Staking My Claim

I know I have been absent. I have thought of writing this post 100 times, and yet I haven’t. Until today. Today is the day that I am claiming it.

Over the past year and half, I have felt like a snowball rolling down hill. Picking up crud along the way. I’ve been rolling FAST, too fast. I haven’t been able to enjoy the ride very much for worrying about getting THERE.

You see, since we have adopted Lilly, I have been playing catch up. Catch up on attachment, catch up on socialization, catch up on education, catch up in language development, catch up on speech, catch up on cleft surgeries, catch up on immunizations, catch up on bonding. CATCH UP, quick, we have to CATCH UP. Are you overwhelmed yet? Because I am.

I haven’t posted much about Lilly’s last surgery. The bone graft. Third surgery in a year. Just about everything that could have went wrong did. Even requiring a second surgery (which is the 4th surgery) in a year to fix a freak occurrence from the 3rd surgery. It’s A LOT.

Then, there is school. She does okay, but we aren’t caught up. We are working on that. Attachment. Its always been difficult. Just when I think I have it all figured out, some new things come rearing their ugly heads. And speech. She has made so much progress but still lacks in areas.

On top of all the catch up I have been dealing with, the death of my precious grandmother (who died unexpectedly on the day Lilly had the 3rd surgery), my oldest going to college, my middle going to high school, another adoption, etc. I could go on but I think you get the point. Not fun stuff.

Through all this, it finally occurred to me. LET IT GO. I don’t HAVE to play catch up anymore. EVERYTHING is not important right now. Right now, I need to love this girl where she is and stop trying to change her to fit the mold that I think she should fit. There is no way that I can catch up for 5 years of lost time over night. Why did I not realize that before? I only have to do what I HAVE to do. The rest will come in time.

Time opens every door.

I’m staking my claim. I will not worry anymore about getting this child ahead. I will love her where she is planted, and watch her bloom. I will love her the same if she NEVER gets caught up. I want to enjoy more and worry less. It feels good actually, like I just shed a very heavy coat. I will prioritiz,e and we will have small nibbles at life, in manageable pieces, not trying to eat the whole pie at one time.

I just have to love her where she is. That’s all. Its that simple.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . . And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-13

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Leslee Dockery

Leslee lives in North Carolina with her husband and three children, 19, 15, and 7. Her youngest daughter was adopted from China 2 years ago. They are currently getting ready to travel to adopt their fourth child, a 5-year-old boy from China. You are welcome to follow along on their blog. Leslee is passionate about older child adoption and glad to help anyone who has questions. “Walking in faith through our adoptions has been the hardest

Fighting Stance

Isn’t that the way it always works? Once you think you’re really making progress, there’s a flare-up that lets you know you’re not out of the woods yet.

Just yesterday, I bragged on how well Caden is adjusting. I’ve been seeing it time after time again. And, last night, he blew me away with his increasing vocabulary…not only by identifying Yoda as “Tar War” but by repeating the majority of the alphabet after Chloe.

Then, today it happened. For the first time in months, Caden took his fighting stance. Along with tantrums, eating nonstop and his separation anxiety issues…all of which are GREATLY improving…it’s the only negative result of his orphanage upbringing that we’ve seen. It’s hard to know exactly what will set him off, but it almost always happens if you take a toy away from him. Therefore, I’ve trained the kids not to do that. But, this afternoon, I promised them the treat of an “On Demand” movie if they cleaned up the tornado aftermath mess upstairs. They’ve had a very “creative” morning, and I wanted it taken care of prior to dinner.

I had assigned Eva the task of collecting the Barbies (and their accessories) and putting them back in their plastic tote. So, in the clean-up process, she tried to take the plastic Barbie horse away from Caden…and then it happened. I was in their room helping Chloe pick up, and I saw it. But, I wasn’t fast enough. Caden rocked back on his legs, raised his hand, and swung the horse right across Eva’s face. He reminded me of a spider about to attack its predator…as he always does when he takes his fighting stance. I grabbed his arm immediately after he made contact and said in a firm loud voice, “No. You cannot hit your sister!” I continued holding onto his arm while I took away the horse and put it where it belonged. As soon as I let go, Caden ran off crying. I took a quick look at Eva’s face and gave her a kiss on her “boo boo,” then I took off after him.

I found Caden in my closet, sobbing a heartbreaking sob that always takes me back to Gotcha Day. I grabbed him up and snuggled him close. Through his sobs, I gave him gentle kisses that created another scenario very reminiscent of Gotcha Day. Finally, I got him calmed down, and I switched him from “snuggling position” to “cradling position”. Then, I looked down into those brown eyes I fell in love with in a referral picture over a year ago and said, “Mommy loves you.” He shook his head no. So I told him over and over and over again…kissing and snuggling more as I progressed.

