High Fives + Fist Bumps

I remember her well. My 1st-grade self loved her big smile and her early 80s perm. Everyday, she’d stand by the classroom door at the end of the day and hug each of us as we ran to our grownup. I was excited to go to school everyday because of her and those hugs I could count on. 

Touch is powerful. It makes neurons fire in our brain like the fourth of July. Touch is a remarkable tool to build relationship and connection. And, it’s something our children who have experienced hard things often have a hard time with. Some kids can’t get enough of it; some kids struggle to receive it at all. And when they struggle with giving and receiving touch one way or the other, we as parents often struggle along with them.

When our kids are small, we can hold them, literally “wear” them, sleep side-by-side, and guard moments of physical closeness to best build trust and connection. As small kids grow bigger, our strategies to help them give and receive appropriate physical touch have to grow with them. One way we can support our children in this area is to communicate clearly with other grownups who spend time with them how they can support our child and us. 

Here are two examples. The first is a message parents of a child who seeks hugs and kisses could share with their child’s teacher. The second is a message parents of a child who resists giving and receiving affection could share with their child’s teacher. May they encourage and inspire you to communicate to the grownups around your family what your child and family needs. 

Regarding a Child Who Seeks Physical Affection

Dear Mrs. Reid,

We’ve enjoyed all that Jenny has been sharing with us about her experiences at school so far. While the transition back to school hasn’t been all rainbows and unicorns, we’re encouraged by how well she (and we!) are doing. 

Jenny has learned strategies to get what she needs. One of those strategies is through physical affection. It makes sense to us. Grownups typically respond readily to children when they put their arms up and when they want hugs or  kisses. It works. We’ve been working hard to teach her better strategies than using physical affection to get what she needs.  

At home, we communicate to her that we are always available and willing to give hugs and kisses but if there’s something she needs, she can use words and simply ask for it. We say things like, “You know, if you need something, all you have to do is ask!” Another thing we have been working on teaching her is that hugs and kisses are for family, and high fives and fist bumps are for everyone else. She is still learning appropriate boundaries. It would be really helpful to us if you reinforce that same message at school. 

We are excited to experience all the ways she will learn and grow this year. And, we’re so glad to have you part of that. 

Genuinely, —-


Regarding a Child Who Struggles to Give and Receive Physical Affection

Dear Mrs. Reid,

We’ve enjoyed all that Jenny has been sharing with us about her experiences at school so far. While the transition back to school hasn’t been all rainbows and unicorns, we’re encouraged by how well she (and we!) are doing. 

Jenny has learned strategies to protect herself and lower stress. One of those strategies is avoiding giving and receiving physical affection. It makes sense to us. Physical touch often makes her feel vulnerable and, therefore, threatened. As her parents, we’ve been working hard to help her feel safe with us and intentionally practice giving and receiving touch, hugs, and kisses in safe and healthy ways so that she can experience them differently. We’ve also been very careful to guard that closeness, intentionally reserving physical affection to family only. We tell her that hugs and kisses are for family; high fives and fist bumps are for everyone else. It would be really helpful to us if you reinforce that same message at school. 

We are excited to experience all the ways she will learn and grow this year. And, we’re so glad to have you part of that. 

Genuinely, —-

Explaining attachment to my child

Edited from the original written in 2018 with her 9-year-old daughter in mind.


Parents talk about a lot of things with other parents; you know that. We talk while we drink coffee together; we talk on the phone; we talk back and forth on Facebook; we text, text, text—believe it or not, all of that can help us help each other learn how to be better parents. And, that’s a good thing, because we really do want to be better parents. 

One of those things parents who have kids they adopted talk a lot about is something called attachment. It’s kind of a big word that refers to big things. And, big words that mean big things are often hard for us parents to explain to our kids. 

But, you know what? I think we should try to explain it to you anyway. After all, you are the one who makes it important to us. 

Try to imagine a baby… what do babies need? There are so many things, right?

Milk.
Food.
A blanket to keep them warm.
Some place safe to sleep.
Clothes.
Medicine when they are sick.
Diapers… and diaper changes! 

Of all those things, what do they need most of all? A grown up! They can’t get any of those things they need by themselves. What do babies do when they need something? They cry. Crying is how babies say, “I need something! I need something! Something’s not just right.” And when a baby cries, a good mom or dad saves the day and brings a bottle of milk or a cozy blanket and then the baby is calm again. 

