I
So We Wait…
So thankful that we can lift each other up in prayer…
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I have always viewed myself as a patient person, that is until we began this adoption process. There have been many times over these past 16 months that I have struggled with that word. The truth is, these past few months have been really difficult. There are moments when I am a hot mess trying to figure out why this is taking so long when we just want them home.
There have been moments when I have asked God how much longer? How much longer do we wait? How much longer do we put our lives on hold? Then I am brought back down to reality when He reminds me how long He waits for me. How long He waits for me to get it right. How being a follower of Christ isn’t living “my life” but the life that my Savior has written for me. So we wait….
We want to thank you for walking along side us during this time. Many of you have reached out to us with encouraging words and countless prayers for our family. It is those faithful prayers that have given us strength and helped carry us through the tough times.
We are currently waiting for a document from DRC so our case can be sent to immigration. Please pray that our faithful God will move mountains and that we’ll soon be one step closer to bringing them home.
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Jaason and I have been married for fourteen years and have been blessed with three biological children- Madi, Elijah, and Jacob. We are currently waiting to bring home our two little ones from the Democratic Republic of the Congo. The lessons we are learning about love through this adoption process are continually changing who we are forever. You can follow along at www.detmersfamilyadventures.blogspot.com
Surrounded
As I write this I
Fear Not
I often think of the foster children who have passed through our home.
Ramblings From a Selfish Jerk
It is funny what people say when we are talking, and it is amazing what funnies we can miss if we don’t actually stop and pay attention to what is being said. I’ve documented a few conversations I’ve had at work over the past little while, and have reprinted them here in exacting detail.*
Little Bing in the middle – our newest just turned 3
after being in Canada for only 6 weeks!
… flashback a few months ago…
Coworker: So, are you going to tell Ping that she is adopted?
Me: *blink* *blink*
Coworker: What?
Me: You know I’m not REALLY Chinese right? I only pretend to me.
Coworker: Huh?
*awkward silence*
Coworker: AAAaaah! Wait! You are white!
Me: Yea.
Coworker: And she is Chinese!
Me: Yea.
Coworker: So I guess you’re gonna tell her then?
Me: Well, I’m gonna try to hide it for as long as I can, but I think eventually she will figure it out.
… flashback a couple months ago…
Coworker: You’re wife doesn’t work, right?
Me: Well, I don’t know. Depends on how you define work. If you mean, dose she work from 8am to 5pm, get a benefits package, a decent wage, time off, the respect of coworkers, and satisfaction from a job well done… then no. But, if you are asking is she busy from dawn till dusk, 24 hours a day, with no pay, no thanks, and a never ending to do list…then yes.
Coworker: Wow. Uh, what does she do?
Me: Stays home with the 5 children.
Coworker: Oh, so she DOESN’T work.
Me: *blink* *blink* Yea, she does nothing all day.
… flashback a few weeks ago…
Coworker: Hey, you speak Chinese!
Me: Yea.
Coworker: So, is your wife Chinese?
Me: Uhhhh, no.
Coworker: Why then?
Me: Um, because her parents were English? (Now, in her defense, the question in Chinese made perfect sense, as in “why [do you speak Chinese] then”, I was just being a smart … )
… flashback a few days ago…
Coworker: So, 5 kids now right?
Me: *snoork* Whaaaaaza, some … one talking… *zzZZZzzz*
Coworker: Right, 5 kids I get it. So you gonna have any more?
Me: WHAT?! 6?! Are you crazy!
Coworker: No, but apparently you are! 5 kids!
Me: Oh right, well, yea… maybe.
… flashback to a couple days ago…
Coworker: So, why did you adopt?
Me: Oh, it was an accident. My wife and I were up a little late, had a little too much wine, and before you knew it, we had filled out 27 copies of paperwork for international adoption.
Coworker: I mean, you can have your own kids, why adopt? Is it your faith?
Me: Well, yes… and no. I mean, it is. There is something in the Bible about caring for the widows and orphans. However, that is not why we adopted. It would be easy to say that and sound all noble and righteous, but in all honesty, I choose to adopt because I’m a selfish jerk.
Coworker: Wha?! Oh no, you are not selfish!
Me: Oh, but I am. If I really wanted to help care for the orphans, than I should have taken the thousands of dollars this international adoption cost and built a new orphanage in Africa! I could have drilled two wells in an Kenyan village, installed a grain feed system for cattle, purchased 4 acres of land for sustainable farming, and supplied a means of food for over 30 children and all their generations to come. But instead, I was selfish. We wanted another child, and we adopted. I only managed to help 2 children so far. What a waste of resources, I know. We could have taken care of TWO Kenyan villages and all their orphans. If we built the wells, the grain feeders, and the farms, then maybe those children would not have had to have been orphans! Who knows. So was it my faith that made me adopt? I would rather say my faith made me capable to love all people, and in that, I had a desire to love a child into our family. Was that the perfect or correct expression of my faith? Well, that is a different matter.
