I am home.
Love is a battlefield
Not long ago a pastor was praying over Nathan and I when he uttered words along these lines: “Satan doesn’t want this family to succeed so God be their anchor as he attacks them.” It was right then and there that I truly understood what a war zone our entire family had just entered. I always “knew” it would be hard to adopt a child, that there would be days I would get overwhelmed or the kids wouldn’t get along, and days when progress would feel limited, but it was in that moment I became aware that being under attack was going to be a permanent part of our story.
You see, for the first 2 and a half years of my daughters life Satan believed he had gotten the upper hand. She was abandoned, alone, unloved, purposeless, insecure, unattached etc. He celebrated every hurdle placed in her life and laughed when she was unable to lift herself over each obstacle in order to run the race set out before her. He took pleasure in watching her build up walls around her heart and develop techniques that would serve her well in the dog eat dog world she was living in. But God had a plan for our daughter too. As Satan whet his appetite for her ultimate demise, God began a story line that would bring redemption and victory to her soul.
When we said, “yes!” to God’s call to adopt we enlisted each member of our family in the bloodiest war imaginable. Many had fallen in defeat on the very ground we were stepping into battle on. But many had found victory on this path as well. With each step taken toward our forever family we were being ushered onto the front lines of a spiritual battle I had only read about prior to now:
For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. – Ephesians 6:12
War torn and battle scarred, my daughter had been fighting this battle her whole life but she was no longer going to be fighting it alone. Now we are all in the war.
Some days I get so tired from the fight that my passion becomes misdirected and I start fighting with or against my daughter instead of fighting for her. I become an adversary instead of her advocate. But graciously God offers me insight into my weary misfires and I am able to re-calibrate our troops and start to gain some ground again. Still, the Enemy is ruthless.
So as we, together as a family, enter into the war zone of adoption on a daily basis and struggle to lift Jaydn over the hurdles of her past and encourage her to venture away from the walls around her heart toward wholeness and healing, I cling to the Truth found in Romans 8:
If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who shall separate us from the the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:“For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”No in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans 8:31-39
So Satan…hit us with your best shot! I may lose focus from time to time but Im in this war for the long haul and I have read the back of the book and know how the story ends- God wins. You got nothing on Love.
________________________________________
I
Learn when it hurts
During the seemingly endless & excruciating 18 month wait for our Joshua to come home from a Ugandan orphanage, there were so many times when I felt forgotten by my Heavenly Father.
No Debate
This post has been being written over and over again in my brain several times over the last few months. Last night I couldn’t sleep at all over it, so it’s time to get it out and put it to rest so I can get some rest! Way to often recently, an ugly debate has been raising its head on social network sites and quite honestly, I believe it grieves the Lord, and fuels the enemy’s fire to steal kill and destroy.
Domestic Adoption
vs.
International Adoption
If you have sensitive toes, you may want to stop reading about now. Because some things just need to be said.
First of all:
This is an argument we should NOT be having.
Disunity in the Body of Christ is a disgrace to the Lord. John 17:23 says that by our unity, the world will know that we are Christians and they would know how much we love people. Ephesians 4:13 says that unity is a sign of maturity. We are immature believers if we are arguing over this issue. We are NOT showing the world Jesus and we are NOT showing the world how much He loves them. If you want to talk to a family about their motivations behind one or the other, do it in private. I am 100% willing to bet that you will come to complete understand about their reasoning. At the end of the day, this argument only brings DISTRACTION from the real issue….every child deserves a family. And the enemy is having a party if he can take the focus off these children, and onto one another and ridiculous arguing.
Second:
No one child is more deserving than another.
I have worked for an adoption agency for 5 years now. The first three were spent in the domestic program. Over the course of that 3 years, I got to be in the delivery room 32 times to welcome precious children into this world. I took custody of 32 babies and handed over the majority of those tiny, squirming infants into the arms of adoptive mamas and daddies. I helped new parents figure out infant car seats and walked sobbing birth mothers out of the hospital and drove them home. Often times, the birth mom didn’t want to see the newborn. I spent many hours, in empty L&D rooms, with fresh newborns, rocking and praying over them, assuring them that they had a family coming. And they always did. More often than not, I was in tears as well just watching the process.