Babies cry for milk when they are hungry or for a blanket when they are cold, but they cry about other things too. They might cry when there are crashes of thunder or when they see something for the first time and don’t know what it is and wonder if they are safe. They might cry when they feel lonely inside and just want to be held. After all, babies shouldn’t be alone. Every time they cry, it’s like they are saying, “Mama! Daddy! I need you! I don’t want to be alone! Make me feel better!” And when a baby cries, a good mom or dad saves the day and holds their baby tight and whispers in her ear, “It’s okay. You’re safe. I will take care of you.” 

Crying then fixing.
Crying then helping.
Crying then making everything better.

Do you see that pattern? How many times do you think that pattern may happen every day for a baby? 5 times a day? 10 times a day? Try hundreds of times a day! So, so many times! When that pattern happens over and over again every day, a baby learns some super important things about who she is and how the world works. She learns that she matters and that big people take care of little people. 

Not every baby gets a good start like this though. Some babies may cry to say, “I need something! I need something! Something’s not just right,” and no one comes right away to fix it. 

Maybe when that little baby cries, sometimes grownups come and fix the problem and sometimes they don’t, making a pattern that is not really a pattern at all. That little baby might wonder about who he is and if he really matters and feel confused about how the world works. 

Some babies may have had a big goodbye with the mommy whose belly they grew in and now other grownups are in charge of taking care of her. When she cries to say, “I need something! Help me!” a grownup comes and fixes the problem, but that grownup is one of a bunch of grownups who do that job. Her problems might get fixed — she gets fed, her diapers are changed, she gets wrapped in a blanket when she’s cold. 

But, sometimes she’s helped by a nice lady with glasses who snuggles her a little before putting her back in her crib.
Sometimes she’s helped by an older lady who gets the job done and doesn’t have time to give her anything extra.
Sometimes she’s helped by someone who doesn’t like their job at all and has a strong-sounding voice.
Sometimes she’s helped by someone who believes that baby is perfect and checks on her first. 

Even though her problems are getting fixed, this pattern is confusing too… so confusing for a little baby. This baby may have a harder time learning that she matters and that she can trust with a deep-down kind of trust, that this world is a safe place, and that big people take care of little people. 

God makes us to need each other. Did you know that God makes babies’ eyes only able to see about 12 inches away at first? When babies are nursing from their mamas or drinking a bottle, the distance between their eyes and their grownups’ eyes is 12 inches. So, a whole lot could be going on all around him, but a new baby is only able to focus on his mama’s or his daddy’s eyes. 

It’s like God is saying to babies right from the start, “Psssttt… pay attention to this person. This grownup will be who helps you make sense of everything.” That’s attachment. 

When that doesn’t go well for a little one, because the grownup doesn’t give that baby what he or she needs or the pattern is messy and confusing, as that baby grows into a little boy or a little girl, he or she might have a harder time than other kids with some things. It could be hard to let a grownup be in charge. It could be hard to give and receive help and affection. It could be hard to ask for what he or she needs. It could be hard to trust that he or she is safe. It could be hard to know deep down that you matter and that you are wonderful. There could be lots of hards for little kids and even for big kids who didn’t have the best attachment early on. 

We’re still learning what your hards are… and what all my hards are too. I’m so glad that I get to be your grownup — not just a grownup who takes care of you but your grownup, here for good, your not-going-anywhere grownup. I wanna help you with all those hards and give you the best attachment I can – despite all those hards – so that you can learn you are the most wonderfulest wonderful and that you can rest because I want to and am able to take care of you.

I will be okay.

When things feel hard, it feels good to hear that we’re going to be okay. Your grownups can tell you. That’s good. But, what might be even better is if your grownups tell you and help you be able to say it yourself.

There’s a book I like for helping kids use words to share what feels hard and for figuring out things that could make it feel less hard. The words are pretty easy to read; you could read it yourself. But, I think it’s best when Moms or Dads read it with their kiddos, because when it’s time to talk about what it’s like for that kid and what that kid could do, more brains working together are better than one.

Here’s a video of the book with me flipping the pages for you to read together. One friend told me I went a little too fast sometimes (oops!). But, it’s okay; you can just pause the video so that you can read it as slowly as you like.

Here’s a video I made of me reading it too, just for fun.