Coworker: … so, it was your faith then?
See yea, there you go. I’m a selfish jerk. I mean, when God said to help the widows and the orphans, I though I was answering the call through adoption. But in the end, I was really only helping a couple of kids. If I really wanted to help orphans, I should/could have taken the thousands of dollars it costs to adopt internationally and built schools, farms, and orphanages in parts of the world where they are very needed. For example, check this place out; see what wonderful work they are doing! The UN even had a World Farm Day at their farm 2 years ago, setting youfeedthem as the example for all sustainable farms to follow.
Yet, Silas and Kimberly (the couple who head up youfeedthem) are NOT being stopped on the streets by strangers going “oh look at you, you are doing such a wonderful thing.” Yet, they are helping hundreds of orphans everyday. I only helped 2. I suck at this helping orphans thing!!!
So, what, as a Christian, in response to our “faith,” are we to do for the orphans and widows?
If you are called to adopt, great. Adopt! But if you are NOT called to adopt, there are still so many many things you can do to help the 147 MILLION children who are in need!
Do not sit idly by and say “Well, we’re not called to adopt, so we can’t help the orphans.” And, at the same time, don’t say “I’m helping the orphans by adopting!”
I’m a selfish jerk. I hope to fix this in the future as I am in the process of setting up a monthly donation to Youfeedthem so I can actually get around to “helping some orphans” like people think I do.
* What I find so awesome about blogging is that in all the 360+ posts, not once have any of the stories I’ve told resulted in the comments section being filled with people in the stories clarifying the happenings. For example, when I blogged about the wife and her “mafia accidents,” not one of her friends commented with “I can not see your Wife doing that crazy thing you have described!” Nope, normally the comments are filled with “I can totally see your Wife doing that!” which means, as unbelievable as some of these stores are, they are really quite factual and accurate. Keep that in mind next time you are laughing through them thinking “Oh the Yeti MUST be exaggerating!” And I’m picking on my wife there for example only…the stories with my coworkers are just as accurate as any one of them who reads the blog would correct me if I were speaking out of turn.
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Adrian and Roberta have been married for over 13 years. They
Adopting {lots and lots and LOTS of babies}
When we started the paperwork to adopt Emery, I thought and prayed deeply about the impact and impression it will make on our family.
Could I handle the unknowns that were sure to come?
Surgeries, doctors visits, therapy sessions, emoptional scars, family counseling, attachment issues, etc.
The possible negatives could mount up quickly if not kept in check with God’s ability to heal.
Now, 6 months in, I’m finding I have so much yet to learn. So many days that I wonder if the choices I am making as a parent are the right ones. I struggle. It’s hard.
My dad always says:
Anything highly worthy of doing is the hardest thing you can do
and he’s right…oh so right.
But there is another side to the challenge…it’s the reward. today, I was present for something God needed me to see…one of the many rewards of adoption: its impression on my family.
I’ve seen an incredible change in Foster and Rowan over these past few months. Especially in Foster.
When we sit to eat, he often asks
When we sit to eat, he often asks
I Love You As Is
.
When I started dating Nathan I knew the central truth that if I didn’t love him exactly as he was right at that moment then I shouldn’t marry him based on how I could change him. Of course time would change him in some ways but it wasn’t going to be because I catered him to my desires. Well God blessed me with a man I did love as is and we later married.
I was reminded of this foundational piece of our marriage the other night as I was ranting and raving about how little progress I felt we were having with Jaydn. Sure there are some steps forward but not the ones I needed. In my fit of frustration I found myself revealing the true nature of my desire- change. I wanted Jaydn to change. It hurts to even see myself type that let alone admit it to all of you. But here I was saying that I wanted to seek healing for Jaydn and for her to be whole, but when it comes down to it the destination of the path I have been on was to change her. But that’s not love.
Love doesn’t come in the form of wanting to change the other person all the time- its meeting them where they are and staying there unless they decide to go elsewhere. Even their choice to move may not be in the direction you would want but a commitment to love that person means going with them there anyway.
What if Jaydn never stops chewing on her tongue? What if she never stops trying to manipulate people and situations? What if she never starts understanding the meaning of words and not just what they sound like? What if she always gets out of her bed in the middle of the night and wakes up her sister? Etc. Where will my love be then? Over and over again you hear about how love is a choice and this relationship is no different- I have to CHOOSE love regardless of whether anything changes.
As I was making this self discovery, I had a mental flash of the words I etched onto my living room wall that I adapted from the book Captivating by Staci Eldridge. It says, “May you find here the grace to be and the room to become.” Like a dagger to my heart those words dredged up in me my deepest desire to love others as they are. That philosophy applies to strangers, friends and yes Bethany, even to your children.
