Attachment Archives - Page 9 of 17

October 31, 2012October 31, 2012

My Love/Hate Relationship with Adoption

I feel like an emotional ping pong ball lately. I am ecstatic at how well the big kids are doing but cry often when the weight of what they’ve endured to get here comes crashing down. And so it goes. Extreme joy to debilitating grief.

I hate when a language gap the size of the Grand Canyon is between meeting my kids’ needs and me. I love that so many things in this life transcend language.

I love when they tell stories from their past that tell about what they love and who they are. For example, our son used to own a small flock of homing pigeons. I hate when they tell stories of their past that drip of anguish and pain no person let alone child should ever experience.

I love the diversity and culture in our family. It is helping to shape our kids into compassionate, sensitive, and adventurous kids who handle race issues better than most adults we encounter. I hate that we have a cross cultural family because our kids’ birth countries weren’t equipped to care for them. I hate that their culture slips away a little more each day unless we play an active role in re-capturing it every day.

I hate that we have kids who have suffered emotional trauma which forever and completely changes their perception of the world. I love that we’ve been stretched where parenting is concerned. We’re so much the wiser for our troubles and have been able to use our experience to come along other families as they adventure through adoption.

I love watching them experience new things with the wonder of a toddler but hate thinking about how much they’ve missed.

I love hearing them chatter as they catch up with friends using the latest video chat technology. I hate that video chat is the best we can do socially right now because social situations will be the last and most difficult thing to overcome.

I love that every time we adopt our diet expands. I hate that food can be so alienating. Thank goodness for berbere!

So goes our adoption adventure right now.

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Patrick and Melissa, who was adopted from Korea as an infant, have two biological children, a son adopted at age 2 1/2 from Korea, and 3 big kids from Ethiopia (adopted at 12 to 14 years of age). They reside in Maryland where they started a ministry called Grafted Families. Its goal is to serve Gospel-centered churches as they care for orphans and vulnerable children. Melissa also has a photography business that specializes in adoption homecoming and foster family photography. You can get to know Melissa better on her personal blog and Patrick on his personal blog.

October 25, 2012October 24, 2012

Just like it but different

I sat on the footstool in the middle of the dark garage bawling my eyes out. Exhausted, obviously emotional and the proud new mother of a four year old. I had dreamed of this season of life for years, and after months of paperwork, I should have been over the moon.

I was….but so much more.

I had a good silent cry and was considering the half gallon of cookie dough ice cream in our freezer. On the way to the freezer my dear hubby said a few words that jolted me.

“You felt just like this when the other two were infants. It is just like having a newborn.”

Those two simple sentences helped me so much. I just needed to label it. I was exhausted from being up in the night with a child who was trying to adjust to a new home and a new family. It was like fighting a world war to get the sweet girl to sleep and then we threatened everyone within miles who might make noise. We were trying to figure out how much she ate, what she wanted to eat and when. I never knew when she would cry and I was learning how to soothe her. Just like having an infant.

Like my dad used to joke….just like it but different.

(Besides no diapers!) The major difference was the lack of grace extended.

When you have a newborn everyone bends over backwards to help. They peek at your screaming bundle, smile, and call him cute. You are expected to get up in the middle of church. You are called a good mom when you stand at the nursery door to “check one more time that he is okay.” Even the dark circles under my eyes and the few extra pounds from late night ice cream snacks were accepted.

Somehow when the same things were happening with my new daughter….the grace wasn’t extended. No smiles when our new daughter was having a meltdown at the library and I had no idea what to do. And I certainly wasn’t showing myself grace as I wept in the garage. ”What was wrong with me? How could I be so tired and so emotional?” I moaned as I went for my comfort snack.

Heading into our second adoption I joked that it was like a paper pregnancy. Here is the other side of the story. It takes your body some time to bounce back after that paper-pregnancy. Okay, okay this might be extending the metaphor a bit too far, but hang in there with me! I am in the midst of an emotional adjustment.

Kinda cool actually.

I love that I am going through this adjustment right alongside of them. They are not alone. I am in this messy transition too.

What helps when my two year old is pitching the tantrum of the century in the grocery store parking lot because he doesn’t like the car seat? As I am getting the stink eye from the whole town who seem to be at the store at that blessed moment – I remember that he is only 6 weeks old. He has the family age of 6 weeks….he is learning that I will meet his needs just like I am learning that shopping right after nap times doesn’t seem to work well. We are learning together.

Give us a few more weeks. The bags under my eyes should be gone and we will shop with more confidence. Until then – I need to go sleep when the toddler sleeps.

