I received a lot of emails and phone calls over my “Mom” post a few weeks ago. I was a little surprised to hear that so many people were surprised that I was okay with Ty calling Rebekah, Mom. One reader wrote an extremely honest email and admitted that she would be crushed if her adopted son called his birth mom, Mom. She was writing for pointers on how to be more secure in that relationship.
We were at church, last week, and someone was admiring the boys and said, “Now, Ty is your real son, right?” I smiled and launched into our story on how both of our boys came to be. I love telling it.
I know that many adoptive parents equate adoption ignorance to cruel and intentional insults…I just don’t see it that way. I take ignorance for what it is and understand that it is usually bred by curiosity.
Overall, I would say our adoption community is hyper-sensitive when it comes to talking about adoption. Parents spend more time than is necessary trying to prove their place and position…while the child never questions it.
Before Ty was born, God gave me a revelation that has never left my mind. It was like a bright light turned on the day I realized Tyrus belongs to him. Not Rebekah. Not me.
God privileged us with the opportunity to mother him, but possession belongs to God alone. That really helped me in the early days of getting to know Rebekah. It removed the pressure of having to define our roles in ways that seemed unnatural.
Love is not finite. There is no limit to the amount you can give – or get. We always approached Ty’s adoption with this attitude because we knew he could never get his “fill” of love. Rebekah’s presence in Ty’s life doesn’t diminish mine. The same goes for her sister and mother and grandmother. Those relationships don’t take away from the ones he has on our side of the family…they just add to it.
I look at Ty calling Rebekah, “Mom”, the same way. He wants to call her mom because he understands the breadth of what she did for him. He understands her love and affection and wants to return it in a way that makes sense to him. It’s kind of like me calling Ben’s mom, mom. She’s not the mother that stressed and sacrificed and poured into me for the 20 years I had before marrying Ben, but she has enriched my life in countless ways over the last 11. I call her mom because I want to show her respect, love, and admiration. My mom doesn’t feel jealous, insecure, or out of place because of my acknowledgement of Ben’s mom. She knows her place. She will always be my mom.
I know that not everyone has that type of relationship with their mother-in-law, but I hope it helps explain why Ty’s recent choice of words doesn’t bother me.
Ultimately, it comes down to my security in the Lord. I know who I am in Christ, so it’s pretty easy to let insecurities roll down my back. When people use the word “real” when referring to my boys or their moms, it doesn’t offend me because I know who they are to me and who I am to them. Most of the people we run into have no adoption experience. They just ask the first thing that pops into their head. I don’t feel the need to make it a teaching opportunity because most of them will never run into adoption, again. Instead, I use their curiosity as a platform to tell our story and praise God for his goodness!
In just a few short days, Ty will have the opportunity to be with both of his moms and the rest of his extended Colorado family. What a wonderful reunion it will be. I can’t wait to get home and tell you all about it!
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Next to my faith walk, I am a wife and mother first. My husband and I have been married ten years and have two incredibly, tender sons, Tyrus and LJ. Our boys are essentially twins, yet neither boy was born from my belly. We adopted sweet Ty (domestically) in 2009 and have a wide-open relationship with his birth family. LJ was also born in the summer of 2009, but came to our family, this year, as a ward of the state (via foster care). Our hearts and abilities have been stretched to capacity, but God is moving, filling, and redefining family for all of us. Follow along on our journey.
Oh, my word! I sooo agree with you!!! Everything you’ve written here are things I’ve thought for a long time. I’m glad you put it into words, and I hope that some day the adoption community will seem a little less insecure and easily offended. 🙂
Well said. I truly appreciate your sharing. I cringed at something my husband said the other day thinking he might have somehow offended another family. As an adoptive father he should no better right? I’m tired of walking on egg shells when you are absolutely right. Our kids belong to Him.
Excellent Rebekah. I love the revelation God gave you about possession, and the freedom that revelation then gave you to embrace your son’s birth mother. God’s truth always comes with freedom– I love that!
And I am so glad to hear you speak of taking offense regarding adoption issues. It seems so unfair to me that we would hold others to a standard of language and understanding and education about adoption that we have (who have lived and breathed it, read the books and blogs, gone to the conferences, etc) Why would we assume that people would know these things? And what good does our offense do? I agree with you– let us use every opportunity to love people and share what God’s love looks like in our lives through adoption. Blessings!
I couldn’t agree more. Being adopted myself, having a “natural” child and an adoptive child has given me some real perspective on this whole issue of adoption. In addition, my adoption being closed and my son’s adoption being open has really enhanced this understanding of security and where, or in Whom, our security needs to lie.
Like you I gave my child over to the Lord, but this was my “natural” child, William. I know parenting is a temporary “thing” and that William is ultimately the Lords. With this perspective for my first born it was very natural to trust that my (adopted) second born, Tyler, would be His as well.
When I first met my birth mother, Pam, I asked my mom (whom I call Mom) if I could refer to Pam as Mom also. Although I was only 20 when I met Pam I couldn’t articulate why I wanted to call her “Mom”.
Unfortunately, many people do not understand adoption and those were people around me who stated that it would be disrespectful and dishonoring to call “anyone else” “Mom”. But now (24 years later), and thanks to you and how beautifully you articulated this relationship scenario in your letter, I understand why I wanted to call her Mom.
My adopted mom is still “Mom” and my birth mother is still “Pam”. However, with Tyler and his birth mom (Dana), it is yet to be determined how their relationship will grow and what it will look like for each of them. There are many other factors that come in to play and we will seek the Lord’s guidance as we move forward. One thing I do know, I am secure in Dana’s decision to choose my husband & I to parent Tyler and our Heavenly Father’s sovereignty to place him with us.
Dana has every right to be called “Mom”! It was her selfless decision to put Tyler’s needs above her own, which demonstrates, on a small scale, how our Heavenly Father takes care of His children.
I loved this post. I feel absolutely the same way.
People get so incredibly uptight about this. It sort of sickens me.
No need to over think.
Thanks for sharing.
Love, Becky
We adopted out sweet baby girl a month ago and I am thankful for your post. Your comparison to you calling your mother in law mom was extremely helpful and helped put me at easy. Adoption is a beautiful, complicated, sometimes painful journey and I have a lot to learn. I am
Thankful for your blog and count it as one of the means to help me grow and navigate this wild ride…so thank you!