Telephone

So, Lucy and I have a little game we have been playing where we pretend to call someone on the telephone.  Usually I am supposed to place the call… ring, ring, ring… and say hello to the recipient on the other end of the line.  Then I pass the phone to her and she says hello and passes it back and then proceeds to tell me what else I should tell them.  I think I am learning all kinds of interesting things by being part of these phone calls that I may not otherwise be privy to!  Recently, we started out calling Hanna, Spencer, Becca, Baba… then we moved on to calling people in China.  We called Baoji Mama and Baba (her foster parents in Baoji) and some other familiar names of her friends.  Then things started to get interesting and she started asking me to call other friends from China with names I was not yet familiar with… some of them were younger children, some older, some had been adopted.  It is amazing to me how well we can communicate in our combination of Chinese and English after only 3 months and how quickly more and more of the balance of our communication continues to lean toward English.  Sometimes we talk around ideas or use a translator app on my phone like Google Translate or Pleco to help us get over a hurdle.  On this particular day, as we continued to make calls, I used the English word “adopted” and she stopped and asked what I meant.  ”Remember that Baba Mama came to China to find Lucy?  Remember that we signed papers together?  Remember the blue thumbprints and your hand print that we put on the papers?”

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Nods and agreement from Lucy to all of this.  ”Lucy, do you understand?  Now I am your mama.  No more new mamas.”  Yes, she nodded and asked to tell me something in Chinese using the translator app.  I found it on my phone and we both patiently waited for the little ding that indicates she should start talking.  Then I held the phone and waited for the English word to appear…

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Back in China, in the world that Lucy knew, all the female caregivers were called “mama” and all the male caregivers “baba.”  These caregivers have come and gone in Lucy’s life and have not been “forever and always.”  When I caught my breath, I couldn’t help but be amazed and be so blessed.  As I type tonight, I am thinking of how easy it is for things to be lost in translation even among speakers of a common language and
of the other game called “telephone” that demonstrates this so well!
I am so grateful that this truth is taking hold in Lucy.
May she truly feel it in the depth of her heart.
She has a family forever and always.

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KirstinRothfussKirstin Rothfuss is Mama to 5 wonderful children and wife to Jason. Two of their children came to their family through the blessing of adoption. Their family mission statement is …“to glorify God by working together to help people of all ages all around us reach their full potential through adventure, hospitality, education, and service.”
You can read the story of the Rothfuss family’s most recent adoption at http://www.rothfuss.us/.

Waiting is Hard, Y’all!

As a child, I remember the excruciating wait from Christmas Eve to Christmas morning. I would lie awake for what seems like hours wondering how I was ever going to fall asleep and what the morning might hold.

Now as I lie awake at night, gone are the visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. Instead, my heart is on the other side of the world, as I think about my sweet girl who is waiting too. Waiting for a family she can call her own and who will love her forever. 

Waiting for an adoption is hard, y’all. When I was young, I thought that one night of waiting for Christmas morning was tough. I had no idea what was to come.

First, we waited for years and years for a biological child who never came, because God had a different plan. Then we waited for our first adoption, our second and now our third. 

Waiting may be hard, but so worth it because God’s plan is so much greater and more wonderful than ours. And even though the wait is hard, once it is over, and we see God’s plan fully accomplished, we know why He made us wait on His timing.

This is a truth I cling to right now when I lie awake at night wishing my child were in my arms. I know that His plan and timing is perfect. I’ve seen it realized twice before, but that hasn’t made the wait any easier. However, because I trust Him based on past experiences of seeing Him work, I know that I will look back on this time and again see His hand behind the scenes in our life and her life, preparing us for the exact moment that He has ordained that we should become a family. 

How often has God had to wait for us to respond, believe Him, love Him, or follow Him?

How patient He is with us! 

He longs for us, searches for us, and seeks us just as I long for, searched for and sought my sweet little one. So I will trust in the Lord who is my God, Father, Savior and friend, remembering that He loves her even more that I do.