Once you’ve read the book, think together about what feels hard to you. Maybe you could print some copies of this page (like as many as you want) and make your own “I will be okay” book with your grownup.

If you do and you want to share it, I’d love to see it. Sharing how we are figuring things out is good for everybody!


Kelly Raudenbush founded The Sparrow Fund along with her husband Mark in 2011 and launched Project Puppy Love, a canine-assisted therapy program for foster and adoptive families in June 2018. As a child and family therapist, Kelly has a particular interest in (a) encouraging and empowering parents who are struggling to attach with their children, (b) helping parents walk with their children as they process their stories, (c) helping couples continue to pursue each other and grow together while they parent their children as a team, and (d) training and empowering orphanage staff in China to build relationships with children and each other. Kelly and Mark have been married since 1998 and have 3 biological children and 1 daughter who was adopted as a toddler from China in 2010. You can contact Kelly directly at kellyraudenbush@sparrowfund.org.

the now and the not yet {advocating}


He turned 11 today. And, he may have had the biggest party ever because it extended way beyond the room in his orphanage.

I wonder if anyone giggled with him as he got into his cot last night, reminding him that it was his last night as a 10 year old. I wonder if he paused to consider if he was any bigger, any stronger, any healthier when he got up this morning. You know, he’s 11 now; 11 feels so much different than 10. I want to know if he bounced around all morning with anticipation, if the nannies had to tell him to settle down. He smiles so much already; I can’t imagine how much he must have been smiling today.

His nannies prepared the cake. They added some birthday-themed embellishments to a room already outfitted in red and pink and piggies for Spring Festival. I know them and can picture them perfectly, standing back and admiring the beautiful room with joy and dismissing with humility whatever praise was given by other staff.

I’m sure every child marveled as they entered the room, without envy of who it honored but joy that they were invited to join in. Each nanny and teacher offered him a birthday greeting. They all sang, likely in Chinese and in English with Miss Feng leading the charge, as children danced around him and nannies laughed as they watched and worked with the older children to pull up the little ones when they collided. I bet his cheeks hurt from smiling as he took it all in.

He got a gift. A doll in a pig costume. His good friend presented it to him. In 10 days, that friend is leaving. He’s being adopted.

Just like aunties would corporately mother a nephew, the nannies coached him to thank the crowd. He did graciously. After all, he knows his manners. They’ve taught him well. And, then he made a wish as his friends helped him cut the cake.

 

He wished he would have “a happy family in the United States like other children and have a loving father and mother.”

This is hope. Being willing to ask for something he knows is big and believing it can happen.


His birthday celebration was lovely, but we want it to the last one with him making that wish. “Grayson” is currently available for adoption through Madison, a very good agency which wants to help him so much that they are offering a $4,000 agency grant to the family who wants to make him their son. Reece’s Rainbow is also offering a grant towards his adoption. Contact us info@sparrowfund.org to learn more about where he is and our experience with him, and contact Sarah at Madison to learn more about his heart condition and what is required of a family to adopt him.


Kelly Raudenbush founded The Sparrow Fund along with her husband Mark in 2011 and launched Project Puppy Love, a canine-assisted therapy program for foster and adoptive families in June 2018. As a child and family therapist, Kelly has a particular interest in (a) encouraging and empowering parents who are struggling to attach with their children, (b) helping parents walk with their children as they process their stories, (c) helping couples continue to pursue each other and grow together while they parent their children as a team, and (d) training and empowering orphanage staff in China to build relationships with children and each other. Kelly and Mark have been married since 1998 and have 3 biological children and 1 daughter who was adopted as a toddler from China in 2010. You can learn more about their journey on Kelly’s personal blog. Contact Kelly directly at kellyraudenbush@sparrowfund.org.

In God’s nest

There’s a lot that happens the first time I spend with an adoptive family. I have a whole list of activities and assessments I go through each time. One of them is called “Draw a Nest.” It’s a simple test really that helps us explore the way the child understands relationships and how they fit into them. I provide paper and markers and the simple prompt “draw a nest.” When the child is done, they get a score based on all sorts of different things—color choices, if birds are present, if the nest is supported in a tree, elements in the story they tell about it in the end, etc. I’ve seen all sorts of different drawings—some colorful and sweet in every way with mama birds feeding baby birds and some very dark and sad with broken eggs, missing eggs, cut down trees, and so on.

