Erika Solgos, Author at The Sparrow Fund

July 10, 2011

Hair

Hair is a big deal.

To me personally, not so much. I am a pretty low maintenance gal. But, hair in the African-American world is a huge deal. That your daughter’s hair is well groomed and well styled signifies your care for her. If you would like to be better educated in the world of African hair care and the battle between natural hair and chemically processed hair, watch the hilarious documentary called Good Hair with Chris Rock. I got quite the education watching that one!

I think since the first day I met Therese, 6 months ago, and everyday since, she has made it clear that she wants to grow her hair and get it braided. Keep in mind that her hair was shaved almost to the scalp when we met. It needed to be at least a few inches long so that she could get her extensions put in. Everyday, multiple times a day, for the last 8-12 weeks, I have had to ooh and ahh over just how long her hair was getting. I actually think commenting on the length of Therese’s hair is her love language!

In seeking out ways that I can become closer to my daughter and enhance our attachment, I realize that if hair is a big deal to my daughter, it better be a big deal to me.

I have gone to the the ends of the earth to make my daughter’s good hair dreams come true. There is nothing this mama won’t do and that includes going outside my comfort zone and into a downtown park to get an estimate on my daughter’s hair. Oh yeah. I had to meet a hairstylist in a park! I met the woman’s cousin at a park who recommended her to me and then I had to meet the stylist herself at another park to get the estimate. That is me, breaking down cultural barriers, people.

Well, Therese’s dream came true!

That is one happy girl!

She sat still for 3 1/2 hours getting her hair done without one complaint or tear (and it hurts!).

As her mother, I am trying to help her walk the fine line of enjoying her beauty and knowing where true beauty comes from. She was loved no less in her “before” state. On the other hand, when you look good, your true beauty can shine through a little more clearly.

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Erika Solgos

Erika has been married to Casey for 11 crazy beautiful years. Erika is mom to two 10 year olds and two 6 year olds who aren’t twins! Therese (10), newly adopted from Burkina Faso, is awaiting heart surgery. Evelea (10) willingly gave up her position as oldest child so we could add Therese to our family. Sitota (6) was adopted from Ethiopia and brings a lot of fun to the family. Carter (6) has had six heart surgeries and gave us the courage to adopt a child with a heart defect. They are astounded that as our family doubled in size, our love quadrupled. You can learn more about their family on their blog.

May 31, 2011May 29, 2011

Big Talks

I’ve been wondering when it would happen. I think it is starting now. I think I have seen the very tippy top of the iceberg of Therese’s grieving.

Last night my sweet Therese poured forth story after story about her life in Yako. These were not pleasant stories. These are the rip your heart out, no child should have witnessed, or seen stories like this. Three hours worth of stories, and I got the impression there are so many more.

Therese told me that she is tired of feeling sad all the time (you would never know she feels sad at all from how she behaves). She knows that here, in America, we “talk talk talk and cry” when we are sad, but not in Yako. She said she wants to cry, but she “doesn’t can’t” (I love that phrase of hers!).

I reassured her that she will cry when she is ready. I told her that God gave us a way to get the sad out of our hearts, namely crying, and retelling our story. I told her that God will do amazingly wonderful things with those sad stories of hers.

Therese told me it is better to adopt a baby, because babies do not have so many sad stories as a girl who is ten. I told her that I wanted a 10-year-old girl, and I am here to listen to her stories. I find her stories, even the sad ones, to be precious. I treasure her stories, and I will help her remember the ones she wants to remember and to use the difficult ones for good. I want my 10-year-old girl, hard stories included, because she would not be Therese without those hard stories.

More importantly, I know a Savior who specializes in hard stories, and He redeems them all if you let Him. Therese knows Him too, and many of her stories include God saving her from harm or revealing something to her that helped her save some one else.

I admit I woke up this morning feeling a little sick and incredibly daunted by the task of raising this sweet girl with too many hard stories. Lord, can I do this? His answer to me was a gentle, “No, you can’t, but I CAN. Come to me and I will pour out wisdom straight from my heart.”

Okay, Lord, we will do this together. You lead. I will follow.

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Erika Solgos

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March 15, 2011March 14, 2011

The Pout

THE POUT has descended.

Are you an adoptive parent? Then you KNOW what I am talking about. I don’t think I’ve ever met an adoptive parent who has not encountered THE POUT.

For those of you unfamiliar with THE POUT, let me attempt to describe it.

What THE POUT looks like:

Child presents with mouth firmly shut with lower lip protruding. Often, arms are crossed. Head, may be down on tabletop or cocked to the side. Eyes emitting either look of death at parent, or oddly vacant with zero eye contact. In younger children, tummy may be pushed forward. In tween, hands on hips, hips forward, or arms crossed, hips forward. Feet are firmly planted to the floor.

Origin:

Child’s expectation of how adoptive parent should or should not respond to their desire (desire may be spoken or unspoken) has not been met in part, or in full.

What THE POUT is meant to communicate:

You brought me all the way from _________ (fill in country of origin) for THIS?

Psychological effect on the adoptive parent:

Irritability, helplessness, loss of rationality. THE POUT may cause all prior adoption training to go out the window.

Suggested Treatment:

During seasons of chronic POUTing, primary caregiver must take regular breaks for times of refreshment with whatever fills you up (i.e., coffee with friends, exercise, Bible study). It also helps if you can find the humor in the midst of a particularly potent POUT. Find a friend who knows the POUT and can talk you down. You may not want to hear this, but if you take the time to find out what is fueling THE POUT, you will, in time, eliminate THE POUT. Remember, there is more to THE POUT than meets the eye. It represents something- grief, loss of control, fear, etc. Good news- THE POUT is NOT fatal to child or parent (though at times it feels like it might be!).

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Erika Solgos

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Author: Erika Solgos

Hair

Big Talks

The Pout