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Suzanne Meledeo

After struggling with infertility for 5 years, God led Suzanne and her husband Adam to His Plan A for their lives—adoption! Their daughter, Grace Lihua, came into their lives in 2011 from the Fujian Province, China. Their son, Anthony Jianyou, joined their family in January of 2013 from Shanghai, and their little girl, Eva Hanting, will be joining their family very soon from the Hunan Province. After a career in politics, Suzanne is thankful for God’s provision in their lives that now allows her to work part time as a Pilates instructor while home schooling their children and working as a part of the WAGI leadership team. You can follow their adoption journey and life on their blog, Surpassing Greatness.

The Day I Fell Apart

The Day I Fell Apart

Something triggered her fear, and she snapped. I will never call them “fits” because that would imply she could control them. And she cannot.

We’ve learned how to handle her meltdowns over the last year. We restrain her safely, usually while rocking her back and forth and telling her in a quiet voice about how much we love her, no matter what.

This time, I let go at the wrong time, and her knee hit me square in the chin. I saw stars then told her I’d have to come back in a minute. I went to the bathroom and exploded into sobs. It was as if I’d put my carbonated emotions in a bottle and shaken them for months. Physical pain was the only thing that could release the pressure.

I cried on and off for days. I cried about issues I’d been thinking about for months, and I cried about things so ridiculous that I would laugh while wiping my tears. That’s a sure way to let your family know you’ve completely lost it.

It turns out when you wait a long time to let yourself have a breakdown, it takes a while to recover.

On day three of my incessant crying, Matt left to speak at a church in Kansas for four nights. He felt bad for leaving, and I was dreading single parenting in the midst of the rollercoaster. I prayed that my kids would show me mercy for the week. Bedtimes are very difficult right now for a couple of our kids, and they’re even worse when Matt’s gone. The most challenging part of the day comes when I have the least energy and patience left. So I prayed for my own strength as well.

The days went by, and my kids were amazingly well-behaved. I eventually cried all the tears I’d been storing up. Matt came back home, and things eased back into normal.

When I went to a meeting with my counseling supervisor the next week, I described the whole thing to him. He said, “So you’re saying that when you allowed yourself to fall apart, the whole world didn’t fall apart? You mean when you gave your family the chance, they actually rose to the occasion?” I told him to shut up.

But he was right (I have a love/hate relationship with his rightness). When I see my husband struggle, I feel like I have to stay strong. When my kids are dealing with hard things, I put my own challenges aside. And the pressure builds.

When I let myself be weak and fall apart, balance reigns. They rise to the challenge. I get to have bad days and feel sad. I get to cry for lots of reasons or no reason at all. Being the mom doesn’t make my emotions or difficulties mean less. In fact, I dare say that it’s good for our kids to see me feel all kinds of things and deal with those feelings in healthy ways. (Or, less fun to talk about, to deal with my feelings in unhealthy ways and then apologize to them).

Are you putting your own needs on the back-burner while you help everyone else cope with theirs? I’ve learned that my emotions will eventually make themselves undeniable, and not always at the most convenient time.

Emotional health is a discipline. The circumstances in which I most need to practice good self-care are the same situations in which it’s most difficult to do so. Therefore, I must be disciplined in taking care of myself, even when it feels unnatural. Even when it’s inconvenient.

Have you been storing your emotions away while you tend to everyone around you? It might be time to open up that bottle before it explodes.

 **Disclaimer: The “meltdowns” are very rare now, and we have not always handled them well. If you’re in the middle of that struggle with your hurting child, you’re not alone. And if you’re not handling it with rocking and a quiet voice of grace, you’re not a horrible parent. It takes time and professional help to learn the best ways to help our kids from hard places. If we can help you find help, please let us know. 

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Matt and Becca write about marriage, parenting, and life through the lens of a married couple, parenting team, and pastor and professional counselor. They share hope and restoration by giving a glimpse into their lives- the failures, the successes, and the brokenness and beauty of everyday. You can read more of their writing at WhitsonLife.

