daughters! (Is it just me, or do little girls grow up WAY faster than little boys?)

   Thanks again for your response. It helps a lot.

9. Kevin,

   In light of your post above, I’m curious what your take on the following blog post and subsequent comments are (I hope it’s okay to post a link here – if you don’t feel comfortable answering semi-publicly here, feel free to email me with your response).

   http://research-china.blogspot.com/2010/05/what-to-tell-and-when.html

   As evidenced by my question and comments to you, this is something I have been thinking a lot about and would really be interested to hear your thoughts. BTW, the blog author is a very controversial person in the China IA community. I neither agree nor disagree with everything he writes, but his posts almost always make me think!

   Thank you for your time,

   TB

10. TB,

    As most of the parents in the post I don’t agree. Again it feeds in to the assumption that it is the child’s responsibility to guide this difficult conversation. Waiting for the child to ask questions and sort out feelings they have is asking a bit much. I do agree that you must create an environment where the child feels welcome to ask questions. It is my opinion that ignoring a subject sends a silent message that this shouldn’t be talked about.
    As I stated in my earlier response I think there are ways to address some of these issues indirectly which helps sends the message that this subject is ok to talk about.
    Understandably the conversation has to be age appropriate and if the child is showing obvious signs they don’t want to discuss the topic that is fine. I would leave it alone but also understand their stance on that could change in a year and they may want to talk about.

    Once again, be the protector.

11. This article really made me think. I know nothing about my daughter’s background. I have often wondered how I will address this with her. She is from China so I do not ever expect to know anything new.

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