Adoption and Faith Archives - Page 27 of 44

January 18, 2013

Same Love, Different Love

I think one of the biggest misgivings people have about adoption is wondering if they can love an adopted child as much as a biological child.

I’ve been asked it.

And I’ve answered it in various ways….depending on where we were on this journey.

I’m going to be honest here.

Back when we adopted Rylie, deep down, I might have answered in a way that showed my doubt. She was tough. And a lot of the time, I was faking it. And a lot of the time, I wasn’t very good at faking it.

And I wondered.

Can I really love this kid? I mean, really love her like my others?

Without convincing myself? Without trying to convince other people?

And if I can….when? When will it happen?

Because it wasn’t instantaneous. And I was completely unsure if she would ever really feel like my daughter.

It was hard to love a kid who gave you absolutely nothing in return. Who fought you every step of the way. It just was. And I’m only human, so I’ll admit that.

With Jude, it was much more instantaneous. Because he was so darn lovable. And he made loving him easy.

Same as Jonah.

Same as Reagan.

Love at first sight.

Now back to Rylie….

Let me say…unequivocally….without question…I. LOVE. THIS. GIRL.

I love her as much as I love my other kids. I don’t always get along with her as well. But I love her.

Deeply.

Fiercely.

Just different.

She doesn’t make me mushy with the warm fuzzies.

She is usually pushing my buttons in some way….and I sense she gets a great bit of joy out of that. 😉

But still, I love her.

I love her in a “I can’t handle her dealing with any more injustice and tragedy in her life than she has already experienced” kind of way. In a vengeful kind of way. In a fighting kind of way.

Because her life hasn’t been fair. And it’s wounded her in a lot of ways.

But I venture to say that in the end, SHE will be the one I am the most proud of.

Because when I look at her on the playground at preschool…..playing by herself because the other kids can’t understand her, I realize how brave she is. And I realize how much I admire her tenacity.

And I realize that it makes my heart physically hurt to see her experience that.

And I want to fix it and shelter her from it.

She’s got a lot to overcome. She risks a lot of hurt and rejection coming her way in the future.

And I know that loving her doesn’t change that.

But I hope it helps her get through it.

I hope it helps her realize her value. Her worth.

I hope it shows others a glimpse of God’s love for us….despite how utterly unlovable we sometimes are.

So….can you? Can you love an adopted child as much as a biological one?

Well, let’s just say if you mess with her, I will mess. you. up.

And if that’s not love, then I don’t know what is.

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Jennifer and Rush Middleton have been married for 11 years and have 4 kids, Jonah (8), Reagan (5), Rylie (3) and Jude (2). Rylie came home from China in 2010 and Jude just arrived earlier this year. The Middletons have been through the easy and the hard of bringing a child into their family, yet the awesome gift of adoption has rocked their worlds in more ways than they can count. You can check out their blog about family, life, adoption, cleft lip/palate and other randomness at Apple Pie and Egg Rolls.

January 14, 2013January 13, 2013

I Can’t

God planted in my heart love for a little girl who needed me. I didn’t know who she was, but I prayed for her. Over time, we opened our hearts to a sibling group. Somehow I knew it would be three, and I would pray for our three children whom we did not yet know. When we picked up our children, I felt a connection because I had prayed for them daily for several months. It was easy to take them in my arms and tell them I loved them. I truly did, but I didn’t know how much that love would be tested.

In the beginning weeks, the sheer stress of adapting from four children to seven was enough to make me question my sanity and, yes, even my love. Many times, I didn’t think I could function another minute. I remember kneeling beside my bed begging Jesus to intercede on my behalf. I cried out, “Lord, you know my heart. Now please talk to the Father about it. I don’t know how or what to pray. But I know I just can’t do this…I can’t do this.” Sobs racked my body as I wept before the Lord. After my emotions were spent, I strangely felt at peace. God ministered to my heart and in the quietness I realized, “No, I can’t, but He can.”

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

The apostle Paul penned these words at the end of his letter to the Philippians. Paul suffered many hardships for Christ. He had been shipwrecked, beaten, jailed, falsely accused, and much more. Yet I love verse 11 because he says, “I have learned to be content, whatever the circumstances.” Isn’t that what life is, a learning process?

