16 Replies to “When?”

1. Seriously?! You wrote this for me TODAY and pretty much every day since we brought home our son!! I having been working and waiting, and hoping and praying for those motherly feelings to jump out…and they haven’t. 🙁 Our little boy is amazing…simply amazing, so I wonder why and when I will ever feel like I truly love him. Couple that with a very unexpected and tough pregnancy…. Oh my.

   Your post today has given me a HUGE amount of encouragement. I know God placed our son in our family…soon to be of 4 kiddos, and I have always trusted He would also knit my heart with my son’s…but it’s been 8 months. Thank you…I know it will come and will no longer be thinking it’s at ‘certain’ milestones or within a certain time frame.

2. Thank you, Elizabeth for your honesty. I think more of us are on the “outter limits” than we think. I never struggled with loving my children, but for us, it took almost 2 years to get to that “everything is going to be ok” feeling.
   Thank you thank you thank you!
   Nancy

3. As I read this post, I recalled similar feelings. They were not nearly as extreme as what Elizabeth felt. But I did feel a bit like a “babysitter” or an Aunt taking care of her niece for a while. I was 49 when we brought Izabella home, so I had done a lot of “dotty-ing on” and “loving on” other people’s children for a whole lot of years. And although Izabella grew in my heart, God gave me her face before we finally started the paper chase and I knew her face–it was a long time before I felt like her mom. I recall a post on my blog called “A stranger called Mommy” –hre is the link to that post–it’s long–but it describes this feeling that I’m talking about best–http://cotaarndtadd1.blogspot.com/2010/05/stranger-called-mommy.html.

   I just re-read that post and teared up as those feelings rushed back to me like it was yesterday, and because now 6 months later, and after 14 months home, Izabella’s language is so great she can communicate with me now. And those answers to what she was thinking, and how did she get through all she’s been through…I have the answers now. God pulled her through, and God helped her find her Mommy and Daddy. It seems although she was so scared that day, she knew our faces to be her Mommy and Daddy, as much as God showed us hers and we knew she was ours. Some might find this hard to believe–but there are so many little things she says and does that affirm this is true. Like the day her preschool asked her at Thanksgiving time, what she was thankful for. She said, “Jesus.” She needed him–and he was there for her–an answer to this mommy’s prayer for her.

   I full heartedly agree with Elizabeth–that there are no timelines, on your child’s adjustment or on OURS as parents. i think we often forget the bonding process is a two way street. And we too have a lot of adjusting to do–each with our own unique backgrounds coming into it–just like the children.

   Thank you for your candid post Elizabeth–it’s a blessing to those waiting for preparation, for those home and struggling with similar feelings, and those contemplating opening their home to an orphan child.

4. Elizabeth this is amazing! I can absolutely relate with everything you said here. I too have struggled so with our adopted daughter and it is something that completely caught me off guard. I struggled for so long and still do some days as to how or why I can not or am not loving or feeling in love with this child that I pursued and longed for and went passionately after. There are days that I just have to give myself a pep talk to “just love her”, be Christ-like and love her. It has now been 2 years that she has been home and we are still not completely there yet. Some days are just robotic and “neighborly” but more and more the “motherly” feelings show up. I am so thankful there are more and more adoptive parents speaking up and out about the real bonding and not just posting happy-go-lucky-butterfly-and-kisses post. Also at the end of your article I saw your photo and guess what? I knew your face, we just met last week at Church of the Highlands, we talked when picking up our children and taking them to the bathroom!!! What a really small world!!

5. I think this needs to be read by every adoptive parent. It’s nice to know you are not alone, even when you feel like you are. I’ve been there (might even still be there at times) and I know so many others can relate. Thank you!

6. I agree with Allison – EVERY adoptive parent needs to read this! Great post. Thanks, Elizabeth – for helping me feel normal.

7. The dirty little secret no agency mentions.

   With our first dd, I fell in love the instant she was placed in our arms. So when I held our second dd and didn’t feel that rush – that was why I was crying. Last September was her third family day, and I can say that I am 98% there.

