We hit a big milestone in our house last month. After being home for over 9 months, Dumpling slept in his very own big boy bed in his very own room shared with Gēgē! This was huge! Before now, he had been sleeping on a toddler bed in our bedroom to foster attachment. It worked well for us because we were able to keep him close, but we still got to sleep as husband and wife. I know many families co-sleep, which I think is a wonderful choice. But I personally like my bed to be my bed, so a toddler bed was a perfect alternative.

We started with the toddler bed pushed up against my side so that we could hold hands as he fell asleep. Once he was asleep, I’d gently pull my hand away and tiptoe out to spend a little time with my hubby before going to bed myself. A white noise machine helped too. I still came back to bed pretty early in the beginning though, so Dumpling could reach up and touch me for reassurance if he woke up.

After a few months, we let go a little and moved the toddler bed across the room so he could still see us. This gave us some freedom, but still kept him close for attachment purposes. If he woke up, he looked to make sure we were still there, and then he went back to sleep. Once he started saying our names, he’d sometimes call out for us too. I remember thinking about how precious that sound was the first few times I heard it.

Toward the end of the summer, we began staying with him until he was almost asleep. This eventually worked up to a more typical bedtime, when we said goodnight right after all the rituals had been completed and he was still awake. It was a very natural progression and his laid back personality made for few sleeping issues. I know sleeping can bring huge anxiety for many children from hard places, but fortunately Dumpling hasn’t been one of those children.

It wasn’t always easy having him in our room though, especially on the mornings we wanted to sleep a little extra and he woke up at 4am. Or another child came into our room for some reason, and accidentally woke Dumpling up too. But overall, it went very well and I wouldn’t do anything different. I am so thankful we were able to spend that time sharing a room with our son. Especially because of his difficult past, we were very intentional about cocooning him from the world and other adults. Sleeping in the same room was one more way we could foster attachment and bring him closer to us.

But when the time came for him to become a little more independent and move into his very own big boy bed in a room shared with Gēgē, our whole family celebrated and his eyes beamed with utter joy. He pointed to all of his blankets and pillows and loveys with pride, asking, “Mine?” for each one. The answer of “yes” every time made him smile even bigger. He took ownership of his new bed immediately and loved every moment. It was a precious sight indeed.

I will admit that I don’t think he needed to sleep in our room for so long, as children sometimes do. I think he would have been fine if we had put him in his big boy bed the first night we were home. Obviously I can’t be sure, but his easy-going personality suggests this may have been the case. Regardless of how he would have done though, we wanted to foster attachment in any way we could. It’s difficult to teach who mom and dad are with very little verbal communication, so it had to come in the form of actions instead of words. That also meant not allowing any physical touch with all adults for a long time, in addition to keeping him close at home.

Although he is gaining independence and we’ve opened up his world when appropriate, we still keep some experiences and new adults at a safe distance, even at 10 months home. He likes new people and affection a little too much still, so we are working intentionally about teaching appropriate physical boundaries. I don’t know how long that will continue, but I do know that cocooning and intentionally limiting him has paid off in huge ways. He loves us as his mommy, daddy, jiějiě, gēgē, and jiějiě. And we sure love him to the moon and back. I am so incredibly thankful that God chose me to be this boy’s mama. It’s a true joy to watch him grow into the person that his Heavenly Father intends him to be.

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Nicole is a daughter to the King and a wife to an amazing man. She is a classical homeschooling mama to four, by birth and adoption. She is a part-time newborn photographer, a founder and adoption photographer at Red Thread Sessions, a contributing blogger at No Hands But Ours and an advocate of orphan care and adoption. When she’s not with her family or behind her camera, she loves to blog, create, give life to old furniture, spend time at the beach and read. She strives to live her life to glorify our Heavenly Father.  With His love, all things are possible.

I’ve experienced a lot of difficult things over the last several months.  The most difficult of my life.  My Daddy’s passing weighs heavy on me every day still, 5 months later.  So much pain and loss.  So much heartbreak.

But this boy.  This precious boy who we said yes to and who is our son.  He has redeemed a lot of the hardships.  I will admit that the days aren’t always easy.  We aren’t living a fairytale.  But my goodness, he is special.  My heart bursts with love for him.  He is lovely and joyful and funny and goofy and stubborn and even a little bossy sometimes.  He absolutely loves life and delights in everything.  He gives me hugs and kisses all day long.  He says “I yaaaa yew” more times than I can count in a day.  He smiles.  He laughs.  He plays.  He is learning to communicate his needs.  He is learning that we will always come for him.  He is learning his place in our family.  He is learning how to love and how to be loved.  He has grown in unbelievable ways.

As I rocked him to sleep tonight, I just stared at him.  I ran my fingers over his forehead, through his hair, and over the outside of his ear as he drifted off to sleep.  I watched his sweet little eyelashes bat up and down until they eventually stopped moving.  He laid asleep in my lap as I reflected on the little person he is becoming, simply in awe of all that the Father has done in this boy’s life.

He’s been in our arms for 6 months.

Six months.  It hardly seems real.