A couple months ago, a middle school boy and his parents came to see me. His parents who had adopted him as a baby had been struggling to connect with him. They worried about choices he was making and worried they were losing touch with him. When I asked him to draw a nest, he got to work with an end result I had not seen before. He drew a home, his home. When I asked him to tell a story about it, he talked about how he knew it was not traditional but that in his view, a nest is where you always have a place, where you belong. And, to him, that meant his home.

In the New Testament in chapter 14 of the book written by John, Jesus said:

In my Father’s house are many rooms. I am going ahead and will prepare a place for you. I will come back for you. I will greet you by name and welcome you home, where we will be together forever.

As part of God’s family, we always have a place where we are known and loved regardless. We are accepted as we are right now and loved as we are becoming who we will be. As part of God’s family, we are desired.

As part of God’s family, we are both loved individually and as a community. We are a son or daughter, but we’re also a brother or sister. Our Father’s house has many rooms, and He fills them. We know today that we are not alone. And, we never will be. As part of God’s family, we can experience the joy of belonging.

As part of God’s family, He provides for us like how a Mom and Dad provide for their children. He gives us what we need today and helps us to trust Him to give us what we need tomorrow and the next day and the next day. And, when we trust Him to do that, we can feel safe even when things around us aren’t right.

As part of God’s family, we can feel confident because we always have someone to rely on, and not just any someone. The same God who spoke each star into being and placed each drop of water in the sea has our back. We have His power for us and in us.

As part of God’s family, as we are known and loved, as we belong in community, as He gives us what is best, as He puts His power in us, we can be whole even though we are broken. Only through Him are we able to live a life of purpose, not simply getting through days to get to the next days or working hard in pursuit of our own goals. We have a bigger and better story because He has a bigger and better story for all eternity. As part of God’s family, we get to be a part of it.


This Christmas, may you know in a deeper way what it means to be part of God’s family and embrace it more fully in whatever way that may mean for you.

Merry Christmas.


Kelly Raudenbush founded The Sparrow Fund along with her husband Mark in 2011 and launched Project Puppy Love, a canine-assisted therapy program for foster and adoptive families in June 2018. In addition to her service through The Sparrow Fund, Kelly is a therapist through the Attachment & Bonding Center of PA. Kelly has a particular interest in (a) encouraging and empowering parents who are struggling to attach with their children, (b) helping parents walk with their children as they process their stories, (c) helping couples continue to pursue each other and grow together while they parent their children as a team, and (d) training and empowering orphanage staff in China to build relationships with children and each other. Kelly and Mark have been married since 1998 and have 3 biological children and 1 daughter who was adopted as a toddler from China in 2010. You can learn more about their journey on Kelly’s personal blog. Contact Kelly directly at kraudenbush@sparrow-fund.org.

“So, what exactly does he do?”

Whenever someone hears about Louie for the first time, they perk up.

Really? You use him in therapy with foster and adoptive families? That’s so cool.

We usually talk a bit about the whole training process and how I got interested in all this to begin with. And, then I’m usually asked something to the effect of…

So, what exactly does he do?

Louie and I were invited last week to visit a camp session at Paws & Affection where kids were spending their days with service dogs in training and learning about the field. The staff sent me a list of questions and prompts they hoped I’d address as I talked about my experience as a facility dog handler and having Louie as a co-therapist. Of course, in that list was a question like the one that nearly always is asked—what exactly does he do? How does he make a difference?

I wish I could create a scene where Louie and I could sit with a whole bunch of you circled around us, and I could tell you how having him for a short time already has made a difference and let you experience it yourselves even if just a little.

So, circle up. This isn’t the same, but it’s still an opportunity to be together in a way. And, I’m taking it.

A couple months into Project Puppy Love, I’ve noticed some distinct ways Louie is making a difference everyday on the job.