I know this is perfectly normal for adoptive families. And I’ve had that point reiterated through the 12 hours of online Hague training I finished this morning…in addition to the 10 hours that I took for Caden’s adoption. I know. It’s been drilled into my brain.

My baby boy fell asleep in my arms sitting on the floor of my dark walk-in closet. And, the tears began to flow. I was crying because he doubted my love…even for a second. I cried because a 2-year-old should not even know how to defend themselves like a wild animal under attack. I cried because I can’t make the damage done during his 21 months in the orphanage go away. I cried because there was a time when he wouldn’t fall asleep in my arms. And, I cried because soon I’ll have another wounded soul calling me Mama.

We stayed true to our original plan…GOD’s original plan, rather…and are pursuing a little girl with a congenital heart defect. Her heart will be broken in ways that the cardiologists won’t be able to fix…or even stabilize with medication. Her heart will be broken in ways that Mama can’t make go away no matter how hard she tries. And that scares me as much as the complications that can arise from complex CHD.

When you adopt a child, their pain becomes your pain. It’s no different than your biological children…but the relationship is. The bonds are harder to form…and easier to damage. It’s a battle establishing a good, solid relationship with them. And it’s a battle helping them overcome the baggage from their past. You can’t be a bystander…you have to be proactive. It takes hard work to get through the issues adoptive families face. It’s not easy meeting the needs of a child who has been hurt emotionally.

As an adoptive parent, you have to develop your own fighting stance.

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Tara Anderson

Tara Anderson began a journey of grace over 20 years ago when she walked the aisle of a little country church and gave her heart to Jesus. She is a stay-at-home mother of four, the youngest of whom was adopted through the China Waiting Child Program in November 2010. Not too long ago, Tara knew exactly who she was and exactly what she wanted out of life…but now she’s just trying to figure out who God intends her to be, and what He wants from her. You can get better acquainted with Tara on her personal blog, Following Our Leader.

Blessed Assurance

One of my favorite things about Sunday afternoons is that they tend to be pretty lazy for our family. After church, a trip to the grocery store, lunch, and Skype with Andrew, we settled in upstairs.

More Than This…There’s Nothing

At the end of May, our family attended our son JT’s Senior Dinner and Robing Ceremony. We had never witnessed a Robing Ceremony and though we knew it would be moving, we had no idea what was in store as JT took Ruby by the hand and led her to the stage where this testimony written by JT was read by the Dean.

JT Chapman

Robing Sponsor: Ruby Caroline Chapman – Sister

This past summer, my parents and I traveled to China to adopt a little girl. The trip was an ordeal both for us and for the newest member of our family, Ruby. My sister, Ruby, has been such a blessing to our family in so many ways.

I chose Ruby as my robing sponsor because she is a living example of God’s Grace and Mercy. Ruby’s strength and courage in the face of adversity, and her willingness to trust, to love, and to choose joy has had a profound impact on my life.

Ruby, I admire you and I am so grateful for the light that you are to our family.

I love you forever.

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Amy Chapman

I am Amy…Grateful mother of now 5 precious children and wife to my best friend of 28 years. First and foremost…my Father’s daughter. Together with my family, experiencing the forever miracle of adoption…one blessed day at a time…and sharing at our family blog, For Such a Time As This.

Hair

Hair is a big deal.

To me personally, not so much. I am a pretty low maintenance gal. But, hair in the African-American world is a huge deal. That your daughter’s hair is well groomed and well styled signifies your care for her. If you would like to be better educated in the world of African hair care and the battle between natural hair and chemically processed hair, watch the hilarious documentary called Good Hair with Chris Rock. I got quite the education watching that one!

I think since the first day I met Therese, 6 months ago, and everyday since, she has made it clear that she wants to grow her hair and get it braided. Keep in mind that her hair was shaved almost to the scalp when we met. It needed to be at least a few inches long so that she could get her extensions put in. Everyday, multiple times a day, for the last 8-12 weeks, I have had to ooh and ahh over just how long her hair was getting. I actually think commenting on the length of Therese’s hair is her love language!

In seeking out ways that I can become closer to my daughter and enhance our attachment, I realize that if hair is a big deal to my daughter, it better be a big deal to me.

