On August 12, 2014, we officially became a family of five.

The adoption of our daughter, Kariah Whitson, was finalized by a kind judge who has adopted two children as well.

I can’t put into words the feelings of the last nine months, but my husband Matt and I have written plenty about it already. What I haven’t written about is the journey to get to her. It was years in the making.

Excerpts from my prayer journal

April 2, 2009 (less than a week after Kariah was born):  Lord, you know what I’ve been struggling with over the last couple of weeks. I need clarity please. I feel like we’re good parents, and you’ve blessed us so much. I feel like we should share that. Having four kids scares me to death. What if I don’t have enough time or patience to give them all the attention they need? Transracial adoption scares me too. What if we don’t know how to do that well? … I have so many questions. I trust you, God. I will not live in fear. If this is your will, you will provide the money. You will give us the patience and wisdom to raise them well. You’ll give us everything we need if this is your will for our family.

September 19, 2009:  I’m so scared about adding more children. I love our family as it is, and I like having two. But more than that, I want your will for our family. You alone know what our family is supposed to be and how it should be formed. And if it’s what you want for our family, please place that on Matt’s heart as well.

November 3, 2009:  It’s so hard for me to rest in this, not knowing what it means or how or when. I am trying to take my will out of it completely, and just be open to what you have for us. I want what you want. I want to not have the kids be really far apart, but you know what’s best. I don’t want to start over in 5 years, but you know the plan. I just want to play my part in it.

December 22, 2009:  Thank you for the confirmation this morning. I am ready to adopt again. I want what you want for our family, even if it’s hard and requires sacrifice. I also want your timing, so I will continue to wait on Matt to be ready and feel like it’s the right time.

September 13, 2010 (after two potential adoptions fell through):  If adoption is not what you have for us, please help me see that. Give me peace to close the door and move on emotionally. I want to be obedient, Lord, but I don’t know what you are saying. I don’t know why you’ve led us down the path you have, but I don’t have to understand.

March 28, 2011:  I’ve been avoiding you, I’m sure you noticed. I don’t want to talk about the baby thing. I’m tired of talking about it, feeling confused, getting frustrated, and repeating that process. Nothing is changing. I can think it to death all day, but it comes down to me not understanding what happened two years ago when I felt so clearly that you were calling us to adopt again.

October 22, 2013:  I’m not sure what to say right now. Here we are again with another adoption situation in our path. How many times are we going to do this? Please make your will clear to us. And for this sweet little 4-year-old girl, Kariah, please prepare her little heart for the changes she’s about to endure. Open her heart for her new family that she can attach and bond quickly. Comfort her in her inevitable grief. Give wisdom to her new family that they can love her well and support her in her grief and transition. And Lord, if she is to be our daughter, prepare us, prepare the boys, and give us peace and joy in the process.

October 23, 2013:  Can we just talk about Kariah today? I’m feeling the weight of that more each day. Are we prepared to raise an African American girl? And a very wounded one at that? If this is your plan, equip us for that. If she needs to go to another family, prepare my heart. I’m tired of being disappointed. I’m tired of adoption situations coming before us constantly, especially considering our conversations about adoption 4 years ago and my confusion ever since. I keep waiting for it to make sense, but it doesn’t.

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One month later, Riah was home with us, and it all started making sense. God did indeed change Matt’s heart. The man who wasn’t interested in adoption said he felt something change the moment he saw her picture. And when we met her for the first time, we both knew she would be ours. I wish I could say my faith never wavered, but I can’t. For four-and-a-half years, my faith and doubts danced together. You may have noticed that I often referred to four kids in my prayers. That’s because I kept thinking there would be two, and I still haven’t ruled that fourth one out. But I’ll just let God work and see what happens.

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Matt and Becca write about marriage, parenting, and life through the lens of a married couple, parenting team, and pastor and professional counselor. They share hope and restoration by giving a glimpse into their lives- the failures, the successes, and the brokenness and beauty of everyday. You can read more of their writing at WhitsonLife.