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Tammy has an amazing husband and four fantastic kiddos who keep her hopping. She counts it a blessing to have such a family and is burdened by those in the world who don”t. After living in China for several years and volunteering as an art teacher in a local orphanage, she is changed. She learned that orphans in China are normal, sweet, loving children who are hoping, wishing and praying for a family to call their own. She couldn”t adopt all of her students so she is on a mission to tell others about the joys of adoption. Check out her blog Casting A Stone.

October 19, 2012October 18, 2012

Change

There is nothing

absolutely

nothing better than tucking your children in at night and seeing them sleep in complete peace

all the while remembering

hundreds of nights you tucked them in

and they were

October 5, 2012October 4, 2012

Attachment and Bare Feet: 6 Months Home

I love little bare feet.

Our youngest son William has been home from Ethiopia for six months now, and he continues to make great strides in his attachment process. A while back I posted Sweet Little Breakthrough about how he had started doing little things that seem like no big deal with our bio kids, but mean the world with kiddos who have been adopted at an older age (holding my hand without protest, for instance). In that same vein, the picture above represents so much more than than cute little piggy toes (and chipped nail polish).

When William came home, one of the first things we noticed was that he was obsessed with being fully dressed. First thing in the morning he would go into his closet, pick out his clothes, and get dressed all the way down to his socks and shoes. It was adorable.

It was also an institutional behavior.

I don

August 8, 2012

A Word on the Backwards and Beautiful Journey to Adopt My Son

It is I who dwell in the womb this time

rather than he

Formed, already, in the depths
he has passed into light

So instead, I go there
to be formed, molded, and shaped
into the thing I am becoming:
Mother.

I hear the pulsing
heartbeat
of time
I know I am moving forward
closer to the day of my birth

I feel pressure
The world constricts around me
tighter
tighter
my own heart slows
I fear that I can hardly breathe

Then
the pressure ceases
I dwell in hope
and comfort for a while

The rhythm cotinues,
contraction
relief
contraction
relief

I am angry
I am hopeful
I am worried
I am relieved

I pray for delivery
from this vague and murky waiting place
I pray for delivery into clarity, into light
into his arms
into his heart
to see his face

This is a backwards, beautiful journey:

My son,
he
is birthing
me.

________________________________________

Jillian Burden is an expectant mama; she and her husband are expecting their first child by way of a Russian adoption. While her belly might not be expanding, her heart and her faith sure are growing! You can read about this soul stretching journey to parenthood on her blog

August 6, 2012August 6, 2012

The Daily Choice

Some days, I stumble upon a scene like this one and it makes my heart overflow.

I realize it looks like nothing special, but I assure you it is.

June has decided that it is her job to help Kate learn/review/know her letters before she starts preschool this fall. And Kate is actually not only okay with this set up, but tries harder and does better for June than for either of her parents.

So when I came downstairs today and found June and Kate having school in the living room I stopped to soak it all in.

You see, 2 years ago these two barely liked being in the same room together. Forced to share attention, clothes, toys, and space, neither of them liked it all that much.

Then, a year ago something changed, and they decided that maybe just maybe the other wasn”t so bad, and a friendship was born.

This year, we have witnessed this relationship blossom into sisterhood, and it”s a sweet sweet thing. Spontaneous hugs and kisses, laughter, and joy. Their relationship is a beautiful picture of what adoption means.

The feelings that come with adoption are not instant. It”s a daily decision to love. A daily decision to grant grace. A daily decision to forgive. A daily decision to teach. A daily decision to have patience. Each day, every day, you make the choice to accept, love, and cherish. And you have to decide. It is an actual choice. And while in the adoption community, we like to believe that this choice is the parents” choice, it”s not just about the parents. It”s the choice of the sister who was already here. The one who has to share her toys, her room, her clothes, her parents. It”s a choice for her to love daily, forgive daily, and accept a new person for who they are daily. It”s a process and I am humbled that the Lord has so blessed me with not only the opportunity to be in the process, but to witness it between my girls.

It is said that adoption is a beautiful thing. I agree, but I would like to add that adoption creates beautiful things. In witnessing this with my Littles I have a greater understanding of what my adoption into the Lord”s family means for me. When looking at the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, kindness, self control) I can see that they are a result of my adoption by Christ. These are not natural tendencies, but ones created within me daily as I walk, talk, and live with my new family, my adoptive family.

And it is in this realization that my heart fills to capacity as I watch June hold up flash cards for Kate, and hear Kate say “J like June!” with the enthusiasm of child who is no longer a stranger sharing toys, but a sister who is loved and cherished.