Those babies are just as orphaned as the ones in China. They are no more deserving of a family……and to say, “why go overseas when you can adopt right here in your neighborhood” is a very western, selfish, american, ugly, thing to say.
NO one child is more deserving than another.
NOT. ONE.
I dare you to look at my children and say that they were less deserving because they were born in China. I bet not one person who has made that statement above would believe that if they spent one hour with my kids. Adoption is a picture of the very gospel….and to say one person is more deserving than another is a slap in the face to our call to care for the orphan. People who make this debate would never comment on a missionaries post and say, “why are you going to serve overseas when there are people right here who need Jesus?” Doesn’t that sound absurd? It sounds just as absurd when you ask it of the orphan.
Third:
Families go where God calls them.
Why did we adopt from China?
We had children there.
The Lord made that crystal clear.
We would’ve gone to China, Africa, Arkansas, or the North Pole if the Lord had asked us to. The Lord calls us the Body of Christ….we each have a function. If we were all called to the same place and the same thing, the world would be boring and lots would go undone. If we were all called to care for China’s orphans, the rest would go unnoticed. When families call me and ask about the process, the first thing I say, every single time, is “pray about WHERE.” Then call me back when God tells you, and we’ll move forward. Praise the Lord we are all called to different places!!! We get to be His hands and feet right here in our backyards and overseas!!! That ought to make us rejoice, not debate!!
Lastly:
Be respectful and prayerful.
People need Jesus. Children need families. Families need children. Before you take a stab at an adoptive parents motivation, consider what YOU might do. If you look around and you aren’t doing a thing, please keep your opinions to yourself. Adoptive parenting is HARD ENOUGH. Adoption brings baggage. Even to a two day old infant. It’s a lifetime process and is a beautiful thing. It’s a good hard. Instead of debating, we should be praying for one another. Asking the Lord what we can do. Holding the hand of a broken mama who’s birth mom has changed her mind, and the baby has to go back. Bringing dinner to the family who just came home from two weeks overseas and can’t get their days and nights turned back around. Serve one another! (1 Peter 4:10)
Toes ok?
Put it to rest, friends. Give it up. Let it go. If you are called to this road, celebrate it with one another. It will change you…….and it’s not a glamorous life. Adoption changes the way you see the Lord, changes your checkbook and how you spend your money, and gives you a burden that some days is all consuming. If you haven’t been on this road, respectfully keep your opinions to yourself. Be the Body of Christ that we are called to be to one another and to a dying world that needs Jesus like nobody’s business. And if we are going to fight over something, let it be:
Philippians 1:27
Above all, you must live as citizens of heaven, conducting yourselves in a manner worthy of the Good News about Christ. Then, whether I come and see you again or only hear about you, I will know that you are standing together with one spirit and one purpose, fighting together for the faith, which is the Good News.
________________________________________
- Emily and Jay have been married for 11 years and have 5 childen–Avery 8, Ally 6, Annalyse 4, Ashley 3, and (finally) our BOY, Asher 2. Ashley and Asher were adopted from China and were both special needs adoptions. Jay is an associate pastor at Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, GA, and Emily spends her days chasing toddlers and waiting in line at carpool. Her favorite place in the world is in her van, all alone with the worship music blaring! She would count it an honor to have you be encouraged at
How Dare I Not?
My mother has a friend, an elderly man, who was preparing to go on a cruise. This first required a flight and before leaving for the airport the man, knowing that he might be walking on some uneven territory, grabbed an old cane, a walking stick that had belonged to his grandfather. It had sat in the corner, used only occasionally.
The man and his traveling companions stood in line for security at the airport. They noticed that those to whom they had entrusted to keep them safe were eying his cane very carefully, examining it from every angle. Suddenly, to the extreme surprise of the gentleman, the agent pulled on the cane and out whisked a very long, very sharp sword.
Chaos ensued. The travelers were rushed away, interrogated, but fortunately were deemed harmless and allowed to travel, sans the antique threat to national security.
It’s been dry around here lately. My heart, I mean. My spirit is parched.