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I
We Need Prayer
Three blog drafts later, I am giving an update. But it might be shorter than those three and perhaps a bit sweeter too.
We need prayer.
I got a phone call today from their preschool. I was asked to come get one of the twins.
The same twin who missed preschool yesterday, and all last week, and once or twice a week since their first week.
They are defiant, rebellious, deceitful and disruptive….Over the last 22 months, I’ve watched some people favor this struggling twin, and I know that that is not helpful. Our children – both of them – should never feel like they are or aren’t on the end of favor from someone – against their own twin or a peer. They need to understand that winning people’s attention is not a result of sympathy, but an outcome of their right spirit. Yes – I want people to love my children, and to understand them. But not pity. I definitely don’t want them seeking out that same pity when they are older, because the world has little time for adults on the victim train. And it certainly is not biblical to go about life believing the world owes us something grand.
This child has struggled a lot these last 3 weeks, and it has gotten much worse this week. We have been careful to exercise grace to them, since God is quick to give it to us. Yet, today, we saw how perhaps we were possibly enabling them to continue even further down their path to wrong choices. Perhaps, sometimes the grace was being given out of pity. If you’re a parent, you know! Seeing your child saddened to be held accountable is awful. I hate it! We are learning. But apparently even we – their own parents – tip the scale and pity them too much to their detriment. Their flippancy about their own bad behavior is almost scary. Yesterday, they were asked if they obeyed their preschool teachers on Tuesday, to which they replied, “NOPE!” very casually. Almost giggling. Argh. I thought my schpeel about respect and rebellion towards authority was being listened to.
Apparently it took 3 adults 5 minutes of struggle to calm them down for a little time out. And one of the teacher’s got hives because it upset her so much.
They have been confronted a LOT of late with Biblical truths about rebellion. Andrew and I are striving to communicate Truth to them. They have been clearly given an explanation of authority. The whole reason we want them to do preschool is because they do not respect other adults. If they don’t learn this, we are in for serious issues in kindergarten.
Anyway, I’m not here to defend our decision to do preschool. We absolutely believe it will be extremely helpful for them to learn to respect other adults. Apparently we were RIGHT ON with that being an area they had to grow in because now we can see how far they still have to go.
We have spent a lot of time in prayer over that child (to make me concerned we aren’t praying for the other one as much as we should!), and we have been quoting several scripture verses to them. And talking about how pleased S*tan is when they rebel, or lose their temper or whatever. How much he hates them. How happy he is that they are in trouble.
Then we have explained how Jesus loved THEM SO MUCH that HE DIED on a cross for their sins. How He is grieved when they do wrong. And despite it all, He loves them very much.
This decision to start bringing it home in this way could very well be the reason they are under so much attack. NOT PRESCHOOL. NOT BEING AWAY FROM ME FOR 2 1/2 HOURS. NOT NEW FAMILY MEMBERS. NOT THEIR BACKGROUND. NOT THE TIME OF YEAR. NOT SOME PSYCHOLOGICAL JUNK GOING ON IN THEIR HEAD. Though those things have weight in describing who they are, IT REALLY SEEMS TO BE A SPIRITUAL STRUGGLE. WE ARE IN A WAR ZONE.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PRAY for US AND FOR THEM. We will NOT hold back from sharing the GOSPEL OF CHRIST to our children. We will NOT hold back from quoting THE BIBLE to them. JESUS CHRIST CAN CHANGE THEM! And, He can change all of us–and all the children–adopted or otherwise–who are struggling as they are.
Please pray for strength and encouragement for us. We are especially weary and often confused as to what is going on in their head. Please pray that CHRIST changes them. He is our only hope.
I don’t like sharing as much as I did. But if I’m not honest, people won’t know how to pray. And as you can tell, we need prayer.
I know I put a lot in caps. I know I was snarky at times. But I am quite rattled as to why they rose the stakes. Why on earth they acted out in such a violent way that was totally reminiscent of Spring, Summer and some Autumn of 2010. The teachers are tired. And as of this afternoon, scared. We are bewildered and frustrated.
Thankfully the preschool hasn’t given up and kicked them out yet. We are so grateful to have their support. It’s been priceless. To have yours too would be amazing.
