Becca Whitson, Author at The Sparrow Fund

On August 12, 2014, we officially became a family of five.

The adoption of our daughter, Kariah Whitson, was finalized by a kind judge who has adopted two children as well.

I can’t put into words the feelings of the last nine months, but my husband Matt and I have written plenty about it already. What I haven’t written about is the journey to get to her. It was years in the making.

Excerpts from my prayer journal

April 2, 2009 (less than a week after Kariah was born): Lord, you know what I’ve been struggling with over the last couple of weeks. I need clarity please. I feel like we’re good parents, and you’ve blessed us so much. I feel like we should share that. Having four kids scares me to death. What if I don’t have enough time or patience to give them all the attention they need? Transracial adoption scares me too. What if we don’t know how to do that well? … I have so many questions. I trust you, God. I will not live in fear. If this is your will, you will provide the money. You will give us the patience and wisdom to raise them well. You’ll give us everything we need if this is your will for our family.

September 19, 2009: I’m so scared about adding more children. I love our family as it is, and I like having two. But more than that, I want your will for our family. You alone know what our family is supposed to be and how it should be formed. And if it’s what you want for our family, please place that on Matt’s heart as well.

November 3, 2009: It’s so hard for me to rest in this, not knowing what it means or how or when. I am trying to take my will out of it completely, and just be open to what you have for us. I want what you want. I want to not have the kids be really far apart, but you know what’s best. I don’t want to start over in 5 years, but you know the plan. I just want to play my part in it.

December 22, 2009: Thank you for the confirmation this morning. I am ready to adopt again. I want what you want for our family, even if it’s hard and requires sacrifice. I also want your timing, so I will continue to wait on Matt to be ready and feel like it’s the right time.

September 13, 2010 (after two potential adoptions fell through): If adoption is not what you have for us, please help me see that. Give me peace to close the door and move on emotionally. I want to be obedient, Lord, but I don’t know what you are saying. I don’t know why you’ve led us down the path you have, but I don’t have to understand.

March 28, 2011: I’ve been avoiding you, I’m sure you noticed. I don’t want to talk about the baby thing. I’m tired of talking about it, feeling confused, getting frustrated, and repeating that process. Nothing is changing. I can think it to death all day, but it comes down to me not understanding what happened two years ago when I felt so clearly that you were calling us to adopt again.

October 22, 2013: I’m not sure what to say right now. Here we are again with another adoption situation in our path. How many times are we going to do this? Please make your will clear to us. And for this sweet little 4-year-old girl, Kariah, please prepare her little heart for the changes she’s about to endure. Open her heart for her new family that she can attach and bond quickly. Comfort her in her inevitable grief. Give wisdom to her new family that they can love her well and support her in her grief and transition. And Lord, if she is to be our daughter, prepare us, prepare the boys, and give us peace and joy in the process.

October 23, 2013: Can we just talk about Kariah today? I’m feeling the weight of that more each day. Are we prepared to raise an African American girl? And a very wounded one at that? If this is your plan, equip us for that. If she needs to go to another family, prepare my heart. I’m tired of being disappointed. I’m tired of adoption situations coming before us constantly, especially considering our conversations about adoption 4 years ago and my confusion ever since. I keep waiting for it to make sense, but it doesn’t.

—

One month later, Riah was home with us, and it all started making sense. God did indeed change Matt’s heart. The man who wasn’t interested in adoption said he felt something change the moment he saw her picture. And when we met her for the first time, we both knew she would be ours. I wish I could say my faith never wavered, but I can’t. For four-and-a-half years, my faith and doubts danced together. You may have noticed that I often referred to four kids in my prayers. That’s because I kept thinking there would be two, and I still haven’t ruled that fourth one out. But I’ll just let God work and see what happens.

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Matt and Becca write about marriage, parenting, and life through the lens of a married couple, parenting team, and pastor and professional counselor. They share hope and restoration by giving a glimpse into their lives- the failures, the successes, and the brokenness and beauty of everyday. You can read more of their writing at WhitsonLife.

Adoption is a topic close to my heart. My husband, Matt, and I adopted our twoyoungest children. After having our oldest son, we were not able to have morebiological kids due to a rare medical issue I didn’t even know I had. We adopted ouryounger son as an infant and are still waiting to go to court to finalize the adoptionof our daughter, who came home in November at age four. Their stories are here

and here.

