This is one of my favorite pictures of Evie and me. With each of our children, there are two or three pictures that Rachel has captured which so completely reflect my relationship with each of them and the love I feel for them.
Maybe the reason that seeing her wrapped in my arms means so much is because getting her here has been a journey, one that has taken time and tenacity. Evie has had to learn how to attach to her new parents like all adopted children. From stories we’ve heard from other adoptive parents, sometimes this transition is relatively seamless. Other times, children are fearfully clingy, some act out, still others push their parents away. Through no fault of her own, for Evie, this process of attachment was long and difficult.
Rachel was really the one who, through stubborn, determined love kept working with our precious daughter, patiently demonstrating to her that no matter how much Evie tried to keep her little heart at arm’s length, she would be a deeply loved child.
And slowly but surely, in fits and starts, Evie began reciprocating and trusting us with her own love. Looking back, it is interesting to realize that it happened in cycles. She would attach, then withdraw for awhile, then attach again; neither Evie nor us certain if she was attaching for good or if it was another trial run, where she was experimenting with trusting us just to see what it was like.
During one of those trial runs, we felt confident that she was nearly there. She had been home with us for almost a year; it felt like she had finally reached a secure place. So we opened ourselves to the possibility of growing our family once again, this time through pregnancy. Shortly after we saw those pink lines, we discovered that it had been another trial run on her part. This time, she pushed away harder, longer, and more intensely than she ever had before. Through morning sickness and all, Rachel spent her days loving the heck out of our little girl. Then slowly but surely–so slowly that I can’t even put my finger on when–she was there for good. She’d finally taken down the fierce protective shield she kept around her heart.
I don’t want to make it sound like it was easy–for Evie or for us. Too often, I’ve heard or read adoption stories where the parents are portrayed as patient heroes, making the rest of us mere mortals feel like incompetent failures. There were frustrating and heartbreaking days, with tears and sometimes a great deal of fear, where commitment over feeling is what ultimately carried the day.
Thank you Rachel for the unconditional, unbending, unyielding love you show to all of us… Jude, Indigo, Evangeline, our growing baby and me. And thank you, Evangeline, for finally opening your heart to us.
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Dan and Rachel live in San Antonio, TX and have grown their family through birth and adoption (Ethiopia) and are expecting their 4th child (biological) in October. Dan grew up in Liberia, West Africa where part of his heart still resides. Rachel is a doula and lactation consultant and is originally from Northern, WI. As transplants to South Central Texas, they appreciate the big skies and mild winters; the summers, however, are another story.
Thanks for sharing your story of hope. What a great tribute to your lovely wife!
what a beautiful, heartfelt post!
Thank you for the encouragement. We are two years post adoption and still struggle most days.
Dear Amanda,
This post, written by my husband, is really only the tip of the iceberg of what we went through in our transition home. We are very cautious about what we share online, as we feel this story is our daughter’s story to share. I can tell you that we were referred to two adoption therapists who both said that our daughter’s case was essentially hopeless. One has been doing this for over 40 years. She said our daughter was the most irritable child that she had ever seen. She would cry from the moment she woke up until she went to sleep at night. They also suggested that she may have had some in utero exposures that may have contributed to the irritability and would affect her ability to heal. E often pushed me away, refusing to bond with me, yet was a dream for strangers, wanting to go to them and preferring them over me. We tried to curtail this by not letting others hold her.
Unlike my husband’s recollection of the events, I felt that something finally “clicked” and that she woke up one day as a different child. I can only say that it was a miracle. Though one adoption therapist said that he believes that she finally accepted all of the suggestions that we were here to stay.
I’m so cautious in what to say to people who are in our shoes. I don’t want to offer spiritual platitudes or easy answers. It’s hard. I really do believe that no child is outside of the realm of healing with time. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and if you ever want to correspond more via email, you can contact me through the “Contact Me” button on my blog.
Many blessings to you and your family!
rachel
Amanda,
I did think of a couple more things in case it’s helpful. 🙂 I found it absolutely essential to be committed to excellent self care. I needed to keep my own cup full in order to parent a high need child. For me this looked like getting enough sleep, taking time each day for quiet, spending time most days doing something creative/that i love, and journaling gratitudes based on Ann Voskamp’s 1000 Gifts. Sometimes I could only spend a few minutes a day doing these things, but it made a huge difference. I also found it helpful to recognize that attachment is a partner’s dance. One of the biggest indicators of an attachment issue in the *child* is mom not feeling fully attached. This is normal. We were told that until E opened her heart to connect with us, we wouldn’t always feel those warm and fuzzy attachment feelings. I dropped any guilt related to this and accepted my own feelings exactly as they were. Finally, and this last one may sound like a spiritual platitude, but I found it helpful to recognize that God chose us to parent our specific child and there was wisdom in this decision. We always felt that E was exactly where she should be in our home and that brought us a lot of peace. Our journey taught me so much about surrender and cultivating the fruit of the spirit. It also illuminated the areas in which i lacked grace – the very heart of our religion. To love when love is not reciprocated was such a metaphor for God’s love for us in sending Jesus. I meditated on Christ’s love for us and drew a lot of strength from that on the hard days. I didn’t do any of this perfectly, of course!
Again, many blessings to you!
rachel