“Is it hard to love your three girls like your own?” asked an acquaintance last week. I have to admit that a million thoughts ran through my mind in the 10 seconds it took for me to answer her. I thought about the day my first adopted daughter was placed into my arms. When we looked into each others’ eyes, I was looking at a stranger. She did not look like my other children. She smelled, had snot dripping all over the place and dirt in crevices not meant to see dirt. But, they said she was mine.
Then, a year later, I was given Joy with strange behaviors caused by her life in an orphanage. Joy, the one who cried that first week whenever you moved her, the one our whole family thought had lifetime disabilities. But, again, she was mine.
Then came the biggie in 2010, adopting a 7 year old. How can I love this older child who obviously does not want anything to do with me? She screamed and ran when it was time to leave the Civil Affairs office. She tried bolting out the door of the hotel room when the orphanage worker left us. She moaned like a caged animal that first day. How could I love her like my own when she was already 7 years old and molded by other people? When the workers asked if she wanted me to be her mother she did not reply. She did not want to be my daughter, so how could I love her? Again, they told me she was mine.
Then, all the memories came to my mind, and I held them in my heart. There were many tears from both mother and daughters. There was/is so much guidance, correction, encouragement, love, discipline, hugs, kisses, cuddles, just like I give “my own.” So, I replied to the lady, “They are my own and, no, it is not hard to love them like ‘my own.’” Every last one of them.
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Cheri lives in Virginia with her husband, Mike, of 23 years. They have 3 biological children, ages 20, 16, and 11. After struggling with many pregnancy losses, they felt God was calling them to adopt a little girl from China. Upon returning home from their trip in 2006 to adopt Eva, they became more aware of the need of orphans. They traveled to China again in 2007 to adopt Joy. Always having the older children on her heart, but feeling incapable, Cheri felt an older child was in their future for adoption. In February 2010, Cheri traveled alone to Guangdong, China to adopt 7-year-old Ivy. Cheri started blogging to share her travels to China with friends and family but has also enjoyed sharing the ups and downs of adoption and family life.
That was so beautiful!
hmm, beautiful answer!
As I read I found myself remembering a woman I worked with saying she could never love a child that wasn’t “hers”. I thought how terribly sad for you. My husband of 27 years and I have been blessed by adoption for all our children. Amber now 23 was 8 when she arrived from Russia in our lives. And despite years of difficulties because of the extreme abuse and neglect early in life then institutionalization that caused post tramatic stress and severe RAD, she was ours and we weathered through and can celebrate her upcoming marriage and an ability to love we were told she’d never experience. My son, Cameron almost 17 who’s birthmom lived with us 5 1/2 months and he’s been ours since day one. He’s ours and couldn’t love him more. Hannah now 6 from China who’s been here 5 years, what a JOY she is and soon Lauren who’s 5 and still in Shanghai. She’s had a lot of medical issues and has spent her life in an orphanage so I don’t know what’s ahead. However how rich is life and what an abundance of love because of each. As you said, they ARE mine!!!!
Thanks for writing this Cheri! Your girls are beautiful!
I don’t have biological children so I couldn’t answer that question. But I can say for myself that love is stronger than DNA. Its amazing that people ask these questions, I feel like I am constantly educating people about adoption. BUT I prefer they ask these questions than always wonder or assume that we love our children differently. I also hope by responding the way you did, people will open their minds and hearts to the possiblity in their own lives.
Thank you for sharing this story.
Kenny kjovus