___________________________________

Ashley is the Outreach Coordinator for Voice of the Orphan adoption agency. She also serves adoptive families through The Sparrow Fund. She has been married for 13 years to her husband Mike, who has the power to make her laugh until her sides hurt no matter what is happening. They have three miracle girls, the youngest (by only six months) joined their family from China the summer of 2010. You can check out their adoption journey and musings on life as they know it on her blog.

August 3, 2012August 2, 2012

He’s Mine

When we brought Eddie home, I wasn’t sure what it would be like. I loved him, that was sure, but I questioned if our bond would be like the one I had with Lute. I thought about him as our “adopted son” every single day. Many times. Add into that the fact that I was half way through my pregnancy with George, and I was not only thinking about my connection with him, but with the other baby soon joining us.

In the four and a half months between Eddie and George’s birth, I poured myself into him. And then when George came, Nick took over almost entirely. He was Nick’s boy and their bond grew quickly and deeply as I adjusted to becoming a mother of three, trying to find a balance between all my boys, while mostly being pulled to the newborn that depended on me for his every need. I loved Eddie, snuggled him and fed him, but I still thought of him as the adopted boy. I thought of his birthmother all the time and wondered what how often she thought of us. Of her son.

When Eddie and George became mobile, that’s when things got hard. Here I was with two toddler boys and a preschooler and I was always tired, exasperated, unsure of how to handle them, keep them safe… I was overwhelmed. I couldn’t imagine my life without any of my boys, but I also wondered if we were a little crazy with our spacing. I was wondering less frequently about his birthmother, started to fall into a more natural routine, and my bond with Eddie came together in invisible ways that cemented us together.

Eddie was always Dada’s boy. He followed Nick everywhere, did everything with him, and I knew it was because of their early bond. But then something shifted. It only happened a few months ago, but Eddie suddenly was a mama’s boy through and through. Where I was, he wanted to be. When he woke up in the morning, he wasn’t satisfied to have his milk with his daddy and go back to bed… he had to have a snuggle with Mama first. He wants to know where I am at all times, is content to play near me while I make dinner, and doesn’t want me to leave him anywhere. It is mostly heart burstingly lovely and just occasionally a little inconvenient.

When I hold him, read to him, put him to bed, get him ready for the day, help him with his food, push him on his bike, brush his teeth, tie his shoes, correct him, protect him, console him, laugh with him, dance with him, hold his hand… he is mine. Completely and totally and in a way that makes my heart explode with love and gratitude for the crazy gift he is to me. To us. To our family. I don’t think “adopted” anymore. I mean, he is, obviously, but his heart is fused with mine now and forever. I hope it is always the same for him.

Is my bond with him the same as mine with Lute? No. And my bond with George isn’t either. My boys are vastly different. Each holds my heart in a different way, but completely and fully. I don’t think it has anything to do with being biological or adopted, but it’s just the way it is when you have more than one kid. You love them all differently but equally.

Words can’t express it. But I know that God designed our family the way that it is… and as I allow Him, he keeps giving my heart a greater capacity for love… for tenderness and joy and…cuteness. I am so grateful that this is my life.

August 1, 2012July 31, 2012

Excuse me while I talk to myself

You are the big person. He is the little person.

He takes cues from you because you are the big person.

Although biology would say he is 5 1/2, he is more like 3 1/2. If you remember that every minute, you will all be happier.

June 25, 2012June 23, 2012

Whose RAD is it, anyway?

Over the last couple of months, I’ve spent some time with a few psychologists doing basic routine assessments for a few of my kids.

One meeting included me having a serious discussion on the developmental aspects of my Chinese adoptee with only one loopy dangley earring. The other ear: naked. Call me a crazy homeschooling mother of many.

The other psychologist? She was not impressed with our less than “typical” lifestyle with under the breath comments like, “That’s a passel of kids. You certainly have your hands full” and “So, your child doesn’t have any friends because you never socialize with other kids” after I relayed the multitude of activities we participate in on a weekly basis. Swallow hard, carry on.

When your kids come to you at 8 years, or 5 years, or 5 weeks old for that matter, a lot has happened in their lives. More than we will ever know, and it is advantageous to gather as much information in every possible way.

Being informed helps us.

understand the past,
deal with the present,
plan for the future.

As I was talking to the psychologist about my child, she had the nerve to suggest that during a particularly prickly stage with my child, the bonding and attachment was compromised. Not the child’s. Mine. Ouch. I took that nugget home to think about with my tail between my legs.

Yes, she actually said I have attachment issues.

Time for [Insert deep announcer’s voice]…confessions of an adoptive mom:

I love my children. I really do.

Yet, sometimes, there is one that is very hard to like.