 

A call for letters

“A letter is a blessing, a great and all-too-rare privilege that can turn a private moment into an exalted experience.” – Alexandra Stoddard

letters buttonAn exalted experience. We all desire that–experiences that take us to place we simply do not go everyday, a place that excites us, challenges us, makes us see the the next day or even the next moments in a new way. Letters can do that through both the creating of them and the taking them in. When we sit in quiet with the specific intention of pouring our heart out in words to someone, we make space to process a relationship in our lives at least in part. But, it doesn’t stop there. We share that process, and in that sharing the exalted experience happens.

That’s what we want for you. So we are calling out for letters for this blog over the month of April–a letter to your child, a letter to your spouse, a letter to your mother, a letter to your child’s first mother or father, a letter to your child’s teacher, a letter to your best friend, a letter to a foster parent or orphanage nanny. We aren’t looking for a particular letter or bent. The person to whom it is addressed may have already read your words, may read them soon, or may never read them. Your letter could overflow with love or gently direct. Maybe your process in writing them is all that is needed to create the exalted experience. We just want to urge you to grab hold of one of those all-too-rare privileges when we see our hearts turned inside out and we experience something new together as a community.

Write a letter to share, then share it with us via email by clicking here so that we can consider posting it and sharing it with others with your name attached or anonymously if you prefer. Stephanie, the administrator of this blog, will read every word sent to us and, after experiencing the words herself, will reply to you if we decide to share it here. If you want to be held accountable to the challenge but don’t want your heart shared so widely on this blog, still email her and allow her the privilege of being blessed by your words and blessing you with a private response.

 

Hard Hope

He was laying in his bed, head shoved into the hard wood between the rails of his crib and the thin mattress, desperately sucking his thumb and whimpering. I picked him up, kissed his little head — burning up. The nanny turned to me, “He’s not feeling well,” she said. I nodded, and held him close. He nuzzled closer and looked up at me.

Only an orphan for a little more than a week and already he has to learn about being alone the hard way. Feverish and uncomfortable and mama’s got two arms and eleven babies.

my arms are yours for now, little one

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We pray for families to come quickly for these little ones, but when it has only been days since he last knew the touch of his mother’s hand, or the voice of his daddy… it’s hard. It’s hard to hope for a future that shouldn’t be. It’s hard to get excited about adoption, when a little one has so recently been abandoned.

Do you get me? Do you understand? I’m all for adoption, I think that it’s beautiful  – God works through His body to restore and redeem and paint for us, His children, a picture of His great love. But it’s still hard… there is pain and scars and brokenness, and the brokenness is so much more evident in the beginning few pages of a child’s story. What will happen next? I don’t know. But what I do know is that today a little one is grieving the loss of his parents. He’s grieving the fact that he is not their Precious One anymore.

come, Lord Jesus, come

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Hannah Samuels

When Hannah traveled to China in 2002 with her parents to adopt her sister Elisabeth, she fell in love with the country and people. In 2004, when her other sister Naomi was adopted, she started dreaming of going back. It took 5 years for that dream to come true. She now serves in a foster home for special needs orphans in China. Hannah spends her days studying, writing for the foster home and on her personal blog, Loving Dangerously, and most importantly, holding babies. Hannah loves the adventure of living overseas with her family. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it.

In Honor of Avery Madison

Avery Foot Obituary

On Saturday, February 28, 2015, 11 month old Avery Madison Foot of Fulton, Maryland passed away unexpectedly of SIDS. Avery is the beloved daughter of Shaena and Jeff, sister of Caitlyn Foot, and granddaughter of Roxy and Dave Kreuger. She is also survived by many aunts, uncles and cousins.

Pray for this family, that they would tangibly feel the presence of God and that they would cling to Him as He starts to put their broken hearts back together in a new way.

At the request of Avery’s parents, donations can be made by clicking on the donate button below in lieu of flowers. The Sparrow Fund will be working closely with the family so that whatever funds come in are used to support adoption and honor their precious daughter who joined their family via adoption.

