There isn’t a person alive who does not yearn for identity and purpose. As we raise our adopted children we see that this question of identity is often more complicated for them–complicated by a missing or shattered past, by the realities of relinquishment, rejection and abandonment, by the issue of race and culture, by tough questions of “why me” or “what if….?”
It seems to me that the people who are the most whole are the ones who are settled with who they are and enjoying a strong sense of purpose in their lives. Identity and purpose are the basic ingredients of wholeness for all of us, and most likely your adopted child will require extra effort on your part to instill and call forth his identity as a son with a destiny, her place as a daughter with a calling. It has been fascinating to me to hear that even children adopted as infants often find, once they become teenagers, that this issue of identity gets confused and complicated by the realities of adoption.
One of the most effective opposing forces to your adopted child’s sense of identity is an orphan spirit. For some children their adoption into a loving Christian family has not freed them from this sense of being an orphan– one who lacks parents, lacks love, lacks protection and provision, lacks security….. Even when the lack is replaced in adoption by a loving mother and father, a wonderful home and church with lots of friends, abundant provision in every way, this sense of being one who lacks can remain and threaten to become a child’s primary motivating identity, even years after his or her adoption as a daughter or son.
Much of our work as adoptive parents is to administer this truth, day after day and year after year, that this child is no longer an orphan, but a true Son or Daughter. One who is defined not by lack, but rather by possession and inheritance! One who is worthy, acceptable, significant, powerful, full of purpose and destiny and calling, defended, safe, beloved….
What can we parents do to help our child receive and embrace their Identity as a Son or Daughter, rejecting the lies borne out of the facts of their past? Lies that tell them “you are not significant, you don’t have what it takes, you are unloved and unwanted, you are too different to fit in, you have to fend for yourself….” Lies that keep them from connecting, and limit their ability to walk in their true destiny.
There are no simple answers to this question, but I believe there are some practical things we can do to massage into our treasured children the TRUTH of their identity.
Family Name
Be intentional about using your family name. There is something powerful about a family name. It speaks of belonging, heritage, relationship, history. When we are born again into the family of God, we take on His name and the full inheritance that goes along with it,
For Whom every family in heaven and on earth is named
Ephesians 3:15
Being named is more important to our perception of ourelves than we may realize. There is something significant for our children in hearing over and over that they are Templetons. If your child is being unkind, rather than say, “Don’t be unkind. That’s not nice,” you might say, “In the Templeton [inserting your name of course!] Family we treat each other with kindness.” Look for ways to intentionally insert your family name into daily life. “We Templetons go to church and worship God.” It may seem awkward but we have found it to communicate the truth of sonship to our children, especially in those early years.
Family Meetings
Having regular family meetings is a wonderful way to impart the wholeness of “sonship” into your adopted child. Just the gathering itself communicates that they are part of a whole or a unit, something established, something that has a history. These times can take on whatever flavor or purpose,
Thank you. Just thank you. It is beyond refreshing to see a mother of teens so enthusiastic and willing to share and encourage those of us just starting out! I get discouraged at the amount of mothers of teens (adoptive or not) who just don’t care any longer. And great advice! This is something I’ve been working through. We gave our new son a name from us in addition to retaining his 2 birth names and adding our last name… but he still perfers his birth name… it has been a struggle for me to hand that over to both him and God, I want to bless him with this new name, but he likes his original one. But I see new ideas of how to still give him a familial identity with us with out using our name for him. Thanks! I would love to hear your thoughts on having so many kiddos who are close in age… we will soon have a 6,5,4,3 and 1 year old… how does that change as they grow, how do you help them find personal and family identify when they are so close in age? Blessings.
Thank YOU Marci! I am so thankful to the Lord that this post had been refreshing to you. I can imagine how hard that is to have your son not want to use the name you gave him. We try not to take things personally, but we can’t help but feel the jab sometimes. But it really isn’t about us– I truly believe it. It is about our children figuring out who they are. And I find that so much of our parenting is sowing seeds for the future, rather than harvesting for now. Trust that all those things you are saying and doing are anointed by God to bear fruit in it’s time. Your son is absorbing his identity even though he may not be displaying it now!
I’d love to share more about having a lot of children so close in age. It’s been quite the adventure! You are asking some good questions for sure. I’ll email you soon. Bless you Marci!
Thanks for sharing. I like that you include practical ways to “feel” like family. We’ll be bringing home brothers from Ethiopia (ages 7 and 8) in a few months, and while our skin color will be different, we want to focus on all of the other things we will have in common. I’ve been reading lots of similar things in “Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child.” 🙂
Thank you Kim. How exciting that your sons will be home with you soon! You are so wise to be reading and preparing for them while you are waiting. And I’m absolutely sure that the Holy Spirit will continue to teach and lead you as you go. It’s quite the adventure! Bless you and your family!
Thank you for such practical suggestions! There is so much of this that resonated with me and I appreciate that much of it is something we can act on NOW! Thanks for sharing from your family’s experience!
You are welcome Cydil. And Thanks for your encouraging words. I always love to see how Truths work themselves out in our daily lives–the practical things that we do at home. Bless you and your family!
Wonderful advice. Have you ever thought of writing a children’s book about adoption? You have great insight.
I am thankful to God that it was helpful Jackie. You are very kind! I haven’t thought about writing a book but I do write regularly on our Hope at Home blog (hopeathomeblog.blogspot.com) I’ve always loved parenting and been passionate about what the Gospel looks like “on the ground” — in our every day lives at home with our children. It seems to me that home is like a laboratory for the truths of the Gospel. We test them out there and find out that they do indeed “work.” God is True and Good and Faithful and Redeemer……. right here in my family. For that I am overwhelmingly thankful– and I do love to share what I am learning as we go.