I have gone to the the ends of the earth to make my daughter’s good hair dreams come true. There is nothing this mama won’t do and that includes going outside my comfort zone and into a downtown park to get an estimate on my daughter’s hair. Oh yeah. I had to meet a hairstylist in a park! I met the woman’s cousin at a park who recommended her to me and then I had to meet the stylist herself at another park to get the estimate. That is me, breaking down cultural barriers, people.

Well, Therese’s dream came true!

That is one happy girl!

She sat still for 3 1/2 hours getting her hair done without one complaint or tear (and it hurts!).

As her mother, I am trying to help her walk the fine line of enjoying her beauty and knowing where true beauty comes from. She was loved no less in her “before” state. On the other hand, when you look good, your true beauty can shine through a little more clearly.

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Erika Solgos

Erika has been married to Casey for 11 crazy beautiful years. Erika is mom to two 10 year olds and two 6 year olds who aren’t twins! Therese (10), newly adopted from Burkina Faso, is awaiting heart surgery. Evelea (10) willingly gave up her position as oldest child so we could add Therese to our family. Sitota (6) was adopted from Ethiopia and brings a lot of fun to the family. Carter (6) has had six heart surgeries and gave us the courage to adopt a child with a heart defect. They are astounded that as our family doubled in size, our love quadrupled. You can learn more about their family on their blog.

We forget…

My daughter did not grow inside of me. I did not experience morning sickness, feel her kick, or hear her first cry. I will never know what her first months in Ethiopia were like. There are things we missed

On Fatherhood: Jaydn’s First Words

I don’t know anything about Jaydn’s biological father. The only information we have about her first 5 months of life (aka pre-orphanage) involve her biological mom alone. I don’t know if her bio father was a presence or a stranger, and I don’t think Jaydn will ever remember either. That is just one of the mysteries we have to learn to live with the tension of when you adopt a child. There are just some questions that will never be answered.

But as Father’s Day approaches, my attention doesn’t turn in the direction of Jaydn’s biological father but to the Father to the Fatherless. He has been providing for her needs long before she could ever know she needed it. As far as she knew, there was no male role model in her life. No one was there to show her respect and authority in a loving manner. She didn’t have a male presence that represented honor and strength combined with tenderness and support. But, behind the scenes of her precious little life, God was grooming a man to fill that void in her future world. He knew that eventually she would need a hand to hold and a lap to crawl into that represented all God was to her. So for years, even before she was born, God began growing a love for Jaydn in the heart of a small-town Kentucky boy who would one day have the courage to get on a plane and change both of their lives forever.

The grimace on Jaydn’s face when we saw her for the first time was so harsh. Her eyes avoided contact while her hand reached out for a comforting touch. “Who are these Mzungus [white people] and why are they here to see me?” she must have thought. It was clear the idea of us being her parents was far from her comprehension or desire in that moment. As the day continued on, she would let us hold her but any facial expression other than that original of complete anger was not being shown to us. We shared a meal with the mamas and other children and talked for hours but then it was nap time. I use that term loosely b/c my version of nap time is much stricter than the orphanage’s version was. Basically, it was just time for the kids to stay in the building for a while. Something in Nathan “clicked” during that section of time, and he sought Jaydn out. He went into her room and to the side of her bed and started tickling her. After a few times, the sweetest sound I had ever heard came to kiss my ears… laughter.

Our daughter was laughing!!! Nathan, being the comedian that he is, made silly faces and played peek a boo and did everything he could to keep this once angry, eye-contact-avoiding little girl laughing! Soon the whole room was erupting in playful noises and chuckles-it was such a joyful scene to observe from the lens of my video camera. But, then…it happened. Nathan ducked out of the room and hid from Jaydn’s sight and she called out for him, “DADDY??!” The tears poured from my eyes as I witnessed my daughter identifying the man in front of her, making her laugh as the man who would provide for her, lead her, and comfort her in the days ahead. Nathan came around the corner, “Did you hear that!? She called me Daddy!!” I couldn’t speak I was in such awe of the moment. It was as if God’s strategic intersecting of her need for a Father and Nathan’s desire to represent the Gospel message to the world could finally be heard through those 5 little letters D-A-D-D-Y. My daughter’s first word was “daddy.” Nathan represented everything that term of endearment was meant to imply, and she knew it!

So, I don’t know anything about Jaydn’s biological father, but I know a lot about her heavenly one and even more about her earthly one in Nathan. God handpicked Nathan to be Jaydn’s daddy. I know that she couldn’t have had a better man appointed to teach her leadership through sacrifice and obedience through love. This Father’s Day, we celebrate the remarkable example God gives us of unconditional love as our own personal Abba and also Jaydn’s first year of knowing, through tangible experience, how loved she has always been by her Daddy’s. Happy Father’s Day!