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You can donate with a credit card through PayPal below.
Donations can be made even if you do not have a PayPal account.
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To donate by check, please make payable to The Sparrow Fund and mail it to:

The Sparrow Fund
124 3rd Ave
Phoenixville, PA 19460

Is Love Enough?

 I hear the Lord saying, ‘I will stay close to you, as I instruct and guide you along the pathway of your life. I WILL COUNSEL YOU along the way, and lead you forth with My eyes as your guide. So don’t make it difficult, don’t be stubborn when I take you where you’ve not been before. Don’t make Me have to tug you and pull you along. JUST COME WITH ME!’ (Psalm 32:8-9, The Passion Translation)

Do you hear echoes of your own parental voice in these words? I know I do! Look how our Father starts with connection–oh how I love that about Him!

When my eyes are on Him, I see the way forward, because I see it in His eyes.

So often we parents don’t know what to do to help our child, to parent well and wisely. The options either seem too many, or they seem to have disappeared altogether! We busy ourselves scanning all the possibilities, but sometimes we forget to simply look at Jesus to see what direction He is going.We are so quick to run to counselors when we recognize the effects of trauma and all that surrounds our adoptions and fostering. Stephen and I are so very thankful for the therapists that have helped us and our children. We have received significant help and guidance, and God has used these counselors to help our children. But as my dear friend Susan Hillis says, there is a difference between a counselor with a small ‘c’ and THE COUNSELOR! The One who promises, “I will counsel you along the way…”

His love for you and your child goes beyond–deeper and higher than your child’s need.
Deeper and higher than the limits of your parenting abilities.

I have found Him to be so practical in His guidance as Stephen and I make tough parenting decisions. Certainly adoption is constantly taking me “places I have not been before”–I often find myself on unfamiliar ground as a parent.
I suspect you know exactly what I mean!

So today, I just want to encourage you my fellow parents that you do hear God’s voice– you are created for it! God would not promise His counsel if we were incapable of receiving.

For all the counselors in the world, and all the best parenting practices you can put in place, will not heal your child. We co-labor with God for our child’s healing, but in the end, each one will walk in wholeness not by our own effort, but by His!

I used to think that the love of our family would be “enough” to carry our children into healing and freedom.

Is love enough? If we are talking about my love, then I will have to say NO.

But, if we are talking about God’s love for my child, and for me, then a resounding YES is my response to that question. YES YES YES! Greater than hope, Greater than faith– LOVE IS GREATER than any loss your child has faced.Even if a king has the best equipped army, it would never be enough to save him. Even if the best warrior went to battle, he could not be saved simply by his strength alone. Human strength and the weapons of man are such false hopes for victory. They may seem mighty, but they will always disappoint…. The Lord alone is our radiant hope and we trust in Him with all our hearts. His wrap-around presence will strengthen us. (Psalm 33:16-17, 20)

So, wherever you are in this parenting journey, remember you have a Wonderful Counselor, free of charge and available for home visits 24/7. And remember that you always have hope, a radiant hope, that comfortably surpasses your own parenting abilities and far outstrips your child’s needs.

                                        ___________________________________________
Beth Templeton
Beth Templeton

Beth has been married to her husband Stephen for 27 years. They have seven children, ages 18-24. Several years after giving birth to three girls God called their family to the adventure and blessing of adoption. In 2000, they brought home a brother and sister, ages 5 and 10, from Russia. Then they returned to the same orphanage 18 months later and brought home two more brothers, ages 7 and 10. Beth’s heart has been deeply and forever changed as she has watched the love of Father God poured out on her whole family through adoption. She leads Hope at Home, a ministry dedicated to help adoptive and foster parents encounter the Father’s heart for their families, partnering with God to transform orphans into sons and daughters. For more parenting insight and encouragement in the Lord, go to Hope at Home.

What color is adoption?

what color is the dressWe were eating muffins at a cafe this morning when a guy approached us, held out his phone, and asked us what colors we saw.

