If you had been mine from the beginning, I would have cried tears of joy as soon as I knew you were growing inside me.

If you had been mine from the beginning, Daddy and I would have stayed up late at night dreaming about you: who you would be, what you would look like, who you would become. I would have sung lullabies to you, and Daddy would have read books to my tummy as I rocked gently in my rocking chair.

If you had been mine from the beginning, Daddy and I would have walked through the baby store, hand in hand, making plans for you. I would have been so proud of my big baby belly, and thrilled with each tiny kick from inside. As the time grew closer for you to come, we would have been so excited; we hardly would have been able to wait to meet you.

If you had been mine from the beginning, Daddy would have held my hand, lovingly urging me on as I struggled to bring you into the world. Your first cry would have filled us with a joy like no other, and I would have cried happy tears as I held you in my arms for the first time. Recognizing my voice, you would have looked up at me with your beautiful, trusting brown eyes…

…and you would have known instantly that I would love you forever.

If you had been mine from the beginning, I would have held you close to my heart: nursing you, covering your downy baby head with millions of tiny kisses, marvelling at all your perfect little fingers and toes. I would have held you for hours, drinking in your warmth and your sweet baby smell.

If you had been mine from the beginning, your new-baby cry would have broken my heart. I would have spent hours soothing you, if you needed to be soothed. I would have rocked you and held you and changed you and fed you and burped you and kissed your sweet baby face another billion times.

If you had been mine from the beginning, I would have spent hours looking into your darling face. I would have cooed at you and smiled at you, and Daddy and I would have gazed down at you with love in our eyes, and we would have celebrated those first little sounds that you made…and every little thing you did after. When you rolled over, sat up by yourself, clapped your chubby hands, spoke your first words, took your first steps…we would have been right there cheering you on.

If you had been mine from the beginning, I would have kept you with me always. I would have made up a gazillion silly little songs to animate our days together, and I would have read books to you and dressed you up and put tiny little bows in your hair. As you grew, I would have taught you your numbers and your colors and your ABCs, and I would have pushed you on the swings at the park. You would have laughed and squealed in delight, and looked at me with your beautiful, chocolate brown eyes…

…and you would have known that Mama would love you forever.

If you had been mine from the beginning, you would never have worried that someday, you might be abandoned. You wouldn’t, deep down, think that you’re worthless and unlovable.

If you had been mine from the beginning, you wouldn’t feel the need to control everything. You wouldn’t be so full of anger and fear and you wouldn’t have the need to fight against me and Daddy and against everything we ask you to do.

If you had been mine from the beginning, things would have been so much easier for you…and for me…and for our family. You would have been a happy, care-free child. You would have let the adults worry about adult things, and you would have spent all your energy on simply being a child.

If you had been mine from the beginning, you would trust me, and you would trust my decisions.

You would trust that I’ll love you forever, no matter what.

It’s been a tough day, huh, kiddo?
It was the kind of day that makes me cry out to God, asking Him to take away the suffering I see in your heart. The suffering that’s in my heart, too. I wish life could be easier for us, and especially for you, dear one.

But I know you’re going to make it.
We’re going to make it.
I believe in you, and I believe in us.
We’re fighters, you and me.

Oh, girl. How I wish you had been mine from the beginning.

No matter how many days like today we have, no matter what you do or how angry I am or how horrible you feel, I promise you…I’m so thankful that you’re mine now.

Mama loves you, Butterfly.
And I’ll love you forever…no matter what.

___________________________

I’m married to a man that makes me laugh so hard that I usually end up in tears. He was saved four years into our marriage, and then we turned our union over to God and His plans. God took our offer and blessed it with four children in two years (two through the U.S. foster care system and two through good old-fashioned baby-making), and has since given us two more little biological sons, now 2 years and 3 months old. If anyone’s keeping track, that’s six children in seven years. Did I mention I’m insane? No seriously, God is good. He’s gently leading me down the paths of mothering, partnering with my incredible hubby, dealing personally with impulsive ADHD, homeschooling, and helping our adopted kids overcome Reactive Attachment Disorder. I’ve got a lot to learn, and most days I wonder how God could possibly love me with the absolute abandon that He does. I’m so thankful and so blessed, and I write about raising RAD kids, my family, and my lifelong journey of Overcoming Myself. Feel free to visit, but don’t expect perfection…the only good in me comes from Him.

