Category: Practicalities

Posts about the adoption process itself

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Caution: Sending Gifts to Your Child Preadoption

Sending a small gift and/or photobook to a child before he or she comes home has become nearly universal. It has also become quite common for parents to use an in-country service to send additional gifts.

But caution is needed.

And no, I’m not talking about the legalities of sending gifts. That’s a whole topic in itself. The caution hits much closer to home–our child’s heart.

It’s exciting to pick out gifts for our child, when what we really want is to gift them with our presence–and a plane ticket home to forever. A photo album is incredibly important to help them begin to transition and prepare for adoption. A gift can give them a sense of belonging and love. Parents send small stuffed animals, toys, candy, hair clips, and other cool stuff–whatever they can fit in a manila envelope (the gift size most agencies allow–at least when adopting an older child).

But a gift can also bring pain.

How?

Unfortunately, I’ve learned it through my own children’s experiences. And I’ve also learned through multiple other families experiences which is what this post is all about.

Yes, a gift can make a child feel loved and special. It can be exciting for him or her to finally have a gift from someone–someone who LOVES them. It might be the first gift he or she has ever received. But, here are some questions to consider:

  • Will the gift cause jealousy amongst the other children in the orphanage or foster family? Will this jealousy manifest itself in harm to our child–not just at the time the gift is given, but later?
  • Even if it doesn’t cause jealousy, will it cause emotional pain for the other children who may never get a family of their own–let alone a special gift?
  • Will the gifts suddenly disappear in the night? (Remember, there are multiple children in orphanages, sometimes older teens, multiple caregivers/foster parents living hand-to-mouth, and the blackmarket will pay enough on many small gifts to feed a family for a week.)
  • If the gift “disappears” how will my child feel?
  • Will the gift make my child feel guilty? Sad? Many children give their gifts away, because they feel sad for the other children without a family. Or they leave the gifts with their foster families, because they know they have so little. And yet, our child feels conflicted, because they really did want to keep their gifts.
  • How will our child feel if they have to leave the gifts behind on adoption day?
  • How will our child feel if they never receive a gift that we sent? How will we feel? Anger? Resentment?
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What’s in a Name?

There isn’t a person alive who does not yearn for identity and purpose. As we raise our adopted children we see that this question of identity is often more complicated for them–complicated by a missing or shattered past, by the realities of relinquishment, rejection and abandonment, by the issue of race and culture, by tough questions of “why me” or “what if….?”

It seems to me that the people who are the most whole are the ones who are settled with who they are and enjoying a strong sense of purpose in their lives. Identity and purpose are the basic ingredients of wholeness for all of us, and most likely your adopted child will require extra effort on your part to instill and call forth his identity as a son with a destiny, her place as a daughter with a calling. It has been fascinating to me to hear that even children adopted as infants often find, once they become teenagers, that this issue of identity gets confused and complicated by the realities of adoption.

One of the most effective opposing forces to your adopted child’s sense of identity is an orphan spirit. For some children their adoption into a loving Christian family has not freed them from this sense of being an orphan– one who lacks parents, lacks love, lacks protection and provision, lacks security….. Even when the lack is replaced in adoption by a loving mother and father, a wonderful home and church with lots of friends, abundant provision in every way, this sense of being one who lacks can remain and threaten to become a child’s primary motivating identity, even years after his or her adoption as a daughter or son.

Much of our work as adoptive parents is to administer this truth, day after day and year after year, that this child is no longer an orphan, but a true Son or Daughter. One who is defined not by lack, but rather by possession and inheritance! One who is worthy, acceptable, significant, powerful, full of purpose and destiny and calling, defended, safe, beloved….

What can we parents do to help our child receive and embrace their Identity as a Son or Daughter, rejecting the lies borne out of the facts of their past? Lies that tell them “you are not significant, you don’t have what it takes, you are unloved and unwanted, you are too different to fit in, you have to fend for yourself….” Lies that keep them from connecting, and limit their ability to walk in their true destiny.

There are no simple answers to this question, but I believe there are some practical things we can do to massage into our treasured children the TRUTH of their identity.

