Shelley Brown, Author at The Sparrow Fund

July 30, 2011

In Love With Adoption

Had one of those sweet conversations with my boys last night. The kind that make you all warm and fuzzy about being a parent. It was bed time and I was impatiently telling them to turn off the light, stop talking, get under the covers, no more drinks, when Keaton asked me a question. Now, he very well could have been stalling; it worked.

He said, “Mom which one of us kids do you like the best. I know you love us all, but which one do you like?” I very much wanted to say I like you all the exact same now go to sleep so I could run into my own bed and start reading my book or flip on the TV. But, I decided to take a deep breath and explore what he was really asking me. So, I told the boys that I have so many things I like about each of them, but I would share one thing about each of them tonight. And, we began. And, in case I don’t tell them enough I will put them here in cyber-print…

Keaton, one thing I love about you is that you were my first child. You taught me how to love like a Mommy.

Kayden, one thing I love about you is that I see so much of your father in you and it reminds me why I love him so much.

Laney, one thing I love about you is you were my first daughter and have been so fun, girly, and full of life.

And, Macy…

Keaton interrupted me and said, “I know what it is you love about Macy, Mom. You love that she is adopted. Right?”

My instinct was to jump on that and say I would love Macy if she wasn’t adopted, and I don’t love her differently than you because she is adopted, and you are no less special to me because you aren’t adopted, and ask them do you love Macy any differently than your other siblings? and so on…But again, I was still and listened.

He went on, “because you are in love with adoption, Mom, and you have been ever since we brought Macy home.” Kayden jumped in and said, “because we are all adopted Mom if we choose to love God.”

And, there it was. They said these things with such admiration and clarity that I was humbled. I hadn’t signed them up for an Adoption 101 class, hadn’t made them read a book about it or write a paper, or even made them sit down and talk to me. God was revealing Himself to my boys through me. Through my love for adoption. I was about as giddy as a mommy can be.

And the truth is I am in love with adoption. Sure, I love what it brought to our family in Macy. Sure I go crazy about orphans and figuring out what I can do to help God set them in families. But more than that, I love what adoption has taught me about God. I don’t know anyone else’s story, just my own, so I can only speak for myself. My adoption story isn’t about becoming a mommy to Macy. That was a miracle and a gift, but my adoption story is that God used this time in my life to draw me to Himself. My adoption story included a loss of one of those gifts. A death. And that makes it all the more life changing for me. Because in Gaby’s death, Macy’s twin sister, not the concept of it, but her literal physical death, those last 20 minutes with her on this earth, I experienced the physical presence of God in a way that I have never before in life. I felt the eternal. And, I am forever changed.

This year, I have moved from being a lifelong Christian who God blessed through normal life. I was all high and mighty about my faith and that it could never be rocked no matter what. When in all reality, He had never let anything come into my life to test that. Now, I am someone who saw and experienced pain and hurt that I believe God could have prevented and stopped but chose not to. And, I am okay. I love Him. I believe in Him. I trust Him. And, I still believe that He couldn’t take or do anything that would change my faith in Him. The ONLY way that I can say those things is through His strength and power.

Praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! Through Christ, God has blessed us with every spiritual blessing that heaven has to offer. Before the creation of the world, he chose us through Christ to be holy and perfect in his presence. Because of his love he had already decided to adopt us through Jesus Christ. He freely chose to do this so that the kindness he had given us in his dear Son would be praised and given glory. Ephesians 1:3-6

Macy, one thing I love about you is that you were my first glimpse into the miracle of adoption.

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Shelley has been married to her best friend, Gabe, for 11 years. They have 5 children–3 the old-fashioned way: Keaton (9), Kayden (6), and Laney (4). Their family adopted twin girls, Macy (1) and Gaby in 2010. After fighting for 7 months with Hypoplastic Right Heart Syndrome, Gaby is now in heaven with Jesus. Shelley is a preschool director of a Christian school part-time and Gabe works for a Christian insurance company providing insurance for Missions trips. Their family enjoys the adventure God has them on and is always looking to follow Him and give Him glory in all things. Check out their family blog.

April 1, 2011March 24, 2011

Therapy

Being a parent to a child with special needs is hard. No getting around it. No parent would tell you otherwise. As I sit and reflect this morning after a heart wrenching physical therapy session with our daughter Macy, I am at a loss. I feel such an imbalance and unrest. On one side Macy hates therapy. She is delayed in her physical growth and in her gross motor skills. She is 14 months old (11 months on the charts because of being a preemie). She sits up, army crawls, babbles, smiles, communicates exactly what she wants and is sad when she hears the word no. Last week she began standing, holding onto furniture. This was the first time EVER that she would bear weight on her feet. Even standing on our laps or at other times over the past year, she has never put her feet down and jumped or bounced. She just pulls them up and wants to sit. Always has. So, when she started to stand, I became very hopeful. She can do it. We are seeing something that she can do. It put an end to the questioning of her physical ability to stand and walk eventually. But after a week of working on standing and loving it, Macy is going backwards. Mommy doesn

March 8, 2011February 27, 2011

Uncomfortable

Gabe and I spent Saturday night at Stephen Curtis Chapman’s Adoption Tour. It was an awesome and awful night of worshipping our Lord. You may be able to guess if you know anything about the Chapmans’ story of losing their adopted daughter Maria in an accident two years ago that there were many things about this concert that were terribly uncomfortable for us given our loss of our adopted daughter, one of our twins, in April 2010. But, I am starting to learn that discomfort is a good thing. Good grief…if two years after such pain the Chapmans can sing and speak about hope and heaven and dancing with their daughter, I surely can sit in my chair and listen and feel.

There are words that make me physically feel pain that never did before. Orphan. Surgery. Death. Heaven. Heart. Hope. They all bring a kick in the gut that they never brought in the past. Seeing videos and pictures of children in poverty and oppression, seeing a medical facility built to help special needs orphans receive love and care in the name of a lost child, hearing songs about seeing heaven in the face of your little girl, are all things that I would have been emotional about in the past (as I am a crier!). But now, these things bring about such deep emotions of pain, joy, and passion, feelings so real and raw, and I have never before felt this way. At times, it is too much and I want to hide. I want to avoid all things related to these topics that cause me to feel, good or bad. But, I am 100% sure that isn’t what Jesus would do and that I shouldn’t either. So, instead, I am making a conscious effort to make myself uncomfortable. I am looking for ways to be around these things more, to feel more of whatever God wants me to feel. Not to martyr myself, but because God gave me this pain for a purpose and if I ignore it how can I learn?

Can I tell you a secret that is pretty stupid on all sorts of levels? I haven’t opened my Bible in 3 months. That hurts to type. I have studied a lot of Scripture on the computer as I seek, listened to countless sermons, read devotional books, received daily e-mails that include Bible verses, and heard God speak through worship songs and other believers during that time. But, there is something so personal about my Bible and how it brings me to Jesus. It isn’t magical by any means as God obviously has been speaking to me without that one particular Bible that I personally prefer. I imagine there is some bit of control or anger or something that is keeping me from it. There are days I just get busy and forget, but there have been days that I think of it and delibrately choose to not sit down and open it. But. today, I am saying this here in this public way to hold me accountable I am going to open that pink and black Bible today and rid myself of whatever messed up thing I am holding onto.

I hope that you will take some time today to think about what you may be holding onto. Name it, say it out loud, and tell someone about it. It may be small and simple or something that seems to you to be too large to let go of. He just wants it. He just wants you. May you have the strength to give in to Him.

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Blog

Author: Shelley Brown

In Love With Adoption

Therapy

Uncomfortable