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Esther and her husband Andrew became first time parents to twin toddlers with 24 hours notice, and a year before planned. Though they still have far to go in the healing process, Isaac & Mikayle have come leaps and bounds from their arrival date almost 2 years ago. Andrew and Esther accepted Christ as their Savior when they were much younger, but only recently have begun to scratch the surface in understanding the miracle of their own spiritual adoption. Currently Andrew and Esther are also host parents to two sweet Korean sisters here for a school exchange program. They hope to adopt more children in the future. Esther is the caretaker of their children (who as of last week are no longer in preschool and are home with her full-time [insert sigh]), the cook, the baker, inventory control manager and home manager. Andrew works with Bethany Christian Services in Church and Community Relations assisting South Eastern Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Delaware area churches in fulfilling the command to care for the orphans around the globe and close to home (you can connect with him at abrunk@bethany.org).
Adoption “Ideal”
Sometimes I get really frustrated at people asking the “Is this ideal?” question in adoption. I’ve had people run fearfully away from adopting because having an transracial family isn’t “ideal.” As the world sees it, our identity is merely formed by the bits and pieces of our environment. Where we live, who are our neighbors, what type of house do we live in, the color of our skin. All of these things come together to fashion who we are. What the world fails to see is that Christ took all of those fallen identity bricks and replaced them with a redemptive cornerstone. He knew an identity built on bricks made by our own decisions and life patterns would crumble or at the very least become replace with new, more promising bricks as our discontented hearts yearned for our neighbor’s homes. Jesus knew our transformation had to require a complete leveling of the old structure.
This is why adoption makes no sense to the world. Bring a baby into a white family who lives in China among all yellow faces?! Ridiculous. And they will puff up and retort “Certainly this will cause that child’s identity to be confused and misplaced!” So they recommend leaving that child, leaving my daughter, in an orphanage among her own people and culture. To leave my daughter in a place that can’t feed her or put a book in her hands to read. Why has remaining in a home culture become a blinder to seeing what is really happening? If I gave birth to a child with one arm, would the logic tell me that I should ship this child off to some camp of one armed people so they can raise him and where he can feel good about himself?! The Livesays who live in Haiti just aptly wrote on this from the perspective of what they are seeing happen there in regards to orphan care. We had a friend just this week get notice that his adoption agency was dropping them because they lived in China and were adopting an Ethiopian baby and the agency thought that the social pressures the child would feel were just too great. Sociologists and psychologists make these hypothesis’ about what is best for a child based on what they assume is best for a human-to remain among it’s own people. What they are forgetting to see is the whole child. Is remaining in a home culture best when that home culture is not able to provide what they need? Is it ideal that a white mom is raising a black child, maybe not. But I would also argue that living in a fallen world also isn’t ideal. We live in a world where ideals are many times just a mirage. We live in a world where children die of dehydration, parents sell their children to the black market, and diseases are spread simply because people aren’t wearing shoes. Ideally, none of these things would be happening.
God knew all of this. He sent Joseph a dream to reveal to him that his adoption of Jesus as his own Son was a perfect plan. God gently whispered to Makaria that although her birth parents weren’t able to raise her, His plan was to bring her to an all white family living in China. And that… was a perfect plan. If we place our identity in the things and people around us instead of on being a new creation buried in Christ, then we will continue to see adoption as a set of “not ideals”, but it is so much more than that. It’s the story of Christ being adopted by Joseph, being raised by parents who taught him the Jewish scriptures, sent to the cross by his Heavenly Father and killed by the children He was sent here to save in the first place. This is a messy, tragic, beautifully perfect plan set in motion by a God who has His very own definition of what is ‘ideal’.
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Carrie and her family have lived in China for 7 years. A homeschooling, mother of 5, she makes it through the day with prayer and a bit of caffeine. 3 years ago God flipped their family’s world upside down through the blessing of adoption. They have watched Him not only orchestrate the adoption, but compose a life dependent on His grace. She has written her first book, “Redefining Home: Squatty Potties, Split Pants, and Other Things that Divide my World,” set to come out this spring. Feel free to follow along and laugh at their crazy lives with them at www.rescuedremnant.blogspot.com.
I Don’t Want My Children To Be Happy
Dear children,
Recently we were told by people whom we love and respect why they oppose our plans to adopt. One of the reasons given was that we would not be able to pay for your college education.
It’s true.
You all have college funds – college funds which recently took a terrible hit – but “they” say that by the time you’re 18, college will cost anywhere between $200,000 to half a million dollars each. You might as well know now, we won’t be covering that. I’m telling you now, babies.
The people said that the day would come when you would look at us with resentment because you had to apply for school loans while many of your friends got a free ride from their parents.
Maybe you will. Maybe you’ll resent us. I really hope not. But maybe I should tell y’all now why your dad and I have decided to do what we are doing.
I know you’re going to think I am going off topic (I do that a lot) but several years ago I saw a story on a TV show about how the latest trend was for parents to give their daughters boob jobs for high school graduation (I don’t know what they gave their sons.) When interviewing one of the moms, she said, “I just want my daughter to be happy.” And as I tossed a throw pillow at the television, this really huge thought occurred to me: