I sat on the footstool in the middle of the dark garage bawling my eyes out. Exhausted, obviously emotional and the proud new mother of a four year old. I had dreamed of this season of life for years, and after months of paperwork, I should have been over the moon.
I was….but so much more.
I had a good silent cry and was considering the half gallon of cookie dough ice cream in our freezer. On the way to the freezer my dear hubby said a few words that jolted me.
“You felt just like this when the other two were infants. It is just like having a newborn.”
Those two simple sentences helped me so much. I just needed to label it. I was exhausted from being up in the night with a child who was trying to adjust to a new home and a new family. It was like fighting a world war to get the sweet girl to sleep and then we threatened everyone within miles who might make noise. We were trying to figure out how much she ate, what she wanted to eat and when. I never knew when she would cry and I was learning how to soothe her. Just like having an infant.
Like my dad used to joke….just like it but different.
(Besides no diapers!) The major difference was the lack of grace extended.
When you have a newborn everyone bends over backwards to help. They peek at your screaming bundle, smile, and call him cute. You are expected to get up in the middle of church. You are called a good mom when you stand at the nursery door to “check one more time that he is okay.” Even the dark circles under my eyes and the few extra pounds from late night ice cream snacks were accepted.
Somehow when the same things were happening with my new daughter….the grace wasn’t extended. No smiles when our new daughter was having a meltdown at the library and I had no idea what to do. And I certainly wasn’t showing myself grace as I wept in the garage. ”What was wrong with me? How could I be so tired and so emotional?” I moaned as I went for my comfort snack.
Heading into our second adoption I joked that it was like a paper pregnancy. Here is the other side of the story. It takes your body some time to bounce back after that paper-pregnancy. Okay, okay this might be extending the metaphor a bit too far, but hang in there with me! I am in the midst of an emotional adjustment.
Kinda cool actually.
I love that I am going through this adjustment right alongside of them. They are not alone. I am in this messy transition too.
What helps when my two year old is pitching the tantrum of the century in the grocery store parking lot because he doesn’t like the car seat? As I am getting the stink eye from the whole town who seem to be at the store at that blessed moment – I remember that he is only 6 weeks old. He has the family age of 6 weeks….he is learning that I will meet his needs just like I am learning that shopping right after nap times doesn’t seem to work well. We are learning together.
Give us a few more weeks. The bags under my eyes should be gone and we will shop with more confidence. Until then – I need to go sleep when the toddler sleeps.
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Tammy has an amazing husband and four fantastic kiddos who keep her hopping. She counts it a blessing to have such a family and is burdened by those in the world who don”t. After living in China for several years and volunteering as an art teacher in a local orphanage, she is changed. She learned that orphans in China are normal, sweet, loving children who are hoping, wishing and praying for a family to call their own. She couldn”t adopt all of her students so she is on a mission to tell others about the joys of adoption. Check out her blog Casting A Stone.
Oh! I actually said this to someone the other day: I know he’s two, but does it make more sense to you if you think of us as a few months old together? It did seem to help the situation.
Tammy, you are spot on here. I love the words you put to this, family age. I will draw great comfort from this as we continue to mesh our newest daughter into family life, teaching her what that means.
Yes! That’s just how I felt our first two months home – we had a fifty pound, flailing, hitting, all over me constantly, spitting, up-all-night and up-all-day kiddo without the grace and dinners extended to new mommies of babies. It was all consuming and exhausting. And I’m trying not to be jealous of just-had-a-newborn coworkers who are being made much of and taking time off and having dinners brought over when I was asked, again and again, why I looked so tired as my new baby was six years old. BUT, as Melissa Faye Greene said, after three months instead of having a three month old, you’ve got a child who can be recruited for the soccer team and go to school and etc…
Thank you for posting this. Such a great reminder to extend grace to our children and to ourselves as we adjust to our lives together.
Thanks for responding ladies. I really appreciate I am not alone in this transition. Praying for all of you and your children too!
This is SO how I felt when our son came home earlier this year (and I still do sometimes!). I have wished that I could just tell random people that he’s only been with us for a couple months, we’re still learning about each other, etc.
I need to give myself some more grace. Thank you!
It takes more than a few weeks, and yes, it helped us immensely to think in terms of weeks or months withing our family. Yes, ours was two years old, knew no English. We felt the change was made after 15 months with us. You can see the recognition that she is safe and secure knowing her new family. I was told once, that you should give your child as much time as they were in the orphanage at home with you to adjust and grieve. That helped with our patience. Glad you spreading the word to others, what to expect (and what not to expect).
Alyzabeth’s Mommy for Four Years