In that Guangzhou Civil Affairs office, our lives changed forever six months ago.  I fell in love the minute I laid eyes on him.  He instantly became a son and brother; an orphan no longer.  I became a mama for the fourth time.  My husband became a new daddy all over again.  And our older three children gained a new brother.

We are forever bonded together as a family.  And with that bond, my prayer is that his many losses will be redeemed.  Not forgotten.  But redeemed.  He experienced so much heartache in his three years.  But in the short 6 months he’s been our son, he has already given us so much.  I hope that we can give the same to him.  Life is a little more complicated, but oh so much sweeter.  The days feel a little longer, but they are God-given.  I’m a little more exhausted each day, but they are beautiful.  And we are in this thing called life together.  No matter what.

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Nicole is a daughter to the King and a wife to an amazing man. She is a classical homeschooling mama to four, by birth and adoption. She is a part-time newborn photographer, a founder and adoption photographer at Red Thread Sessions, a board member of The Sparrow Fund and an advocate of orphan care and adoption. When she’s not with her family or behind her camera, she loves to blog, create, give life to old furniture, spend time at the beach and read. She strives to live her life to glorify our Heavenly Father.  With His love, all things are possible.

I’ve got the post-Mother’s Day blues.

Seems like my family can’t win.   On one hand, there is part of my heart that wanted more from them– more appreciation for how tough this job really is and a deeper understanding of how much I really love them.  On the other hand, despite the wonderful cards and texts from them, somehow I feel terribly undeserving.   If only they knew the depths of my dark heart – the unkind thoughts and resentments that lurk there sometimes.  If needed, I would crawl over cut glass for them, with a triumphant smile on my face for all the world to see – to proclaim my abiding sacrificial love for them.  But inside, I confess, there are days that I grumble, or feel discouraged, or ashamed of my failures.

What grade would you give yourself as a Mom?  Some days I’m feeling pretty good – maybe a B or B+.  Some moments maybe even an A! J  On a bad day, much much worse.  Some days it might depend on who I’m comparing myself to.  And I wonder – do we get to grade ourselves on a curve?  How do you grade a mom when her children have brains altered by past trauma, when their behavior often makes no sense,  when they fight the very love that she is offering?

I confess that, early on, I really did think that, if I was a good enough mom, my efforts would translate into amazing results with my kids.   My husband and I had thought we would be the perfect adoptive parents.  We thought we could provide the ideal environment for our children to heal from past hurts.  We weren’t prepared for how hard the fight would be.  Over the years, each child has both clamored for and resisted our love, and it can be exhausting.  Behavior has been infinitely more challenging than we had anticipated, and I often have felt completely inadequate to the task.  And much to my dismay, I am a very different mother than I thought I would be – too often impatient or distracted or angry or just tired.  What a rollercoaster.  There have been wonderful times of joy and victory – fun family outings, meaningful conversations, signs of great growth.  But at other times I’ve fought deep discouragement.

The good news is that God is the One responsible for the results.  The God who loves our kids even more than we do WILL accomplish His purposes for them.  What a privilege that He invites us into that work.   He chose us for them, and them for us.  All four of my kids are “launched” now,  and I truly marvel at all He has done in their lives.  And as I look back I realize that indeed He sometimes accomplished great things in them through us!  But at many other times, he has done so in spite of us.  He didn’t need us to get it right.  What a comfort.

Certainly He calls us to diligence and obedience. We all work hard to be the best Moms we can be.  We read books, and blogs, and consult friends and sometimes professionals.  We are intentional.  And we should seek excellence in all we do.  But at the end of the day, it seems the most important lesson I’ve learned, is that they just need our constancy, and to know that we ARE their moms.  And that we are FOR them, no matter what, forever.  The rest is details.

So, our part becomes simply to be faithful and leave the results to God.  I am an awesome mom, and YOU are an awesome mom, simply because we provide our kids the opportunities to learn and grow and be loved.  Some of our kids can’t take it all in right away.  It doesn’t happen in our timing.  But we need to trust that God has made them to receive that love and guidance; and eventually it will bear fruit.  And even on the days when they are fighting it, we are awesome because we are faithful.  That is all that is needed.

A constant, faithful, imperfect Mom is exactly what your child needs – an eye-rolling, “Are you serious!?” impatient, too-busy, bought-Kentucky-Fried-Chicken-for-the-church-potluck-cause-I-ran-out- of-time-to-make-homemade,  kind of mom that says “You can never lose my love.” That is what we are called to. That is what they need.

And they’ll get it…someday. I can’t tell you when. But they’ll get it.

Happy Faithful Mother’s Day!

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord…As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and does not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish,… so is my word that goes out from my mouth. It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.  – Isaiah 55:8-11

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Cheryl Nitz, ACSW, LCSW  has worked in the field of adoption and foster care for over 30 years.  She has extensive training in the field of attachment and trauma, particularly in the area of facilitating healing in foster, adopted and post-institutionalized children.  She currently is the director and a therapist at the Attachment and Bonding Center of PA.  But she often says her best education has come from being a parent with her husband to their four kids (two of whom came to the family through adoption) and grandparent to four!

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We’re building the nest this month!

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