You can read all the adoption and attachment books you want.

You can prepare as thoroughly as possible.

Your heart can be bursting at the seams at the thought of finally meeting and bringing your child home.

And it {most likely} will still be hard to adjust.

Jet-lagged parents have little to no energy to make it through the day, let alone manage those first days of juggling the bumps of sibling adjustment.  Emotionally drained parents have little ability to truly assess how things are going, how the newest child is bonding, how the family as a whole is adjusting.  What was read in a book or learned in a seminar days, weeks, or months before can seem entirely different when you are the one navigating it all.  All the stuff you learned before you adopted can come flooding back in snippets and you might catch yourself over-analyzing every. little. thing.

Whew! She’s sleeping in her own crib…is that okay?  Does it mean she isn’t bonding…or won’t bond?

How is big sister adjusting?  Is it just me or does she seem a bit distant?

Is our child showing signs of bonding?  Even tiny signs?  

He’s crying…a lot.  Crying is good, right?  Grieving.  Or is he crying too much?  Am I not meeting his needs?

If you are like me, the desire to “get it right” and implement all those good techniques can leave you more than a bit overwhelmed and even confused.  I should know this stuff.  I’ve read all about it.  So why is it so hard to know what’s going on now that I’m in the midst of it?

Fatigue, emotions, stress, adjustment, jet-lag, they all have a way of clouding our judgement. Seeing the affects of trauma up close and personal seems more overwhelming than you thought it would be back when you read that book.

You want some advice?  Get yourself a mirror.  Yes, a mirror.

Not an actual, reflective mirror you can hold in your hand or hang on a wall.  But a trusted and wise friend, a close family member who can reflect back to you what they see in your children and in your family.  Like an actual mirror, they will be able to help you see yourself from the outside looking in.

Following both of our adoptions, the words of those closest to me — who spoke truth to me as I felt overwhelmed by how much adding a new family member rocked our carefully balanced family –were balm to my soul.  From outside of my overly analytical and emotional mind, they could see what I could not.  Their sight was not clouded by fear and worry and sheer exhaustion.  Instead they spoke back to me encouraging words about what they saw happening in our new child and in our family.

Look!  I can tell she keeps her eyes on you as you move around the room.  She wants to know where you are.  That is good!

You guys are so natural with your kids.  You are doing such a great job of keeping their routine and making life feel as normal as it can.

She already seems much more relaxed and alert.

From inside my crowded mind, I could not see what they were seeing.  My fear and worry had kept me from seeing the bits of growth happening right before my eyes.  Hearing their positive observations reflected back to me helped me to see reality a bit more clearly.

Are you feeling overwhelmed?  No matter what stage you are in the adoption process, we all find ourselves there sometimes.  Resist the urge to just keep muddling through.  Invite that trusted friend over.  Call a close family member.  Ask them to reflect back to you what they are seeing.  What they have noticed.  Let them be your mirror.

Note: Perhaps you are in the position to be a mirror for someone else.  Has God crossed your path with another adoptive parent who could maybe use some encouraging words?  Pray about how He might have you be their mirror.

______________________________

18 years in the classroom as a teacher was easy compared to parenting three little ones at home full-time. Through their three daughters, God has revealed Himself most clearly to Stephanie and her husband Matthew. He not only worked a miracle in giving them their biological daughter, He continued to show Himself in mighty ways throughout adoption journeys in China and Bhutan that were anything but normal. Nowadays she enjoys encouraging and connecting with other adoptive families through speaking and her work on the leadership team of “We Are Grafted In”.  You can read more about their family on their personal blog We Are Family.