Family Name

Be intentional about using your family name. There is something powerful about a family name. It speaks of belonging, heritage, relationship, history. When we are born again into the family of God, we take on His name and the full inheritance that goes along with it,

For Whom every family in heaven and on earth is named
Ephesians 3:15

Being named is more important to our perception of ourelves than we may realize. There is something significant for our children in hearing over and over that they are Templetons. If your child is being unkind, rather than say, “Don’t be unkind. That’s not nice,” you might say, “In the Templeton [inserting your name of course!] Family we treat each other with kindness.” Look for ways to intentionally insert your family name into daily life. “We Templetons go to church and worship God.” It may seem awkward but we have found it to communicate the truth of sonship to our children, especially in those early years.

Family Meetings

Having regular family meetings is a wonderful way to impart the wholeness of “sonship” into your adopted child. Just the gathering itself communicates that they are part of a whole or a unit, something established, something that has a history. These times can take on whatever flavor or purpose,

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The Waiting Game {Maintaining Your Sanity During the Wait}

During our paperwork phase, I learned that adoption can really turn you into a loon.

I think this is especially true when the waiting starts.

For you non-adoption folks, you should know adoption is one wait after another. Waiting for a referral. Waiting for a court date. Waiting to travel. Waiting for an embassy date. Waiting, waiting, waiting. It’s just the way it goes. Some of my friends that are starting to understand this will ask me, “So what are you waiting on now?”

I’ve compiled this little list of ways to remain sane when the wait starts to get intense. I am not saying there is anything wrong with thinking about adoption or the baby coming home, but I often see mommies get downright obsessive over it, and that’s just not healthy! So, after nearly losing my mind a time or two, these are my ideas on (hopefully) not going nuts during the wait:

1.) Get off the internet. Now. Stop reading blogs about adoption. Stop reading Yahoo and Facebook adoption groups. Stop checking your e-mail all day long to see if there is any news. To keep this simple, I have a little rule for myself that I never get online when my children are in the room. Some days I do a better job of this than others, but it’s something to shoot for anyway.

2.) Try having conversations without using the words, “adoption,” “referral,” or “travel.”

3.) Go on a diet. Yea. I know that sounds strange, but it really is helpful to have a non-adoption goal you are working toward. Taking advantage of this time to take care of your body before your child comes home just makes sense.

4.) Pick a project (preferrably a non-baby related one) to occupy your mind. I am redecorating my kids’ play area in the least expensive way possible. I find that sewing – even though I’m not great at it – is very therapeutic.

5.) Find exercise you enjoy and do it. What does exercise have to do with adoption? I don’t know, but I do know that my daily Jazzercise class releases some endorphins and helps me clear my head. It gets me out of the house, forces me to girate my hips at 9:30 AM in a church sanctuary, a win-win situation all around.

6.) Focus on the kids you have now (assuming you have kids.) A friend gave me some great advice about taking the time before the baby comes home to give your other children some extra attention, or just to enjoy them before the family goes through the transition period of bringing a new sibling home. I did this with Cade before having Ellie, and we had some really special times together during his last few weeks as an only child.

7.) Consider revising some of your routines so there is less of a shock when babe comes home. I started thinking about the things our family normally does that we will need to change before our child comes home. For example, I am guilty of leaving the TV on as background noise while I go about my day. I switched this to the soft piano music of David Nevue, and I can’t explain what a difference it has made!

8.) Research. If being proactive helps, try spending some time researching good sensory toys (as many children from orphanages suffer from sensory deprivation) or even make some sensory kits of your own. Filling a tub with dried rice and beans and hiding small toys in it is an inexpensive and fun sensory building activity.

9.) Stay connected with your real life friends. In the throes of adoption, it becomes all too easy to seclude yourself to the world of adoption blogs and groups. It is so important to continue to nurture relationships with your real life friends though. Even if it feels like they don’t understand what you’re going through, focus on all of the things you do have in common rather than the things you don’t. And just a hint, don’t talk about adoption all the time. It gets old for other people.

10.) See the unique beauty of this time and seize it. At the end of each pregnancy, I would find myself thinking of how soon life would never be the same. Rather than wishing this time away, cherish it as a season of life that will not come again. Rest, get healthy and energized, so that you can do the work of parenting that God has called you to.

Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.
– Psalm 27:14

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Lara

Lara is a Jesus-loving, book-reading, coffee-drinking, kid-chasing farmer’s wife of 5 years. She and her beloved farmer, Jon, have two kids, Cade (4) and Ellie (20 months). They are waiting, waiting, and waiting to adopt from Uganda.