I learned that day on my knees, “I can’t, but He can.” I got up with renewed strength knowing that just as God was faithful to minister to my hurting heart, He would be faithful to help me love all his precious children. He would create in me a love with a bond so strong that I would no longer think, “I can’t.”

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My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We have 7 children. Our first four were biological (Ryan-18, Kaytlin-16, Alex-14, Cory-12). Then God brought us three children through foster care whom we adopted (Troy-14, Michael-11, Amber-9). We love the Lord above all and desire to bring up children who love Him as well. My husband has ministered at the same church for the past 15 years, and my greatest joy is to serve alongside him. Other things I enjoy include reading, writing, baking, and entertaining in our home. My life

January 11, 2013January 11, 2013

My Diagnosis

We tried to get pregnant for five years before we began the adoption process. No diagnosis was ever determined for me. I remember thinking that, in some ways, it would have been nice to have an answer to why we were not getting pregnant. That way we could either have closure or fix the problem.

Now I know my diagnosis. It’s called, “God-had-other-plans-that-are-better-than-mine.” His plan far exceeded my expectations.

Even as we began our second adoption, I found myself reverting back to my old ways and forgetting that His ways are best.

When will I learn? Probably never. It’s a constant battle with me, but I am so thankful for God’s grace and patience.

Today, I’m asking you to pray for everyone who is in the adoption process right now. The process is hard, but God knows that and He wants us to come to Him with all of our doubts, fears and desires.

Here are a few suggestions for your prayer time.

*For peace as they wait to see how God’s plan unfolds.

*That God would remove any financial burden. God will provide!

* The adjustment of a new life joining the family.

* Wisdom for any decisions that need to be made during the adoption process.

* Patience for the waiting.

* That they would let go of the control and release their longing and desires to the Lord.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

January 9, 2013January 8, 2013

Not so rare

My post where I described the sometimes rocky journey of attaching to my new daughter evidently hit a nerve. I can now say without a doubt that I am not the only one to experience this. In fact, I’m pretty comfortable asserting that my experience is far closer to the norm than the love at first sight adoption fairy tale that everyone imagines to be the norm. And because I think it is so important, I will repeat it again, attaching to a new child, even a child who is thrilled to be in a new family, can be hard. (I’m sorry to sound like a broken record, but the more I write about this, the more I hear from or hear about others who struggle with this. If I have to be a one-woman campaign to say they are not the only ones, then I will.)

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a parent who struggles with the absence of happy, lovey-dovey feelings. There is nothing to feel ashamed about because this is a normal reaction which many adoptive parents have. Adding guilt to the whole cocktail of emotions that a new parent experiences is not helpful and probably is more than a little hurtful. Guilt and shame can cause even more avoidance toward building a relationship because every time a parent interacts with the child and those warm fuzzy feelings don’t appear, guilt and shame are ready to jump into the breach. Trying to avoid feeling these negative emotions often means avoiding the child who is seen as the cause of them.

But the child is not the cause. The child is merely trying to make sense of the sometimes terrifying situation he or she has been thrust into. None of us is at our best when confused and scared. None of us is at our best when thrown into a new situation where we are unsure of the rules. None of us is at our best when trying to communicate in another language, especially one we have no familiarity with at all. These are the things we have to remember every time an annoying behavior repeats itself. We are allowed to help ease the child out of that behavior, but we aren’t allowed to act as though the child is doing it on purpose, solely to annoy us.

And this is where the hard part comes in. We are the ones who invited this child into our home… annoying habits and all. We are the ones who have to be the grown-ups, whether we like it or not. This means embracing the idea that love is a lot bigger than how we feel. We need to take it upon ourselves to do the things which are going to help us to love our child. Even if we don’t feel like it. Even if the child doesn’t respond. Even if it takes more than a few months… or years. It’s not easy. It takes a good support system, lots of rest, and the grace of God, but it can be done.

But most importantly of all, there is hope. If you continue to act lovingly toward your child; be careful not to avoid him or her; work to have more positive interactions than negative ones; smile; and get professional help if it is called for, one day you will wake up and see that small person (or not so small as the case may be) come into your room and you will be surprised to find that your heart is flooded with love at their mere presence.