I’m such a numbers girl. Give me percentages, and I start tracking. When I read these numbers a few weeks ago, they stuck with me. The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services reported that 30% of all Americans reported having seriously considered adopting at some point in their lives. Yet, only 2% actually adopt. That means that of those who say they’ve seriously considered adopting, 14 out of 15 don’t ever do it.

Why not? It’s daunting—the financial cost, the impact this child will have on your family, the overwhelming number of unknowns. It’s no easy thing. We get that.

As we walked that road ourselves and alongside other families, we saw a need. That 2% of families who were taking that leap of faith to bring a child into their family through adoption—they needed more support. So, we took the leap of faith ourselves to do whatever we could to do just that.

Two years ago, we started The Sparrow Fund to give grants to families specifically for the purpose of family support through programs around the country that provide preadoption support and counsel, on-call support for families while they travel across the world to meet their children and bring them home, and support once they are home to help both the parents, new son or daughter, and family as a whole become a family.

Recognizing more need, we added programs to encourage and support families from those waiting to meet their children to those who have been home for years. We’ve helped families learn about the unique needs of children who have been adopted in the classroom and how to use correction as a vehicle of connection with their children in a way that is sensitive to them and their histories. And, this past February, we put on a weekend retreat for couples to be reminded of their calling as parents and refreshed to continue serving their children. When registration opened nearly 5 months before the event, it sold out in 16 hours. The need is undeniable.

We’re not interested in growing the number of families adopting; that’s not our focus. Rather, our focus is on pouring into that 2% who are adopting; we want to love and serve them and do whatever we can to make the daunting a little less daunting. And, maybe, just maybe, as the daunting becomes less daunting and the support available becomes more readily available, we’ll see more of those families who have seriously considered adopting say, “maybe we can do this afterall.”

Today starts an important month around here. A whole bunch of folks are coming alongside of us, saying, “Yes, we support adoptive families and the work of The Sparrow Fund to pour into them. And, we want to help.” This May, in our third annual fundraiser, about 50 businesses have made a commitment to help us build the nest so that we can help others as they build their nests. In addition to event sponsors who have donated set amounts to get that nest going, these business partners have made the commitment to give 10% of their total sales throughout the month of May to The Sparrow Fund so that we can do what we do.

That’s where you come in. CLICK HERE to see them all on one page or check them out below. Start clicking, and start shopping. Shopping purposefully is pretty fun. Let’s work together to make that 10% something crazy big.

Clothing & Accessories

Jewelry Design

Art and Design

Home

Special Gifts & Treats

Books, Toys, & Musical Things

Photographers

Sponsors for Building the Nest

To get the nest started…

Sparrow Sponsors

Trades of Hope

Trades of Hope empowers women to create sustainable businesses worldwide. Their desire is for women worldwide to realize their potential as world changers, business owners, dream creators, and heroes of their own stories. A perfect supporter to build the nest for The Sparrow Fund.

Norman L. Graham, Inc.

Norman L. Graham, Inc. is a premier builder of custom homes and additions in South Central Pennsylvania. From design to construction, every Norman L. Graham project is built with care and careful attention to detail. What better partner to build the nest than a company who is all about nest building.

Other Sponsors

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Forever changed by our experience of being adopted and adopting, Kelly is a stay-at-home mom/manager to 4 children and a professional juggler, juggling her calling as wife and mother with her secondary callings (editing and serving adoptive families through The Sparrow Fund). You can learn more about their adoption story, how they’ve been changed, and what life for them looks like on their personal blog, My Overthinking (where she’s going to have some super sweet giveaways this month, by the way).

I’ve been counting down the days until this Spring’s Created For Care conference for over a year.

I stayed up until midnight the night registration opened to make sure I got on the list before it sold out.  I arranged a sitter months ago.  I made new friends online and even arranged to share a room with someone I’d never met, which is huge for a socially awkward girl such as myself.

Created For Care is a conference for Moms who have adopted to come together and be refreshed.  To learn more about what it means to parent for these kids that come from a broken past.

Cause y’all, it’s hard.

Harder then I ever imagined.

Josie’s six now and it’s been about six months since the questions started.

Some are easy, “How big was I when I came home to you?”

Some squeeze my chest until there’s no air left and I have to actively fight the tears back, “Can I call her Mommy?  Does she love me?  Would it be OK if I love her?”

It wretches and twists.

