Ty’s one year Gotcha day.
It has been a year filled with witnessing miracles and one of the hardest years of my life all at the same time. For the girls, we always celebrated their gotcha day with a yummy dinner and a small gift that we bought for them in China. But, we are treading on different ground this time around. Last week, when we told Ty that his special day was coming up, he started to get sad and had a lot of questions. Not the kind you would expect. He does not ever want to talk about his time in China. We bring it up often or try to ask him questions which he NEVER answers. We all love China and talk about one day going back with the entire family. He will quickly pipe up and remind everyone that he does NOT want to go to China. When the conversation does turn to China he usually starts to question me: “Mommy, what took you so long to get me in China?” “Why did it not take a long time for you to get Mina and Finn in China?” “Mommy, you should have gotten me first!” “Mommy, I want to be a baby when you get me in China.” I think he blames me for the fact that he waited so long.
And then, sometimes he just tells us that he WAS a baby when we came to China. I think he would love to just gloss over and pretend that is how it all went down. Denial. I totally understand that. I don’t know if I will ever be able to tell him the truth that I had seen his sweet face waiting on waiting lists for over 2 years before I even thought about the possibility of adding another child to our crew. I do know for sure that for the past year, this boy has loved like I have never seen. He has the biggest heart I have ever known, and I am blessed to be his Mama.
Needless to say, we didn’t celebrate too much. I don’t think he would have appreciated it. He wants so badly to just forget, to be just like his big brother and not have this past. So, we just went on like any other day. But, I went back to look at some pictures of my boy one year ago, and I broke into tears.
In this picture I see a pale skinny little kid. I remember how weak he was. How ridiculously uncoordinated he was. How he hoarded food. How he flinched when you tried to give him a high five. How he tested his limits to see if we could protect him. How he would carry 17 toys at the same time for fear he would lose one. How he was too nervous to leave my side for a second. How he would try to win our love by sweeping and cleaning like mad. How happy he was during the day and then we would go in to find him quietly sobbing at night. How he would wet the bed every night for fear of getting out of bed.
Now, if you put these pictures side to side, I wouldn’t pick my boy out of a line up. He is a totally different child. He looks and acts like he has aged 4 years in the past 12 months.
Last year in China, I will admit that I was scared. He couldn’t even tell his colors to the guides, he couldn’t hold a pencil and trace a straight line. His Mandarin, the few times he tried, was barely understandable to anyone in China or here. I was worried that he was very delayed. Now that he is a few weeks into Kindergarten, I spoke with his seasoned teacher, and she said he was doing fabulous, better than a lot of the kids who have been here their whole life. She said she would have him reading by the end of the year. I cried huge tears of joy! I am crazy proud of how far he has come. He is so brave and so determined and so loving. And, I am blessed!
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Amy and her husband Marc live in North Carolina and are the parents of 6 children, 3 biological and 3 blessings from the China Special Needs program in the last 3 years. Never in their wildest dreams did they imagine that their family would be bursting at the seams, but they have been enormously blessed by opening their hearts to adoption. Their lives are simple, chaotic, overwhelming, and overflowing–and they wouldn’t have it any other way. Visit us in the midst of our happenings here.
Sweet and precious boy!! He reminds me of my own Karleigh Mei. We adopted her almost 3 years ago, right after she turned 3. She has never wanted to talk about her first three years. She too wants to believe she was a tiny baby when we got her. She likes to rewrite her story. I so wish I knew what was going on up in her sweet little mind!! Whenever I try and bring up China, she becomes very somber. Praying for our treasures and for all the others like them!! And us mamas too!!
Oh, Jenn, I’m so sorry that your Karleigh Mei has the same somber feelings about her early days. I think as Mom’s we feel a need to put a positive spin on things. I pray that God fills the wholes in their hearts like only he can.
This post really touched me. Our boy is much younger, but we had similar fears upon meeting him in China, and have had some rough first months. But he is also crazy brave and determined and a very different kid just in four months home! Thanks for sharing your joy. 🙂
So happy to hear you are hanging in there Jerusha… those first few months can be such a tough adjustment but they are so worth it. The transformation you can see our brave little ones go through is so amazing!
Wow! What a testimony to what the love of a family will do! I feel like I could have written this exact post about my son Vu, adopted from Vietnam at the age of 6. He always wants to know why we took so long to come for him when all his friends at the orphanage were leaving with families. Like you, we always celebrated “Gotcha Day” with our older kids (adopted as babies) but we no longer have a celebration because I now know what a bittersweet day that is. Our son does still have some delays, but he is catching up and such a joy to our entire family. In fact, if I had to sum him up in one word, it would be “Joy!” Thanks for a great post. Ann
This post reminds me of my son. There was a time when he wanted nothing to do with China. I tried to draw his memories out of him, and we have gotten very few over the years. He only seems to miss the food. He also tells us things that couldn’t possibly be true. He too wants to rewrite his history. This is a beautiful post.
-Tamara
Ann & Tamara,
Isn’t it amazing that this is a “normal” reaction! Thank you so much for sharing that you have had the same experiences. It eases my worry about the way he is handling it. It sounds like our kids are just ready to move on and try their hardest to have a simple childhood. I’m going to do my best to support my little guy and hopefully find a balance – not ignoring it to a point where he doesn’t feel confident to open up if he ever does decide to do so.
Blessings to you both!
Amy I was so touched to read this story. You can feel the tenderness and longing in your son’s heart. I pray that the day comes soon when he will feel at peace with his story. It is clear that through your family God is doing exactly that! We adopted 4 children from Russia and it has been fascinating to see how they each view their pasts. One in particular has no desire to stay connected with it all, but one is actually studying Russian in college now and did a study abroad program last semester in St. Petersburg. We are just trying to catch what they need and help them– definitely not a “one size fits all” situation!
Bless you and your family!