I Heart Open Adoption

Rebekah (our birth mother, if you’re just tuning in) and I (also Rebekah) are both back to work and have full schedules right now. Gone are the days of talking weekly, blogging regularly, and sharing pictures and videos back and forth, often. We do the best we can, but it seems that weeks go by before we have a block of time to call and catch up.

I headed to bed early last night, in hopes to gear up for this coming week of work, but I was missing Rebekah and decided to call her instead. The time difference makes it difficult and although I set out to only talk an hour, we chatted well past two.

Friends come in a variety. Some are needy, some are high-maintenance, some walk in and out over time, some are there everyday/through every mundane detail, and some are glued to your heart, unfettered by time or distance. Rebekah is the latter. It doesn’t matter how much time passes, we always pick up right where we left off, sharing about work and kids and life.

It will never get old.

She is my son’s mother. I’ve said it before; there is something so unique that happens when two mothers love one son. We’re able to laugh and cry and enjoy Ty together as he experiences all his firsts. It’s as natural as life. It’s not weird or awkward or strained. I don’t have to hold back my true feelings in fear of hers and there’s a mutual respect in what we’ve done for each other. I know everyone doesn’t get this. I know it looks too good to be true. I’ve had haters write subsequent posts about me and our relationship and they question the authenticity. It doesn’t bother me. I know what we have – what we are experiencing – and it’s only made possible through God’s grace.

Last night, we laughed over Ty’s tendency to throw premature temper tantrums and agreed on the importance of reading to him. We gushed over his cuteness and were thankful for the closeness he shares with his daddy. We talked about his early rising pattern, which Rebekah admitted was a trend in her other kids. To that I jokingly exclaimed, “So, you’re responsible for this!?”

Like all moms, we think he’s the smartest, cutest, most advanced baby of his time and think he has the perfect blend of biology and family.

The three of us are flying out to reunite with Rebekah and her family, this April. I was so excited last night, I had a hard time falling asleep. The Bible talks about talents and the importance of using and sharing them versus burying them away to be hidden forever. That’s sort of how we (Ben and I) view Tyrus. Apart from Christ, he is the greatest treasure we’ve been given. We don’t want to keep him close to home in fear of what may happen. We want to share him and expose him to the world. We want him to be bonded with his first family and are joy-filled that he has the opportunity to know them. We can’t wait for our trip and to show everyone how much he’s grown!

Because there are so many instances in which God seems absent or his presence hard to find, it’s important to make a raucous when we can undeniably see his hand of goodness. When I look at the revolution that has taken place in my heart, the connections that God made to bring us our son, the relationship we have with Rebekah and her kids and extended family, and the ever present smiles on that crazy-haired little boy of mine, I say – GOD, YOU ARE GOOD.

And I say it rather loud.

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Rebekah

Next to my faith walk, I am a wife and mother first. My husband and I have been married ten years and have two incredibly, tender sons, Tyrus and LJ.
Our boys are essentially twins, yet neither boy was born from my belly. We adopted sweet Ty (domestically) in 2009 and have a wide-open relationship with his birth family. LJ was also born in the summer of 2009, but came to our family, this year, as a ward of the state (via foster care). Our hearts and abilities have been stretched to capacity, but God is moving, filling, and redefining family for all of us.

8 Replies to “I Heart Open Adoption”

  1. Rebekah, I love your heart. We, too, have a very special relationship with the “other mother” of our two sons. It is nice to have the ability to ask biological questions and compare stories. She’s the only other person who will 100% rejoice in the same way I do over those milestones.

  2. Shout it, Sister!!! I am blessed with a similar relationship with my daughter’s birth mama. It is the most beautiful, unexpected gift. Loved hearing your take on it.

  3. This blows me away.
    I will never know my (internationally adopted) daughter’s birth mother. Even so, I spent a year feeling very jealous towards her genetic claim to my daughter. I am finally beginning to love her, pray for her, and allow immense gratitude to replace my sinful attitudes.

    Thank you for showing us your heart, and the purity of your relationship with you son’s first (other?) mother.

    1. Rachel,
      It has been more difficult coming to terms with my lack-of relationship with my newly adopted (from foster care) son’s birth mother. I will probably never meet or know her and there are just too many unanswered questions…However, God has been stirring my heart for her, this week, and I’ve begun to look at her through his eyes. In fact, I just wrote a post about what it’s like to have two sons with three mothers. I find it to be humbling, rewarding, and completely stretching.

  4. Rebekah,

    I came to you via Shannan’s (Flower Patch Farmgirl) tweet. And, I’m overwhelmed. I have everything in me not to bawl my eyes out, but I’m at work and my office door is open and I just can’t have tears streaming down my face (that’d just be silly).

    Your words overwhelmed me. I have a piercing sense that God wants to involve me and my family in adoption, but for a long time it hasn’t made a bit of sense–which is exactly what a miracle is all about, right? We have one son of our own who I birthed. I gave up the life of another when I was a teenager. And we lost one five months utero. Two loses and one miracle birth Wonder over what’s next.

    I want to follow your story. I feel compelled to get to know you. Your perspective changes everything for me. Gives me color to wonder.

    Hugs and rich blessings,
    Amy

    1. Amy,
      Your words are kind. If I were to be accused for writing with an agenda, it would be to help open the eyes and hearts of loving families to consider adoption…especially foster care adoption. Ben and I do not possess any superhero strengths, we merely said “yes” when we heard God ask – and I think we may have whispered! You can connect with me via email, through my blog, if you want to talk more. I’d love to answer any questions you may have or hold your hand through the process – it’s not for the faint of heart.

      I pray that God would continue to reveal his purpose for your family!

      – R

  5. My husband and I are currently in the process of finishing our Homestudy for a domestic adoption and when we’ve been asked about the level of openness that we are comfortable with, what you’ve described here is our best case scenario. I don’t know what God has in store for us, and I know that we’re in His hands so I don’t need to worry, but your post comforted me today. Thank you.

  6. Erin,
    When we’re able to love beyond ourselves, God is able to do incredible miracles. Hang in there, girl…it’s a ride!! 🙂

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