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Go With the Heart

As our travel to China approached, I was a bit obsessed with reading books about adoption. Adoption and attachment, sleep, and eating.

Obsessed.

Then, we met Grace.

I’ve read them all. I have. But, when she was finally with us. It was time to throw the books out the window and go with the heart.

That first week in China. She slept. It was GREAT. Other families in our travel group were fighting with the kids to get them to go to sleep, to get them to stay asleep, to have them sleep soundly (mind you…they were all older than Grace). I was feeling blessed. We were sleeping.

Then, we came home.

Then, she had surgery.

Now, we are not.

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An Open Adoption? (Part 2)

Read Part 1 here.

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The phrase, “Adoption begins in pain” kept echoing in my mind and heart. Yes, but how does it end? What is the best way to bring healing? Open? Closed? Semi-open? And, if it’s open, what does it look like???

Enter bloggers! Grace in My Heart informed me that Small Treasures had experienced both open and closed adoptions and could talk about both perspectives! After reading her story I was amazed at her experience and stunned by how positive it was. I emailed Kristen, and she wrote back right away. Her email was like an IV of Peace. It flooded my system and instantly relaxed my fears. She explained that having experienced both, she actually preferred open, and NEVER would have guessed that she would feel that way! She told me how she loves knowing where her daughter gets this or that trait and that she’ll be able to share that with her daughter. She also informed me that birthmoms need to move on with their life and that contact may not continue in such a regular manner.

Another blogger gave me her phone number and we talked for almost an hour. She said a few things that really struck me, the most profound was, “There is a God-given relationship between a birth-mom and baby, and I respect that relationship.” True. Another statement to get tossed around in my heart and mind! She also spoke of the joy of developing a relationship with the birthmom during her pregnancy. In her case, they talked on the phone everyday. This, she pointed out, would greatly help my fear that the adoption would not work out, because you get a direct feel for how she is feeling about the situation. Is she wavering? Dead-set? Does she have the support of friends and family?

She also gave advice that put my husband’s fears at bay. Right now, the birthmom is totally in the driver’s seat. She’s calling the shots and saying what she wants this to look like. But, after the adoption is final, we’re in the driver’s seat. And, if the relationship was no longer healthy, we could cut off contact. Now I would never ever ever promise to do one thing (contact) while planning on doing another. But, as the Daddy wanting to protect his family and baby, it brought my husband (and me) peace knowing that we COULD take action if it was absolutely necessary. Furthermore, the birthmother realizes this, too, and as a result, respects the relationship.

***Please read that last paragraph in the spirit it is meant. Again- I would NEVER promise something without intending to do it. And anyone planning on such action would be dead wrong and guilty of moral sin, in my opinion.***

I also spoke with a friend who was adopted about her experience. Her adoption was closed, and she has no knowledge of her birthmother. She doesn’t know her medical history, what her birth parents look like, or the reasons for the adoption, and she has hurt as a result. She speculated that openness would have helped heal these wounds.

And what of Scripture? One of the special things about adoption is that WE have been adopted. Adopted children have a very real experience of what that means. As I discovered in Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches by Russell Moore, adoption is identity. It tells us who we are in the Lord.

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An Open Adoption? (Part 1)

So here we are…moving towards a baby and an open adoption. We’re going to be PARENTS!!! The reality has not sunk in at all! There are so many unknowns in adoption. Should we start buying things? How can we not? How can we? But, there are even more questions about what an open adoption is and what it looks like. The Lord has opened my heart beyond belief in this, and I want to share the process with you here.

As I freaked out prayed about the reality of an open adoption, I did what any other rational woman would do. I googled it. (Turns out the birth mother did, too!) As I browsed through blogs and websites, I found four words that struck me to my core: “Adoption begins in pain.”

“Adoption begins in pain.”

“Adoption begins in pain.” I kept turning the words over and over in my mind. I thought about them while I showered, cooked, cleaned, and folded laundry. I kept mulling them over pondering their truth, significance and implications. Then as I was drying my hair one morning, I felt God calling me to my old faithful journal.

I wiped the dust off and cracked my old friend open only to find the last words I had written six months ago. “Your fears are a passport to a new state, to a higher level, to a greater joy” (from A Call to Joy – Living in the Presence of God by Matthew Kelly).

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