Each week seems to bring about a new surprise in the grief and attachment area. Pei seems to be grieving a bit this past week. No trigger, just a bit sad and far away.
It is in the midst of our after-dinner routine that Pei decides to have a meltdown. I really do not think much about it. She is two and occasionally will cry and call my name . . . repeatedly. So, I lean down and ask her what is wrong. And, that is when it happened. She pulled away from me while she was still calling momma.
OUCH!
At that point I realized it was her foster mom that she was calling for not me.
I would be lying if I said that it did not hurt a little bit, but it was like a lightbulb went on in my head. She has done so well with us that I really thought that she was moving past the grief.
But I was wrong.
Since we have been home from China, we have not shown her any photos of her foster family. I thought that we should wait a bit and let her settle in a bit more. So, after this, I decided it was time. I cannot even begin to imagine what is going on in her little mind and heart. The only momma that she has ever know and loved was there one day and gone the next.
So, the next day, I pull up a photo of Pei and her foster mom. I think I held my breath until I saw her reaction. She looked at it and smiled. So, I am thinking, “Okay, you can breath now!” I pointed at Pei and said “Who is that?” and she said “Pei Pei.” Next , I pointed to the foster momma and said “Who is that?” and she answered “Momma”.
[Insert a sigh ]
I have to say it felt like someone had kicked the air out of me. But, worse than that, my heart just broke for her.
So, then I pointed to my chest and said “Who am I?” At that very moment, that little girl came over to me and wrapped her arms around my legs and sweetly said “My Momma.”
[insert a really happy sigh]
So, there you have it. My beautiful daughter has three mommas.
She has her birth mother who held and loved her for 4 days before she picked a place to leave her where she knew she would be found.
Next, she has her foster mom in China who was not afraid to love Pei, knowing that she too would have to give her away. But, despite that, she loved and cared for her like her mother.
And last, she has me, her final and forever momma. I am the one who gets to reap the benefits and sacrifices of the first two mommas. I get the greatest gift of all – Pei as my forever daughter.
So, one day, when she asks about her life story, I will tell her that she was so special that God gave her three mommas to love her.
As we sat down for Thanksgiving dinner this year, I could not help but think back to last year. When we awoke on Thanksgiving day 2009, we received an email that we had received our preapproval for Pei. Along with that PA, we received some updated photos. I honestly was scared to death! It was so real at that point; we truly had found our little girl.
Now, that same little girl is sitting right beside me. I cannot help but watch her and think how last year, I could only dream about her. Now, she is sitting as close as she can possibly get to me, meowing like a baby kitty. I cannot help but feel so thankful that my baby girl is finally home.
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In 2008, we walked into an orphanage in Russia, and our lives were forever changed. The blessing that adoption has brought to our lives is amazing. As Ava spent her first birthday in a Russian hospital, a beautiful baby girl was born in China and destined to be our daughter. In August 2010, we became a family of six!