    • He is fun – therapy should be fun. It shouldn’t be something that makes families’ hearts sink when they see it on their calendars. It’s work, yes, but it should be something that smiles families into smiling too. I try to be fun, but I’m not nearly as fun as a puppy (and I’m okay with that). Being greeted with a classic golden-retriever smile and tail wag and starting with a game of hide-and-seek just makes the work we do here fun and makes kids and parents alike more likely to want to come and come again.
    • He makes hard things easier – A few weeks ago, an upset tummy earned Louie a sick day. A little girl who came with her dad that day was disappointed to not see him and beautifully articulated a reason why: “Louie helps me focus because he keeps my hands busy.” The fancy way to say that is that he promotes self-regulation in the repeated motion of petting and the sensory input of long soft fur and of deep pressure when he lays his head or whole body on people’s laps. But, there are other ways he makes hard things easier. For example, I’ve noticed how much easier it is for kids—particularly teenagers—to talk about hard things when they are able to focus attention on Louie and have their parents and me gazing at him too instead of at them. He seems to bring more words and feelings out, and that’s important.
    • He magnifies our soft sides – Puppies bring out our high-pitch baby voice and gentleness. It’s science. And, I’ve witnessed that here. I’ve seen parents’ eyes grow wide as they see softness in their child that they didn’t know was there. And, I’ve seen children’s jaws drop as they see softness in their parents that they didn’t notice before. And, that’s been a good thing because it shows them both that it’s in there and that with a little bit of watering and intention, we can grow it to be seen more and more (and directed towards people!).
    • He gives us opportunities to work on what we’re working on – His fun tricks to show his expression of our feeling words (mad, sad, glad, and scared) does seem to encourage kids to be brave and express their own. But, what I’ve noticed as more meaningful than his performance is a families’ mutual enjoyment of his performance. The shared experience of ooo-ing and ahhh-ing and giggling together in response when Louie closes himself in the bathroom to show mad builds connection between moms, dads, and kids. And, building connection is a big deal around here. Beyond mutual enjoyment, Louie gives us lots to talk about that always seems to align well with what we (both kids and parents) need to talk about—things like impulse control, giving and receiving affection, asking for and getting what we need, letting someone else be in charge, making compromises, understanding others by noticing body language, navigating choices, and handling mistakes.

It still feels new to have Louie on The Sparrow Fund team joining me in the therapy room and joining us during events here at the office. I’m still learning how to do my job and help him do his. And, he’s still learning how to do his job and help me do mine. That’s a good thing. We’re learning together. As we do, it feels really good to have people circling up around us—campers, donors, families, and cheerleaders.

– Kelly (and Louie)


Louie has a voice on Instagram.
Check it out. Have your kids check it out.
@ProjectPuppyLove


Project Puppy Love is the first attachment-based canine-assisted therapy program for foster and adopted kids in the Philly area. In order to launch the program, we have been raising designated funds and borrowed funds from our other programs’s funds. We are currently running at a significant deficit. If you want to help so we can get back in black AND fund a training this Spring so we can do this work better, we invite you to click the little yellow button below to give. It’ll take you right to our PayPal account.



Kelly Raudenbush founded The Sparrow Fund along with her husband Mark in 2011. In addition to serving families through The Sparrow Fund, Kelly works part time as a therapist at the Attachment & Bonding Center of PA. Kelly has a particular interest in (a) encouraging and empowering parents who are struggling to attach with their children, (b) helping parents walk with their children as they process their stories, (c) helping couples continue to pursue each other and grow together while they parent their children as a team, and (d) training and empowering orphanage staff in China to build relationships with children and each other. Kelly and Mark have been married since 1998 and have 3 biological children and 1 daughter who was adopted as a toddler from China in 2010. You can learn more about their journey on Kelly’s personal blog. You can contact Kelly directly at kraudenbush@sparrow-fund.org.

Art for Ayis

I had an idea.

I was up early this morning, making a list and checking it twice. But, this list wasn’t a Christmas list; it was the list of gifts we are taking to China when we leave on January 6th. We’re heading to South China on this trip, to an orphanage in Guangdong province that has never had a team there before.

It’s considered a small orphanage with about 150 children in their care. And, while they are not new to adoption, they haven’t placed many kids until now. But, they’re partners with a good agency now and are on board with making children paper ready, even kids they thought were too old or too sick or too something. And, we get to go in and encourage them in what they are doing.

As I was counting out the gifts for ayis and the ladies who work in the office and the directors and the foster moms, I had an idea. Wouldn’t it be neat to give them something from a child adopted from China? Something that sends the message that children adopted from China are okay and that what they do to serve those kids now matters…wouldn’t that be great?