“Um…gold and white?”

He replied, “No way! No! It’s black and blue!” He walked away laughing; we sat there stumped.

We thought he was just a weirdo until Evan came home from school and showed me the same picture and asked the same question.

Apparently, this silly picture has nearly broken the Internet since yesterday. In 6 hours alone, this picture of a dress got over 16 million hits all from people arguing over what colors it is. Our own family has been duking it out this afternoon.

Experience is reality. When we see gold and white, it’s gold and white; anything else couldn’t possibly be. It doesn’t matter that the person next to us swears it’s black and blue. We just tell her she’s wrong and roll our eyes when she tries to tell us the same thing.

So, what color is adoption?

The black and blue abounds. Hearts spill out via words on screens about the emotional cost, the trauma, the brokenness, the loss, the hurt, the hard starts that beget more hard. I’ve read them; I’ve wrote them. And, I confess that when I have been focused on the black and blue, it’s pretty hard to see any other colors. There may have been glimpses of gold and white; a change in color for just a moment that caught my eye. But, moments later, I talked myself out of it. No, I was wrong. It’s really black and blue. I must have been seeing things.

8 years into our adoption journey. 5 years into parenting a child who joined our family through adoption. 4 years into ministering to other families built via adoption. I know the black and blue; the black and blue is real and on some days seems like it can be tangibly felt. But, I know the gold and white better. And, I’ve seen how the gold and white is fully able to overcome the black and blue.

Adoption is family. It’s redemption in loss. Adoption is hope despite the unknown. Adoption is connection and relationship. It is courage and resilience. It’s beauty so intense it can be tangibly felt and breathed in. It’s power to overcome. Adoption is delighting in each other. It’s being intentional to focus on the gold and white even in the midst of black and blue.

It’s amazing. life changing. an opportunity for healing. a blessing.

It’s everyday. It’s life.

It’s good. 

What color is adoption?

It’s gold and black, white and blue, and every shade in between. Don’t even try to convince me of anything different.

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Kelly has a passion for supporting adoptive families, specifically to encourage parents to be intentional and understand their own hearts more clearly as they seek to care for their hearts of their children. Kelly cofounded The Sparrow Fund with her husband Mark in 2011 to serve adoptive families. After a long time using her Master’s degree in counseling informally, Kelly recently joined the team at the Attachment & Bonding Center of PA as a cotherapist. Married to Mark since 1998, they have 3 biological children and 1 daughter who was adopted as a toddler from China in 2010. You can learn more about their adoption story, how they’ve been changed by the experience of adoption, and what life for them looks like on Kelly’s personal blog, My Overthinking.

Adoption Isn’t Always Easy {And It Isn’t Supposed to Be}

Last year I wrote this post about how marriage isn’t always easy. And how it isn’t necessarily supposed to be.After that post, I received feedback from women all over the world. Women who were relieved to hear that it’s perfectly normal to have to work to keep a marriage strong. Women who survived struggles, setbacks and heartbreak to go on to many, many more years of successful marriage. Women whose marriages didn’t last but who offered up heartfelt, insightful advice.

Today I want to share something else. Something that many adoptive parents might not say and something that may come as a surprise to those who don’t have a best friend who is an adoptive parent or to those who have never had a late night conversation over coffee (or a glass of wine) with an adoptive parent.

Adoption isn’t always easy. Nor is it supposed to be.

Do you see a theme here? Perhaps I should also write posts on marathon running and how that’s pretty tough and on grad school and how that isn’t always easy either (nor is it supposed to be).

In all seriousness, there exists a big misconception that after all of the adoption paperwork is completed and after a child is “home” that life is a cakewalk. That the child is overwhelmingly grateful to have a family and that the other siblings are thrilled and that they parents are overjoyed and enamored with every word and movement that their new arrival makes. For most adoptive families, it doesn’t work that way. Not only is adoption hard, sometimes it is gut-wrenching, brutally, frustratingly challenging.