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Bethany Gaddis

I have been married going on 8 years to a worship pastor, a rock star, and the most involved and intentional dad I have ever seen! Together, we have the privilege of parenting three amazing children (Jaxon- 5 1/2, Jovie, 2 1/2, and Jaydn 2). Jaydn recently came to us through adoption from Uganda, Africa. We just moved to Little Rock, Arkansas, but I am a west-coast girl at heart. I enjoy photography, adventure recreation, and teaching high-school students about the most important decision they could ever make: to follow Jesus.

On Fatherhood: He Loves Me

He loves me.

He loves me not.

He loves me.

He loves me not.

He loves me.

He loves me not.

He loves me.

He loves me.

He loves me!

It’s just so much fun being one of Daddy’s girls.

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn’t grow under my heart,
But in it.

Author unknown

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Adeye Salem

Adeye is a mom to seven children, three biological sons and four

Do I Feel the Same About Joni as I Did My Bio Babies?

I’ve been putting off this post long enough. I will try to be authentic and clear, but I have a feeling that only those who have both bio and adopted children will truly be able to understand my sentiments. So, if you don’t fall into this category, please extend me some grace.

The honest first part of my answer is no. From the moment I saw Joni’s picture, I prayed that she would be the one for us. When they placed her in my arms, I thought she was the bravest, cutest, loveliest, most fascinating creature I had ever laid eyes on (sorry, Oakley and Colston, but it’s true). My heart swelled with compassion, curiosity, tenderness, and protectiveness. Those days spent in China were amazing as we watched a petrified, catatonic little baby slowly open up and begin to accept our love and care…then, we got home.

The truth was, she was a stranger to us, and we were strangers to her. She had strange orphanage behaviors and deep emotional needs. This was different from my biological babies who from the moment they came out felt familiar and seemed to automatically know who we were. We didn’t have to work on bonding; it came naturally and was already there to some degree. They were blank slates ready and willing to trust us to care for all their needs. There IS something to the biological connection. I believe it was created by God and meant to assist us through the sleepless nights and projectile vomiting. Even at my worst newborn-moments, my heart had an inexhaustible reservoir of love and compassion for my babies. I didn’t have this automatically with Joni; and so, the tough moments were difficult. The fun, happy times were incredible, beyond my dreams (I can’t get or give enough kisses from that child). But, if she was excessively fussy or clingly or mean to my other children, I really struggled in my feelings towards her. This deficit often made me feel guilty because even if I still acted appropriately loving toward her (and I have to confess that sometimes I didn’t; thankfully, most times I did), I knew my heart wasn’t matching that action. I mean, what kind of monster was I? I knew to expect these behaviors. And, actually, in my “professional” opinion, Joni was doing at least average in her transition period. But, this wasn’t something I could just grit my teeth and change or read books about and fix. So, I prayed that God would give me a true mother’s heart for Joni so that I could love her just as much as her biological mother would have if she had kept her…even more.

So before you call CPS, let me give you the second part of my answer: “No, not yet. But, each day, my mother’s love grows more and more.” God is in the process of answering my prayers, and this journey of bonding continues in a positive direction. It’s been under 3 months since we’ve had Joni, and I’m relieved and grateful that what didn’t come “naturally” is coming “supernaturally.” I can see that shortly, even when things are tough, Joni will stir up the same feelings and emotions that my other two children do. In fact, most days she does. The moments I find myself struggling, I now handle better with more hope and less judgment.

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Lynne Prinzing

Lynne has been working in the field of international adoption for 11 years but now enjoys her main role as “Manager of Domestic Affairs.” She lives on a camp property operated by the Christian outreach ministry Young Life where her husband works as the Guest Services Coordinator. Her three children (Oakley 6, Colston 2, and Joni 1) are a great source of joy and growth in her life. Joni joined their family through adoption from China this past February, and everyone is busy learning and stretching as they adjust to a family of five.

Go With the Heart

As our travel to China approached, I was a bit obsessed with reading books about adoption. Adoption and attachment, sleep, and eating.

Obsessed.

Then, we met Grace.

I’ve read them all. I have. But, when she was finally with us. It was time to throw the books out the window and go with the heart.

That first week in China. She slept. It was GREAT. Other families in our travel group were fighting with the kids to get them to go to sleep, to get them to stay asleep, to have them sleep soundly (mind you…they were all older than Grace). I was feeling blessed. We were sleeping.

Then, we came home.

Then, she had surgery.

Now, we are not.

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