Heather Fallis, Author at The Sparrow Fund

October 20, 2014October 20, 2014

When Words Fail

As our China Team is returning from their fall trip to serve orphans, we wanted to share Heather’s reflections following her trip to China with the Sparrow Fund Team last spring.

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It’s been almost a week since I stepped off a plane back onto U.S. soil after being in China for 11 days. I planned on writing about my experience shortly after, but here I am, six days later, and I’m still struggling to find words to adequately describe the trip.

How do you accurately explain to people a journey that profoundly impacts the way that you see God and others?

How do you put into words what happens in your heart when you walk into a place expecting hopelessness and see God at work there?

How do you eloquently share the emotion you’ve experienced when you have looked into the eyes of an orphan whose story is a mystery and pray with faith that God has a divine destiny for them?

I could sit here and write about what we did while we were in China. I could tell you about what our days in the orphanage looked like. I could describe the children, their caregivers and the facility. I could give you the itinerary of our trip and tell you about the incredible sights we saw.

But now, in this moment when my heart is still raw and my mind is constantly drawn back to the orphanage, to their faces…

Instead of telling you what I did, I feel it’s much more important to try and share what God did in me.

I left for China with the desire to love orphans. I came home with the understanding that God was already there, loving them in a way I never could.

I left for China thinking we would bring hope to the hopeless. I came home knowing that, even in the most tragic of places, God’s spirit is there, hope in hand.

I left for China ready to be a light to the staff and caregivers at the orphanage. I came home having witnessed His light radiating through the beautiful people we met.

I left for China thinking God needed me to go and do something for Him. I came home realizing that God had already been at work there, and I was simply invited to come and be a part of it.

Our God is so incredibly big. He is at work in the far corners of the earth, His presence bringing hope and light and healing to the least of these. His hand is gentle and strong and is able to do mighty works on behalf of those who don’t even know His name. He is drawing people to Himself through His goodness and mercy. And when we step out in obedience, He gives us the incredible opportunity to be a part of that work.

It’s not about us. It’s not about what we can do. It’s not about good deeds or works or humanitarian efforts or anything based on human skill or emotion. Our lives should be spent- poured out, broken, completely used up- as we make ourselves available to God’s purposes. It’s never about us. It’s about finding where He is at work and joining in what He is doing.

For each of us, that will look different. For me, the Lord has opened my eyes to what He is doing in orphan care and adoption. He is setting the lonely in families, and I want to be a part of that. I love seeing His redemption and grace mercifully poured out through adoption. I have been a witness firsthand through the grafting in of our son to our family. I believe God is doing an incredible thing and I am willing to join in that work, in whatever capacity the Lord sees fit. I am His humble servant, He is Sovereign God.

Today, as I sit here in my comfortable house with the sounds of my three precious children in the background, my thoughts drift to those dark brown eyes, all 13 sets of them, that I looked into as I prayed and declared blessing and favor over them for 5 days. I am not hopeless, and not saddened for them, because I know that God has already been at work and will continue to move on behalf of these precious treasures that He calls by name. I cannot rescue them all, but I can be a part of what God is doing through prayer and advocating.

How do you describe what you’ve experienced when words fail you and tears are the only thing that come easy?

Just be still and know that HE IS GOD.

I’m waiting.

“Give justice to the poor and the orphan; uphold the rights of the oppressed and destitute.”

Psalms 82:3

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Heather and her husband Derick stay busy raising their two biological daughters and their son who came to their family from South Korea in 2012. They are youth pastors at their local church and Heather is a director of a private Christian preschool. When she is not working or spending time loving on her family, you can find her sharing coffee with friends, writing, making music, or getting creative [messy] in the kitchen. You can follow their family’s journey at Confessions of an Honest Mom and Our Heart-N-Seoul.

July 3, 2014June 28, 2014

Abandonment {Summer Rewind}

Abandonment.

Conscious or unconscious, it is a fear that plagues the adopted child.

Jesus is teaching me, gently and quietly, about this fear and how it takes shape in my own son. I don’t like to think about it, because I want to believe that my son knows he is safe, secure and loved. I don’t like the thought of him feeling afraid or insecure. But the reality is, his beautiful life’s story has a fear woven into it that I may never be able to truly comprehend. And I pray that someday the love of Jesus reaches deep within and heals its scars.

Sometimes I think people believe that when a child is adopted young, that they don’t remember. We think that they happily move from the arms of a grieving birth mother into the arms of a loving adoptive family and never know the difference. And we think that surely after they have been with their adoptive family for a while and seem happy and adjusted, everything must be just roses and butterflies.

My son’s tears tell me otherwise.

We have been incredibly blessed with a beautiful and smooth transition as our son entered our family from his foster family. He didn’t even cry when we took him from the adoption agency’s office back to our hotel. As a matter of fact, he fell asleep in my arms as we rode in the taxi, captivated by our dark-haired angel. At first, the nights were hardest. He would wake up multiple times, screaming and crying. But as time went on, the nights got easier and the days were full of laughter and joy.

He transitioned well into preschool, crying when I left him but stopping quickly after and enjoying the day with his classmates. Leaving him in the church nursery has gotten easier. He has stayed away from us overnight with grandparents. In most ways, he is a completely normal toddler- fully adjusted and secure.