In our seven years as part of the adoption community, we’ve noticed some common

misconceptions. I want to help clear some things up for you, especially if you’re

considering adoption for your family.

What Adoption Won’t Do:

Erase the pain of infertility. We tried for longer than I would have liked to have

our son, and I distinctly remember the grief that came every month. I didn’t expect

the same kind of pain with secondary infertility (after all, at least I already had one

baby, right?), but there it was. It turns out that having a child (or more than one)

doesn’t make infertility any easier. Our biological son is now nine, and I still grieve

the loss of the ability to conceive, carry, and deliver another child. Our two adopted

children bring such joy to our lives, but they do not erase the pain of infertility and

cannot be expected to. If you are considering adoption after infertility, please give

yourself time to really experience and grieve your loss before adopting.

Make you a savior. If you are going into adoption with the idea that you’ll ride in

on a white horse to rescue a child who will in turn be appreciative and loving, you’re

setting yourself up for disappointment. No matter the age of the child being adopted,

you are not their rescuer. God is. When you reverse those roles, you will set the

stage for resentment and an unhealthy dynamic. God is the only one who rescues. If

He calls you to adopt, let Him do the rescuing. The best thing you can do is to obey

and thank Him for letting you play a part in that child’s life.

Allow you to parent the same way you parent your biological kids. Adoption

is born out of loss. The birth family and child have all experienced deep loss, and

the adoptive family has often had their own losses as well. Adoptive parenting has

to be different from parenting our biological kids because of the child’s history.

Whether infant or older child adoption, the loss of their birth family plays a role in

their development, attachment, self-concept, and relationships. We can love our

children the same regardless of how they joined our family, but we need to parent

them differently.

Make your marriage better. Whether you’ve endured years of infertility or are

adopting because it’s what God has put on your heart, adoption will not make

your marriage better. It’s easy to think “if only we had a baby, things would be

better.” No more hormones, no more monthly disappointments, no more doctor’s

appointments. Or maybe for you, it seems like your marriage was so much better

when you were both focused on your babies; and now that they’re older, things are

more difficult again. Whatever the case, adoption is difficult and adds stress to a

marriage and family. It doesn’t “fix” anything.

Make your life easier. This one is probably obvious. Adoption, when done with

intentionality, is hard. And that doesn’t end when the baby or child is in your arms.

That’s only the beginning. Adoption is heart-wrenching and overwhelming at

times. I’ve sat with our six-year-old son while he wept over not knowing his birth

family and not being able to fully understand why he was placed for adoption. Our

daughter has wounds only God can heal. She has emotional triggers that we may

never know the root of. And we grieve too because we didn’t see her first steps or

hear her first words. We didn’t get to rock her to sleep or soothe her when she cried.

Whatever the circumstances, adoption is hard for everyone involved.

But what adoption does is more powerful than anything it doesn’t do.

Adoption has brought our family together in a way only God could orchestrate.

His hand has been evident in every step. He literally provided a father for our two

fatherless children, and is the Heavenly Father for us all. We will forever be grateful

for the gift of all three of our children and on our knees with humility that we have

the honor of parenting them.

Adoption has given us a glimpse into God’s grace like nothing else could.

The grace I show my children when they act out is only a tiny shadow of the Grace I’ve received(and continue to need daily). The financial and emotional cost of adopting ourchildren is nothing compared to the cost of my own adoption by God. In order forme to become His daughter, God sacrificed His only Son.Adoption has revealed God’s love for us like we hadn’t seen before. When we look at

our adopted children with the same love we have for the one who shares our genes,

we grasp a little bit more the love God has for us. When He looks at me, He doesn’t

see second-best. He sees His daughter.

Adoption is hard. But it’s worth it.

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Becca Whitson writes with her husband Matt at WhitsonLife.com. They write about marriage, parenting, and life through the lens of a married couple, parenting team, and pastor and professional counselor. Their desire is to provide hope and restoration by giving you a glimpse into their lives- the failures, the successes, and the brokenness and beauty of everyday.

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Author: Becca Whitson

Years in the Making

What Adoption Won’t Do