You will make mistakes. You will lose your patience, You will have set backs. But keep trying. Nothing is too hard for God. Ask Him to help you to not harden your heart towards your child, but for you to find how to love him instead.

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My relationship with H. continues to grow. I try to be careful to get enough sleep and rest which gives me the patience that I need. One thing I am making myself do is to only have positive thoughts about her… thoughts that dwell on any negatives I try to be quick to shut down and think about something else. Learning to love and attach is sometimes more a battle of the mind than anything else.

January 2, 2013January 1, 2013

why i’m neither brave nor gracious

I’ve been called a lot of words I don’t deserve in the past week: beautiful and obedient and gracious and grace-filled and sweet and honorable and passionate and amazing and courageous and inspiring.

You want to know the word that best described me the night before I posted our adoption news?

Terrified.

The week before, I sat trembling in my Bible study group because I knew God was moving in us to do something about this orphan named Jesse who would be renamed Zoe Amanda. I just didn’t know how to tell anyone. I didn’t know how to explain myself.

I thought we would be called crazy. (And a little part of me thought that we’d deserve that.)

I thought our friends wouldn’t stand by us. (How I misjudged you!)

I thought our choice would be considered reckless, when we already had two young children and when I was still recovering from knee surgery and when I seem to collect chronic health problems. (No one brought up any of that.)

Friends knew we planned to adopt someday, but we had no homestudy started yet, we weren’t on any waitlist, and we hadn’t narrowed down a country or special need or age or anything else yet. We were caught by surprise, so we knew other people would be too.

I’m smiling in this picture, but I was so scared of how y’all would respond to the news.

dinglefest1 — The picture we shared to announce the news!

A little blond girl who is wise beyond her years was the one who gave me the words, days after our announcement.

We sat with my brother-in-law’s family, and they asked why we were doing this. I tried to answer, and I stumbled over my words: “Well, this wasn’t the country we expected, or the special needs we expected, or the age of child we expected, or the timing we expected, but…” I couldn’t find the words to finish that sentence.

Jocelyn, who now dotes on her sister with more love than I thought she was capable of, jumped in.”But God said to do it, so we’re doing it.

December 31, 2012December 31, 2012

Unworthy

Well, it”s time again to let my husband take over my blog for this post. So enjoy these words from my sweet husband who I am daily amazed by…

I am in the process of thinking though all that God has been doing in our lives over the last few days. As many of you know, I got a call one week ago that changed my life in a moment. It was the call from our adoption agency telling me the story of a little boy who suffered at the hands of his father. “He needs a special daddy, one who is good and kind and can be patient with him” she told me. “We read your file and thought that might be you. Does that sound right? Can you be that Daddy to him?” What do you say to that? Everything in me cried out “I want to be!” but at that same moment all my failings as a dad flashed in my mind. The times I let my exhaustion result in a sharp tone, the times when I”ve parented out of my own weakness or insecurity. All the mistakes and missed opportunities.

“He sounds like a really special boy who needs a family to love him. I will talk to Amy and pray about it. You will hear from us shortly”. That was all I could muster. I sat in my car shell shocked and sobbing. Sobbing for this boy, my son, and from the weight of the question….Can you be that Daddy?

Every year I make a Christmas CD. I know, it seems a bit weird, but it’s just one of those things I fell into over the years. Amy is to blame. I could fill a 10 volume book series on the amazing things about my wife. Chief among her virtues is her kindness. The way she loves those around her is startling and the most beautiful thing in the world to behold. That being said, in that 10 volume “Ode to Amy”, you would be hard pressed to find a description of her love for GOOD music. She does love music, it’s just that a lot of it is, well…. not great to listen to in my opinion. I’m sure you’re thinking her kindness must be unending to live for so long with a jerk like me…you are correct. If she controlled the play list Christmas music would start around Labor Day and end around the 4^th of July. I decided if I was doomed to 6 months of Christmas music, I would do my best to find some that’s tolerable to listen to. So that is how 10 years ago, I started making Christmas CD’s.