Last November I spoke at a retreat on the extremely weighty issue of how God uses our suffering for His glory. I believed that God had called me to tackle this topic but the stress of it was overwhelming. After reading every book I could find on suffering, listening to every podcast, and pouring over every bible verse, and trying not to throw up in between sessions, I was drained. I had immersed myself in the Word for weeks and when it was all over, my sin nature immediately said “No more! Bring on the chick lit! DVR up the drivel! I need a break from all things deep and godly!”
It’s disgusting, actually.
About this same time, I discovered things about the adoption industry in Ethiopia that ushered in more nausea. Overwhelmed by information and confronted by the shocking ugliness of sin, plus accepting that bringing our daughter home is probably not on God’s agenda for 2012 caused my spirit to withdraw even more. Am I angry at God? I don’t think so. Am I jaded and cynical? More than ever before. Am I in despair? Yes.
Throw in the all the other worldly diversions and my bible has sat neglected for weeks.
My soul almost recoils at the thought of reading it. My short prayers consist mainly of, “I’m really sorry God. Thank you for loving me anyway.”
Oh wretched woman that I am! Who shall deliver me from this body of death?
Following a God-agenda
I
So We Wait…
So thankful that we can lift each other up in prayer…
________________________________________
I have always viewed myself as a patient person, that is until we began this adoption process. There have been many times over these past 16 months that I have struggled with that word. The truth is, these past few months have been really difficult. There are moments when I am a hot mess trying to figure out why this is taking so long when we just want them home.
There have been moments when I have asked God how much longer? How much longer do we wait? How much longer do we put our lives on hold? Then I am brought back down to reality when He reminds me how long He waits for me. How long He waits for me to get it right. How being a follower of Christ isn’t living “my life” but the life that my Savior has written for me. So we wait….
We want to thank you for walking along side us during this time. Many of you have reached out to us with encouraging words and countless prayers for our family. It is those faithful prayers that have given us strength and helped carry us through the tough times.
We are currently waiting for a document from DRC so our case can be sent to immigration. Please pray that our faithful God will move mountains and that we’ll soon be one step closer to bringing them home.
________________________________________
Jaason and I have been married for fourteen years and have been blessed with three biological children- Madi, Elijah, and Jacob. We are currently waiting to bring home our two little ones from the Democratic Republic of the Congo. The lessons we are learning about love through this adoption process are continually changing who we are forever. You can follow along at www.detmersfamilyadventures.blogspot.com
Surrounded
As I write this I
Fear Not
I often think of the foster children who have passed through our home.
Ramblings From a Selfish Jerk
It is funny what people say when we are talking, and it is amazing what funnies we can miss if we don’t actually stop and pay attention to what is being said. I’ve documented a few conversations I’ve had at work over the past little while, and have reprinted them here in exacting detail.*
Little Bing in the middle – our newest just turned 3
after being in Canada for only 6 weeks!
… flashback a few months ago…
Coworker: So, are you going to tell Ping that she is adopted?
Me: *blink* *blink*
Coworker: What?
Me: You know I’m not REALLY Chinese right? I only pretend to me.
Coworker: Huh?
*awkward silence*
Coworker: AAAaaah! Wait! You are white!
Me: Yea.
Coworker: And she is Chinese!
Me: Yea.
Coworker: So I guess you’re gonna tell her then?
Me: Well, I’m gonna try to hide it for as long as I can, but I think eventually she will figure it out.
… flashback a couple months ago…
Coworker: You’re wife doesn’t work, right?
Me: Well, I don’t know. Depends on how you define work. If you mean, dose she work from 8am to 5pm, get a benefits package, a decent wage, time off, the respect of coworkers, and satisfaction from a job well done… then no. But, if you are asking is she busy from dawn till dusk, 24 hours a day, with no pay, no thanks, and a never ending to do list…then yes.
Coworker: Wow. Uh, what does she do?
Me: Stays home with the 5 children.
Coworker: Oh, so she DOESN’T work.
Me: *blink* *blink* Yea, she does nothing all day.
… flashback a few weeks ago…
Coworker: Hey, you speak Chinese!
Me: Yea.