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE ADOPTION and it is a big part of how we have built our family. As a little elderly lady, herself an adoptive mother, told me in Home Depot the other day, “It sure is a lot of work but there’s just nothing like it. The time and energy that you invest in your children will be your greatest asset some day.” And she’s exactly right.

Adoption is much more complicated than finding a child who needs a forever family, completing a daunting stack of paperwork, plunking that child into a home and living happily ever after. It is a delicate waltz of forward and back, a complicated patchwork quilt where, at times, only a single thread holds it all together, a lifelong immersion of listening and learning and trusting and embracing.

Like marriage, adoption takes people who may be very different from one another and forever seals them together. It is entirely possible that you might not like the new person sharing your space, the child who you’d previously only seen in photographs and who you envisioned to look and behave and respond in a certain way (and it is entirely possible that they might not like you!). Sometimes you peel back one layer of trust to reveal something that you don’t know how to handle or that was completely unexpected. Sometimes you may even wonder if you’ve made a mistake.

Adopted children may not look like you. They do not necessarily share your cultural background or common interests. Heck, they may even be your polar opposite. And, for many adoptive parents, it may feel like there is a long-term guest in the house for many, many years before normalcy returns.

Children who join your family through adoption may have been loved or maybe they came from a background of trauma. They may have behaviors that you never imagined having to deal with. Urinating on oneself for attention? Lying about the color of the sky because there is no foundation of trust? Drawing on/cutting/intentionally ruining clothing? Stealing/hoarding/gorging on/refusing food and anything else you can think of that could potentially make mealtime dreadful? Oh, we’ve been there.

When the newness wears off and things start getting real, it gets interesting in a hurry. And, while it may not be the instant love affair with your new child that you expected, don’t lose heart. As the days turn into weeks, the weeks into months and the months into years, your love for that child will grow and flourish. I promise. There will come a day when it’s hard to recall your life before that child joined your family. That realization is a monumental milestone. Some day those early struggles will seem so trivial and, as the layers slowly get peeled back, you will constantly be delighted, amazed and awed by the little person who you are raising.

You will come to realize that, just like marriage, there is no foolproof “How To” guide for raising any child, not to mention an adopted child. You will learn what works and what doesn’t. You’ll make mistakes, some of them pretty big. You’ll learn from them and your child will forgive you so, in turn, you need to forgive your child when they make mistakes. You’ll see a side of yourself that you did not know existed and it may be an ugly, hateful side that you are ashamed of. You will feel emotions that you did not know that you had.

Just remember, you are getting shaped and molded as a parent just as your new child is getting shaped and molded as a loved, valued member of a family. Parenting is a constant learning experience regardless of how many children you have or how long you have been a parent. The good news is that the more you practice, the longer that you are a parent and the more experience that you gain, the more tools you will have to handle the challenges that your children face and the more prepared you are for the next adventure. It will get easier to laugh at the things that won’t really matter in the long run and to make an action plan for handling those that really are a big deal.

Adoption isn’t always easy. But few things worth doing ever are.

                                _________________________________________

 

Ashlee Andrews
Ashlee Andrews

Ashlee Andrews is veterinarian and a mother of five (soon to be six!) children, two of whom joined the family through international adoption. She is the Albuquerque, NM director and producer of the Listen To Your Mother Show and she blogs at The Kitchen Is Not My Office (www.thekitchenisnotmyoffice.com).

Created for Care

In two weeks, part of The Sparrow Fund team will be making their way to Buford, Georgia for Created for Care!  It’s a retreat for adoptive and foster mamas to get away to be encouraged and refreshed and we couldn’t be more excited!

The Sparrow Fund will have a table at the retreat with information about our grants and the training that we offer to adoptive families.  We will also be selling a variety of items from our etsy shop such as jewelry of handmade beads as well as animals stitched by hand by refugee women currently living in Kenya, women broken from war and HIV, caring for orphans in their community, but made whole together.

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Will you be there?  We would love to see you!