I’d love to know your opinion on this one.
The other day Wenxin and I were talking, and I’m not even sure how it came up. I think I was telling him that I bet his foster mother would be so proud of him.
And then he asked.
“What about the other one?”
“The other what?” I replied.
“The other mom. You know . . . my REAL mom.” (emphasis mine)
“Oh, I see. I bet your first mom would be so proud of you, too.”
We talked for another minute or two, and as he ran out the door to go play, I said with a wink, “Hey Wenxin, don’t forget. I’m REAL, too.”
Big grin, and he was off.
So here’s the question. He’s 10 years old and adopted for three years now. Is it important for me to teach him what most people consider to be appropriate adoption language? Should he call her his first mom or his birth mom instead of his real mom? Does it really matter?
My gut tells me he should be able to call all the mothers in his life whatever seems appropriate to him — because it’s his story. My gut says I should follow his lead on this one. But he is only ten and is still making sense of his own history. On this issue, does he need guidance from me? Specifically, does he need me to choose his words?
I’m not concerned about my place in his life. I know this kid loves me. I also know I’m his third mom. I’m OK with this. And I think I can live with him calling her his real mom.
But since it’s not what’s normally done in the adoption world, I’m wondering if I’m missing something here?
I also have a real fear that some adoptive parent will correct him. It could happen, you know, cause calling the birth mom the real mom. . . those are fightin’ words in a lot of places.
I’m also pretty sure he’ll call her whatever I ask him to call her. He’s sweet and obedient. And he believes what I say about things. If I say he should call her his first mom or his birth mom, then I’m pretty sure that’s what he’ll do — for now, anyway. But do I want to make that decision for him?
So what do you think? What would you do in my place?
Waiting for all of your words of wisdom.
If you are an adult adoptee, please let your voice be heard on this one.
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In 2010, Dana fulfilled a lifelong dream when she walked on the Great Wall of China. The climb almost killed her, but the view from the top was totally worth it! On that same trip, Dana and her husband, Mike, adopted 7 1/2-year-old Wenxin. Dana blogs about older child adoption and family life at Death by Great Wall.
Dana, I love that you are secure enough in your relationship with the Lord and your son to not let this bother you. Even though I haven’t adopted a child before, I wish I could. If you explained the terms to him but told him it doesn’t matter to you, that gives him freedom to decide what term to use. If you refer to the other moms in his life as birth mom and foster mom, he will probably follow your lead in time. I love your blog and your beautiful photography. I often share it w/ my friends who have adopted and I have several friends who have adopted Chinese too:) One day he may read your journey through this blog and see the big picture of God’s great story for you as well as God’s great story for him too.
He’s just using a child’s term to refer to the woman who carried him and gave birth to him. In that sense, yes she is his “real” mother. You are his chosen mother. 🙂 Or perhaps simply, his mother. In the past decades, I have seen the terminology change from “birth mother” to “natural mother” and now “first mother.” It doesn’t really matter what the word is, the fact is there is someone out there who is biologically responsible for the child’s birth. But, as an adoptee, I can tell you that I have also used the word “real” in that sense, but when I use the word “mother” – all by itself, I mean my MOTHER. My REAL mother. She doesn’t need quantifying adjectives. The one who took care of me when I was sick, sewed my Halloween costumes, and baked my birthday cakes. The one who taught me to ride a bike and drive a car. The one who took me to church and taught me to pray. The one who introduced me to Jesus. That woman is my mother. Not my adoptive mother or my second mother or anything else. Just Mom. I’m guessing someday when Wenxin is older and able to understand and articulate better what he means, he will say the same about you. 🙂
I have to agree with Laurie, being an adopted child over 50+ years ago. Yes, wording has changed over the years and will continue to change. Someday (soon or later) you can discuss all the different meanings. So glad you are open and loving mother to this sweet son. Enjoy the many memories you are making now, time flies fast! God’s Blessings!