   It was sooo much harder – because I was splitting my attention, she had many more needs than #1, including surgeries, she attached to dh first and it was easy to let that be, she was a toddler with strong opinions who went nose to nose with me, yada, yada… but it was MY job to keep on working. She didn’t ask to be shipped half way around the globe to live with these crazy people.

   There are occasions – when I crack the whip and tell her she has to help around the house, because that’s part of being a family and she tells me that she wants another family….well, I’ve been tempted to say, “door’s that way” but I don’t because she doesn’t truely mean it, she is testing my love and it has to remain committed and strong. So instead it’s “Too bad, you are stuck with me, mean mama, so pick up those toys.”

   Keep on going, you will ge there. But it won’t be a big revelation, it’s a gradual process. One day you will realize that while you may be thinking cranky thoughts about your kid, there is no doubt left in your heart. And then you are there.

   Jennifer

8. Thanks for a great post! And thanks for all the great comments! I wish I’d read this kind of stuff BEFORE we adopted! Before adopting our daughter (at age 30 months) I read all the literature and believed myself to be prepared. I was prepared for her not to like us and need time to warm up to us. I was prepared for my husband to take awhile to fall in love with her (which didn’t happen–he warmed up quite fast). I was prepared for my (bio) boys to take awhile to adjust. What I wasn’t prepared for was my own feelings and lack of attachment.

   I spent the first few months being very depressed (though I didn’t realize it at the time) and not liking her at all. It took about 6 months before I felt like we might just make it. Like Jennifer, we were dealing with medical needs, attaching to dh first, a VERY strong and difficult personality, and splitting my time and energy with all 3 kids. She was aggressive and yet needy. I resented her quite strongly for what she had “done” to our family (though of course it wasn’t her fault). As the year went on, the resentment lessened and I moved into the “neighborly” feelings some of you mentioned. Now, 14 months after adoption, it’s better but still not where I’d like or where I’d expected.

   I’m a very structured person and would love it if the feelings progressed steadily from resentment to neighborly to affection to intense motherly love. But in my experience the 4 emotions just take turns. The good news is the resentment has lessened and doesn’t show up nearly as often, and the affection is becoming much more frequent. I still don’t feel as intensely motherly toward her as I do toward my boys, which is very hard for me to admit. I’ve wanted to adopt my whole life, and have two adopted brothers, so when people said they couldn’t love an adopted child the same as their bio kids I thought they were closed-minded and ignorant. So it’s been really hard for me to admit to myself, let alone others, that I’m struggling with this. I am confident that one day I will feel every bit the same towards her (and the next child we’re adopting) as I do to my boys. But until then, it is SO helpful to hear from other moms who have struggled or are struggling.

   I think we beat ourselves up for not feeling the way we know we “should.” For having to force ourselves to love our kids in action even when we don’t feel it in our hearts, and for often failing to even do THAT! And for me, it’s a vicious cycle: the worse I feel about myself the harder it is for me to love her….so the worse I feel about myself. So, thank you to everyone who shared here. Honesty about this struggle is so refreshing!

   1. What you wrote is so true, Erin, and I really do appreciate your honesty. It seems the older the child the longer it takes to feel those motherly feelings. Maybe it’s because the first few weeks/months with them are spent dealing with difficult behavioral issues and that just might eclipse some of those warmer feelings. Our 9-year-old is not the same child she was when we got her at five. Her daily two-hour tantrums, sometimes multiple times per day, wore me out. I seemed to be happiest when she was sleeping. But today, although she still struggles a bit with a temper, she is a different girl and we are so glad we didn’t give up.