Now the process of scouring through thousands of Christmas songs is part of my holiday tradition. No joke, I have well over 600 Christmas songs on my iPod right now. Ridiculous… I know. My favorite part of the tradition is that (while listening to Stryper Christmas Reunion Album) I get to refocus my mind on what Christmas is about.

This year, as our adoption is closer than has seemed possible, I reflect on the birth of Christ in a new way. I can only imagine being in a field in the middle of the night, watching my animals as the most important moment in the history of the world is happening right over the next rise. It is still now a thought that makes me fall on my knees. That God would choose a frail and flawed race of people to bear his image. That he would demonstrate his plan for humanity through a baby born to a young girl and an adoptive father who were in poverty. You get a glimpse of the Fathers heart.

I can only scratch the surface of what Joseph must have been feeling. Is this really God’s baby? Was that really God’s angel who appeared to me in my dream? How can I be a father to God’s son? The confusion and fear he must have felt would be paralyzing. Would he even feel worthy to be Jesus’ father?

Truly we are not worthy to be God’s hands and feet to those around us. To those that God has put in our care. As I again reflect on that question “Can you be that Daddy?” I know that I cannot give my son or my other children the full measure of the love they deserve. I know that the love I give is filtered through the broken and frail man that I am, BUT I know who can be that Daddy. And I know that He loves me. And when I press into His love, it can spill out of me and cover those around me. It is a privilege that God uses us to share His heart with those around us. In a new way I learned to say to God… “I will love your kids as best as I can. Forgive me when I fail. Thank you for the pleasure of letting me have them for a while. They are yours to do with as you see fit, because I know you will be a better father than I can ever be. Help me be more like you, Father. Then I can be that Daddy.”

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Amy is a business owner and adoptive mommy whose heart has been broken and expanded by loving orphans in Ethiopia. She blogs at Love the Least of These because there is power and transformation in sharing our stories with each other. She and her husband, Ben, and their three children make their home in Colorado Springs where Ben works in orphan advocacy for Children”s HopeChest.

December 21, 2012December 10, 2012

Adoption and Advent

God has taught me so much about His Father’s heart and my spiritual adoption as His son through the miracles of my children’s physical adoption, but this Christmas season I realized afresh that His entire redemptive plan hinged on it.

The Gospels start with “This is the genealogy of Jesus the Messiah the son of David, the son of Abraham:” Matthew starts his writings about Jesus with a listing of his heritage. He does this because at least seven distinct prophecies about the Messiah speak of his royal bloodline. If Jesus was not of the tribe of Judah and more specifically in the line of King David, the rest of Matthew’s story would be about a great man and teacher but not the Messiah. So Matthew sets the table for the whole story of redemption in a genealogy. There is only one problem…Jesus wasn’t genetically related to Joseph!

Both Luke and Matthew trace Jesus’ lineage through Joseph, yet both authors tell of the virgin birth of Jesus through Mary. How then could Jesus be the Messiah? Only through adoption! According to the Jewish Talmud, “whoever brings up an orphan in his home, scripture ascribes it to him as though he had begotten him” (Talmud Mas. Sanhedrin 19b)”

By bringing up Jesus in his home as his son, that is exactly what Jesus became, his adopted son! “Isn’t this the carpenter’s son?” (Matt 13:55)

Joseph didn’t plan on being so entwined in the salvation of the world. In fact Scripture shares of his reservations before his obedience (a very early example of ‘ReluctantHusband Syndrome’?). But aren’t you glad that he became Jesus’ earth father so that God could become our heavenly father?

C.S. Lewis said, “The Son of God became a man to enable men to become sons of God.”

If I can presume to edit C.S. Lewis, I would write, “The Son of God became the son of Joseph to enable men to become sons of God.”

What a beautiful picture… the miracle of adoption at both ends of God’s redemptive story!

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Waggoner_Family_2012_web — Nathan Waggoner

His driver’s license says he is 6 feet tall, has brown hair and eyes, and is an organ donor… but to know Nathan is to know him as Ellie and Reni’s dad, Cydil’s husband, and passionate lover of missions and adoption (which he sees as one and the same). Nathan and his family will spend next Christmas (and many thereafter) in Albania, the land which gave them their kids and stole their hearts. Read their blog to follow their preparations for the mission field, thoughts on adoption, and living life as a follower of Jesus wherever this journey takes them.