Coworker: So, is your wife Chinese?
Me: Uhhhh, no.
Coworker: Why then?
Me: Um, because her parents were English? (Now, in her defense, the question in Chinese made perfect sense, as in “why [do you speak Chinese] then”, I was just being a smart … )
… flashback a few days ago…
Coworker: So, 5 kids now right?
Me: *snoork* Whaaaaaza, some … one talking… *zzZZZzzz*
Coworker: Right, 5 kids I get it. So you gonna have any more?
Me: WHAT?! 6?! Are you crazy!
Coworker: No, but apparently you are! 5 kids!
Me: Oh right, well, yea… maybe.
… flashback to a couple days ago…
Coworker: So, why did you adopt?
Me: Oh, it was an accident. My wife and I were up a little late, had a little too much wine, and before you knew it, we had filled out 27 copies of paperwork for international adoption.
Coworker: I mean, you can have your own kids, why adopt? Is it your faith?
Me: Well, yes… and no. I mean, it is. There is something in the Bible about caring for the widows and orphans. However, that is not why we adopted. It would be easy to say that and sound all noble and righteous, but in all honesty, I choose to adopt because I’m a selfish jerk.
Coworker: Wha?! Oh no, you are not selfish!
Me: Oh, but I am. If I really wanted to help care for the orphans, than I should have taken the thousands of dollars this international adoption cost and built a new orphanage in Africa! I could have drilled two wells in an Kenyan village, installed a grain feed system for cattle, purchased 4 acres of land for sustainable farming, and supplied a means of food for over 30 children and all their generations to come. But instead, I was selfish. We wanted another child, and we adopted. I only managed to help 2 children so far. What a waste of resources, I know. We could have taken care of TWO Kenyan villages and all their orphans. If we built the wells, the grain feeders, and the farms, then maybe those children would not have had to have been orphans! Who knows. So was it my faith that made me adopt? I would rather say my faith made me capable to love all people, and in that, I had a desire to love a child into our family. Was that the perfect or correct expression of my faith? Well, that is a different matter.
Coworker: … so, it was your faith then?
See yea, there you go. I’m a selfish jerk. I mean, when God said to help the widows and the orphans, I though I was answering the call through adoption. But in the end, I was really only helping a couple of kids. If I really wanted to help orphans, I should/could have taken the thousands of dollars it costs to adopt internationally and built schools, farms, and orphanages in parts of the world where they are very needed. For example, check this place out; see what wonderful work they are doing! The UN even had a World Farm Day at their farm 2 years ago, setting youfeedthem as the example for all sustainable farms to follow.
Yet, Silas and Kimberly (the couple who head up youfeedthem) are NOT being stopped on the streets by strangers going “oh look at you, you are doing such a wonderful thing.” Yet, they are helping hundreds of orphans everyday. I only helped 2. I suck at this helping orphans thing!!!
So, what, as a Christian, in response to our “faith,” are we to do for the orphans and widows?
If you are called to adopt, great. Adopt! But if you are NOT called to adopt, there are still so many many things you can do to help the 147 MILLION children who are in need!
Do not sit idly by and say “Well, we’re not called to adopt, so we can’t help the orphans.” And, at the same time, don’t say “I’m helping the orphans by adopting!”
I’m a selfish jerk. I hope to fix this in the future as I am in the process of setting up a monthly donation to Youfeedthem so I can actually get around to “helping some orphans” like people think I do.
* What I find so awesome about blogging is that in all the 360+ posts, not once have any of the stories I’ve told resulted in the comments section being filled with people in the stories clarifying the happenings. For example, when I blogged about the wife and her “mafia accidents,” not one of her friends commented with “I can not see your Wife doing that crazy thing you have described!” Nope, normally the comments are filled with “I can totally see your Wife doing that!” which means, as unbelievable as some of these stores are, they are really quite factual and accurate. Keep that in mind next time you are laughing through them thinking “Oh the Yeti MUST be exaggerating!” And I’m picking on my wife there for example only…the stories with my coworkers are just as accurate as any one of them who reads the blog would correct me if I were speaking out of turn.
________________________________________
Adrian and Roberta have been married for over 13 years. They