The other day, Gracie—my 3-year-old—pointed to the top of her hand and said, “I’m the color of chocolate cake, but my family’s the color of this…” She turned her hand over and touched her palm. “How does that make you feel?” Kristin asked. Gracie touched her fingers to the sides of her eyes and pantomimed tears running down her face.

Kristin expressed sympathy and Gracie moved on to the next thing, but the image of her palm and of her sad mime tears had burned into my memory. I felt I had utterly failed as an adoptive parent. We’ve talked a lot about color in our home. We’ve read books, talked about color in terms of flavor, and discussed (sometimes at length) what flavors and colors and shades of brown each of is. But, this was the first time my adopted daughter expressed sadness because her skin was a different color.

At first, I was troubled. I felt a bit intimidated by the comment. I wasn’t sure how we should respond. I was also a little hurt. We’ve done a lot of work over the past several months to build a stronger connection with Gracie. I interpreted her comment as a failure on my part and that stung. Honestly, I was kind of scared too. In the 2 seconds it took to drag her fingers down her cheek, my little girl exposed an ocean of grief and confusion I feel unequipped to help her navigate.

Slowly, my sadness turned to gladness. Hearing my daughter express these feelings is a good thing simply because she’s expressing them. Sometimes, I forget that. At the young age of 3, she’s already processing complex emotions and trying to make sense of the differences she notices between herself, her sisters, and the rest of her family. If her mom and I are too timid, hurt, or scared to listen and dialog, it’s then that we fail her.

I feel sad when my daughter says she feels different from her family. I’m sad that she longs for a fuller sense of belonging. But, I’m really glad she feels like she can tell me about it. I want for her to always, always, always tell me about it.

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Matt and Kristin have three girls–Jaimes, Sevyn Grace, and Davy. Gracie came home at 1-year-old in March 2008. They were foster parents for two other children before adopting her. They loved it and plan to foster again some day. Matt and Kristin are on the leadership team for FAM, the Foster Care & Adoption Ministry at The Village Church in Highland Village, TX, whose mission is to provide resources and community for people connected to foster care and adoption. He works as a web designer for Captura. You can read more from him over at Adoptive Dads.

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The Bring Me Hope Giveaway winners were randomly chosen and are the following three readers….

From a Full Heart… has won a copy of Hannah”s Story DVD, a Sound Delivery CD, and the novel These Three!