December 19, 2012December 10, 2012

Advent: Coming

Advent: 1) The arrival of a notable person, thing, or event. 2) Coming.

A time of preparation. Of waiting. Of anticipation.

For unto you a child is born. Unto you a son is given.

It is a precarious thing, this waiting. Two Christmases ago we waited. Waited on a Word from God that said yes, go, I am calling you to this, your family to this – home study, paperwork, adoption agency, financial leap, personal leap, Africa, a son. A time of preparation. We didn’t know who or when or how. Only the promise – For you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago (Isaiah 25:1).

Last Christmas we waited. Waited in the agony of labor and anticipation of coming. We knew his name. Bits of his story. Bits of his struggle. When would we go? When would he come? No news. Worrisome news. Hope and then disappointment. Not us. Not yet. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful (Hebrews 10:23).

This Christmas we see the promise realized. A son is given. A family shifted and reknit. New colors, strands, personalities into a tapestry of hope and a future. Into forever. Joys and trials and blessings and struggles and perseverance and love. We see his face, hold his hands, delight in his smile. That which was promised. Not one word has failed of all the good things that the Lord your God has promised concerning you. All have come to pass for you; not one of them has failed (Joshua 23:14b).

And we light our candle and prepare for the Child and retell the stories of promises kept and hope renewed and futures reclaimed and families reknit. And we wait.

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Kristi and her husband of 19 years stay busy loving, laughing and chauffeuring their teenage daughter (biological) and kindergarten son (home six months from Lesotho) around their Kentucky home. Kristi works part-time as an elementary school counselor (and as such knows parenting advice is easier said than done and that all of parenting is an on-your-knees-with-God proposition) and part-time as a writing instructor with the Institute of Children’s Literature (as an excuse to read really great books before anyone else) and any-other-spare-minute (none) writing children’s books. Since she “thinks through her fingers” she shares their adoption journey as a coping mechanism on her personal blog.

December 14, 2012December 10, 2012

I was crying and you weren’t there

I watched the sun and clouds shadow the mountain as the morning rose up from the night. Praying as I watched for the clouds to stand aside so that I could see it all. But, not to see the mountain this time, covered with oaks, pines, and cedars. This morning I longed to see passed the clouds of uncertainty.

It was his words that triggered it all, his remembering days of loneliness and the days he cried alone in a Ugandan orphanage. And though he is only 5 years old, his words spoke a volume full when he said to his new mother, “I was crying and you weren’t there.” I remember Psalm 68:6: “God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing.” But, a secret that I never knew before is that He causes a family to be lonely for the ones He plans to set among them.

And I feel the words stirring me. And the question pressing hard on my heart, “Is someone crying and I am not there?” And do they know that I am crying for them, too?

But those pesky clouds; always descending on me, always blocking my view of His will. Causing me to look through the mist and wonder what it is I exactly saw before, back when it was lightening clear? And I imagined that Mary wondered too. She was full of the Spirit’s plans for her, full of this divine DNA stretching at her abdomen, reminding her daily that she was set on a course beyond her own imagination. But surely people looked at her and wondered if she was “one of those kind of girls”; a shame, a disgrace. And Joseph might have thought so, if not for a dream. Did she always believe that she carried the Liberating King in her womb and at what moment was she seen as fully legitimate in all the eyes around her?

And I long to feel legitimate here in my little cabin, sitting at my computer, watching for the bread crumbs to continue to drop and lead me inch by inch on this journey of adoption to it’s glorious conclusion. You may be carrying a dream as well, something uniquely your own, birthed deep inside your heart/womb. No, not as grand as Mary’s, but His plan anyway, and all those hours and mornings before all is fulfilled we wake up and go about living with the “life” growing in us, affecting our choices and behaviors, our thoughts and our plans. And I suppose the temptation to be afraid, or to doubt the plan doesn’t change it, just steals the joy from the journey–just lays a wedge between us and Him.