I’ve come to discover that good ideas don’t always come at convenient times. And, today is hardly a convenient day as mamas everywhere are scurrying around to Target for stocking stuffers and making cookies for class parties and using up all their Scotch tape wrapping boxes. But, some things are worth some inconvenience. This might be one of those things.

Here’s what we need:

a piece of artwork on card stock, an index card, or watercolor paper no larger than 5″x8″
a printed photo of the artist with his or her name written on the back, the year he or she was adopted and from where (e.g., “Sam Smith, adopted from Guangzhou in 2010”)

Mail no later than December 31st for an arrival of no later than January 4th to:

The Sparrow Fund Art for Ayis
124 3rd Ave
Phoenixville PA 19460

Questions? Email us. Help us bless these people and magnify the good.

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Want to do more? You can.
Order a few of the supplies from our wish list for us to take with us.
Order an Oh Happy Day shirt and wear it with us on the first day we serve on Monday, January 9th.
Sign up to pray for the team HERE.
Find out a bit more about joining a future team.

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Kelly-NHBO1-150x150

Kelly founded The Sparrow Fund along with her husband Mark in 2011. She works alongside Mark in his full-time purposeful work in China and works part time as a therapist at the Attachment & Bonding Center of PA, Kelly has a particular interest in (a) encouraging parents who are struggling to attach with their children, (b) helping parents walk with their children in understanding their own stories, (c) helping couples continue to pursue each other and grow together while they parent their children as a team, and (d) training and supporting orphanage staff in China to build relationships with children and each other. Kelly and Mark have been married since 1998 and have 3 biological children and 1 daughter who was adopted as a toddler from China in 2010. You can learn more about their journey on Kelly’s blog.

A Beautiful Girl

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They told me she was introverted, easygoing, compliant. They told me that she gets sad sometimes but that she is easily comforted when her nanny, who clearly cares for her well, explains right and wrong. They told me that she can write her Chinese characters quite well, that her receptive knowledge is good, that her expression is okay. They told me she is good at math compared to other children in her class. And, they told me she really likes music and dancing and that she is remarkably talented.

I nodded my head and smiled. I believed them. Sure, I’m sure she enjoys music and likes to dance. And, it was endearing to hear her nanny say that she was talented in dancing…so sweet.

And, then they asked if I’d like her to show us.

This little girl hasn’t had her papers submitted yet. She has Down Syndrome, they told me, as if when I heard the words I’d agree that she would not be wanted.

She has Down Syndrome. And, she is beautiful and marvelous in every way. And, oh, how I hope that someone has room in their family for her. If you think you might, let us know. We’d love to talk to you about how to make that happen.

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Kelly-NHBO1-150x150

Kelly founded The Sparrow Fund along with her husband Mark in 2011. She works alongside Mark in his full-time purposeful work in China and works part time as a therapist at the Attachment & Bonding Center of PA, Kelly has a particular interest in (a) encouraging parents who are struggling to attach with their children, (b) helping parents walk with their children in understanding their own stories, (c) helping couples continue to pursue each other and grow together while they parent their children as a team, and (d) training and supporting orphanage staff in China to build relationships with children and each other. Kelly and Mark have been married since 1998 and have 3 biological children and 1 daughter who was adopted as a toddler from China in 2010. You can learn more about their journey and the October orphanage trip on Kelly’s blog.

Serving the Servants

We didn’t come simply to hold babies.

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We didn’t come simply to play with cute toddlers with pigtails.

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We didn’t come simply to pat older children on the back and sing EIEIO.

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We didn’t come simply to assess waiting children so that when their papers pop up somewhere, we’re ready to help find families for them. All of that is good, very good.

We desired to do even more. We came for this. We came to serve those who serve. everyday. those who are paid little to do the most significant work. who are simply called “working staff” and are often criticized for not doing enough while they work in a system that often doesn’t support much more. We came to bless them.

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It took much less time than we anticipated for curiosity and uncertainty to become eagerness to be vulnerable and pleasure to become honored guests of ours.

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As children toddled around us and looked on, we washed the hands that serve. We spoke to each woman as we did, in words many of them did not understand and yet somehow understood.

You work so hard at what you do. You are so good with the children. Look how much she wants to be close to you. You are so important to her and to this place. We are so thankful for you. 

We saw a lot of smiles, more than we had ever seen there before. And, everything just seemed somehow brighter and lighter. What had felt like them and us just felt more like we, all women honoring each other and serving together for big big things…a spirit that was contagious.