But sometimes.

Sometimes I see the look of panic rise in his eyes when I begin to walk away, even just up the stairs in our home, that can only come from a deep place of hurt and fear. In those moments, he isn’t just a typical toddler wanting his mommy. He is a child who has been abandoned by all things familiar and safe and is overcome by fear of it happening again.

I’ll be honest. Sometimes it is exhausting.

There are days when it seems especially close to the surface and it doesn’t take much to set him off. Being a mom of three, I can’t always just drop everything and hold him. But I am learning that convenience is secondary to fulfilling the need my son has to know he is safe. Loved. Secure.

I know that as he grows, we will continue to deal with the scars left by his past. There may be emotions and situations that are hard to understand. But I am thankful for the grace of God that gives us wisdom and discernment in those situations. And I fully believe in the power of Jesus Christ that can transform a heart that has been abandoned into a heart that finds its complete security in Him. Because, after all, Jesus knows. He was abandoned too.

“About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, ‘Eli, Eli, lema sabacthani?’ (which means ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'” Matthew 27:46

Oh, beautiful Savior, that He would endure abandonment from God the Father, just so he could feel and understand the pain my son feels. Jesus knows.

If you are another adoptive parent dealing with the grief of your child, take heart! You are not alone. Jesus Himself understands the pain of your child and is able to give you the strength you need to love them through their pain.

Maybe you yourself have buried the fear of abandonment deep down inside of you from a past experience that sometimes takes shape in fear. Be encouraged today that Jesus understands. And He can heal that pain, remove the fear and replace it with the security of knowing you are His. Nothing can change that.

Today I am so very thankful for a Savior who loves my son so much more deeply than I could ever dream of.

And I wait in hopeful expectation of the day when my son realizes that he was never truly abandoned, but that His Heavenly Father was with him all along.

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September 20, 2013September 20, 2013

Abandonment

Abandonment.

Conscious or unconscious, it is a fear that plagues the adopted child.

My son’s tears tell me otherwise.

But sometimes.

I’ll be honest. Sometimes it is exhausting.

Today I am so very thankful for a Savior who loves my son so much more deeply than I could ever dream of.

And I wait in hopeful expectation of the day when my son realizes that he was never truly abandoned, but that His Heavenly Father was with him all along.

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March 6, 2013March 5, 2013

The Masterpiece

He has me wrapped around his little chubby finger.

Those eyes.

Those cheeks.

That smile.

I love to just stare at him and take in all the details of this amazing little creation. He is a masterpiece.

I was thinking the other day (as I often do) about his birth family. It thrills me that he is ours, but it makes me sad sometimes to think about what his birth family is missing out on. He is such a treasure, and it’s hard to believe that the people who made him don’t get to enjoy him each day.

But as I tried to comprehend the complexity of adoption, God gave me a small glimpse of what adoption really looks like. It’s not always about neglect, abandonment, or betrayal. Many times, it is really about LOVE.

Imagine a struggling artist. He works and toils to create beautiful imagery that captures the eye and touches the soul. In his small, dimly-lit apartment he covers a canvas with shades, colors and images that reflect the very core of his being. A piece of who he is is transferred into this work of art.

When it is completed, he is filled with awe at the beauty of his own creation. Yet he knows that his humble home is no place for a masterpiece such as this. There is a part of him that wishes to keep the painting for himself and be able to look at it as often as he wants. But he knows deep down that his painting is worthy of a grander display than what he can offer.

He calls museum curators and art critics to come and view his masterpiece. They are all struck with the raw emotion that is evident in the brushstrokes and lines of his painting. Many of them offer him a great price, but finally, he settles on one particular gentleman who seems to really grasp the meaning behind the work of art. It doesn’t even seem possible to put a price on the artist’s labor of love, but they finally agree on an amount and the gentleman covers the canvas and, smiling, walks away.

The artist watches the gentleman until he can’t see him anymore. Then he turns, heart heavy, and begins to clean up some remaining paints and rags that were left over from his work. He knows he has done the right thing. If he would have kept the painting, the conditions of his apartment would have taken their toll on its quality. Few would have been able to see and enjoy the beauty of his masterpiece. But where the painting was headed, it would be cared for, displayed and enjoyed the way that a true work of art should be.

He loved his creation enough to give it away.

Josiah is a masterpiece. He is someone’s creation. His features, personality, stature- everything about him is a reflection of the ones who made him. He was loved enough by those who made him that they wanted something better for him. They knew he was worthy of greater care than what they could provide. So selflessly, they chose to share their work of art with us. And what a humbling thought to be given such an incredible treasure.

I thank God every day that Josiah’s birth family chose to give him life. I am thankful that we are the ones that God chose to care for that life. I am thankful for the beautiful gift that is adoption.

And I am thankful that, because of the Master Artist, we are all a reflection of the love of our Creator.

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Heather Fallis is a wife, mother, preschool director, youth pastor, writer, musician and coffee addict. She and her husband have two biological daughters and recently adopted a son from South Korea. Heather has documented their miraculous adoption journey in hopes of inspiring and encouraging others who have dreams of adopting. You can read more at www.ourheart-n-seoul.com.

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Author: Heather Fallis

When Words Fail

Abandonment {Summer Rewind}

Abandonment

The Masterpiece