We could not believe that we had been so deceived.
After months of preparation for adoption, first through foster care, and then from a birth mother who had approached us at church, we were within days of our twins being born. Only there were no twins. There were no babies at all. The birth mother was not even pregnant. We had been robbed, deceived, heartbroken.
Grief. The dark hole of the soul that seems to have no limits to its depth. My plans, my dreams, my joys, were ripped out from under me and my heart tumbled in a free fall into the murky pit of grief.
I mourned the children that never were. Though they had names, they had never existed. How do you grieve someone who never existed?
I grieved motherhood. For years, I had prayed that God would make me a mother, and I had believed that I was at last realizing that dream, only to have that dream snatched away.
I mourned my plans. My plans were to spend the first half of the summer devoted to being home. Though I knew the crazy schedules and sleeplessness would be exhausting, those disruptions were desired and loved. Now, I would have to take on a tremendous load of work
He is good… all the time. I experienced some of the emotions you’ve expressed so well here when we sufferend through two miscarriages and more recently, heartbreaking deception that led to a failed adoption in Malawi this December. Through it all, we came to know God’s grace and care for us in new and greatly encouraging ways. I pray that I’ll always be able to echo your words: “I would rather be falling into a dark pit of grief, knowing that I am in the center of God’s will, than be living my dreams without God as the center of it all.” Thanks for sharing!
Your story is heartbreaking. But you must take action so this never happens to another family. This requires legal action. Seriously. This must not be allowed to continue. Remember, your hearts are full of love for those children, those children DO exist, just in other bodies, from other mothers, but there ARE children out there God has chosen for you. This is only my view and feelings after a last minute failed adoption attempt, but within weeks, it became clear God had more special, better plans for us. There was another most precious child intended for us, that needed US, and we were all ready. God moves in mysterious ways. With love, Karin
Thank you for your comments. We did file a police report, but they were not interested in even investigating. I had kept hundreds of pages of paperwork, but they’ve never even looked at it. That’s when I realized that this was not about her, or about what was around the corner, but about God’s goodness in the midst of dark places. In trying to justify the experience, I was not trusting in His Providence, no matter what that may bring. If He wants criminal prosecution, it will come. If He wants us to adopt other children, it will happen. But even if those things never happen, God is worthy of our praise. I cannot try to fit God into my plans, or justify His actions, and still call Him God. And I’m blessed to be a part of His plan, whatever that may bring.
“The point of surrendering my life to God is not so that He can help me fulfill my dreams… The point of surrendering my life is to glorify God, even if I must glorify Him in the midst of mourning.” These words really spoke to me. Thank you for sharing them. I remember a time when I was struggling with my hearing loss and someone shared a quote with me by Spurgeon “We will only regret that we did not suffer more.” I didn’t understand that then. But as the Lord reveals Himself to us He gives us a greater understanding of how “His strength is made perfect in our weakness.” His light shines so much brighter against the contrast of those dark places. I am praying for you… that in your weakness He will show Himself strong… and in your dark place, His glory will shine bright. Much love sweet sister in Christ.
Thank you Stacy. How I wish we could understand God just as clearly without suffering, but you’re right, we only truly understand His strength in our weakness. Fortunately, our story does not end there, and we have continued to pursue His plan for adoption, and we are excited about what God has in store! Thank you for your love and prayers! We need them both!