So here in the black and white I speak softly. With the black and white keys I peck out a confession to the bright white screen. “I feel like a mother full with child, but such a strange gestation it is! Because if I am to hold my offspring in my arms, I must follow a path of uncertainty, filled with questions, with governments, with forms, with deadlines, and with astonishing price tags. This journey, already taken by others, has sometimes ended in failures, heavy financial losses, disappointments, yet also with great success. I feel my abdomen stretching and I pray to see it all through to the end.”

And to my cry to feel “legitimate” as a prospective adoptive parent to dark skinned beauties far away and across an ocean—he seemed to answer me with 10,000 God “yes-es”. He took away a bit of the “shame” of not knowing how a girl like me, and an already full family like ours could even begin to afford an impossibility like this. All of the the “yes-es” were in the form of dollars and each one provided by way of the new job that the “man of this house” secured just a short while back; a company reimbursable grant for adoptions for up to 2 children and up to $10,000. They were 10,000 reasons to keep trying, to keep praying for miracles, to keep hoping for more.

So during this gestation period where fear sometimes grips, and uncertainty sometimes clouds my view, but where hope keeps pulling me up and forward I am asking Him for more “yes-es”.

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I’m Rhonda and I live in a house full of “menfolk” on a small hobby farm in the Ozarks. My husband and I have been married for 22 years and have four sons ranging in age from 12 to 21. I tiptoed into the land of blogs in the spring of this year after immersing myself into the stories of some amazing people and writers that were willing to share their lives in very generous, sacrificial, and honest ways on their personal blogs. Most were telling of the miraculous ways in which they entered the realm of adoption and followed it to a life changing conclusion. My family felt the call of adoption tugging at our hearts and I wanted communicate about it as well. I am yet amazed by the people that I have met through this new venue and hope to always follow their example of sharing from a heart of gratitude and ambition to encourage others along the way.

December 12, 2012December 12, 2012

Thanking Joseph

Ahh…I love Christmas.

I love the Christmas scents.

I love Advent wreaths and calendars filled with family time.

I love apple cider. And egg nog. And Christmas music.

And most of all, I love what Christmas represents.

I love the story of the Christ being born.

I love the way life and hope and miracles are represented in his birth.

And I especially love that we can be confident that because of His birth?

Salvation, mercy, and adoption are available to us all.

**********

I love the various ways adoption is interwoven into the very fabric of the story of Christ’s birth.

As if it weren’t simply a “less than optimal” option? But rather, a key to unlocking the heart of God for redemption and family.

You see, not only are we able to be adopted into the Kingdom of God through adoption BECAUSE of Christ’s birth and life here?

having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved. (Eph. 1:5-6 NKJV)

But Christ himself was adopted and loved wholeheartedly by an earthly father, through Joseph’s commitment to God and Mary. (Matthew 1; Luke 2:22-35)

What an amazing responsibility Joseph faced…stewarding. disciplining. loving. Christ himself…as his son? Protecting him, protecting their family, carefully guarding the mystery of his son until the timing of the Lord…

Immeasurable responsibility.

But really, don’t all fathers (and mothers) feel the weight of that responsibility? The depth of the honor to be able raise God’s favorite one. The seriousness of the accountability to guard and shepherd and love and discipline so that that person would be ready and able to fulfill his own destiny?

And, we may understand–as adoptive parents–how much Joseph could love and care for Jesus. We can say that we “get it”…That to Joseph? Jesus was simply his son. His child, for whom he was responsible for preparing for life (and so much more)…no more and no less loved than his other children…

But today?

While I am celebrating [with immeasurable gratitude] that Jesus was born for the sole purpose of giving US life?

While I am breathing in the beauty of this season?

I am also grateful for Joseph’s faith and commitment to God. I am mindful of the truth that adoption is in the very threads of our Christian beliefs.

And I am thankful that it continues to be the heart of God for us today.

_______________________________

Ashley Smith is a passionate and enthusiastic Blogger, Mother, Christian and Adoption Advocate. She often writes to release true stories and emotions about International Adoption, Faith and The Everyday Life over at In My Own Words and prays that her words would bring hope and life to readers. She is the analytical left-brained wife of a creative worship-leading right-brained (and yet still amazing) man and Mom to a 5 year old superhero-loving boy, Marvel, who joined their family in the summer of 2012 from Ethiopia! Ashley