Their smiles and sense of honor must be contagious too because all of us can’t stop smiling and feel like we were the ones served.

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Kelly-NHBO1-150x150

Kelly founded The Sparrow Fund along with her husband Mark in 2011. She works alongside Mark in his full-time purposeful work in China and works part time as a therapist at the Attachment & Bonding Center of PA, Kelly has a particular interest in (a) encouraging parents who are struggling to attach with their children, (b) helping parents walk with their children in understanding their own stories, (c) helping couples continue to pursue each other and grow together while they parent their children as a team, and (d) training and supporting orphanage staff in China to build relationships with children and each other. Kelly and Mark have been married since 1998 and have 3 biological children and 1 daughter who was adopted as a toddler from China in 2010. You can learn more about their journey and the October orphanage trip on Kelly’s blog.

Hold the Hugs. High Fives and Fist Bumps, Please.

I still remember her. She was the best. My 1st grade self loved her big smile and her early 80s old-lady perm. Everyday, she’d stand by the classroom door at the end of the day and hug each and every one of us. I was excited to go to school everyday because of her and her Mr. Rogers-ish ways. It’s a parents’ dream—a kid who loves school and has a teacher who showers their son or daughter with affection.

Except when it’s not exactly a dream.

Touch is a powerful thing. It can hurt tragically, and it can heal supernaturally. It makes neurons fire in our brain like the fourth of July. Touch is a remarkable God-given tool to build relationship and connection from the neighborly casual to the most intimate. And, it’s something our children who have had hard starts often have a hard time with. Some kids can’t get enough of it; some kids struggle to accept and receive it at all. And when they struggle with touch, we as parents struggle along with them.

When our kids are small, we can hold them, literally “wear” them, cosleep, guard those moments when we feel trust and connection can build. But, those small kids grow bigger and our strategies to help them give and receive appropriate physical touch have to grow with them.

A few weeks into the school year, what do you do when you realize your child has the warmest, sweetest preschool teacher in the world or the veteran 1st-grade teacher who has a poster above her desk that says FREE HUGS HERE? You thank God that your child got that teacher and that you know he or she is being taught by someone who cares about their heart and not just their brain. And, then, you might want to think about writing an email with a gentle request. Touch is important in the classroom; research and personal experience tell us so. But, high fives and fist bumps can do the trick and allow you to save those hugs and kisses for home.

Want a little jump start on that email? Here are two examples to get you started. The first is for the teacher of a child who goes after hugs and kisses from everybody; the second is for the teacher of a child who has a hard time giving and receiving affection. Copy and paste, switching out names and pronouns as appropriate. Or, simply let them be a starting point to create an email all your own. I’d love to read your final product, if you do. Send it to me; maybe yours will become the template for another family.

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Regarding a Child Who Gives Indiscriminate Affection

Dear teacher,
We so appreciate you. You know how to successfully teach a child to do something he or she has not yet done before–which would be magic in and of itself. But, somehow, you manage to not only teach a child but teach him or her in a room full of children. Each one of those children learns in his or her own unique way. And, each child comes from a different place and brings his or her own unique needs into your classroom everyday. What you are able to do by teaching each child individually and the entire class corporately is nothing short of an everyday miracle. We don’t take that lightly!

On top of all that magical teaching stuff, we know you care about each child. You care about their stories. We can tell. We can tell when you look right into their eyes and greet them in the morning (that doesn’t go unnoticed). And, we can tell when Jenny talks about her day and quotes little things you said (yeah, she does that). She knows you care. And, that’s so so important to us as parents…really really important. It’s because we know you truly care that I’m reaching out today and asking you to do something for Jenny that may seem slightly counterintuitive.

Jenny had a hard start. Children who aren’t in safe families where big people take care of little people often learn strategies to get what they need. One of those strategies is physical affection. It makes sense really. Big people respond to little people when they put their arms up and when they want hugs or a kiss. It works. But, it isn’t right. Our job, as moms and dads, is to show our children that we’re the big people who will take care of them, that we’re not temporary, we belong to them and we belong with them. Some days, John and I send that message well to Jenny and she receives it well. Other days, it’s a real struggle on both sides.