I selfishly want her all to myself, but that’s not the truth.  She once belonged to someone else and even if that woman has no clue what she gave up when she walked out of that hospital and left my Josie Girl behind, Josie has a right to know about her, to love her if she wants to.

I want so, so badly for her to have a positive view on her adoption story.  It’s special and,miraculous.  Touched by God so obviously that anyone can see it.  And everyday that Josie gets older I’m more aware that how she feels about her adoption will lay largely on how I react to her questions.

We’ve been age appropriate, but open with her.

We’ve recently began sharing more details with her when she asks.  We don’t know much and a lot of her story she won’t be mature enough to hear for quite awhile, but she has names and her birth story and, yes baby, you can love her too.

“You don’t look like your Mommy,” her true to the world six year old friend states matter of factly and I see her eyes searching mine.  I know that she’s feeling shy so I take her hand in mine and share the mystery of adoption with a huge smile on my face.  I watch her friend get excited and yell out, “you got to be adopted?!?!” and there’s Josie’s smile.  She’s ready to share.

Born in an ambulance, made to be a Pope but had to find us first.  It’s her story and she’s piecing it together and I’m letting her grow and ask and trying hard to hold fast to my peace that I get to be her Mommy now and it’s ok, it’s good, to share.

So it’s hard and I was excited to go to Created For Care.

I was going to meet other moms that could really understand me and hear me and know I wasn’t complaining or ungrateful, but learning and feeling my way though, hoping I don’t screw up these kids.

And maybe a little bit scared too.

The closer the conference got though, the crazier our days were getting.  We have a few big trips coming up and I am struggling to find ways to fit everything in.  I tried to fight it and push on, but the feeling that something had to give kept pushing back.

And after a stressful morning where I was unkind to Josie, I looked at her coloring at the school table and my solution became clear.  I didn’t need a weekend away to refresh and regroup.  I needed a weekend away with her.

Just the two of us.  Where we can talk and make memories and nurture this bond.

And so we are.

This morning we hopped on a plane and are headed to our Winter Wonderland.  We should land in Minnesota anytime now.  We are going to have tea and meet Baby Ralphie and, if I can talk myself into it, spend some time sledding down hills in the freezing cold.

Sometimes I have to get out of my own head and refocus on what’s important.  I’m sure I’ll go to that conference someday.  But today I’m going to hold my daughter’s hand and celebrate everything God gave me when he handed me this child.

It isn’t easy, but it’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

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Nicole is a Northern Girl turned Southern Belle. She loves Starbucks, Photography, and Homeschool Curriculum Catalogs. Passionate about Jesus, adoption, and squeezing all the love and joy out of each day. You can follow along with her life at www.JourneyToJosie.com

I think I am back on my feet.

I spent a couple of days in denial before I finally faced my crushed emotions about having to wait even longer for our daughter. I felt victimized by our circumstances. In some ways, it is still tough for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I have NEVER heard of another Ugandan adoption taking 19 months

There are not many situations in our lives that are so deeply rooted in contradiction.

Adoption.

The family born through hurt, anger, poverty, disease, and abandonment.

The laughter peeking through years of late night weeping.

The smiles forcing their way out of night terrors and a childhood lost.

The perseverance of parents wanting to love a child deeply, but finding the bricks built higher and higher in his fortress of protection.

The task is not just about loving a child. It’s about allowing yourself to be abandoned. Allowing the words of the Lord speak for you when the end of yourself seems too far.

The time lost to poverty and sickness. God can redeem.

A word spoken in harshness to a child wrapped in hurt and confusion. God can restore.

A child afraid of being abandoned. Again. A parent longing for a hug from a child who sees a hug as threatening, not loving. God can remember.

The heart can seem lost and the days can seem surrendered to impatience. God can refresh.

God never promises us easy days. Quite the opposite actually. He understands having a son betrayed and mocked. He cares for His children who scream curses and walk away, turning their backs on Him.

But only for a time.

His redemption is sure.
His restoration is complete.

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Carrie and her family have lived in China for 7 years. A homeschooling mother of 5, she makes it through the day with prayer and a bit of caffeine. 3 years ago, God flipped their family’s world upside down through the blessing of adoption. They have watched Him not only orchestrate the adoption but compose a life dependent on His grace. Her first book, Redefining Home: Squatty Potties, Split Pants, and Other Things that Divide My World, came out not long ago. Feel free to follow along and laugh at their crazy lives with them at Rescued Remnant.