Gabe and I spent Saturday night at Stephen Curtis Chapman’s Adoption Tour. It was an awesome and awful night of worshipping our Lord. You may be able to guess if you know anything about the Chapmans’ story of losing their adopted daughter Maria in an accident two years ago that there were many things about this concert that were terribly uncomfortable for us given our loss of our adopted daughter, one of our twins, in April 2010. But, I am starting to learn that discomfort is a good thing. Good grief…if two years after such pain the Chapmans can sing and speak about hope and heaven and dancing with their daughter, I surely can sit in my chair and listen and feel.

There are words that make me physically feel pain that never did before. Orphan. Surgery. Death. Heaven. Heart. Hope. They all bring a kick in the gut that they never brought in the past. Seeing videos and pictures of children in poverty and oppression, seeing a medical facility built to help special needs orphans receive love and care in the name of a lost child, hearing songs about seeing heaven in the face of your little girl, are all things that I would have been emotional about in the past (as I am a crier!). But now, these things bring about such deep emotions of pain, joy, and passion, feelings so real and raw, and I have never before felt this way. At times, it is too much and I want to hide. I want to avoid all things related to these topics that cause me to feel, good or bad. But, I am 100% sure that isn’t what Jesus would do and that I shouldn’t either. So, instead, I am making a conscious effort to make myself uncomfortable. I am looking for ways to be around these things more, to feel more of whatever God wants me to feel. Not to martyr myself, but because God gave me this pain for a purpose and if I ignore it how can I learn?

Can I tell you a secret that is pretty stupid on all sorts of levels? I haven’t opened my Bible in 3 months. That hurts to type. I have studied a lot of Scripture on the computer as I seek, listened to countless sermons, read devotional books, received daily e-mails that include Bible verses, and heard God speak through worship songs and other believers during that time. But, there is something so personal about my Bible and how it brings me to Jesus. It isn’t magical by any means as God obviously has been speaking to me without that one particular Bible that I personally prefer. I imagine there is some bit of control or anger or something that is keeping me from it. There are days I just get busy and forget, but there have been days that I think of it and delibrately choose to not sit down and open it. But. today, I am saying this here in this public way to hold me accountable I am going to open that pink and black Bible today and rid myself of whatever messed up thing I am holding onto.

I hope that you will take some time today to think about what you may be holding onto. Name it, say it out loud, and tell someone about it. It may be small and simple or something that seems to you to be too large to let go of. He just wants it. He just wants you. May you have the strength to give in to Him.

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Shelley has been married to her best friend, Gabe, for 11 years. They have 5 children–3 the old-fashioned way: Keaton (9), Kayden (6), and Laney (4). Their family adopted twin girls, Macy (1) and Gaby in 2010. After fighting for 7 months with Hypoplastic Right Heart Syndrome, Gaby is now in heaven with Jesus. Shelley is a preschool director of a Christian school part-time and Gabe works for a Christian insurance company providing insurance for Missions trips. Their family enjoys the adventure God has them on and is always looking to follow Him and give Him glory in all things. Check out their family blog.