Would you be willing to help us in all this as you have Jenny in your care? It would be really helpful if you would partner with us to teach her that there are better, safer strategies than physical affection to get what she needs. At home, we are working on teaching her that we are always available and willing to give hugs and kisses but if there’s something she needs, she use words and simply ask for it. She often hears, “You know, if you need something, all you have to do is ask!” Another thing we have tried to teach is that hugs and kisses are for family, and high fives and fist bumps are for everyone else. We want to guard hugs and kisses as best we can so she learns boundaries and sees them as a “family thing.” So, can I ask you to do something that may feel a little strange at first? When she reaches out to hug you–as I expect she will–can you redirect her with a high five or a fist bump?

We want her to continue to feel the care from you that she has been because that’s important. We want her to know that we’d never send her somewhere we didn’t think was safe and that we trust you to take good care of her and teach her well. We know touch is a great way for her to experience that care. But, I truly believe that she’ll get it through the high five or fist bump paired with the consistency and personal attention that we know she is getting from you.

Let us know what you think as you find time to respond. We would love to keep the lines of communication open so that you are not only partnering with us, but we are partnering with you.

-Jenny’s mom

Regarding a Child Who Struggles to Give and Receive Physical Affection

Dear teacher,
We so appreciate you. You know how to successfully teach a child to do something he or she has not yet done before–which would be magic in and of itself. But, somehow, you manage to not only teach a child but teach him or her in a room full of children. Each one of those children learns in his or her own unique way. And, each child comes from a different place and brings his or her own unique needs into your classroom everyday. What you are able to do by teaching each child individually and the entire class corporately is nothing short of an everyday miracle. We don’t take that lightly!

On top of all that magical teaching stuff, we know you care about each child. You care about their stories. We can tell. We can tell when you look right into their eyes and greet them in the morning (that doesn’t go unnoticed). And, we can tell when Jenny talks about her day and quotes little things you said (yeah, she does that). She knows you care. And, that’s so so important to us as parents…really really important. It’s because we know you truly care that I’m reaching out today and asking you to do something for Jenny that may seem slightly counterintuitive.

Jenny had a hard start. Children who aren’t in safe families where big people take good care of little people are affected in significant ways. One of those ways is in giving and taking in affection. It makes sense. When a child hasn’t experienced safe and sufficient nurturing as a baby, closeness can be really hard. It can make them feel vulnerable and threatened. We’ve been working on that as a family, practicing giving and receiving hugs and kisses. And, we’ve celebrated a lot of growth there. But, we’ve always been very careful, intentionally guarding that closeness, reserving hugs to family only and practicing the exclusivity of our family, something Jenny, unlike most children who have not experienced a hard start, needs to learn.

We are excited to have her a part of your class this year, but we’re also a little anxious. We are concerned that as we widen her circle, the small but significant successes we’ve seen may be hindered. Would you be willing to help us in all this as you have Jenny in your care? Would you be willing to reinforce what we have been working so hard for at home? One way you could do that is by not giving her hugs or kisses; they’re a “family thing.” We do want her to trust other caregivers who we trust and build appropriate connections there. We aren’t opposed to touch; we know touch is important to connection. But, high fives and fist bumps are best for her (and they’ll go a long way with her!). Hugs and kisses are for family, for people you love; high fives and fist bumps are for everyone else, people you like and who like you. That’s what we want her to learn–which is way more important to us than all the letters and numbers combined.

Let us know what you think as you find time to respond. We would love to keep the lines of communication open so that you are not only partnering with us, but we are partnering with you. If you have questions, we welcome you to ask. I can’t promise I’ll have an answer for you, but I’ll do my best to find one as I know you are doing for my child and the rest of her class.

-Jenny’s mom

____________________________________
Kelly-NHBO1-150x150

Kelly founded The Sparrow Fund along with her husband Mark in 2011. She works alongside Mark in his full-time purposeful work in China and works part time as a therapist at the Attachment & Bonding Center of PA, Kelly has a particular interest in (a) encouraging parents who are struggling to attach with their children, (b) helping parents walk with their children in understanding their own stories, (c) helping couples continue to pursue each other and grow together while they parent their children as a team, and (d) training and supporting orphanage staff in China to build relationships with children and each other. Kelly and Mark have been married since 1998 and have 3 biological children and 1 daughter who was adopted as a toddler from China in 2010. You can learn more about their journey on Kelly’s blog.

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