9. Thank you for writing this publicly. My son and I struggled for years together. I scoured blogs, book and asked our SW and therapist why this was taking so long and why didn’t I feel like so many other mothers appeared to with their child. It took almost 3 years for us to bond. I say that publicly for the first time. 3 years. Our therapist and SW said our adoption was the hardest situation they had ever seen. I am certain there are more families out there that struggle but are unable to find help and feel lost and alone. Alone is not what we need to be when we are struggling so greatly. I questioned God daily if I really was the mother He thought was best for our son. I wasn’t for sure, until now.

   If there are any mothers/fathers out there struggling with attachment/bonding, please know you are not alone. It takes time, sometimes years but it will happen.

   Thank you for sharing this.

   1. Thank you for saying this out loud – or writing it, I guess. This is the first time I’ve been able to find ANYTHING even remotely related to adoptive mothers having a hard time bonding with their children. I am awake in the middle of the night again – searching, searching, searching because I need to know if anyone in the world is experiencing what I am and if so can it be overcome? I feel like a monster. Its been almost three years since we brought our daughter home. I get why it would be hard to love a child that has come to you riddled with issues or possibly older in age. But that is not our story. She was only 11 months old. Physically and emotionally healthy. Beautiful and charming for sure. Completely attached to us. And everyone ADORES her. So why can’t I find it in me? I know what it should feel like. I have three biological children and I certainly don’t have to try to love them. Believe me when I tell you that I wanted her so badly that I thought it would kill me (more so than any pregnancy and labor I’ve had) and the day we finally got her was one of the happiest days of my life. But now I don’t know what happened and I wonder how we can manage the rest of our lives pretending. I go through the motions and live a lie everyday. And it is so lonely, especially when people want to hear the romantic adoption story. And I don’t really have the heart or the nerve to tell them that I most often feel like I made a mistake. That its very possible that I misinterpreted God’s call to us. That I feel like I am perpetually babysitting someone else’s really annoying child. That I do not look forward to picking her up from preschool. And I have to force myself to hug and kiss her. And I’ve come to resent all the things that people dote on her about. And, no, I wouldn’t do it all over again. And it kills me daily that this precious little child is living her life without the true and genuine, irreplaceable and unfathomable love of a mother. But somehow I can’t manage what I thought would be so simple. So simple, in fact, that the possibility of its absence never even crossed my mind. I will keep praying that God will change my heart. I don’t know what else to do. But if anyone else does, I am desperate.

10. I have one son with RAD/PTSD and its been a long road of healing for him. At age 4 he was really just a big toddler and now at age 6 he is much more mature and definitely “attached” yet there are times that I worry about his future. He’s so impulsive and doesn’t always make good choices. I will just keep feeding his little heart and praying for full healing!

11. Hi everyone, it’s Elizabeth, the mom who wrote this post. Thanks for all of your responses on this entry. Clearly, these feelings have been experienced by a lot of us adoptive parents, and this just shows that these feelings can be normal, and you are not alone. I just want to let you know that I am always here if anyone needs to talk through their feelings and/or commiserate. You can email me to talk or for a password to my blog, where I have been writing about the ups and downs and all of my feelings about our adoption–emwood77 (at) gmail (dot) com.
    Our family has finally reached a pretty good place, but it has been a bumpy road, and we still have more room for improvement–I have total faith that we will “get there”….with God’s help.
    Blessings!
    Elizabeth

12. Excellent post! I remember feeling so horrible when I got my first child because I didn’t have those warm and fuzzy feelings for her. I cared for her. I protected her. But my heart was not knit together with hers. And then I thought about it logically. Bonding takes time! It took some time for me to fall in love with my husband. It took time for me to develop a real relationship with some of my closest friends. It would take time to bond with my daughter. And then one day I realized I would fight to the death to protect her from danger.

13. I can’t believe I missed this post last month. Elizabeth, this was beautifully written and oh-so-true. Someone sent me a Facebook message to make sure I read this one. And I am so glad she did.

14. Elizabeth,

    A little over a week ago I was just asking you that very question… How long will this take… How long until things are better? I had no idea you had already written it all here!

    I am so glad that you have been there for me and hope you know I am here anytime for you as well. I am glad to know you.

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