All that history that I wasn’t part of?

It gets in the way.

Of my understanding. It disrupts my compassion.

And the truth of it all?

God has given me a vehicle for growth.

A way to learn more about how Jesus loved the unlovable.

And, He did exactly that in the best possible way.

_______________________________________

Jennifer Peterson is wife to one faithful man and mom of 9. After the first three came along, they became foster parents and adopted 5 kids including 2 sets of siblings. Jennifer and her husband Bob are currently in China to adopt an 8-year-old boy with a heart condition who has been waiting a long time for his forever family. Join the journey here as they ponder how and where God will stretch them next.

June 20, 2012June 12, 2012

She is not an orphan

I’ve always been a “suck it up” kind of person but when Jaydn came along I made a huge effort to be a real softy even though it hurt, a lot, and I got really worn out. As time has distanced us from her past I made a shift and had expected others to follow along. Jaydn has a family, a loving home and all that a child needs to thrive now. Yet for some reason people still act as if they need to give her extra attention or allow certain behaviors they would never normally be okay with because, well, you know, she’s…

I know I sound like a crazy woman but think about it: if you are lighting up like a Christmas tree at the sight of my youngest daughter but hardly notice my other two, why is that?! If you let Jaydn climb all over you while you sit on the couch trying to exchange a sentence with me but would be annoyed if anyone else’s 3 year old mistook you for a jungle gym, why the sudden acceptance of such behavior? If you are asking for a hug from Jaydn and not the other two kids standing in front of you, how might that make them as spectators feel?

I whole-heartedly believe that no one comes into our home or interacts with our family with this mindset intentionally but allow me to explain a few of the results for us as a family.

1. Attachment with Jaydn has been opposite than most cases you hear about. She goes to where the attention is. So anytime you make her stand out and into the spot light against her siblings, she would rather walk off with you than stay around me, her mom who has to share attention equally. Of course we make moments where each child is celebrated individually but its intentional and purposeful for the sake of ALL our children.

2. My other kids see people draw Jaydn out from our family and it causes some tension that often results in increased control of their baby sister at home. Almost like an “everyone else may think you need more attention but I will put you in your place” attitude. I watch those two as they see the focus shift to Jaydn so often in public and it breaks my heart.

3. Ultimately it is no ones job to bring healing to our daughter’s past but God, through us her parents. We are called to give her the needed attention and extra effort that she needs. Until she has established a bond to us and us to her, this act of meeting her needs can only come from Nathan and I.

I am not asking for people to ignore Jaydn, just to consider and acknowledge if there is a draw to Jaydn more than other kids and if so, ask why. If it is for any other reason than she and you click in personality, then please attempt to balance out the attention. It does more harm than good to our family to show favortism to our youngest child because of her past rather than calling her into her present and future that is so full of love from those of us in her home.

Maybe this is my slant in personality but I expect Jaydn to grow in her home environment. I really must stress to the world that JAYDN ISN’T AN ORPHAN. She is my daughter and the more we all treat her based on her past instead of her present, the harder it is for her to move away the manipulation and attention seeking nature that she used before coming home. Our desire as a family is to teach her healthy social interaction for her age, the art of meeting a stranger, a respect for personal space, attachment to family members, how to take time to get to know someone new before you introduce physical touch etc. All of these things take effort on our behalf and understanding from those around us.

I have seen some major steps forward in Jaydn regarding this stuff when others interact with her in a healthy way. We were at a large gathering and someone came up and said hello to Jay without reaching for her at all. She didn’t respond until the person said their name. Then she turned to me and said, “I don’t know (insert name).” I said, “You are right Jaydn! You don’t know (insert name). Would you like to meet her?” Then she turned around and shook hands with the person while exchanging names and then she ran off. I was so proud.

In another instance someone asked Jadyn for a hug and she turned to me with a look that basically asked if it was ok. While I would have preferred this person not to have asked, I wanted to encourage the response from Jaydn and said it was ok. When she tried to stay with this person I had to gently remove her and gave her a hug of my own.

So you can see that progress is possible if we work together to create a healthy environment for every child. Regardless of how well you know someone, help us teach children healthy interactions by following a parent’s lead and trusting that we know what is best for our kids based on their personality, not their past.

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I have been married for over 9 years to a worship pastor/ a rock star/most involved and intentional dad I have ever seen! Together, we have the privilege of parenting three amazing children (Jaxon- 7, Jovie- 4, and Jaydn 3) and another is on the way! Jaydn came to us by way of adoption from Uganda, Africa. I enjoy photography, adventure recreation, and teaching high-school students about Jesus.

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Category: Attachment